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Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Is Windows A Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down
the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -
okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along
with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows
does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their
system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new
hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 90 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
You could run this post over to your friends,
But just e-mail it to them! It will save you the walk!
1. There may be 39 signatures on the U.S. Constitution, but there were only 38 signers. The absent delegate of which state had his name signed by a colleague?
One way to find the answer:
Go to Google and search [Constitution signer not present] to find John Dickinson among the delegates who did not sign the Constitution. Searching for [Constitution signed by proxy] shows that he gave George Read permission to sign for him. Search [John Dickinson delegate] to learn that he represented ________.
2. The radioactive element named after a U.S. state is one of the most expensive substances in the world. How much does it cost per gram?
One way to find the answer:
Go to Google and search [element named after state] to find californium. Search [californium cost per gram] to learn the answer is ___ ____________.
3. You’re standing atop the highest peak in the highlands known as the Roof of Africa. How many more feet would you have to climb to ascend the highest peak in Africa?
Go to Google and search [Roof of Africa highlands] and find this refers to the Ethiopian Highlands, whose highest peak is Ras Dashen, at 14,928 feet. Then search [highest peak in Africa] to find Mount Kilimanjaro at 19,340 feet. Use Google Calculator to subtract [19,340 - 14,928] and find that you’d need to climb another _________ _______.
So a woman goes in to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs. She's intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids. That sounds better, but she wants more and continues on. The next sign reads:
Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. She's excited, but feels compelled to keep going. That sign reads:
Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. Still, she goes up again, where the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Hot Hunks of Man-Flesh, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She almost stays, but is tempted by the sixth floor. The sign there reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. It exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Please Note : To avoid charges of bias, the owner opened a New Wives store nearby. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said..
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together."
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, What does a woman want?"
"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me."
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
--James Holt McGavra
"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming?
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up."
"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...."
"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
"A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine."
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel'!
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Even if you aren't a sports fan this is very interesting!
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving
in the last year.
Can you guess which organization this is?
NFL Or NBA?
Give up yet?
Neither, it's the United States Senate!