Wednesday, March 04, 2015

Three Hymns

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,

"I'll take him

Sexy HIM

and him

Sexy HIM

and him!

Sexy HIM

Worst Accident Picture Ever (very graphic).....

Thomas Kincade - "Painter of Light"

Thomas Kincade - 'Painter of Light'

Black and White



Laurel and Hardy

(Under age 50? You won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."

TV

Dependin'g on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.

collage

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.

Superman

Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.

TV

I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives...
Good guys always won the fights.

TV

Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too many fights,
I wanna go back to black and white.

TV

In God they trusted, alone they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.

Cowboy

But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '63.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.

Tv and Chair

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight

Clock

To when everybody knew wrong from right.
Life was better in black and white!

Old Man

PS: The Wizard realizes that all the pictures are NOT black&white...

Tuesday, March 03, 2015

Rules for Entering Saskatchewan

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; I drive a pickup truck because I want to.

3. It's called a "gravelled road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. There are cattle and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Highways #1 and #16 go east and west, highways #6 and #2 go north and south, pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to grasp the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat beef and bison. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. This applies to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we prepare a meal, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Barbeque Sauce.

13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be black, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. Curling and hockey are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards; it spooks the fish.

16. Colleges? Try our University of Saskatchewan. They come outta there with an education, plus a love for people and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

FAILURE TO FOLLOW THESE RULES WILL RESULT IN THE SASKATCHEWAN ARMY BEING DISPATCHED. WATCH OUT FOR OUR HOME GROWN FORM OF PRAIRIE JUSTICE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Saskatchewan Army

Kids say the Darndest Things....these are CUTE

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something! wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty!"



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


*Thanks, Wanda

A few "Truisms"

Truism
Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand .

I'm in shape.
Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark,
professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and
for the same reason.

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.

There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say
the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing
at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.

Mission To Make You Smile!

Mission to make you smile. Click here

Click above to play!

Monday, March 02, 2015

Weirdest Hotel Rooms

Hotel de Glace, Canada
This stunning hotel was intricately sculpted from ice. Yep, even the beds!
Hotel de Glace, Canada


goto stumbleupon for 11 more

Now doesn't this make you feel small and insignificant...

This is a tiny patch of the sky, and every speck of light in this image is a galaxy.
This is a tiny patch of the sky, and every speck of light in this image is a galaxy.
NASA, ESA, G. Illingworth, D. Magee, and P. Oesch (University of California, Santa Cruz), R. Bouwens (Leiden University), and the HUDF09 Team / Via hubblesite.org

(Apart from a few, which are stars – you can tell those apart because there are little spikes of light radiating from them.)

Cool photos

Aurora Borealis over Finland

Horsetail Fall, Yosemite , shot during February's "firefall" phenomenon



Long exposure of a lightning bolt hitting a tree.

Meteor over Stonehenge, England

Mont Saint-Michel, a rocky island in Normandy, France


Tornado sucks up a rainbow...is this real?

SPOCK

Sunday, March 01, 2015

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

STUPID is as STUPID Says!

-- ON WE CAN'T IMAGINE WHY --

Ever since I wrote a song about dismembering men and eating them I've felt an intimidation factor.

singer Ke$ha

STUPID is as STUPID Says!

-- ON SEGUES, BIZARRE --

It was Gandhi who said, "there are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread." That is unlikely to apply to Robert Schofield, boss of the UK's biggest food manufacturer, Premier Foods.

in an article in the trade publication The Grocer


STUPID is as STUPID Says!

-- ON WE ARE ALSO DELIGHTED WITH HIS DEMITASSES --

Our chef has created this menu wishing you'll be delighted with his saucers.

written on a menu, Spain


STUPID is as STUPID Says!

-- ON JOB RÉSUMÉ HOBBIES THAT REALLY SELL EMPLOYERS --

• Hobbies: Sitting on the levee at night watching alligators.
• Hobbies: Sleeping, etc. etc.
• Hobbies: Painting my toenails in varying colors.

items on actual résumés


STUPID is as STUPID Says!

-- ON AND HOW MANY DEAD ONES? --

We estimate that 700,000 living spectators are lined up today to see this parade.

ABC-TV commentator during the 2013 Tournament of Roses Parade

Wise Words

Be Wise
Be Wise!Eliminate nighttime worries

If your mind races when you should be sleeping, try this: Using the heel of your hand, rub the area between your eyebrows while imagining your worries gathering under your palm. Then exhale and slowly lower your hand. Meditation experts say this helps you round up anxious thoughts and discharge them, so you will drift off with ease.

Be Wise!Boost Creativity

The next time you need to find a solution to a problem, take a minute to doodle a few triangles with points that reach toward the top of the page. Psychology experts say triangles symbolize self-discovery and revelation, while the upward points signify direction toward a goal; so this sketch delivers instant inspiration to help you come up with an idea in a flash.

Be Wise!QUOTE: Success, Emerson

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Be Wise!This Will Get Them Every Time

It is pleasing to reflect back on one’s accomplishments, but it is always a mistake to assume that another finds your recitations any more pleasing than if you were reciting last weeks weather report. Now, if you really want to get their attention, ask them about their accomplishments.

Be Wise!Interpersonal Skills - Silence is Golden

Speech needs company; silence needs solitude

Speech wants to conquer others; silence helps conquer oneself

Speech demands respect, silence commands it

Speech is self -expression; silence is self-experience

Speech is mind bound, silence is soul bound

Speech asserts ego; silence effaces it

Speech dissipates ego; silence conserves it

Speech is human; silence is divine

Speech receives appreciation; silence receives adoration

Great works are inspired by speech but written in silence

Life is a flower; silence is its fragrance

We surround ourselves with noise, because we are uncomfortable with silence

We fill our lives with distractions, because we are reluctant to confront.


Be Wise!Famous Quote - Character Development

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

- Hellen Keller


Be Wise!Interpersonal Skills - The pains of life

In life there are 2 great pains... The pain of getting what you want & the pain of not getting what you want.

Be Wise!One Liners - Mind

A mind is like a parachute. It only works when it's open!

Be Wise!Business - Self-confidence

Self-confidence is also a wealth, which you can invest in your business. In fact it can be considered as the basic need in your business program.

Be Wise!Interpersonal Skills - Appeaser

"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last."

- Winston Churchill


Be Wise!Famous Quote - Walking Away a Winner

"The scoreboard can't make you a loser. If you walk off the field with your head up, you don't lose. You don't hang your head for nobody. People in the stands think you're the greatest or the worst - their opinion doesn't make a difference. The only opinion that makes any difference is your own opinion of yourself. Nobody can make you a loser."

- Dan Marino, Sr.

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners


Haeeya!


The Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

HYUK!


Gentlemen, I'm dying.

A priest, a lawyer, and an accountant were all at the bedside of a very ill man. The man said to them,

"Gentlemen, I'm dying. Before I go, however, I want to ask you one final favor: My family is rotten and I don't want to give any of them an inheritance. I would like to be buried with the remainder of my money." He then hands the priest, the lawyer, and the accountant three envelopes that contain $100,000 each.

"While my coffin is being lowered into the earth, please throw each of the envelopes in. Don't tell anyone what's inside the envelopes."

So the three men leave. Sure enough, one week later, the man dies. During the funeral, the three men toss the envelopes into the grave whilst the coffin was being lowered. After the funeral, the three men go to a cafe to discuss the life of the old man. The priest says,

"I have a confession: I took $10,000 from my envelope. But I used it to fix up the children's home. The old man was always very generous and loved the children. I'm sure he wouldn't mind seeing where his money went."

The lawyer pipes in,

"Well, I also have a confession: I took $30,000 as payment of a personal loan he borrowed from me years ago."

The accountant, looking rather shocked, says,

"I cannot believe you two! I wrote a personal check that covered the whole thing!"


HYUK!


Carlos told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi. “The next day she bought him an electric guitar.”


HYUK!


Officer, there is no way...

A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding.

The cop walks up to the car and says to the driver, "Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?"

The driver says, "Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!"

The cop says, "Really! Why is that?"

The driver replies, "I could not have been going 60 miles an hour because I've only been out driving for 25 minutes."


HYUK!

An Unemployed Engineer Tries Medicine

An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

HYUK!


A woman visited a modern-art gallery. One painting was bright blue with vivid orange swirls and the one hanging next to it was black with lime-green splotches.

The artist stood nearby, so as politely as she could, the woman said to him, "I'm sorry, but I just don't understand you paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," the artist replied.

"I see," the woman replied innocently. "Have you tried Alka-Seltzer?"


HYUK!

A squirrel is living in a pine tree...

A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day it starts to shake and rock.

So he looks outside and he sees a large elephant trying to climb up the tree.

"What the hell!" the squirrel exclaims. "What the hell do you think you're doing climbing up this tree?!"

The elephant responds. "I'm climbing up here to eat pears."

The squirrel is befuddled. "You moron! This is a pine tree! There are no pears!"

The elephants stares at him for a moment before replying, "I know. I brought my own."


HYUK!



The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; we then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

HYUK!

You're in an Airplane

A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hi, where am I?"

The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane."

The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers asked the pilot how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office, and from there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"

If I Were a Millionaire...

The teacher said; "Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.'"

Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.

"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"

"I'm waiting for my secretary," Joe replied.

HYUK!

An old man goes in to town...

An old man decides to go into town one day to run some errands. On the way back, his wife calls his cell phone.

"Look out honey, I just saw on the news that there's a car driving the wrong way on the interstate."

"Not just one car, they all are!"

HYUK!

FPost Tortoise Politician

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of idiot put him up there to begin with."


HYUK!

The Shakespeare Seat

My grandparents were taking me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.

"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"

"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."

"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."

"How do you figure that?"

"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."


clapping