Saturday, August 27, 2016

8 Stories

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Safeway with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."


FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.

What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.


SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.

The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.

One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT

Police in Radnor , Pennsylvania , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal collander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Toy Story Idiots Everywhere

Not sure what it is, biut I like it!

Friday, August 26, 2016

Little Feet, Little Minds

by E. L. Davis

Little Man - Big Man © Steve Walker
"Big Man - Little Man"

They come into our lives one small child at a time,
Always scared and lonely and wondering what they’ll find.
Their minds so full of questions and their eyes full of fear,
Always listening closely just to see what they can hear.

Little feet, little minds. So many children, so little time.

Once someone’s little angel sent from heaven up above
Now battered, bruised, and broken and only wanting love.
You offer them affection just to see them pull away,
But you keep on trying, every single day.


A child is like a garden—without love, it won’t grow.
But give it to them daily and soon it starts to show.
You see a little sparkle in eyes once filled with fear,
You hear a little laugh that sounds oh-so-dear.

Little feet, little minds. So many children, so little time.

Once someone’s little angel, now ours for awhile,
That gives us hugs and kisses and a big, warm smile.
Now all those deep dark secrets they’ve kept locked up inside,
They start to tell them to you, a little at a time.
As you sit and listen to the words they say,
You ask yourself, “How come life turns out this way?”

Little feet, little minds. So many children, so little time.

Now the days are passing by and all their fears are too.
You hope you’ve made a difference with all you say and do,
And you know you have when you hear “I love you.”
It makes it all worthwhile when bedtime comes at night,
And you get those hugs and kisses when you turn out the light.

Little feet, little minds. So many children, so little time.

Now as the love inside grows more and more each day,
The call you knew was coming finally comes your way.
They’re coming to get the angel that someone threw away,
Now your heart is breaking because you know that they can’t stay.


As you pack the memories that all of you have made,
You gently wipe away the tears streaming down your face.
And as you place each item a reflection you will see,
Of the child as they are today and how they used to be.

Little feet, little minds. So many children, so little time.

Once again the house falls silent of tiny little feet,
Gently, softly running, playing hide and seek.
Even though you’re leaving, in our hearts you’ll always stay
In a special place, safely locked away.
God bless all little angels sent from heaven up above.
May they all find families, filled with happiness and love.

Little feet, little minds. So many children, so little time.

E. L. Davis is a foster parent in Chatham County, North Carolina.

Copyright © 2002 Jordan Institute for Families
&#185 Painting "Little Man Big Man" © Steve Walker

CLEVER ADVERTISING

WHO THINKS OF THESE THINGS?

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wHeRe DaRkNeSs ReSiDeS

death
death is nothing at all...
i have only slipped away to the next room...
i am i and you are you...
whatever we were to each, that we are still.

call me by my old familiar name,
speak it to me in the same way you always used.
put no difference into your tone,
wear no false air of solemnity or sorrow.

laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
let it be spoken without effect, without the ghost of a shadow on it.

life means all that it ever meant.
it is the same as it ever was.
there is absolutely unbroken continuity.
what is this death but a negligible accident.

i am but waiting for you for an interval
somewhere very near
just around the corner.
all is well.

do not stand at my grave and weep,
i am not there, i do not sleep.
i am a thousand winds that blow;
i am the diamond glints on the snow.

i am the sunlight on ripened grain;
i am the gentle autumn's rain.

when you awaken in the mornings hush,
i am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.

i am the soft star that shines at night.
do not stand at my grave and cry,
i am not there, i did not die.

From the bureau of interesting - if not useless - information

I don't know if all this is true or not, but it does make for an interesting minute or two of reading...)

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and CharlesThomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the
last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.


Q. Half of all Americans and Canadians live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand.

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. They were all invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey.

Q. On which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase, "Goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the "mead" he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based,this period was called the honey month - which we know today as the "honeymoon".

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Many years ago in Scotland a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick that was thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can, but women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Can't lick your elbow

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%. (Now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%!

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades -King David. Hearts - Charlemagne. Clubs -Alexander, the Great. Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 (the numbers go up to nine, then back to one).

Don't skip this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it:

"I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. (The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid!) Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

AND FINALLY.....

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Laughing Pikachu

Happy National Dog Day!

Happy National Dog Day! - Joe Cool

Thursday, August 25, 2016

25 Awesome (And Some Unexpected) Things Powered By Linux

From your kitchen to the reaches of outer space, Linux really does manage to get everywhere…
BY JOEY-ELIJAH SNEDDON OMG! UBUNTU!
25 Awesome (And Some Unexpected) Things Powered By Linux
With Linux turning the ripe old age of 25 today — halfway to its midlife crisis — I figured: why not make one of those kooky tie-in listicles that are popular on other websites?

So I did. I took to t’internet to find 25 awesome (and in some cases unexpected) things, companies and services that are made possible thanks to Linux.

click here to read them at OMG! Ubuntu!

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Question Mark

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
--Unique Up On It.
Hyuk!

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
--Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
Hyuk!

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
--They Take The Psycho Path
Hyuk!

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
--You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
Hyuk!

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
--Dam!
Hyuk!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
--Polaroid's
Hyuk!

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
--A Stick
Hyuk!

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
--Nacho Cheese.
Hyuk!

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
--Subordinate Clauses.
Hyuk!

10.What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
--Quattro Sinko..
Hyuk!

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
--Spoiled Milk.
Hyuk!

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
--Frostbite.
Hyuk!

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
--A Nervous Wreck.
Hyuk!

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
--Anyone Can Roast Beef.
Hyuk!

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
--Right Where You Left Him.
Hyuk!

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
--Because They Have Big Fingers.
Hyuk!

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
--Because It Scares The Dog.
Hyuk!

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
--Sanka.
Hyuk!

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
--The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
Hyuk!

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
--Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
Hyuk!

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
--A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
--A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
Hyuk!

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
--Either way, Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Hyuk!

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.

Do The Test!


This is Soooo cool!

Slow Dance

For a friend, a co-worker, and a wonderful person - to EVERYONE. 

Slow Dance

Have you ever watched kids
on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain
slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

Do you run through each day on the fly
When you ask "How are you?"
do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,
do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

animated hourglass

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
'Cause you never had time
to call and say "Hi"?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away...
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

*Louise L. Hay

Linux, Linux Everywhere!

Linux, Linux Everywhere!

Happy 25th Birthday Linux!

Linux at 25: Q&A With Linus Torvalds

The creator of the open-source operating system talks about its past, present, and future
Linus Torvalds
Photo: Ian White/Corbis


Linus Torvalds created the original core of the Linux operating system in 1991 as a computer science student at the University of Helsinki in Finland. Linux rapidly grew into a full-featured operating system that can now be found running smartphones, servers, and all kinds of gadgets. In this e-mail interview, Torvalds reflects on the last quarter century and what the next 25 years might bring.

Read it here.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Size Queens

The longest word in the Tamil language is:
animated mouth talkingபோகமுடியாதவர்களுக்காக - For the sake of people who are not able to go

The longest word in the Russian language is:
animated mouth talkingчеловеконенавистничество - meaning hatred of mankind

The longest word in the German language is:
animated mouth talkingDonaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän - "Danube steamship company captain."

The longest word in the English and ANY any language is:
animated mouth talking'Methionylthreonylthreonylglutaminylarginyl...isoleucine' is the chemical name of 'titin' (also known as 'connectin') - the largest known protein. It has 189,819 letters. Takes 3 hours or so to pronounce!


Say that 5 times fast!