Sunday, December 21, 2014

When Autos Were Art...


























Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners


Haeeya!


A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."


HYUK!

You Know you are addicted to the internet when...

· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.

· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

· All of your friends have an @ in their names.

· Your dog has its own home page.

· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.

· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher."

· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.

· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

HYUK!


A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.

He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”

The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!”

“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”


HYUK!


EVER WONDER
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


HYUK!


Did you hear about the elephant who was always left out of things and thus felt irrelephant?

HYUK!

Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil.

HYUK!


A couple of terrorists were making letter bombs. After they had finished, one said: “Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope? “I don’t know,” said the other. “Open it and see.” “But it will explode.” “Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you!

HYUK!

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Canada, they decided to send it to Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

The Prime Minister was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.

Prime Minister Harper thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Ottaw ON, and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Thanks,

Billy


HYUK!


"Tongue in cheek!"

MAN:

1) Pull up to machine

2) Wind window down

3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN

4) Retrieve cash

5) Drive away

WOMAN:

1) Pull up to machine

2) Open door (too far away from machine)

3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card

4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair

5) Insert Card

6) Remove card

7) Insert card the correct way up

8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it

9) Enter PIN

10) Enter correct PIN

11) Retrieve cash, put in bag

12) Drive off

13) Reverse back to machine

14) Retrieve card

15) Drive three miles away

16) Release hand-brake

HYUK!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

HYUK!

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.

You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!

Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?

I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


HYUK!

A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied: “a can of peaches.” The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”



HYUK!

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. That's a hardware issue.


clapping

The Office Christmas Party

Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party

A Blessed Yule

Yule Log - Happy Re-Birth!


I hear the wind howling
The ice has entered my soul
The cold seems endless
The darkness black as coal.


Yet a spark of something
Shines bright through the night
Could it be the dawning
Of approaching light?


For it’s always coldest
In the hours before dawn
Darkness is its deepest,
Facing fears we’ve drawn


How can loneliness dwell
With loved ones nearby?
Why the tiny doubts
Filling me with their cries?


So I turn my face away
Forget the winter’s chill
Celebrate Sun’s return
As my spirit thrills.

by Elspeth Sapphire


May the Blessings of the ONE be with you at this special time of year. The Wizard is going to confer, converse, and otherwise hob-nob with my brother wizards...

Posting will be irregular for the next while...Keep checking daily .. if there are no new posts that day, check the archives. I bet there is a lot that you haven't read yet.... Thanks again to my loyal readers who are part in parcel in keeping me posting to "The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow" You know who you are!

Take care,

--The Wizard

Yule Log Recipe


Yule Log 2/3 cup all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
5 eggs
3/4 cup white sugar
2 (1oz) squares unsweetened chocolate
2 tablespoons water
2 tablespoons coffee-flavored liqueur
2 tablespoons white sugar
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
confectioner's sugar for dusting

4 (10z) squares semisweet baking chocolate
1 (8oz) package cream cheese, softened
3 cups confectioners sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 tablespoon coffee flavored liqueur

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Lightly spray a 10 x 15 inch jellyroll pan and line with parchment paper. Sift flour with baking powder and salt and set aside.

2. In a large mixing bowl, beat the eggs on high for several minutes until they are very pale and fluffy. Gradually add in the sugar, beating 1 to 2 minutes more or until very thick. Gently, but thoroughly, fold in the flour mixture.

3. Melt the chocolate in a small saucepan over low heat. In a small bowl, combine the 2 tablespoons of water with the 2 tablespoons coffee liqueur and the remaining 2 tablespoons sugar and the baking soda, then gradually stir into the melted chocolate until smooth. Quickly, but thoroughly, fold chocolate mixture into batter.

4. Pour batter into prepared 10x15 inch pan. Bake at 350 for 18 to 20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the cake comes out clean. Lightly sift an even layer of confectioners sugar over a cloth napkin or tea towel (do not use Terry Cloth). Flip the cake out of its pan onto the prepared cloth as soon as it comes from the oven. Carefully peel away parchment paper. Lightly dust top of cake with confectioner's sugar, then trim away crispy edges. Starting with one of the short sides of the cake, immediately roll the cake up in the cloth, jellyroll style, and cool thoroughly on a rack.

5. For the filling and frosting: in a small saucepan over low heat, melt the chocolate. Remove from heat and let cool to lukewarm. In a medium bowl, beat the cream cheese with the confectioners sugar until smooth, and then blend in the vanilla extract and coffee liqueur. Blend in the melted chocolate. Unroll the cake and spread about 1/3 of the filling evenly over the surface. Roll the cake back up.

6. Arrange cake roll on serving tray, then first generously, swiping with an icing spatula to form the long 'bark line' design. Swipe ends of cake in a circular motion to simulate the tree-rings of a cut log.

Decorate log as desired with holly leaves and berries, mushrooms and snow.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

A Christmas Story

When I was a little boy, my family did not have a lot of money. My father had a reasonably well paying job, but with four kids and a dog, money was often tight. This is not to say that we were deprived or unhappy. Our family did many activities together, but our favorite was camping, which we did year-round, blazing heat or freezing cold.

It was a great sight to see the whole clan scrambling to get everything together for a weekend trip. The whole family then piled into our Chevy station wagon with a dog bigger than the three smallest children put together. Dad would then tie down our trusty tent to the top of the Chevy and off we would go.

Our tent was amazing in and of itself. It was a army surplus tent large enough for the whole family plus dog. It had survived though rain storms, snow storms, wind storms. It had twice been uprooted from its stakes in high winds. (Makes me wonder why we went camping in so much terrible weather.)

It had blown off the Chevy a couple of times, but it had always survived. At least it survived with mother's help at the sewing machine. It had patches over patches but it was still our faithful camping tent.

But alas, canvas can only last so long, so after about ten years of steady service, my Dad admitted one summer that our tent was no longer usable. We didn't go camping at all the following fall. The only thing that kept us kids controllable was that Dad promised we would get a new tent at Christmas, and we could go camping all winter.

So Mom and Dad went on a savings program to get the money for our new tent. They even got us kids to pitch in a little. Money was tight, but the savings accumulated, and we all had visions of a great winter outdoors.

That is, until disaster struck in late November, and my little bother Johnny broke his arm. Dad hadn't counted on an emergency, and the hospital and doctor bills completely depleted our tent saving. We were all downcast at the prospect of no winter camping. Even I was almost sorry I pushed Johnny off the roof.

So as Christmas approached, we were all pretty glum. There weren't as many presents around the tree as usual, because the extra money had gone into my bother's arm.

Finally, Christmas Eve was here, and our month long depression was lifted a little, because we could open our presents. Dad had to work, but he was late, and hadn't called. Mother began to worry, and just before she called the police, Dad drove up.

We couldn't believe our eyes! There on top of the Chevy was a brand new shiny tent, even larger than Old Faithful.

Instantly, five voices started asking Dad question after question, so he ushered us all into the living room, around the Christmas tree to tell us what happened.

It seems that Dad had seen an advertisement for a store called SURPLUS CITY (all caps required). Last week he had gone by to see if they had any tents that we could afford. There was one perfect tent (the only one actually) for $60. So Dad worked a little overtime and scrimped a little on his Christmas gifts and he scraped together about $45.

That night he had gone to SURPLUS CITY with his $45 and tried to get a bargain on the tent. He had managed to chisel the manger down to $50 for the tent, but from there the manager wouldn't budge. There was no credit or lay-away at SURPLUS CITY, either, just cold hard cash.

So Dad went back out to the car, and thought about how hard it would be to come home empty handed. In a flash of inspiration, he got the spare tire from the car and went back in. He asked the manager if he would take the spare tire for $5 so he could buy the tent.

With that act of desperation, the manager’s heart softened. What with it being Christmas and all, and my father being so intent on getting the tent, and stopping in several times over the past week, he let Dad have the tent for $40.

When Dad finished telling this story, we all cheered and hollered and generally made fools of ourselves.


That was the happiest Christmas I’ve ever had. And that was the best season of camping we ever had too, in the winter of our discount tent.


Longest pun I've ever seen

Happy Christmas (War is Over)

Children
So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The war is so long
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones



Let's stop all the fight
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
Hands around the world

Christmas Tongue Twisters


Christmas Tonguue TwistersSeven Santas sang silly songs.

Tiny Timmy trims the tall tree with tinsel.

Santa's sleigh slides on slick snow.

Bobby brings bright bells.

How many deer would a reindeer reign if a reindeer could reign deer?

Running reindeer romp 'round red wreaths.

Kris Kringle chose to climb the chimney at Christmas.

Chilly chipper children cheerfully chant.

Two trains travel together to Toyland.

Eleven elves licked eleven little licorice lollipops.

Santa's sack sags slightly.

Ten tiny tin trains toot ten times.

Santa stuffs Stephie's striped stocking.

There's chimney soot on Santa's suit.

Comet cuddles cute Christmas kittens carefully.

Kris Kringle clapped crisply.

Santa sang seven songs.

Santas Sleigh Glides In The Sky.

Eight elves elegantly ate everything.

Santa Clause's cloak closes tightly..

Sammy saw Santa on the snow slide.

Paul's presents present perticular problems placed parallel to pink ponsetias.

Hollie hangs holly here hopping happy holidays hurry.

Tree trimmers try to trim trees while Tracy tastes treats.

Wrapping warped wreaths risks ruining weather wilted wood.

Youthful yeoman yodel yule yarns while yatching.

Santa seems seriously sick since Sally served sour salmon soup.

Sitting there Slightly Stuffed Santa Sleeps Silently.

Silly smelly sam snowman slips & slides like soap down slopes .

Santa's seven sleighs slid sideways

Rudolph runs rings 'round Rover

Silly smelly snowman slips and slides

Eleven elaborate elves hid Ellie elephant

Santa sat slowly on a soft chair with his sack on his back.

Silly snowmen slide with slick scarfs down the slow slope.

Rudolph roars with red anger and a red as rose nose.

Winter whacks whistley wind.

Snowballs simply slowly hit the slick ground unless they hit you sorrowfully.

"The Twelve Days of Christmas"

"The Twelve Days of Christmas" is an English Christmas song which details the ever accumulating list of presents some unfortunate being's true love kept bringing to her on each of the twelve days leading up to Christmas Day itself. Hopefully she either (1) owned a farm, or (2) a large hotel or (3) had a hearing impairment. Its lyrics follow, but I almost ran out of room at the inn fitting them in.
"The Twelve Days of Christmas"

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me a partridge in a pear tree (so far so good).

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (oh how nice).

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (the trees should look lovely in the front yard).

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (I'll have to build an aviary).

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (I'll have to sell one of the rings to buy the wood for the bird cage).

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (looks like goose is on the Christmas menu).

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (the swans are lovely but those geese are SO noisy).

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (why on earth did he give me eight dairy maids. I haven't even got a cow!).

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (Nine - NINE extra mouths to feed! They can jolly well help feed those rotten noisy birds!).

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me ten Lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (I hate that man. Where am I supposed to put those hyper-active idiots?)

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me eleven pipers piping, ten Lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (the police are on the doorstep waving noise complaints at me, sob, those idiotic Lords kept bounding around them, the moronic women have danced all through my vegetable patch, sob, the dairy maids have gone on strike, and I HATE those birds who poo on everything in sight!)

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten Lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (that's it. We're through).

Friday, December 19, 2014

I went to a party



I went to a party,
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom
So I had a sprite instead.


I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
That I didn't drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should.



I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended,
And the kids drove out of sight.



I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming,
Mom Something I expected least.



Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.



My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
This girl is going to die.


I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.


So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.


Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven,
Put "Mommy 's Girl" on my grave.
Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had, I'd still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom


I'm getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
And I'm so unprepared.


I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, "I love you, Mom!"


So I love you and good-bye.



Click here to go to the MADD Homepage

Click above to go to the MADD homepage


Please don't Drink and Drive...

GUESS THE CHRISTMAS SONG (see answers below):



1. Bleached Yule

2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration

3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors

4. Righteous Darkness

5. Arrival Time: 2400 hrs -- Weather: Cloudless

6. Loyal Followers Advance

7. Far Off in a Feeder

8. Array the Corridor

9. Bantam Male Percussionist

10. Monarchial Triad

11. Nocturnal Noiselessness

12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers

13. Red Man En Route to Borough

14. Frozen Precipitation Commence

15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle

16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis

17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant

18. Delight for this Planet

19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings

20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals








FROSTY






Answers:



1. White Christmas

2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire

3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

4. O Holy Night

5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

6. O Come, All Ye Faithful

7. Away in a Manger

8. Deck the Hall

9. Little Drummer Boy

10. We Three Kings

11. Silent Night

12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen

13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town

14. Let it Snow

15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain

16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer

17. What Child is This?

18. Joy to the World

19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

20. The Twelve Days of Christmas