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Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Things We Learned From The Big Bang Theory

TBBT Group photo
Bernadette, Howard, Leonard, Penny, Sheldon, Amy and Raj
List by simpleplan, fanpop.com

The Doppler effect makes a really cool Halloween costume!

You can't learn Morse code at 3 AM.

Gravity is a heartless bitch

Once your mind is "pre-blown", it cannot be "re-blown

Pajamas were invented in India. You're welcome.

One would rather watch season 2 of Battlestar Gallactica with commentary than have a woman over for dinner.

Star Trek and Star Wars are two separate things. Seriously.

It doesn't matter if your children are non-existent, as long as they're smart and beautiful.

5318008 entered into a calculator spells “boobies” upside down.

Everyone Loves LOLcats.

Newton was one smart cookie.

What happens at Comic Con stays at Comic Con.

Sheldon is Batman.

It is alright to drink milk that taste funny.

One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can't tell dad.

Bazinga, I don't care.

Sheldon is not insane, his mother had him tested!

You have a sarcasm sign?

It must be humbling to suck on so many levels.

Cause of Injury: Lack of Adhesive Ducks.

Apparently you can't hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.

In difficult times like this I often turn to a force stronger than myself. Star Trek.

Stay out of Sheldons spot.

You can't make a half sandwich. If it's not half of a whole sandwich, it's just a small sandwich.

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Sheldon.

Howard knows a lot of doctors.

Its okay to want to fling your poop at someone.

Penny is some sort of Chinese food prostitute?

If it does not feel like a arm you should let go.

Oh, Voodoo is real. You don't want to mess with Voodoo.

The great thing about Ernie (Sesame Street Puppet) is that he didn't ask for anything, he just gave.

Its okay to throw iPodes out for fourth floor windows.

Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?
Penny: When a suitcase just won't do.

What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis?
Screwed.

Sheldon is one lab accident away from being a super villain.

Homo habilis discovering his opposable thumbs says what?

Do not let Sheldon drive.

Aquaman sucks.

The World’s Funniest Real Ads

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:
Big Dick's Halfway Inn
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

Just Stay

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.

"Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.

Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.

The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.

holding hands in hospital

He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients. Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.

Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.

Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.

"Who was that man?" he asked.

The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.

"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."

"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"

"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here.

When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."

I came here tonight to find a Mr. William Grey. His son was Killed in Iraq today, and I was sent to inform him. What was this Gentleman's Name?


The nurse with tears in her eyes answered, Mr. William Grey.............


The next time someone needs you ... just be there. Stay.

WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A
TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE.

WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

THIS IS WHAT WE ARE PUT ON THIS EARTH TO DO ANYWAY. RIGHT ?


HAVE A GREAT DAY AND BLESS SOMEONE ELSE IN SOME LITTLE WAY TODAY!
GOD IS SO GOOD.

Facts About Our Lives That Will Change You Completely

These 29 images will show you how stuff you take for granted can mean something totally different if you go deeper or think about them for a minute, like that outer space is only an hours drive away or that you have never seen your face, you only saw pictures or reflections of it. think about it , and enjoy thinking about all the other images below. Then follow the jump to stumbleupon for the rest...

cool facts

cool facts

cool facts

cool facts

20 things men do that women probably don't know about...

20 things men do that women probably don't know about...

Haha!

Jabba the Trump

Monday, August 20, 2018

Two Stories

Story NUMBER ONE
Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was his lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time. To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but also Eddie got special dividends. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block. Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him.

Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had the best of everything: clothes, cars and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong.

Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name and a good example. One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done. He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. So, he testified.

Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he would ever pay.

Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion and a poem clipped from a magazine.


The poem read:
The clock of life is wound but once
And no man has the power
To tell just when the hands will stop
At late or early hour.
Now is the only time you own.
Live, love, toil with a will.
Place no faith in time.
For the clock may soon be still.

STORY NUMBER TWO

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific. One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told him to return to the carrier.

Reluctantly he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet. As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold, a squadron of Japanese aircraft were speeding their way toward the American fleet.

The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet. Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent. Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier. Upon arrival he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had in fact destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor. A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.

So the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.


SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?


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Butch O'Hare was Easy Eddie's son.

Who is...Jeffery Straker. An amazing man. Talented, Gifted, Unpretentious, Friend.

The Wizard of 'OZ' values the friendship of Jeffery Straker. This guy is amazing! I've said it before, and I will keep on saying it, that he just can't write 'bad' songs... EVERY ONE shines with the light of his endearing smile and infectious laugh. Below are some of my favourite songs of his, which make up just a tiny fraction of the songs he's recorded.. He has 6 albums and a Christmas single.















Click below to visit his website. Buy an album. Tell him The Wizard sent ya!
Click above to visit his website - buy an album! You won't be disapointed!

What if...


If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer."
~ Robin Tyler

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.
~ Charles Pierce

Dear Abby," In response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood.

'You could move.' ~ Abigail Van Buren.

The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft, we can all declare we are homosexual instead of running off to Canada
~ Lorne Bloch

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"
~ Jon Stewart

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share.
~ Rita Mae Brown

Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons.
~ Letter to the Editor, the Advocate

You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.
~ Barry Goldwater

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?
~ Ernest Gaines

My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.
~ W.Somerset Maugham

Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
~ Author Unknown

If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic."
~ Shelly Roberts

My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it.
~ Amanda Bearse

It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain.....
~ Fran Maude

The only queer people are those who don't love anybody.....
~ Rita Mae Brown

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

Live A Life Within The Infinite Moment

Live A Life Within The Infinite Moment

Windows & Kids Don't Always Mix


(ARA) - Open a window and you open your world. Windows add so much to our lives; they bring in welcome light and fresh air and they help protect us from the elements. As the weather warms and windows are opened more often, follow these important tips to enhance home safety:

* There is no safety substitute for the importance of responsible adult supervision around children. Set and enforce rules about keeping children's play away from windows or patio doors to help prevent an accidental fall or injury.

* For greatest safety, keep your windows closed and locked when children are around. When opening windows for ventilation, open those that a child cannot reach. For example, on double-hung windows which feature two moveable sashes, open the top portion for ventilation and keep the bottom part closed for greater safety.

* Remember that insect screens are simply designed to provide ventilation and to keep insects out. Do not rely on them to keep a child in; they will not prevent a child's fall.

* Keep furniture such as beds and dressers -- or anything children can climb -- away from windows to help improve safety in your home. Furniture placed under a window can create an enticement to climb and the potential to fall. Furniture placed under a window could also slow your escape from a home in the event of an emergency, such as a fire.

* Windows provide a secondary means of escape from a burning home. For greater safety, determine your family's emergency escape plan and practice it regularly. Designate a door and a window as an escape route from each room in your home. Make sure each opens quickly and easily and keep the escape route free from clutter which could present a tripping or falling hazard. Remember that children may have to rely on a window to escape in a fire. Help them learn to safely use a window under these circumstances.

* When performing seasonal repairs or cleaning, make sure your windows and doors are not jammed, painted or nailed shut. You must be able to open them quickly to escape in an emergency. If they don't, it's time to consider replacement.

* Windows which tilt in for cleaning not only provide greater convenience, but greater safety, too. When choosing windows, look for those which can be cleaned from the interior simply by tilting the unit inward and you eliminate the need to climb an exterior ladder for window cleaning.

* If you have young children in your home and are considering adding window guards, or window fall prevention devices, install guards with a quick-release mechanism, so they can be opened for escape in an emergency. Consult your local fire department or building code official for more information on window guard options and proper placement.

* If you live in an area subject to hurricanes, consider impact-resistant glass for windows and patio doors to help provide year-round protection from winds, rain and flying debris. Impact-resistant glass which cannot be easily penetrated, helps protect your home year-round, eliminating the use of cumbersome shutters or other temporary unsightly options such as plywood over windows.

* If your home features impact-resistant windows or patio doors designed to withstand hurricane-force winds, train your family members to first attempt to open the window to exit through it in an emergency, rather than trying to break the glass. Impact-resistant glass cannot be easily penetrated, so it's important to acquaint family members with how to open units, or designate other exits if the unit is fixed in place and does not open.

For greater safety, look for blinds and shades with no cords

Window treatments can also contribute to childhood injuries presenting potential choking or strangulation hazards associated with traditional roomside cords. For greater safety, consider window treatments with no room-side cords. One option is Pella's Designer Series Collection of windows and patio doors, which feature blinds or shades protected between two panes of glass. The cordless operation of the collection, and protection of window treatments between glass, gives parents and pet owners an added peace of mind because it keeps children and pets safer in the home. Plus, since they're tucked between glass, the blinds and shades are virtually free from dust, making them cleaner and safer.

National Window Safety Week

To encourage safety awareness, Pella Corporation is proud to partner with the National Safety Council through its Window Safety Committee, to recognize National Window Safety Week, April 24 to 30, 2005. To contact a local Pella expert, call (888) 84-PELLA

©ARA 2005

Rock Hudson - The Original Man's Man!

At least according to The Wizard's Hottie Calculator... he can dress without worrying doubting his manliness...
Rock Hudson - The Original Man's Man!

Rock Hudson - The Original Man's Man!

Rock Hudson - The Original Man's Man!

Rock Hudson - The Original Man's Man!

Rock Hudson - The Original Man's Man!


Rock Hudson - The Original Man's Man!

Rock Hudson - The Original Man's Man!
Fedora? What? Where? Ya think I'm looking at that? CHA!

Sunday, August 19, 2018

A History Lesson...

The Wizard was watching 'Dances with Wolves' and got curious about the Sioux and The Lakota People. So I did some research and thought it should go in 'OZ'.. so here it is:

Lakota son

The ways of the Lakota have been passed down from generation to generation, long before the white man first stepped onto North American soil. An important part of Lakota culture focuses on the larger community of their people, as represented by the council fires. For this community of the Great Plains, the buffalo was not only key to Lakota survival, it also held great spiritual significance.

In the tradition of their ancestors, the Lakota family extends beyond the parents and their children: younger generations learn from their elders, who hold the wisdom of the tribe. The Lakota way places an emphasis on home, and spirituality plays a role in every action. Read more about the Lakota traditions that continue to this day among the families of the Pine Ridge Reservation.

The People


Michael Littleboy and son

The Lakota people belong to the larger group Oceti Sakowin (meaning "the seven places of fire"), called the Sioux by the white man after the Chippewa (Ojibwa) word for their enemies "nadouessioux," meaning "little snakes." Legend tells that long ago at a sacred lake, Sun (Wi), who appears as fire on earth, revealed the tribal organization to the Sioux people. Thus began the tradition of the seven council fires, the Lakota among them.


Lakota is one of the three similar languages spoken by the Sioux; the others are Dakota and Nakota. The Lakota are made up of seven bands: Oglala ("dust scatterers"), Sicanju (or Brulé, "burnt thighs"), Hunkpapa ("end of the circle"), Miniconjous ("planters beside the stream"), Sihasapa (or Blackfeet, different from the Blackfeet tribe), Itazipacola (or Sans Arc, "without bows") and Oohenupa ("two kettles").

The Buffalo

"We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, the winding streams with tangled growth, as 'wild.' ...To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery."
- Luther Standing Bear, chief of the Oglala Lakota, 1905-1939

Lakota people are also called Teton Sioux or Titunwan, meaning "who live on the prairie." The name recalls the migration of the tribe from the woods of Minnesota to the Black Hills of the great plains territories, where they learned to live with the buffalo. On the wide open lands Tatanka, the spirit in the form of the buffalo, provided for both body and soul. Hunters ate the fresh liver of the newly killed buffalo, and boiled, roasted and dried meat nourished the entire village. The Lakota used buffalo hide for clothing, tipis and shrouds for their prayer lodge. They made saddles, tools and weapons from the bones. They carried water in buffalo bladders and used buffalo droppings for incense and fuel. Every part of the animal served a purpose, down to the hooves, which were made into glue. The Lakota would not dishonor the Earth by wasting a single portion of Tatanka's precious gift.

Little Wound, wife and son studio portrait, 1899 (Denver Public Library, Western History Collection)

The Family

Lakota Symbol

"The old Lakota was wise. He knew that a man's heart away from Nature becomes hard; he knew that lack of respect for growing, living things soon lead to a lack of respect for humans too."
- Luther Standing Bear, chief of the Oglala Lakota, 1905-1939

Kinship is central to the Lakota way of life. Courage, fortitude, wisdom and generosity are among the most celebrated virtues. The Lakota learn these traits from their elders and prove them in their daily lives. Every act and judgment is considered in terms of its duty and benefit to the extended family, which often includes hundreds of people. The worst insult a Lakota can give is to say "you live as if you had no relatives."

The Home

"There was once a Lakota holy man, called Drinks Water, who dreamed what was to be....He dreamed that the four-leggeds were going back to the Earth, and that a strange race would weave a web all around the Lakotas. He said, 'You shall live in square gray houses, in a barren land....' Sometimes dreams are wiser than waking."
-Black Elk (1863-1950), holy man of the Oglala Lakota, written in 1932

(Denver Public Library, Western History Collection)

The tradition of the Lakota household dates back to an ancient legend. Wisdom (Ksa) created the first lodge, which had a circular floor. He placed the fire from Sun (Wi) in the center. The door faced east, giving honor to the rising sun. Traditional lodges still follow this plan. In individual tipis, the husband sleeps on the west side of his wife, who is in charge of the household. They keep their belongings by the wall near their respective sleeping places. Movement within the tipi should always be in the direction of the sun (clockwise). A good guest sits to the right of the door until invited to move further inside. Wood and water are stored on the left. Keeping things in good order is of vital importance.

Spirituality

"In an eagle there is all the wisdom of the world."
- Lame Deer, Miniconjou Lakota

Eagle image belongs to all Indigenous Peoples (compiled by Glenn Welker)

Lakota religion is polytheistic, that is, believing in many gods or spirits. Nature and cosmology play an important role: before the creation of the earth, the gods lived in a celestial realm and humans in a subterranean world without culture. On earth, spirits reside in every part of the natural world. Among the gods are Something That Moves (Takushkanshkan); Sun (Wi); Moon, who is married to Sun; and their daughter Falling Star (Wohpe). Other spirits include Spider (Inktomi), Old Man and Old Woman, and their daughter Face (Ite), who is married to Wind and has four sons, the Four Winds.

Reflecting the elements earth, fire, air and water and the seasons winter, spring, summer and fall, the number four is an essential symbol of Lakota spirituality. It also represents the directions north, south, east and west and the four races: red, black, white and yellow. Another important symbol is the circle, the foundation for the traditional house, the tipi. In the Lakota way, everything is circular in the journey of life and death. Time passes slowly in the full observation of life. Man and nature live in concert with one another, rather than in a struggle for domination.

From the legend of the White Buffalo Calf Woman came the tradition of the seven sacred rites and the smoking of the sacred pipe. The seven rites are the Keeping of the Soul, Sweat Lodge, Vision Quest, Sun Dance, Making Relatives, Puberty Ceremony and Throwing of the Ball. All but the latter have survived among contemporary Lakota people, despite being periodically outlawed by the U.S. government. When the White Buffalo Calf Woman appeared to the people, she told them that in a time of need, they should smoke from the pipe adorned with eagle feathers, and the smoke would carry their prayers upward to the gods.

Seven Sacred Rites of the Lakota Sioux

1. The Keeping of the Soul: Nagi Gluhapi Na Nagi Gluxkapi
In order to reconcile the death of a loved one, this ritual permits the resolution of things left undone, the healing of the Spirit and growth for the greater community. It allows the transition of the deceased into the Spirit World.

2. The Rite of Purification (Sweat Lodge): Inipi
In this ritual, the smoke from the pipe, the heat and steam from the fire in the sweat lodge, and ancient rituals release guilt, burdens and evil from the participant, bringing him closer to Wakan Tanka (the Great Spirit).

3. Crying for a Vision (Vision Quest): Hanblecheyapi
The Vision Quest gives the participant responsibility for setting and honoring limits. After a period of fasting, the participant focuses on prayer in order to hear "the voice of the Sacred."

4. The Sun Dance: Wiwanyag Wachipi
In a ceremony that involves abstaining from food and water and dancing for four days, participants endure suffering - formerly shedding their own blood - so that others will not suffer. The suffering can be symbolic, spiritual or, as in the past, very real.

5. The Making of Relatives: Hunkapi
Through prayer to Wakan Tanka (the Great Spirit), the exchange of sacramental food and smoking from the sacred pipe, an enduring bond of community is formed between people.

6. Preparing a Girl for Womanhood (Puberty Rite): Ishna Ta Awi Cha Lowan
This puberty ceremony purifies a girl who has her first menstrual perdiod, preparing her for womanhood and childbirth. In a tipi built by the girl's family, a holy man conducts the ritual with the proper sacred objects, including a buffalo skull painted red.

7. Throwing of the Ball: Tapa Wanka Yap
This former rite, performed only by women, used a ball filled with buffalo hair covered with a red-and-blue painted buffalo, which represented the material and spiritual aspects of the universe. In order to receive a great blessing, participants must choose to reach for the ball, while acknowledging that not everyone will catch it.

A Contemporary Rite Yuwipi
Used for healing, divining, and for finding lost persons or objects, this nighttime ceremony involves a holy man whose hands are tied behind his back and whose body is wrapped in a blanket and tied with ropes. The lights are extinguished while the holy man prays audibly and the spectators sit holding hands in a circle. When the lights are turned back on, the holy man is free from his bindings, released by the spirits

Wicked Witticisms

If dinosaurs had twitter
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.



Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'



Nearly Became a Doctor!!.......

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today.


The rest of us are sending jokes via email...




Pilot's Story
Once upon a time a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me"?

The princess said, "No"! And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew airplanes all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny, long-legged, big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Belgium beer and forty year old single malt scotch and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was unbelievably cool. And he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End



Now that I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $49.50 a month!

Go Seniors!



One day, Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

A while later when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate.

Since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So it was out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.

This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

NO, The duck didn't say THAT! ... Don't be SO crude!

The duck said.... 'I am a DRAKE, You made a MITHTAKE!!



An older woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $450 is the 'standard rate,' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the woman:

“This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.”

“But I didn't use them” she said. “Well, they are here, and you could have” explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.

“We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here” the manager said.

“But I didn't go to any of those shows” she said. “Well, we have them, and you could have” the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn't use it!” and the manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay; so she wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. “But madam, this cheque is for $50 only”.

“That's correct. I charged you $400 for sleeping with me” she replied.

“But I didn't!” exclaimed the very surprised manager. “Well, too bad. I was here and you could have”.

Don't mess with Seniors!



A TOUCHING STORY...

A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!!!"

One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!!!!!

…don't tell me you thought that Hameed became a doctor!?!



50 Shades of Golf

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you have been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night....Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a very sexy little nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose-petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So--- Here I am!

Coke... It's the real thing

Snorting Coke. You're doing it wrong!

Really? That easy? Wow!

square root stuff
The Wizard has a better question. Why would you want to do this?

What is the best first car for my teen for 100K USD?

The best first vehicle for a teenager for 100k might not be what you expect.

I have a feeling that you may be able to purchace a tank from a military surplus store. As long as the big guns are disabled, this will be the best choice for your child.

He will not be able to drive too fast, I believe the older tanks only have a top speed of 40 mph or something close to that. Tanks are notoriously stable and safe when hit by heavy objects. If your child is in an accident, he may have whiplash, but even that would not be too bad because the vehicle that hit him wont have enough momentum to seriously move the tank.

Tanks perform well in all environments and they are very safe in winter conditions as well as flash floods or even when they are the targets of drive by shootings. I believe that for the money, this is the safest vehicle you can get for your child. His friends will think its awesome and the only thing you may have to worry about is police chases and your child learning that the police cant stop him. This may be a bad idea for him to get in his head.

The tracks may need to be modified to make a tank street legal. This may cost a significant amount, but it will be worth your childs safety.

jump to Quora to read the other suggestions

Admiral, there be Whales here!

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Oh the places you'll go!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own,
And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one
Who’ll decide where to go.

― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

The Strangest Wal Mart Customer

Strange Wal*Mart customer
Dear Mrs. Denner,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away."

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store.

Regards, Wal-Mart

You KNOW this is a joke, right?

Their Sons

These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Dr, Joe

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:

"Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go. "

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Joe, you're a vet."
Dog and Vet

A few "Truisms"


Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand .

I'm in shape.
Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark,
professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and
for the same reason.

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.

There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say
the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing
at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.

Give a little....


Video that will change your life. I have no words left.