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Sunday, June 17, 2018

A Few "Priceless" Jokes...

A Few "Priceless" Jokes...
A Few "Priceless" Jokes...
A Few "Priceless" Jokes...
A Few "Priceless" Jokes...

The New Noah's Ark

Noah's Ark
In the year 2004, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Canada, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard .... but no ark. "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then Transport Canada and the Departments of Highways and Hydro demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then Environment Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?".

"No", said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it"

Know your Parasites

Know your  Parasites

Best of 1980s Slang

Jast say NO

what not to say to a person with a mental health problem

A blast to the past that's berry good!

Flavoradios
I had the blueberry one

Saturday, June 16, 2018

How would you solve this problem??

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

....HOWEVER....

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

How many calories in an average human - cannibalism

By Matt Cantor, Newser Staff

skull
Cannibals would get about 81,500 calories from eating a person. (Shutterstock)
(NEWSER) – Popular Science has some nutritional information for Hannibal Lecter: It's probably best not to eat an entire human at once. Scientist James Cole finds that a whole person probably contains about 81,500 calories—about 40 times more than your recommended daily value. But individual pieces of person are more manageable. An arm contains about 1,800 calories, a leg 7,150. Snacking on a brain, spinal cord, and nerve trunks? That's 2,700 calories.

That data comes from four adult male bodies from the 1940s and 50s. Cole helpfully created an entire chart showing different cuts of human meat. Why, you ask, did he do this? Well, he's an expert on human origins, and he's interested in whether certain hominins ate each other for ritual purposes or health purposes. Researchers recently found hominin bones in Spain with cutting marks that look like those left on eaten animals. Cole's chart could perhaps help researchers figure out whether hominins were seeking to eat the healthy parts of their victims.
cannibal
Illustration by Jason Schneider

Click for the full post.

Life is short

Life is short

RAGGED OLD FLAG


RAGGED OLD FLAG

I walked through a county courthouse square,
On a park bench an old man was sitting there.
I said, "Your old courthouse is kinda run down."
He said, "Naw, it'll do for our little town."
I said, "Your flagpole has leaned a little bit,
And that's a Ragged Old Flag you got hanging on it.

He said, "Have a seat", and I sat down.
"Is this the first time you've been to our little town?"
I said, "I think it is." He said, "I don't like to brag,
But we're kinda proud of that Ragged Old Flag."

"You see, we got a little hole in that flag there
When Washington took it across the Delaware.
And it got powder-burned the night Francis Scott Key
Sat watching it writing Oh Say Can You See".
And it got a bad rip in New Orleans
With Packingham and Jackson tuggin' at its seams."

"And it almost fell at the Alamo
Beside the Texas flag, but she waved on through.
She got cut with a sword at Chancellorsville
And she got cut again at Shiloh Hill.
There was Robert E. Lee, Beauregard, and Bragg,
And the south wind blew hard on that Ragged Old Flag."

"On Flanders Field in World War I
She got a big hole from a Bertha gun.
She turned blood red in World War II
She hung limp and low by the time it was through.
She was in Korea and Vietnam.
She went where she was sent by her Uncle Sam."

"She waved from our ships upon the briny foam,
And now they've about quit waving her back here at home.
In her own good land she's been abused --
She's been burned, dishonored, denied and refused."

"And the government for which she stands
Is scandalized throughout the land.
And she's getting threadbare and wearing thin,
But she's in good shape for the shape she's in.
'Cause she's been through the fire before
And I believe she can take a whole lot more."

"So we raise her up every morning,
Take her down every night.
We don't let her touch the ground
And we fold her up right.
On second thought I DO like to brag,
'Cause I'm mighty proud of that Ragged Old Flag."

Written by Johnny Cash

The Road to Significance

by Michael Josephson, What Will Matter

The most traditional way to measure the quality of one’s life is to evaluate success by listing accolades, achievements, and acquisitions. After all, in its simplest terms, success is getting what we want and most people want wealth and status.

Yet, as much pleasure as these attributes can bring, the rich, powerful, and famous usually discover that true happiness will elude them if they do not have peace of mind, self-respect, and enduring loving relationships.

Peace of mind doesn’t preclude ambition or desire for material possessions or high position, but it assumes a fundamental foundation of contentment, gratitude, and pride — a belief that whatever one has is enough and an attitude of active appreciation for the good things in one’s life.

Feeling successful can generate satisfying emotions of self-worth, but feeling significant — that one’s life really matters – is much more potent. Peter Drucker, the great management guru, captured this idea when he wrote of the urge many high achievers have to “move beyond success to significance.”

The surprise for many is that one of the surest roads to significance is service. It doesn’t have to be of the Mother Teresa missionary variety. Parents who sacrifice their own comfort and pleasure for their children are performing service, as are teachers, public-safety professionals, members of the military, and volunteers who work for the common good.

In addressing graduates, Albert Schweitzer said, “I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.”

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

The hills are alive with...

Friday, June 15, 2018

Letters Game

Online chatting has produced a new language.

Chat Acronyms - Click here.
Chat Acronyms - Click above.

Questions


1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right ,so why don't we say, "That hurt?"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife (husband) told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Canadians is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you...

I Am Gay - HAPPY PRIDE!

This is an open letter to my Father, my Mother, my Brother, my Sister, my Aunt, my Uncle, my Grandmother, my Grandfather, my Cousin and my friend.


I am writing to You today with a heavy heart. I do not how to say this, so I guess I will just blurt it out.

I AM GAY.

I am afraid to tell You who I am.

I'm The Pink Sheep Of The FamilyI could be any of the following:
I am the daughter You gave birth to, I am the one You nursed.
I am the son You taught how to play baseball, I am the one You took fishing.
I am the Granddaughter You baked cookies for, I am the one You taught to sew.
I am the Grandson You saved Your card collection for, I am the one who holds Your hand on a walk.
I am the Mother You hug every night, I am the one who needs Your love.
I am the Father who worries a lot; I am the one who needs Your acceptance.
I am the sister You talk about Your fears to, I am the one who is hoping You
are listening.
I am the brother You wrestle with, I am the one who hopes You will protect me.
I am the cousin You played hide and seek with, I am the one who is afraid, and is hiding.
I am Your friend.

Please accept me for what I am, and that is a person - who happens to be Gay.

Amazing! ASCII Art!

Pick up Lines

SexualityandU.ca


sexualityandu.ca
Click above to visit

Who Killed Mr. Body?

Mr. Body is dead-- murdered. There are ten questions. Ten clues. Can you solve the mystery of "Who Killed Mr. Body?"



1. You question Dr. Sklodowski in his laboratory cautiously, not because you're afraid of him-- he seems a sedate, scholarly man. No, you fear any wrong move would send a stack of arcane scientific equipment crashing down on you! But that was not what could have killed Mr. Body.
"Dr. Sklodowski, I hear that you are a renowned inventor. What kind of devices do you create?"
"I make gadgets for removing static electricity during industrial processes like rolling paper, wire, and sheet metal."
"What do you use in these devices? Anything special?"
"No, nothing special, really..."
"But," whispers pu2-ke-qi-ri in your ear, "You should know better. What radioactive element, used in devices that eliminate static electricity, has been implicated in the 2006 poisoning of former Russian KGB officer Alexander Litvinenko?"



Answer: ( One word. Give either the name of the element or the symbol.)


2. As you sit down across from Rev. Robert Hopkins III in a sunny corner of the study, you feel relatively confident that the interview is a mere formality that will competely absolve the Southern Baptist minister from anything having to do with Mr. Body's demise. After all, Rev. Hopkins had led a blameless, selfless life and is known for his tireless campaign against sin and depravity. But then he mentions, almost offhandedly, that his wife Ruth was raised in Appalachia and was a member of a fundamentalist religion sect that "handled snakes" as part of their style of worship. "Were the snakes poisonous?" you ask. "Yes, very," he replied, smiling. "But my wife and her family were never so much as bitten. In fact, even though I don't recommend that type of worship in my church, my wife insists on keeping a snake around as a reminder. It's just a little coral snake that we keep in its own terrarium at all times. But she's quite fond of it from a distance."

As you walk out of the study, Gretas muses to herself, "Which of these does the venom of a coral snake affect most strongly?"




Breathing

Digestion

Vision

Cognition



3. While searching the house of Mr. Body's brother-in-law, Geoffrey, you discover a blood-soaked axe, a wall covered in photos of Mr. Body, each with the words "You must die" scrawled across them in red marker, a copybook containing a selection of plots for Mr. Body's murder, and a signed, sealed and witnessed confession.

Over a supper of roast lamb, Geoffrey claims that he is innocent, and just created the above for "a bit of a laugh". True to his characterization of himself, Goeffrey chuckles as you leave, and you wonder why. Before any thoughts can fully form in you mind, Islington asks you, "Which gas is commonly known as 'Laughing Gas'?"




Carbon Dioxide

Nitrous Oxide

Methane

Helium



4. Next, you travel to the home of Mr. Body to see what you can discover there. You happen to stumble into the unique and exquisite billiard room. The walls of the room are filled with antique weapons spanning all the way back to the War of 1812. John Smith (the owner of these weapons), greets you with a handshake and a pint of beer. You tell him that one of these weapons might have been used in this mysterious murder. Apathy100 points to a replica of this weapon on the wall and tells John that you are looking for more information about this unique weapon. John replies, "This weapon was the largest weapon ever used in land warfare. It was a popular weapon that became famous during the Boer War." What weapon is this?



Maxim machine gun

British 9.2

Pom-pom gun

Colt .45



5. In the boudoir, you find a jar of cold cream in front of the mirror on a dresser and ask the suspiciously un-bereaved Mrs. Body about it. "Oh, that's nothing," she says, flicking her wrist dismissively. "My skin gets so dry at this time of year." You can't stop staring at it, though: As CellarDoor reminds you, in 1960, the CIA famously concealed poison pills in a similar jar. They were attempting to kill Fidel Castro; on whom did they rely to deliver the pills?



His bodyguard, Fabian Escalante

His lover, Marita Lorenz

His disillusioned fellow revolutionary, Juan Morales

Notorious bomber Luis Posada Carriles



6. All this questioning has made you rather hungry, so you stroll down to the kitchen where you can "kill two birds with one stone"; grab a sandwich and question the chef, one Wolfgang Steinitz von Hejdunk. The chef, an amicable fellow explains to you that he has been in Mr. Body's employ for the past 13 months.
"Last night's dinner," he recalls, "was a fine lobster bisque, followed by my signature spinach lasagna and sole fillets".
"So," you inquire, "how do you explain the jar of cyanide that was found in your drawer."
"Oh that, I use that for keeping the mice out of the pantry, and besides, I could never have used cyanide, after all, everybody knows that cyanide has a very distinct smell" he responds without even batting an eyelid.
"Really? What does cyanide smell like?" LeoDaVinci asks.




Lemons

Almonds

Chocolate

Coffee



7. You leave the kitchen (after enjoying a sandwich of succulent home-cured ham on homemade bread) and Cymruambyth suggests you go in search of the housekeeper, Mrs. Lightbody. You find her in her parlor, brewing tea. She invites you to join her for a cup, and you settle down to take her particulars and her recollection of the events surrounding the murder. You note that she has the same first name as Sherlock Holmes' housekeeper, Mrs. Hudson. What is Mrs. Lightbody's first name?



Maria

Sarah

Martha

Hannah



8. Slightly overwhelmed with the abundance of possibilities, you decide to take a walk around the gardens, to clear your mind. As soon as you step outside you are assaulted by the sweet smell of freshly mown hay, but there are no fields nearby. You track down the source of that heady aroma to a bed of white flowers, on long stems with green leaves. Right away you recognize the plants as being Woodruff, which is a natural source of coumarin, a well known anticoagulant. "That's interesting," Skunkee says, "What other plant(s) naturally contain coumarin?"



Lavendar

All of these

Licorice

Cinnamon



9. Stumbling into the sordid crime scene, our sleuth finds a woman covered in gold paint sprawled dead on the bed. Bruyere exclaims, "Ah yes, this happened to the famous Bond girl in the movie 'Goldfinger'! And didn't Shirley Eaton, the actress playing Jill Masterson, unfortunate gilded Bond girl, die of the exposure to gold paint later?"



Yes

No



10. After the day you have had, you seek some refreshment from your worries. You head to the lavatory to splash some water on your face. You notice that the medicine cabinet is open just a crack so you decide to have a look. While shuffling aside bottles of Xanax, Paxil, Vicodin and Viagra, Joemc37 spots a small bottle prescribed by a Dr. Christine Frantz with a skull and crossbones on the label. Upon a closer look you notice that this bottle is containing rat poison. What is the pungent garlic-like smelling inorganic chemical compound found in rat poison?

The answer is in the interesting info of this very question! Was it the cold cream and a jilted lover? Ertrum thinks the dinner at Geoffrey's reminds him of Roald Dahl. Or was it Dr. Sklodowski and his "scientific" equipment?




Lithium Diisopropylamide

Tetramminecopper Sulfate

Pentasulfide Antimony

Zinc Phosphide

your answers below quiz to discover "Who Killed Mr. Body"!


ANSWERS:



1. The correct answer was Polonium

Other accepted answers: Po

Polonium and radium were the first elements discovered by Marie Curie. She noticed that pitchblende, a rock containing uranium, was more radioactive than it should be if it just contained uranium. She correctly predicted that at least one new radioactive element was present in the mixture, then succeeded in isolating polonium and radium from several tons of pitchblende.

Polonium is an alpha particle emitter. Alpha emitters can only cause radiation damage to humans if it enters the body, such as through inhalation or ingestion. However, polonium is also chemically toxic. Weight for weight, polonium is 5 million times more toxic than hydrogen cyanide.

2. The correct answer was Breathing

Coral snake bites account for less than one percent of snake bites in the United States and almost always occur only if the snake is being handled. In other words, the person who is bitten is usually the aggressor in the situation.

3. The correct answer was Nitrous Oxide

Nitrous Oxide has legitimate medicinal uses (as a sedative), but apparently some people on occasion sneak into surgeries and use it as a recreational drug. One wonders how they are not caught.

4. The correct answer was British 9.2

The British 9.2 inch gun was the largest land warfare gun ever used during a major war. During the Boer War, this gun was typically mounted onto railway wagons and train cars. Due to its immense size and the unique tactics of Boer commandos, however, this type of weaponry was almost useless.

During WWI and WWII, however, this weapon became a lot more effective as there were mass forces and siege warfare to defend against. As technology progressed and changes to the British 9.2 proved effective, it is estimated that over 450 of these large weapons were produced from 1914-1918. At its peak, the British 9.2 weighed close to 15 tons, fired 130 kg shell of explosives, and took engineers 36-48 hours to dismantle when not in use.

5. The correct answer was His lover, Marita Lorenz

Nineteen-year-old Marita Lorenz, daughter of a German mariner and an American spy, began her relationship with Castro on board a cruise ship captained by her father in 1959. Returning to the U.S. after seven months of pleasure in Havana, she was recruited by the CIA to make an attempt on his life. She made it into her lover's bedroom, beset by doubt, only to discover that the botulin capsules had melted into the cold cream. Castro then apparently announced that no one could kill him, handed her his own loaded gun, and watched as she lost her nerve. She visited Cuba again in 1981; he is said to have embraced her and called her "my little assassin".

6. The correct answer was Almonds

Cyanide has a distinct nutty odor. Interestingly enough, almost 40% of all people aren't able to make out this smell.

Cyanide is the generic name for the chemicals that have any triply-bonded carbon atom to a nitrogen atom. The compounds are often very soluble, and they are often colorless, making them a favorite murder weapon for many mystery thrillers. Cyanide is very toxic, and can quickly induce a coma with seizures, death following within a few minutes.

7. The correct answer was Martha

Mrs. Hudson is more than Sherlock Holmes' landlady and housekeeper. She takes a maternal interest in her celebrated tenant, fussing over his health, plying him with substantial meals, putting up with visitors arriving at all hours of the day and night, and above all that constant violin playing! Moreover, she displayed a most forgiving attitude when Holmes damages her premises (q.v. the bullet holes creating the patriotic V.R. on the wall, done by Holmes in what Watson referred to as "one of his queer humours" - not to mention the ruin of the mantelpiece because Holmes pinned letters to it with a jackknife, the nasty smells issuing from Holmes' scientific experiments, and the time that a gunshot fired through the window (at a wax bust of Holmes) and laid waste to the window, the window shade, and the bust before lodging in the wall opposite the window. To top it all off, Moriarty's men set fire to Holmes' rooms!). Mrs. Hudson's maternal instinct really shows itself, however, in the fact that, for the three years during which Holmes' is presumed dead after that contretemps with Moriarty at the Reichenbach Falls, she literally turns his rooms into a shrine, keeping everything as he left it (although, as Watson points out, "with an unwonted tidiness").

8. The correct answer was All of these

Coumarin is also present in, cherries, strawberries, apricots, sweet clover and tonka beans. It tastes a little like vanilla, and was once popular as a flavouring for everything from wines to sausages and pipe tobacco. It was banned by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration in 1940, except as an additive to some alcoholic beverages that have been flavoured with coumarin containing plants like Woodruff.

Because of its anticoagulant properties, coumarin has been synthetically reproduced as Warfarin, once commonly used as a rat poison. It can be toxic to humans if consumed in high doses for a prolonged period of time.

You make a mental note to ask the cook if Mr. Body suffered from insomnia, and was partial to drinking Woodruff tea to help him sleep.

9. The correct answer was No

This is one of the great urban legends of the sixties perhaps because the image was so widespread and even appeared on the cover of 'Life' in 1964. And who would doubt the truth of Bond's explanation (as played by Sean Connery) that exotic dancers with gold paint on them usually left a small square inch of bare skin at the base of their spine so they would not suffocate!? Snopes.com lists this one as one of the most persistent urban legends. The truth of the matter is that the toxic chemicals in the paint might eventually harm you enough to kill you, but that as long as you could breathe through your mouth or nose you wouldn't suffocate via your pores being covered with paint. You might overheat however. Eaton published her autobiography entitled, 'Golden Girl' in later years. It must be added that the entire publicity campaign featured another actress covered in gold named Margaret Nolan.

10. The correct answer was Zinc Phosphide

The digestive system acids of the rats react with the phosphide to create a phosphine gas. The garlic-like odor of the phosphide attracts many rodents, but makes whatever food you put it in repulsive smelling for other animals and birds, thus killing only what you intended to. The typical lethal amount used on rats is 0.75-2%.

--The Solution to the Murder of Mr. Body--
Roald Dahl wrote "Lamb to the Slaughter" in which a wife uses a frozen leg of lamb to kill her husband, then roasts the lamb and serves it to the police (her husband's colleagues), thereby neatly disposing of the murder weapon. It was Mr. Body's brother-in-law, Geoffrey, from Question 3!

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Who Said This?

"I believe that to have a friend,
a man must be one.

That all men are created equal
and that everyone has within himself
the power to make this a better world.

That God put the firewood there
but that every man
must gather and light it himself.

In being prepared
physically, mentally, and morally
to fight when necessary
for that which is right.

That a man should make the most
of what equipment he has.

That 'This government,
of the people, by the people
and for the people'
shall live always.

That men should live by
the rule of what is best
for the greatest number.

That sooner or later...
somewhere...somehow...
we must settle with the world
and make payment for what we have taken.

That all things change but truth,
and that truth alone, lives on forever.

In my Creator, my country, my fellow man."

Click here to find out who said this.

Sexual Exposure Chart - How many is "just one more?"

The first number is the Number of Sexual Partners.
If each of your partners has had only the same number of partners as you had at the time you had sex. The second number is the Number of People You Are Exposed to:





Explanation of Chart

For this calculation, we assume that each time you had a new partner, they had only had as many partners as you had. So when you had your first, we assume you were his first. You now have one person who has only had you as a partner. Add to that a second partner who is in the same situation as you--only having had one prior partner. Now you are exposed to your first, your second, plus your second's first. Then bring in a third who is in the same situation as you. You are now exposed to your prior partners plus your third's first partner, your third's second partner, and now your third's second partner's first partner. See how it works? A little sex goes a long way!

A LIFE THAT MATTERS

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.

All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.

So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived at the end.

It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built. What will matter is not what you got, but what you gave. What will matter is not your success, but your significance. What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example. What will matter is not your competence, but your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone. What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you. What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice. Choose to live a life that matters.

So Ya Wanna Be A Wino...

Click here to apply
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Jumper

A police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't click below.

It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real.

Click here.

My kind of angel!

My kind of angel!

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

The Frog and The Golfer

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,

Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked.

He says to the frog,


'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies,

'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. 'What do you think frog?'

'Ribbit 3 wood.'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.


The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.


By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit Las Vegas.

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?'


The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'


Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, 'What do you think I should Bet?'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel. He sits the frog down and says,
'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit KissMe.'

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.


With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

'And that,your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God, or my name is not Donald J. Trump.'

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...


-- ON LAWYER QUESTIONS THAT SOUND LIKE A COUNTRY SONG --
Attorney: So no one was at the yard?
Plaintiff: No, ma'am.
Attorney: So that there wasn't anybody there to talk to had there been someone there?


during a deposition, Corpus Christi, Texas



-- ON CHECK AGAIN, BILL! --
The last time I checked, the Constitution said, "of the people, by the people and for the people." That's what the Declaration of Independence says.

President Bill Clinton, criticizing antigovernment rhetoric (The quote actually comes from Lincoln's Gettysburg Address.)


-- ON SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, ALEXEI! --

There is nothing more unbearable for a person than liberty.

Belarus president Alexander Lukashenko

-- ON FAMOUS LAST WORDS, NEW AND IMPROVED --
Just remember the words of Patrick Henry: "Kill me or let me live."

college football coach Bill Peterson, in a halftime pep talk to his team

-- ON NEWSPAPER CORRECTIONS, VITAL --
SETTING IT STRAIGHT
A July 1 story about neighbourhood opposition to Collingwood school's planned expansion quoted resident Andy Lepiarczyk as saying council's failure to halt the project would make them "Scum, scum, scum." In fact, he said the project was a "Scam, scam, scam." We regret the error.

correction in the North Shore News (North Vancouver and West Vancouver, BC, Canada)

Tru Dat!

So hot!

The Midnight Stroll

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath.

"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Yodelling Origin

Hi Folks:

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Here's the real version....

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying good-bye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

yodeller
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!!"

Rural Calendar - Today is Caille-Lait!!

The Catholic Church used a calendar of saints, which named each day of the year after an associated saint. To reduce the influence of the Church, Fabre d'Eglantine introduced a Rural Calendar in which each day of the year had a unique name associated with the rural economy, stated to correspond to the time of year. Every décadi (ending in 0) was named after an agricultural tool. Each quintidi (ending in 5) was named for a common animal. The rest of the days were named for "grain, pasture, trees, roots, flowers, fruits" and other plants, except for the first month of winter, Nivôse, during which the rest of the days were named after minerals.

Autumn

Winter

Spring

Summer
Source: WIKIPEDIA