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Monday, February 18, 2019

Words women use

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to finish watching the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine".

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake! ..

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

Letter to The Electric Company

I complained about my recent electric bill and here's the response!


Dear Electric Customer,

Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent price hike. But it should be noted that you have no choice. We are a big company and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice. We have the power, you need the power. So sad, too bad. Sucks to be you.

We have enclosed a little picture to help outline our response.

Have a nice day and keep those checks coming!

Sincerely,

Your Local Power Co.


THIS IS SOME GOOD ADVICE!






If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.





Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.





On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and
pout..! run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.





Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle
them gently.


HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping. Put them in reception.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved. Congratulate them and put them in top management!!

Get your effin' facts straight, eh?


** H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

*To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

*When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

*Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.

*A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

*Liter: A nest of young puppies.

*Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

*Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

*Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

*The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.

*A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

*To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

*For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.

*For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

*Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

*The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

*Blood flows down one leg and up the other.


** If you think these are facts, God help ya!

The Wiz's Quiz! A man walks into a bar.

1. A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says ___?

A. "Yeah, you can get this guy off my bahookie!"
B. "Give me a drink, I'm thirsty!"
C. "Hey, I don't speak human lingo, I am a duck!"
D. "Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack!"



2. A man walks into a bar and says what?

A. "Hi", and then sits down at the bar and has a drink!
B. "OUCH!" (You would have thought he would have seen it!)
C: "Sniff", then uses the men's room and pays his bar bill!
D: "Just looking for a pal", looks around and walks out again!



3. A man walks into a bar, orders a drink and eats from the dish of peanuts on the counter while he waits. He hears a soft whisper: "You look so nice today". A few minutes later he hears it again: "That's a nice shirt; it suits you". The man asks the bartender, "Did you hear that? I heard someone whisper nice things to me".

The bartender says ___?

A. "You are crazy, get out of my bar or I will call the cops!"
B. "Poor man, I will call you a cab to take you directly to the ear doctor!"
C. "I am a ventriloquist and I practise on my customers. I'm good huh?"
D. "Oh, it's the complimentary peanuts!"



4. A Martian walks into a bar and orders 20 pints of Guinness, 28 root beers, 60 glasses of orange juice, 40 lemonades and a gin and tonic. He downs them all in one go and then asks for the same again. He carries on drinking all night. The barman totals up the bill and an hour later he finally says, "Your bill is 1507 dollars". The Martian says ___?

A. "I need more drinks as I did not spend enough cash!"
B. "I need no money, I am a Martian man!"
C. "Do you have change of a Zonk?"
D. "I will shoot you with my water pistol ray gun!"



5. Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. What does the bartender say?

A. "Sorry, Bacon and Eggs are not allowed here!"
B. "Bacon and Eggs cannot walk into a bar!"
C. "I think that I must be seeing things!"
D. "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast!"



6. A male ghost walks into a bar, and the bartender says ___?

A. "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here!"
B. "Scream!" and faints!
C. "It cannot be Halloween again so soon!"
D. "We do not serve ghosts here!"



7. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says ___?

A. "A beer please, and this tarmac is heavy!"
B. "A beer please, and one for yourself too!"
C. "A beer please, and a whisky!"
D. "A beer please, and one for the road!"



8. Two male cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside a clown. The first cannibal whacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal says ___?

A. "He needs some garnish!"
B. "I don't like clowns for dinner but I am hungry!"
C. "He is a bit too chewy!"
D. "Hey, do you taste something funny?"



9. A (male) skeleton walks into a bar and says ___.

A. "I'd like lemonade please!"
B. "Do you have any bar work?"
C. "When does the karaoke start?"
D. "I'd like a beer and a mop please!"



10. A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes one sip and sets it down. A monkey appears suddenly and steals the beer. The man asks the bartender who owns the monkey and is told "the piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer?" The pianist replies with what?

A. "I need to send him to AA again!"
B. "What monkey is that?"
C. "No, but if you hum the tune, I'll try and play it!"
D. "Yes, I know, he was thirsty!"

Click here for the answers!

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Driving test for men



Most men will get this right!!

You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and come upon a bicycle rider. Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice?






Scroll down...




















Why take unnecessary risks? And the gay guy says..."Geez, can't she move over??? what????"

A Deep Thought

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.

Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.

It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.

On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. "Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much." were most of the comments.

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.

Several years later, one of the students was killed in Viet Nam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.

The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.

As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. "Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded: "yes." Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot."

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.

"We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it."

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.

"Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."

All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."

Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album."

"I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary."

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists."

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.

So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.

Happy Birthday Mama

It's been 15 years Mama

I can't believe it has been fifteen years, Mama
It still doesn't feel real
Sometimes I think of you
and want to just pick up the phone
to say hello..

Mama thank you for who I am
Thank you for all the things I'm not
Forgive me for the words unsaid
For the times
I forgot

Mama remember all my life
You showed me love,You sacrificed
Think of those young and early days
How I've changed
along the way

And I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
I miss you, I miss you

Mama forgive the times you cried
Forgive me for not making right
All of the storms I may have caused
And I've been wrong
Dry your eyes

Mama I hope this makes you smile
I hope you're happy with my life
At peace with every choice I made
How I've changed
Along the way
And I know you believed in all of my dreams
And I owe it all to you, Mama

*Il Divo, Mama
Here is the link to my one year memorial to "My Mom"

What pets do when you're not around...

Electric Fence

The story accompanying these photos is one of 7 circulating over the net. This one is wrong as it places the incidence in Australia.... first clue it's not quite right? Pythons are from Africa.

The final comment from Urban Legends and hoaxes:

Of the seven different captions that have accompanied the preceding images on their email rounds since July 2005, only one correctly identifies their place of origin: a game farm in South Africa. Specifically, the snapshots were taken at the Silent Valley Game Ranch in the Limpopo Province.

As stated on the ranch's Web site, the snake is four-meter-long rock python which, shortly before its death, had swallowed a full-grown female impala, making its body too fat to squeeze under the electric fence without touching it.


Electric Fence....

Read story first!!!

An Australian sheep farmer was puzzled at the disappearance of sheep on his farm.

After a few weeks of sheep disappearing the farmer decided to put up an electric fence.

This is what he found! ...


Berlin Zoo Greets Female Baby Polar Bear in First Checkup

by BARBARA LEONARD | CourthouseNews.com

(CN) — Touting the cub’s “bearish female power,” the Tierpark zoo in Berlin, Germany, said Friday it was finally able to perform a medical checkup that determined the sex of a baby born in December to Tonja the polar bear.

Still unnamed, Tonja’s 11-week-old cub is “a perky, strong girl,” weighing 18.7 pounds and stretching 24 inches from head to tail.
Tonja and her cub are not out of the woods yet, so to speak: the zoo warns that polar bears have an “extremely high” infant mortality rate.

Roughly 85 percent of polar bears in the wild do not live past their second birthday, and both of Tonja’s last two cubs died within months of birth.

Tonja herself is 9 and mated with 7-year-old Wolodja several times in March and April 2018.

Noting that polar bears are solitary animals, and that males in the wild are not involved in raising the young, Wolodja was moved back to the zoo over the summer to ensure a peaceful pregnancy for Tonja.

No one approached the birthing den for months after the cub’s birth on Dec. 1, 2018, to ensure a healthy atmosphere, but zookeepers using a video feed saw the cub first open her eyes at around 5 weeks.

“The camera shows us that the cub is becoming more active every day,” curator Florian Sicks said at the time. “It is already trying to crawl and get up on its feet.”
Tonja will likely return to the zoo in the coming months.

“In zoos just as in the wild, mothers and their cubs do not leave their dens until the spring,” the zoo reports.

Saturday, February 16, 2019

DEFINITIONS

THERE WERE TWO LADIES WALKING ON THE SIDEWALK, AHEAD WAS A DIRTY OLD MAN CROSSING THE STREET, HE CROSSED TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET WHEN HE SAW THE LADIES COMING, AFTER THEY PASSED HE RETURNED BACK ACROSS THE STREET, ONE LADY SAID TO THE OTHER LADY,

"HE IS A DIRTY DOUBLE CROSSER"
Woo-Hoo!



A FELLOW WENT FISHING IN HIS TRAM BOAT, HE WANTED TO COMMUNICATE WITH THE FISH, SOOOOOO...

HE DROPPED THEM A LINE.

What are the best new products that people don't know about?


Xstat Syringe
The Xstat Syringe
Hemorrhage is a leading cause of death on the battlefield. The Xstat syringe can seal a gunshot wound in 15 seconds by injecting the soldier with special sponges.

--more at Quora.com

Injuries - How Bad it Looks VS Pain

Injuries - How Bad it Looks VS Pain

Injuries - How Bad it Looks VS Pain

Best Pranks - The Mannequin

Best Pranks - The Mannequin

Take your shoes off at the door...

take your shoes off at the door...

Some Surprising Things

Friday, February 15, 2019

Travel INSIDE a Black Hole

Top 10 Decade Defining Songs, 1950- 2000's













Singing Birds

Once you get to the Minnesota Natural Resources website, 
Click on the birds and they will sing


Singing Birds - Click here
Click above

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.



A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."He returns her gaze, "Anything?""Anything."His voice softens, "Anything?""Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"


Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

"Yeah, I think I do!"

"Well, I didn't."


An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."



An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,

"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."



Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night."



A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,

"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"



A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.


A beautiful woman in her thirties was passing through customs in London, when the customs official asks her what the reason for her trip to London was.

Business or pleasure, he asks?

Sadness and pleasure! She says to the officer!

Why?

Well, my 75 years old husband has just died and I came to his funeral!

My condolences, says the officer!

It must be a very difficult and painful time you're going through!

Not really, this is my pleasure! I'm so sad because only now I found out that he was dead broke and did not leave a dime, a penny, not even a Will for me!

clapping

Wise Words

Be Wise


Be Wise!Chewing gum could make you a better driver

Consider popping a stick of gum in your mouth before getting behind the wheel. Japanese researcher suggests that doing so could help keep you safe. When scientists asked people to press buttons in response to cues on a screen, those who were chewing gum reacted up to 9% or 45 milliseconds faster than those who weren’t.

The reason: Chewing stimulates the frontal cortex (the area of the brain that governs attention), prepping you for speedy reactions, so you’ll be able to tap that brakes faster in an emergency.


Be Wise!Positive Talk and Listening

"Be careful how you talk to yourself it may be one of the few times you are actually listening!"

Be Wise!Circle Love

When you like or love someone, put their name in a circle not a heart because a heart can break but a circle goes on for ever.

Be Wise!STEPS TO LIFE

WATCH WHAT YOU THINK,

IT BECOMES WHAT YOU SAY.

WATCH WHAT YOU SAY,

IT BECOMES WHAT YOU DO.

WATCH WHAT YOU DO,

IT BECOMES YOUR CHARACTER.

WATCH YOUR CHARACTER,

IT DETERMINES WHAT YOUR FUTURE WILL BE LIKE...


Be Wise!Read 2 Books a Month

If you read 25 pages a day, 6 days a week during your exercise time (walking, biking, elliptical, etc.) you will be able to read two, 300+ page books EVERY MONTH!

Be Wise!Lying !

You may need to lie to the world; but, never lie to yourself!

Be Wise!Linguistic Ecstasy

Let these words tingle your heart, mind, and soul.

Make the words a rose that never gets old.

An epic of delight in each word told.

Wrap my words around your heart like a glove.

Every vowel will protect you with love.

Purify your heart with these verbal doves.

Let the letters caress your eyes with pleasure.

Each verse is a hug of priceless measure.

The consonants adore you like treasure.

Feel the elation jump off the paper.

Let the words lift you like a skyscraper.

Float away with the verbal love vapor.

Allow every verse to make your beautiful smile gigantic.

Feel every stanza like the semantics are romantic.


Be Wise!Anybody out there?

It’s easy to get lost in your job especially in a fast paced technical workplace. Many people work in isolation. They encounter real problems that someone else may have solved already. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Don’t work in a vacuum. Get together formally in groups or informally with co-workers and colleagues. You can identify problems and exchange solutions and strategies. Share the load, and you’ll find you lighten the burden.

Be Wise!To clean the microwave

To clean and freshen the microwave, in a bowl mix ¼ cup of white vinegar and 1 cup of water and heat for 5 minutes, this will remove odors and soften baked on food spills.

Be Wise!Humour is truth

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations.

There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

- VICTOR BORGE -


Be Wise!Do well in business

Want to do well in your own business? The three stages of success are....Give everyone the impression that you are a creative genius. Employ people who can run the business better than you can. Let them get on with it.