Adapted from Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon
: Not-So-Straight Answers from America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Columnist
By Michael Alvear
No matter how open you are with your boyfriend, there are some things even the gutsiest gals are too shy to ask. Get the answers to all the questions you always wanted to ask your man, and a few answers to questions you never even thought of!
1. Only 6 percent of the male population needs extra-large rubbers, according to condom manufacturers. In other words, 94 percent of men lie.
2. The study most trusted by urologists shows that the average erect penis size is 5.1 inches long and 4.8 inches in girth. Unless you're in a chat room. Then double it.
3. About 80 percent of American men are circumcised, even though the American Academy of Pediatrics says it's not medically necessary. No word on why men insist on cutting something they're always exaggerating about.
4. Men really do get "blue-balls." Technically called "prostatic congestion," the achiness in the testicles is caused by "trapped" blood. You know that crap he lays on you about orgasms being the only way to relieve it? He's right. But not so fast, trampolina. So is your doctor -- the one who says a warm shower or aspirin will also do the trick.
5. Penises are generally darker in color than the bodies they hang from. Why? It's part of the sexual maturation process, but it's also because during puberty nature introduces men to a special friend: their right hand. As Mr. Nice to Meet You Too, You Can Let Go Now will tell anybody who'll listen, your skin would darken too if you were manhandled that often.
6. There is no correlation between penis size and shoe size, hand size or nose size. And the bad news is even worse for gold-digging nymphos: There's no correlation between penis size and wallet size.
7. Masturbation, or "punching the monkey," is healthy. No, really. "Use it or lose it" isn't just an excuse for a guy's hands to migrate south; it's the official tested and studied conclusion of sex experts. The less a guy uses his sexual plumbing, the more problems he'll have pumping the well later on. It's only at Thanksgiving that you should tell your man, "Don't play with your meat."
8. Men will go limp if they drink too much. But how much is too much? About three and a half drinks for a 150-pound man. After that, the only thing standing upright in your house will be the vacuum cleaner.
9. All men have a line going down their penis and over their testicles. And no, it's not the chow line. It's more a "seam" on the underside of the penis. It forms when the fetus is in the uterus. In women, the seam becomes the inner lips of the vagina. In men, the seam encloses the urethra along the length of the penis.
10. Nothing can make a penis bigger -- except aging. Unfortunately, the size of the prize stops growing by the time men hit their early 20s.
Michael Alvear is a contributing writer for iVillage. Follow him on Google +.
BONUS - Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Semen But Were Afraid to Ask - By Dr. Neil Cannon, Certified Sex Therapist
They say that if a man lives long enough he will ultimately die from prostate cancer. On a similar note, in my world, if a workshop goes on long enough somebody will inevitably ask about semen. Well here it is folks, your comprehensive guide to semen in 500 words or less.
First off, semen is not to be confused with seamen. Although many seamen are men, and most men have semen, and most semen contains 1% sperm, not all seamen can swim.
On the other hand, living sperm within semen can swim and generally do so at a nautical speed of 7 inches per hour. Switching to air travel for semen, no seamen can fly but most semen can.
In fact, semen blast off during the initial ejaculatory launch at a speed of nearly 30 MPH and can fly up to 3 feet in the air. This is exactly why the U.S. Naval Command encourages their young seamen to wear safety goggles during masturbation. Semen presents dangers to even the most experienced seamen.
As for the taste of semen, all men try to convince their partner that semen tastes like honey. The fact is, however, that most men have never drunk a full serving of semen so they don’t really know what semen tastes like.
In my experience as a couples counselor, I have noticed, however, that the taste of semen is often impacted by the state of the relationship. Imagine that!
The taste of semen can also be affected by a change in diet. Things that tend to make semen taste “yucky” are alcohol, meat, garlic and onions.
Although smoking after sex used to be culturally sheikh, cigarettes are toxic and will pollute the taste of semen, thereby giving women yet one more reason for men not to smoke. Not to digress, but smoking will also make your penis shrink. Getting back to the taste of semen, medications can also impact the taste of semen. How wrong would it be if Viagra made your semen taste like squid guts? (It doesn’t).
We can’t have a serious discussion about the taste of semen unless we address caloric
intake. New FDA guidelines require a nutritional label to be prominently displayed on the side of each erect penis. Upon examination, you will find said nutritional label indicates that the average serving size of semen is 1 tablespoon and contains less than 20 calories, a high proportion of which is protein. There is no trans fat and very little sugar. While doing research for this article, I found that Weight Watchers does not indicate the number of points for a single serving of semen.
If you really want to make your semen taste like honey, here are some tips. Drink lots of water and increase your intake of fruits, particularly melons, pineapple, cranberry, apples and grapes. Most vegetables are also encouraged except asparagus, cabbage, broccoli and cauliflower. In conclusion, as you can see men, there is much to consider when it comes to semen.
About the Author
Dr. Cannon is a certified sex therapist and couples counselor who holds a master’s degree in public health, as well as a doctorate in Human Sexuality. In addition to leading his practice in Denver, Colo., he teaches sexual diversity, attitudes and behavior at the post graduate level; serves as an expert witness; provides diversity training to corporations and is the co-host of The Sex & Intimacy Show – a weekly radio show in Denver. You can view his website at www.doctorcannon.com
or reach him directly at firstname.lastname@example.org.