Saturday, August 30, 2014
Quotes of The Day....
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
--George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
The prospect of a long day at the beach makes me panic. There is no harder work I can think of than taking myself off to somewhere pleasant, where I am forced to stay for hours and 'have fun'.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
--Andre Gide (1869 - 1951)
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
--Dave Barry (1947 - )
Return of Little Johnny
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
"Just a minute, I have to go pee."
"That would be rude and impolite"!
"What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
"I'm sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom' at the dinner table".
"And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"Yes, I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to go and shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
The teacher fainted
Bigger Than The Grill
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yup, I was right -- your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night, in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances toward his wife, who completely brushed him off.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
She answered, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
Friday, August 29, 2014
What are some ways to distinguish Americans and Canadians from each other?
Canadians will say "Grade 5" where Americans say "5th grade".
Many Canadians use "eh" as a "filler". There is a joke that this comes from spelling the name of their country: C, eh, N, eh, D, eh
Slight pronunciations of words are the main ways. Attitudes, naming patterns and dress are pretty similar if not exactly the same in most regards. Of course, there are a more distinct regions that have specific cultures and languages/accents in either country…but, if we are talking about the average northern tier Anglophones of the US and the southern tier Anglophones in Canada, they are very similar.
One area that is quite different though is the focus on different sports. Canadians are vastly more interested in hockey. It is not as popular in the US. While the Superbowl is a de facto American holiday and cultural phenomenon. The other main way to tell Americans apart instantly is their measurement systems. They are still on the old imperial system, while the rest of the world (including Canada) has switched to metric. Although, interestingly, there are still some older folks that will use miles/gallons/pounds from time to time.
I always find it funny how people latch onto the differences between the countries and they'll point out how we may saying "zee" and "zed" differently, but this is all very minor. I can go into Canada with my non-regional/Western American accent and be conscious of not saying any "give-away, American" words and I'd be absolutely assumed to be a native-Canadian (or, a First Nation, native English speaker anyway). And vice-versa. You can have someone come down to the states and blend in completely and no one would ever "suspect" that they weren't American.
Bathroom vs. washroom. Americans for the most part say bathroom and Canadians say washroom. This isn't that cut and dry though because some Northerners also say washroom.
Many Canadians pronounce o differently than Americans. Sorry sounds like soary, about sounds like aboat (not aboot like people claim), out sounds like oat, etc.
This was already said, but Americans really know way less about Canada than vice versa. This is one of the few countries where I will say that they know a lot of accurate information about America (other countries often claim they do, but it's usually biased in some way or not complete info).
Canadians talk about the weather, eh? They complain aboot Americans and their funny ways. They sit on the chesterfield and nibble on poutine while Americans sip the horse piss they think is beer on their couch and be disgusted. Newfies can make a US Navy sailor blush but no American can figure out what a Newfie is or where they are from.
Americans have dozens of Interstates they can use to cross the country in any direction on. Canadians get by with a single highway from one coast to the other. And contrary to popular belief, it is not bloody cold 10 months of the year in Canada.
Other ways to spot a Canadian:
Canadian often put vinegar on their French fries
They use British / French spelling, programme, flavour, humour
Their currency is made of Mylar and it's colorful
Canadians from Ontario will be surprised to see beer sold in a convenience store
They drink tea more
Ask the person to name a place to get coffee and donuts.
If they answer "Timmy's", you have a genuine Canadian. "Tim Horton's" may indicate a faker or a Canadian who realizes he's being questioned by an American who will have no idea what "Timmy's" is. (Per capita, there are three times as many Tim Horton's in Canada as there are McD's in the US).
If they answer "Dunkin Donuts", you have an American.
Can You See it?
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Everything you wanted to know about flip-flops - but didn't bother to ask!
The traditional woven soled Japanese zōri had been used as beach wear in the South Pacific since the 1930s. In the post war period in both New Zealand and America, versions were briefly popularized by servicemen returning from occupied Japan. The idea of making sandals from plastics did not occur for another decade.
The latest design was invented in Auckland, New Zealand by Morris Yock in the 50s and patented in 1957. However, this claim has recently been contested by the children of John Cowie. John Cowie was an England-raised businessman who started a plastics manufacturing business in Hong Kong after the war. His children claim that it was Cowie that started manufacturing a plastic version of the sandals in the late 1940s and that Yock was just a New Zealand importer. The children also say that their father claimed to have invented the name "jandal" from a shortened form of "Japanese Sandal". John Cowie and his family emigrated to New Zealand in 1959.
Despite 'jandal' being commonly used in New Zealand to describe any manufacturer's brand, the word Jandal is actually a trademark since 1957, for a long time owned by the Skellerup company. In countries other than New Zealand, jandals are known by other names. In Australia they are known as thongs. The first pair were manufactured there by Skellerup rival Dunlop in 1960. Thongs became popular there after being worn by the Australian Olympic swimming team at the Melbourne Olympic Games in 1956. In the UK and U.S. they are most commonly known as flip-flops.
Flip-flops may have been familiar in the United States in the mid-19th century. An 1861 letter to the editor of The New York Times mentioned poorly equipped troops in the Seventh Regiment Volunteers wearing "flip-flaps": "The men were not in uniform, but very poorly dressed, — in many cases with flip-flap shoes. The business-like air with which they marched rapidly through the deep mud of the Third-avenue was the more remarkable." Later the letter reads: "The men have not yet been supplied with shoes, and yet still march flip-flop. Why?" The letter does not describe the men's shoes in detail, so it is not clear whether it is referring to footwear of the flip-flop style, or perhaps to the poor state of their shoes.
Flip-flops now come in a variety of shoe styles other than the traditional flat sandal, such as women's heels, slides, and wedges.
Flip-flops are a common type of footwear. They are a thin rubber sole with two straps running in a Y shape from the sides of the foot to the gap between the big toe and its neighbour. The popular use of flip-flops as beach or outdoor wear has spread through much of the world, although it is most common in India and Pakistan (where it is immensely popular and is called a Hawaii chappal), Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, UK, USA, Brazil, Panama, the Pacific Islands, and Southeast Asia.
In most developing countries, rubber flip-flops are the cheapest footwear available, often costing less than a dollar. Measures have been made to reduce cost, such as making them out of recycled tires. Because of their low cost they are very widely used in these countries as typical footwear instead of as fashion wear. Despite their disposable design, street vendors will repair worn sandals for a small fee.
However, in many developed countries flip-flops are typically treated as annual or seasonal, short lasting footwear. Depending on the material makeup of the shoe, some pairs of flip-flops last a year or less. The strap between the toes can snap after moderate use, and although this problem can be solved by using replacement straps that are easily "snapped" into the flip-flop, most people in developed countries do not bother to repair flip-flops because they are very inexpensive and easily replaced.
These disposal habits may pose an environmental problem because most flip-flops are made with polyurethane, which comes from crude oil. This material is a number seven resin and cannot usually be recycled in small amounts. Because of growing environmental concerns, some companies have begun to sell flip-flops made from recycled inner tubes or car tires, as well as sustainable materials like hemp, cotton and coconut.
Flip-flops are also popular with those who enjoy being barefoot but need to wear shoes, because they allow the foot to be out in the open but still constitute a shoe for wear in places such as restaurants or on city streets, and can be quickly and easily removed. They are also popular because they are easy to carry and come in an assortment of colors and patterns.
On July 19, 2005, some members of Northwestern University's national champion women's lacrosse team were criticized for wearing "flip-flops" to the White House to meet with President George W. Bush. The women pointed out that their shoes were not "beach shoes," but were dressier thong sandals.
Some flip-flops have a spongy sole, so when the foot hits the ground, it rolls inward and the sponge allows it to roll even more than usual. This is known as overpronation and causes many problems in the foot. Each time a foot hits the ground, the arch is supposed to be locked to absorb shock. But during overpronation, the arch opens and releases this locking mechanism, leading to problems such as pain in the heel, the arch, the toes and in the forefoot. Overpronation of the foot also results in flat feet, especially if flip-flops are worn throughout childhood and adolescence when the muscles, bones, and tendons of the feet are growing and developing. Exacerbating this, some flip-flops force a person to overuse the tendons in the foot, which can cause tendinitis.
Ankle sprains are also common due to stepping off a curb or stepping wrong; the ankle bends, but the flip flop neither holds on to nor supports it. The open nature of flip-flops also makes the wearer more susceptible to stubbed toes, and exposes the foot to the environment. The toe grip can be useful for preventing the foot from slipping forward in a convenient sandal, but flip-flops with bands across higher areas of the foot or the arch are recommended for support and keeping the shoe on the foot. Thong sandals are also popular with the same proportions and structures of flip-flops, but with the addition of a slingback or an ankle strap that holds and supports the foot in a stable position. Arch support is also found in many more expensive and better made flip-flops rather than the ubiquitous foam materials. Spending more on a better quality, better created shoe can influence the wearer's health and safety. Such shoes are also more commonly endowed with rubberized soles and better cushions.
In 2008, Auburn University researchers found that wearing thong-style flip-flops can result in sore feet, ankles and legs. The research team, who presented their findings at the annual meeting of the American College of Sports Medicine in 2008, found that flip-flop wearers took shorter steps and that their heels hit the ground with less vertical force than when the same walkers wore athletic shoes. When wearing flip-flops, the study participants did not bring their toes up as much during the leg’s swing phase, resulting in a larger ankle angle and shorter stride length, possibly because they tended to grip the flip-flops with their toes. This repeated motion can result in problems from the foot up into the hips.
10 Facts You Always Wanted to Know about Penises, but Didn't Know You Did
By Michael Alvear
No matter how open you are with your boyfriend, there are some things even the gutsiest gals are too shy to ask. Get the answers to all the questions you always wanted to ask your man, and a few answers to questions you never even thought of!
1. Only 6 percent of the male population needs extra-large rubbers, according to condom manufacturers. In other words, 94 percent of men lie.
2. The study most trusted by urologists shows that the average erect penis size is 5.1 inches long and 4.8 inches in girth. Unless you're in a chat room. Then double it.
3. About 80 percent of American men are circumcised, even though the American Academy of Pediatrics says it's not medically necessary. No word on why men insist on cutting something they're always exaggerating about.
4. Men really do get "blue-balls." Technically called "prostatic congestion," the achiness in the testicles is caused by "trapped" blood. You know that crap he lays on you about orgasms being the only way to relieve it? He's right. But not so fast, trampolina. So is your doctor -- the one who says a warm shower or aspirin will also do the trick.
5. Penises are generally darker in color than the bodies they hang from. Why? It's part of the sexual maturation process, but it's also because during puberty nature introduces men to a special friend: their right hand. As Mr. Nice to Meet You Too, You Can Let Go Now will tell anybody who'll listen, your skin would darken too if you were manhandled that often.
6. There is no correlation between penis size and shoe size, hand size or nose size. And the bad news is even worse for gold-digging nymphos: There's no correlation between penis size and wallet size.
7. Masturbation, or "punching the monkey," is healthy. No, really. "Use it or lose it" isn't just an excuse for a guy's hands to migrate south; it's the official tested and studied conclusion of sex experts. The less a guy uses his sexual plumbing, the more problems he'll have pumping the well later on. It's only at Thanksgiving that you should tell your man, "Don't play with your meat."
8. Men will go limp if they drink too much. But how much is too much? About three and a half drinks for a 150-pound man. After that, the only thing standing upright in your house will be the vacuum cleaner.
9. All men have a line going down their penis and over their testicles. And no, it's not the chow line. It's more a "seam" on the underside of the penis. It forms when the fetus is in the uterus. In women, the seam becomes the inner lips of the vagina. In men, the seam encloses the urethra along the length of the penis.
10. Nothing can make a penis bigger -- except aging. Unfortunately, the size of the prize stops growing by the time men hit their early 20s.
Michael Alvear is a contributing writer for iVillage. Follow him on Google +.
They say that if a man lives long enough he will ultimately die from prostate cancer. On a similar note, in my world, if a workshop goes on long enough somebody will inevitably ask about semen. Well here it is folks, your comprehensive guide to semen in 500 words or less.
First off, semen is not to be confused with seamen. Although many seamen are men, and most men have semen, and most semen contains 1% sperm, not all seamen can swim.
On the other hand, living sperm within semen can swim and generally do so at a nautical speed of 7 inches per hour. Switching to air travel for semen, no seamen can fly but most semen can.
In fact, semen blast off during the initial ejaculatory launch at a speed of nearly 30 MPH and can fly up to 3 feet in the air. This is exactly why the U.S. Naval Command encourages their young seamen to wear safety goggles during masturbation. Semen presents dangers to even the most experienced seamen.
As for the taste of semen, all men try to convince their partner that semen tastes like honey. The fact is, however, that most men have never drunk a full serving of semen so they don’t really know what semen tastes like.
In my experience as a couples counselor, I have noticed, however, that the taste of semen is often impacted by the state of the relationship. Imagine that!
The taste of semen can also be affected by a change in diet. Things that tend to make semen taste “yucky” are alcohol, meat, garlic and onions.
Although smoking after sex used to be culturally sheikh, cigarettes are toxic and will pollute the taste of semen, thereby giving women yet one more reason for men not to smoke. Not to digress, but smoking will also make your penis shrink. Getting back to the taste of semen, medications can also impact the taste of semen. How wrong would it be if Viagra made your semen taste like squid guts? (It doesn’t).
We can’t have a serious discussion about the taste of semen unless we address caloric
If you really want to make your semen taste like honey, here are some tips. Drink lots of water and increase your intake of fruits, particularly melons, pineapple, cranberry, apples and grapes. Most vegetables are also encouraged except asparagus, cabbage, broccoli and cauliflower. In conclusion, as you can see men, there is much to consider when it comes to semen.
About the Author
Dr. Cannon is a certified sex therapist and couples counselor who holds a master’s degree in public health, as well as a doctorate in Human Sexuality. In addition to leading his practice in Denver, Colo., he teaches sexual diversity, attitudes and behavior at the post graduate level; serves as an expert witness; provides diversity training to corporations and is the co-host of The Sex & Intimacy Show – a weekly radio show in Denver. You can view his website at www.doctorcannon.com or reach him directly at email@example.com.
Sister Mary Kay Katherine
Sister Mary Kay Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Kay Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Kay Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Kay Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Kay Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Kay Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Kay Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Kay Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER IN DRIVE BY SHOOTING (The actual AP headline)
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to her car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open,and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay. Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head during a drive by shooting, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gun shot and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out, but quickly re-covered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And yes, Linda is a blonde.
It's a valid question....
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. . . no."
" - or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted,
" - or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"