***Disclaimer***

*****Disclaimer: The Wizard of 'OZ' makes no money at all from 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow. 'OZ' is 100 % ad-free*****

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Mike The Headless Chicken

Dad Jokes

1. I have a fear of speed bumps.
I'm slowly getting over it.

2. Dad: Be careful standing near those trees.
Daughter: Why? The sky is clear and there's no chance of lightning.
Dad: I don't know really. They just look kind of shady to me.

3. Nurse: Do you smoke?
Dad: Only when I'm on fire.

4. *Holding a stepladder*
This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.

5. Dad: If you're cold you should sit in the corner.
Me: Why?
Dad: Because it's 90 degrees!

6. *Reversing the car*
Ahh, this takes me back.

7. How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

8. *Dad finds a suitcase in the woods filled with three raccoons. He calls the police.*
Dispatcher: This is 911, how can I help you?
Dad: Hi, I just found a suitcase filled with three raccoons.
Dispatcher: That's awful. Are they moving?
Dad: No. That would explain the suitcase, though.

9. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then I turned myself around.

10. Me: I'll call you later.
Dad: Don't call me later, call me Dad.

11. Grandad at my Grandma's funeral.
Me: Are you alright?
Grandad: No, I'm half left.

12. What do you call a man with no nose and no body?
Nobody nose.

13. *A bug hits the windshield while driving*
Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again.

14. Dad: You know a train has been through here.
Me: How can you tell?
Dad: It left tracks.

15. Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

16. Me: Did you get a haircut?
Dad: No, I got them all cut.

17. Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"

18. Apparently, a man in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor guy.

19. *I'm whining about something *
Dad: Would you like a straw?
Me: Why?
Dad: So you can suck it up.

20. Those are really special cows.
They're outstanding in their field.

21. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? 

You look for the fresh prints.

22. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

23. Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Me: Soy milk.
Dad: Hola milk, soy padre.

24. Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.

25. A duck goes into a pharmacy and asks for lip balm.
Cashier: Certainly. Will you be paying for that with cash?
Duck: Can you put it on my bill?
Bad joke

My head hurts....

dazzling illusion

Trump as Canadians see him....

Trump as Canadians see him....

Friday, February 23, 2018

Relationships

Relationships

As I Get Older...

As I Get Older...

Akis - The Powerball Champion! - World Record!

The Wizard has one of these. Most I ever got was around 12,000
POWERBALLS
Explosive, dynamic, exciting... addictive!
NSD Powerball is a revolutionary new Gyroscope which literally explodes with mind numbing inertial forces once you activate its internal rotor!

How fast can you spin it?
An inbuilt speed meter makes it impossible to put down because you'll always want to beat your own high score or those of your friends, making NSD Powerball a seriously entertaining & fiendishly addictive way to exercise and get stronger!

Extreme yet sublime...NSD Powerball!
The unique sphere successfully blurs the line between exercise & fun and is suitable for both male and female, young or old. NSD Powerball generates between 1 - 40lbs of resistance depending on rotor speed and will tone the arms & wrists, build muscle or gently rehabilitate damaged limbs with its smooth non impact action. Inexpensive to buy, this is one of world's most popular gift ideas and will instantly satisfy 4 very specific requirements for you as:

The definitive instrument for athletes and enthusiasts of many different kinds of sports, hobbies and pastimes (especially Musicians!)

A highly addictive and fun to use "gadget" for competitive males & females (could you secure a place on the Top 100 scoreboard??)

A revolutionary new fitness product to help tone the arms and shoulders for women or build substantial power and muscle in the arms, wrists, hands and shoulders for men.

The perfect instrument to gently rehabilitate lower forearm and wrist joints affected by carpal tunnel syndrome, repetitive strain injury RSI, arthritis or previous breakage.

NSD Powerball is supplied to you with a 25 year Gold warranty and a full money back guarantee. ~ $50.00 CDN

Powerballs.com

CUPS

300 Square Foot Home

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Wacky People Dichotomous Key Lab

Wacky People Dichotomous Key Lab
Instructions on how to use the key:

The purpose of using the key is to name the creature shown. Stick with one character until the name is reached, then go to the next.

• A dichotomous key gives instructions in pairs of statements.
• With each character, start with the first pair of statements.
• Decide which description describes your chosen character best and follow the line to the right.
• There will either be a number or a name. If it is a number, go to the pair of steps with that
number, for example, if the number is 3, go to steps 3a and 3b.
• If the line ends in a name you have identified your character, so write it down by the creature.
• Continue until each creature has a name. There is only one creature per name, and no creature has two names.

Click here for the exercise. Note ANSWERS ON THE LAST PAGE of the PDF. NO CHEATING!

Popcorn !!

popcorn popping

Sullllllllllllaaaaaaaappppppppp!

Robot liar detector

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

-- ON EXCEPTIONS, PRETTY BIG --

I repeat what I said Saturday: Everything that has been said about me and my colleagues in the party is untrue, except for some things that have been published by some media outlets.

Real Housewives of New Jersey star Spanish prime minister Mariano Rajoy


-- CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT DEPARTMENT --

Rutland Regional Medical Center President Thomas Hubner says he's optimistic about the future except when he's not.

Rutland (Vermont) Herald


-- ON YEAH, WE BELIEVE IT! --

Caller: Hi, I think someone's using my Internet.

Tech support: Why do you think that?

Caller: I have found a folder full of pornographic pictures on my hard drive.

Tech support: Well, probably someone at your house is saving porn onto your hard drive.

Caller: How dare you imply that! My husband is always on the Internet looking at a fishing website!


actual tech support call

-- ON WHAT DOES OWEN HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS? --

TRY A TASTY COOKIE WARMED IN OWEN

readout on a cash register screen
-- ON DEATH, IMPERMANENT --

GENERAL WHO RAN SOUTH VIETNAM BRIEFLY DIES AT 86

headline, Orange County (California) Register

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Yuk Yuks

Laughter is an instant vacation
The King & The Donkey

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot.

And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

Life just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
This is what happens when old people start using technology.

CRISIS RUNS IN THE FAMILY

BOBBITT FAMILY UPDATE
IN A RECENT NEWS BROADCAST, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT LORENA BOBBITT'S
SISTER LOUELLA WAS ARRESTED FOR AN ALLEGED ATTEMPT TO PERFORM THE SAME
ACT ON HER HUSBAND AS HER FAMOUS SISTER HAD DONE SEVERAL YEARS AGO .
SOURCES REVEAL THE SISTER WAS NOT AS ACCURATE AS LORENA .
SHE ALLEGEDLY MISSED THE TARGET AND STABBED HER HUSBAND IN THE UPPER
THIGH CAUSING SEVERE MUSCLE AND TENDON DAMAGE . THE HUSBAND IS
REPORTED TO BE IN SERIOUS, BUT STABLE CONDITION, AND LOUELLA HAS BEEN
CHARGED WITH . . . ?

A MISDAWIENER!

Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below.

QUESTION: You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWERS:

Canadian Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Australian Police Officer:
BANG !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

I think that's a yes..

Racoon

"To realize..."

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE DAY, ask a bride the day before her wedding.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who has missed a train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment you have.

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

The fairest Layoff Letter ever!

This letter was sent this week to a major employer here in Calgary. I changed the name of the company:

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Rachel Notley is our Alberta Premier and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

But, since we cannot increase our prices right now, due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off 60 of our employees, instead. This really has been bothering me, since I believe that we are family here, and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found 60 'NDP bumper stickers' on our employees cars and have decided that these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.

They voted for change, so I gave it to them.

I'll see the rest of you at the annual company picnic!

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

"How Could You?"

Cute doggie

When I was a puppy I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" - but then you'd relent and roll me over for a bellyrub.

My housetraining took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed, listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs," you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.

She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" - still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy. Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love."

As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch - because your touch was now so infrequent - and I would have defended them with my life if need be.

I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams. Together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway. There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.

Now you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family.

I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog or cat, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a goodbye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too.

After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?"

They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you - that you had changed your mind - that this was all a bad dream...or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me. When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited.

I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table, rubbed my ears and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood.

She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?"

Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself - a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. With my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not meant for her. It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever.

May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.

The End

*© Jim Willis 2001

Here is a picture of Trump with 500 dick pics - Enjoy

Here is a picture of Trump with 500 dick pics
Click on the picture to view the original

I will Survive - Alien version


and

Thriller Animation

What Will We Miss - Vsauce

Monday, February 19, 2018

"The Best Interest of Others"

Mel Gibson
THE THIMBLE

One day when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's their story, and they're sticking to it.

Juvenoia - Vsauce

Ransom Note...

Ransom Note

And you think you are dumb sometimes

Are you stupid?
Some days I think I'm so dumb and then I get an email like this. The worst part is that most of these people make way, way more money than I do or ever will.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part ofyour life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
--John Wayne.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, ex Vice President.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle.

“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another."
--George Bush, US President.

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca.

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President.

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

...Feeling smarter yet?