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Thursday, December 08, 2016

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season


Ho Ho Ho!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

Child
1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
(keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)

Child

3. Keep learning:

Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

Child

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

Child

6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

Child

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

Sun

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Dog in wagon

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.

And if you don't send this post to at least 4 people - who cares?

4 children

But do share this with someone.

Christmas Stamps

A woman goes to a post office to buy stamps to mail her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says,"What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Well .... O.K...... give me - 6 Catholic, 2 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran , 22 Orthodox and 10 Baptists.

Dolphins, Cheese and Ghandi --Oh, my!

Dolphins

A Marine Biologist discovered that he could prolong the life of dolphins almost indefinitely if they were fed on certain rare species of sea-gull. Naturally he decided to feed his own dolphins on this diet.

Unfortunately, he began to run out of supplies from the coast and had to start obtaining his seagulls from an inland lake. This necessitated crossing a national park filled with sleeping lions.

He carefully moved around the lions on tip-toe so as not to wake them ... However a park ranger came along and arrested him for transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Minions

The King's Pizza

One day (just before Christmas, probably), Good King Wenceslas decided that he was fed up with the food at the palace, so he phoned up his local Italian restaurant for a takeaway pizza.

"Certainly, your Majesty" says the Manager, "Would you like your usual"?
"Yes please," replied the King, "same as always - deep pan, crisp and even"

Minions

The Poor Shepherd

There once was a poor shepherd named Yorgi. The only food he had to sustain himself on was the milk he got from the sheep, and it tasted so bad that he could barely drink it. As a result, Yorgi became thin and sickly.

One day, he met his friend Vladimir. Vladimir was a poor shepherd like himself, but he was hearty and healthy. Vladimir told him that he had to live on sheep's milk too, but he let him on a secret: a witch in a nearby village taught him a magic spell that makes sheep's milk taste as sweet as the richest cream. Yorgi begged Vladimir to teach him the spell, which his friend did willingly.

Sure enough, Yorgi's sheep produced the most delicious milk he ever tasted. Yorgi loved it so much, that he drank it by the liter. He milked his sheep so much that they cried out in pain. Yorgi realized that he couldn't make his sheep suffer like that, so he reversed the spell and resigned himself to drinking normal sheep's milk.

Now, there's no ewes crying over spelled milk.

Minions

Revenge of the Kangaroos

There are reports of a new problem in Australia. Some of the kangaroos have developed a thirst for revenge against the traffic that keeps knocking them down. Drivers have reported that they'll pass a herd of roos that are hopping along peacefully, but as soon as they've passed them, the roos suddenly change direction, and veer right towards the vehicle. The driver then has to drive as quickly as possible to escape the rampaging marsupials.

Drivers are being urged to keep an eye on their veer-roo mirror at all times.

Minions

Sherlock Holmes and the Mysterious Painting

Shelock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business one day, when the uncovered an amazing painting. At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if you looked closer, you could see that it was a very surreal painting: The tree's trunk was actually made of fire, and it's branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.

"What is it?" asked Watson in awe.

"It's an element tree, my dear Watson," said Holmes.

Minions

Cheese on the Moon

A group of astronaughts are on the moon. They've been mining the surface, and have discovered that it really is made of cheese.

One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of brie, and they've already been there twice, and collected samples to be returned to mission control.

All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that brie!"

But the astronaughts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more...

"It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to leave this place looking bad.

"After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"
Minions

And now 10 Short ones:

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Minions

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him -- oh, man, this is so bad, it's good --

a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Minions

Wednesday, December 07, 2016

Pay Up

Keep calm and pay up
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

It's called Apophis. It's 390m wide. And it could hit Earth in 20 years time

Artist's impression of an asteroid heading for Earth Artist's impression of an asteroid aheading for Earth. Photograph: Frank Whitney/Getty Images
Artist's impression of an asteroid heading for Earth Artist's impression of an asteroid aheading for Earth. Photograph: Frank Whitney/Getty Images

Scientists call for plans to change asteroid's path Developing technology could take decades

In Egyptian myth, Apophis was the ancient spirit of evil and destruction, a demon that was determined to plunge the world into eternal darkness.

A fitting name, astronomers reasoned, for a menace now hurtling towards Earth from outerspace. Scientists are monitoring the progress of a 390-metre wide asteroid discovered last year that is potentially on a collision course with the planet, and are imploring governments to decide on a strategy for dealing with it.

Nasa has estimated that an impact from Apophis, which has an outside chance of hitting the Earth in 2036, would release more than 100,000 times the energy released in the nuclear blast over Hiroshima. Thousands of square kilometres would be directly affected by the blast but the whole of the Earth would see the effects of the dust released into the atmosphere.

--more--

*Alok Jha, The Guardian

Such a beautiful world!

The Submarine Cable Map - Must have taken forever and a whole lotta $$

The Submarine Cable Map is a free resource from TeleGeography. Data contained in this map is drawn from the Global Bandwidth Research Service and is updated on a regular basis.
The Submarine Cable Map
Click above for the interactive map!
TeleGeography’s free interactive Submarine Cable Map is based on our (their) authoritative Global Bandwidth research, and depicts active and planned submarine cable systems and their landing stations. Selecting a cable on the map projection or from the submarine cable list provides access to the cable’s profile, including the cable’s name, ready-for-service (RFS) date, length, owners, website, and landing points.

We (They) added additional functionality to the map in September 2013, making it more comprehensive than ever. You can now:

* View a list of all cables connected to a specific country—enter “Connected to” and the country name in the search box (for example, “Connected to Australia”).
View a list of all cables connected to a specific landing point—select the landing point on the map, or navigate to a cable’s profile and select one of its hyperlinked landing points.
* View a list of all cables that came online in a specific year—enter “Ready for service in” and the year in the search box (for example, “Ready for service in 1999”), or navigate to a cable’s profile and select its hyperlinked RFS date.
* Share data from the map. To share the URL of a cable’s profile, navigate to it and copy the URL from your browser. The URLs of country, landing point, and RFS searches are also shareable.

Cables shown on the map include international and US domestic submarine cables with a maximum upgradeable capacity of at least 5 Gbps. Cable routes are stylized to improve readability, and do not reflect the physical cable location. Similarly, cable landing stations do not show the precise coordinates of the building, and are meant to serve as a general guide to where a cable system lands.

We update our map regularly to ensure that our data are as accurate and as up-to-date as possible. If you have updated information for a cable system please email (them) at cablemap@telegeography.com.

TeleGeography has made the source code behind the interactive Submarine Cable Map available for download.

Source: Global Bandwidth Research Service

Tuesday, December 06, 2016

Smiles and Chuckles

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."


ROTFL


For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.

Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work.

He walks through the kitchen, places his lunch box down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."

Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic.

After a quick peek, he immediately says, "Leftovers again!"



ROTFL


A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree.

He asked her what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."

"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker.

"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."


ROTFL

If You Sent Christmas Cards Telling How You REALLY Feel...

Sorry Card

Message from Jesus

Merry Christmas

Cheat

Merry Christmas

Long Time

E-Card

XMAS Birds

O Christmas Tree

Happy KWANZA

Hmmm

Peace on Earth

Santa

No Santa

Honesty Card

Christmas For the boss

Merry Christmas

Merry F'in Christmas