That's No Bull!

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, partner."

"Oh yeah, what happened?"

"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"

"So, how'd you get away?"

"Well the bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."

"Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I would probably have shit all over the place."

"I DID! What do you think the bull was slipping on?"

Share and W-I-N!!

 

Yes, that's right... The Wizard of 'OZ' is having a 

"SHARE and WIN" contest! 

 

All you have to do is share a POST from 'OZ' that you like (any post, any date!) Take a screenshot of where you shared the post, such as facebook, Instagram, Twitter and more, as long as it it is by social media* and not just emailed to a person. Then email the screenshot to The_Wizard@othersideoz.ca - please put "$25 Gift Card Contest" in the subject. 

A random draw will be made for one $25.00 (twenty-five dollar) Gift Card of your choice (provided the gift card is available for purchase in Canada). Contest open to anyone 16 years old or older and a resident of Canada or The USA at the time of the random draw. 

 

The final winner will be declared on July 1st 2022 at 9PM (CST). The random drawing will be made by The Wizard of 'OZ' and the contest will be deemed to be over by 9PM (CST) on July 1st. 

 

Contest runs from April 1st to July 1st 2022. Winner will be notified by the same email as the entry was submitted with.

No purchase necessary.

*The fine print: Prize is in CDN dollars. The draw will be made July 1, 2022 by The Wizard of 'OZ', from all entries received up to and including July 1, 2022 at 9PM CST. There will be only one (1) winner chosen out of all entries received by the closing date and time. 1 gift card is available. The Wizard of 'OZ's decision will be final. Social media includes facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Blogger (or other web log page), Linked in. Contest available only in Canada and The United States of America. Odds of winning is dependent upon the number of entries received. Winner's name will be published on 'OZ' (last name can be withheld by request). In the event that no one enters the contest, The Wizard reserves the right to extend the contest to a point in the future that The Wizard decides.  Contest void where prohibited by law. The Wizard of 'OZ' and the blog 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow make no money from this contest nor from the blog as a whole. The purpose of this contest is to increase visitors to my blog. Again, I make no money from the blog and 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow is 100% Paid ad free.

X-Rated Coke ad

 

 

Back at the rodeo

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.  They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen that had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and it is hoped that he will eventually make a full recovery... 

The world as a village of hundred people

In the world today, more than 6 billion people live. If this world were shrunk to the size of a village of 100 people, what would it look like?

59 would be Asian, 14 would be American (North, Central and South),14 would be African ,12 would be European, 1 would be from the South Pacific

50 would be women, 50 would be men, 30 would be children, 70 would be adults.70 would be nonwhite, 30 would be white, 90 would be heterosexual, 10 would be homosexual

33 would be Christians, 21 would be Muslims, 15 would be Hindus, 6 would be Buddhists, 5 would be Animists, 6 would believe in other religions, 14 would be without any religion or atheist.

15 would speak Chinese, Mandarin, 7 English, 6 Hindi, 6 Spanish, 5 Russian, 4 Arabic, 3 Bengali, 3 Portuguese. The other would speak Indonesian, Japanese, German, French, or some other language.

In such a village with so many sorts of folks, it would be very important to learn to understand people different from yourself and to accept others as they are. Of the 100 people in this village:

20 are underonurished, 1 is dying of starvation, while 15 are overweight. Of the wealth in this village, 6 people own 59% (all of them from the United States), 74 people own 39%, and 20 people share the remaining 2%. Of the energy of this village, 20 people consume 80%, and 80 people share the remaining 20%. 20 have no clean, safe water to drink. 56 have access to sanitation, 15 adults are illiterate, 1 has an university degree, 7 have computers.

In one year, 1 person in the village will die, but in the same year, 2 babies will be born, so that at the year's end the number of villagers will be 101.

If you do not live in fear of death by bombardment, armed attack, landmines, or of rape or kidnapping by armed groups, then you are more fortunate than 20, who do.

If you can speak and act according to your faith and your conscience without harassment, imprisonment, torture or death, then you are more fortunate than 48, who can not.

If you have money in the bank, money in your wallet and spare change somewhere around the house, then you are among the richest 8.

If you can read this message, that means you are probably lucky!

(The statistics were derived from Donella Meadows "State of the Village Report" first published in 1990)

Twisted minds?

If you are not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he is the famous erudite scientist and  comedian who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates!" His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his gems:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34- I went to the sporting-goods store for a camouflage suit, but I couldn't find one.

....and the all time favorite-

35- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

OUTLIVE Homophobia

 

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for OUT Saskatoon's Website

ATTORNEY'S ADVICE-----NO CHARGE

UPDATE: The contact numbers have been updated to include Canadian contacts. -- Thanks, Bill!

A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company.

1. The next time you order checks have only your initials (instead of first name) and last name put on them. If someone takes your checkbook, they will not know if you sign your checks with just your initials or your first name, but your bank will know how you sign your checks.

2. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put "PHOTO ID REQUIRED."

3. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the "For" line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check-processing channels will not have access to it.

4. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box, use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks, (DUH!). You can add it if it is necessary. However, if you have it printed, anyone can get it.

5. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. Also carry a photocopy of your passport when traveling either here or abroad. We have all heard horror stories about fraud that is committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards.

6. When you check out of a hotel that uses cards for keys (and they all seem to do that now), do not turn the "keys" in. Take them with you and destroy them. Those little cards have on them all of the information you gave the hotel, including address and credit card numbers and expiration dates. Someone with a card reader, or employee of the hotel, can access all that information with no problem whatsoever. Unfortunately, as an attorney, I have first hand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieves ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer and received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online. Here is some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:


1. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. The key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them.

2. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit cards, etc., were stolen. This proves to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one). However, here is what is perhaps most important of all (I never even thought to do this.)

3. Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases,none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks. Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet and contents being stolen:


1.) Equifax: 1-800-525-6285/ Canada: 1-800-465-7166

2.) Experian: 1-888-397-3742 Canada: 1-800-663-9980 (E) or 1-877-713-3393 (F)

3.) TransUnion: 1-800-680-7289/ Canada: 1-866-525-0262(E) or 1-877-713-3393 (F)

4.) Social Security Administration (fraud line): 1-800-269-0271

SIN Canada: 1-800-206-7218 (E) or 1-800-808-6352 (F) and select option “3”.


We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything. Nevertheless, if you are willing to pass this information along, it could really help someone about who you care.

From The Emerald City

 

My Dear 'OZ'ians,

I have a question about the formatting of my posts. I use "fully justified" text which means that both the left and right side of each line is perfectly lined up. I have been told that Left aligned is better for the web. See below for examples:

 

Fully justified: This is an example of fully justified text. As you can see the text is lined up on the left and right hand sides of the page. Sometimes when justified text is used there may be rivers of white (black in the case of 'OZ'. Sometimes, that me and the s[paces between the words is not always the same and changes depending upon the number of words that can fit on the line. This is an example of fully justified text. As you can see the text is lined up on the left and right hand sides of the page. Sometimes when justified text is used there may be rivers of white (black in the case of 'OZ'. Sometimes, that me and the s[paces between the words is not always the same and changes depending upon the number of words that can fit on the line.This is an example of fully justified text. As you can see the text is lined up on the left and right hand sides of the page. Sometimes when justified text is used there may be rivers of white (black in the case of 'OZ'. Sometimes, that me and the s[paces between the words is not always the same and changes depending upon the number of words that can fit on the line.

This is an example of fully justified text. As you can see the text is lined up on the left and right hand sides of the page. Sometimes when justified text is used there may be rivers of white (black in the case of 'OZ'. Sometimes, that me and the s[paces between the words is not always the same and changes depending upon the number of words that can fit on the line. This is an example of fully justified text.

 

Left aligned: This is an example of left aligned text. As you can see the right side of the text is irregular and just the left hand side is justified. This means the space between the words is even but it doesn't stretch the text out to fill the line the way Justified does. This way is apparently easier to read. I personally prefer fully justified.This is an example of left aligned text. As you can see the right side of the text is irregular and just the left hand side is justified. This means the space between the words is even but it doesn't stretch the text out to fill the line the way Justified does. This way is apparently easier to read. I personally prefer fully justified.This is an example of left aligned text. As you can see the right side of the text is irregular and just the left hand side is justified. This means the space between the words is even but it doesn't stretch the text out to fill the line the way Justified does. This way is apparently easier to read. I personally prefer fully justified.

This is an example of left aligned text. As you can see the right side of the text is irregular and just the left hand side is justified. This means the space between the words is even but it doesn't stretch the text out to fill the line the way Justified does. This way is apparently easier to read. I personally prefer fully justified.

Which do you prefer? Which is easier/harder to read? Apparently The Wizard is in the minority here.

 

The Wizard 

Send your questions to The Wizard of 'OZ' by clicking here.

Blood and Ice Cream

By Gail Fulkerson

Frank liked nothing more than biting the ends off of ice cream cones so he could watch the little ones get covered in melted ice cream as it dripped and ran from the bottom of the cone. He’d snicker as the kid he was watching got stickier; more than once he laughed out loud, a dead giveaway, because daemon laughter is grating and discordant to human ears.

Then he’d have to run away and hide so he wouldn’t be caught. With summer winding down and ice cream sales flagging, Frank had to find another way to amuse himself. He scoured the city looking for anything that would grab his attention for more than a few seconds. After his exhaustive search, he found what he was looking for, a slaughterhouse just outside the city limits. Frank looked the place over and decided this would be his haunt for the foreseeable future. It had everything he insisted upon: seclusion, few employees, and copious amounts of blood and guts. He settled in and waited for the place to open for business the next morning.

Oh, it was glorious, a daemon’s dream come true. Plenty of dark recesses where he could lurk unnoticed as he watched animal after animal meet their death at the hands of a butcher wielding a machete, which he used to slit the animals’ throats. Blood poured and pooled on the floor. Frank even observed their souls leaving their bodies, mostly before the killing blade slashed open their throats.

Every once in a while, Frank would lick blood off the killing floor. It tasted like honey that evil bees had collected from vats of acid, with a soupçon of cement and bleach, but since he was trying to slim down, he limited the number of times a week he did that to three. A daemon had to watch its figure, because overweight daemons were good for one thing only; using their heft to smother a person as they slept. Frank had been enjoying his newfound home for some months before he began noticing the telltale signs that another daemon had found his gem of a residence and was attempting to put down roots. Had this interloper not known that a daemon already lived here? Frank’s scent and his daily urination around the building marked this place as Frank The Daemon’s digs; what the actual f**k was this upstart daemon playing at? Frank didn’t have long to wait to get his answer.

It was a Sunday, and the slaughterhouse was closed. Frank heard a scraping and rustling noise in a far corner of the building and went to investigate. Wedged behind a wooden crate and the wall, a slight, emaciated daemon looked back at Frank, imploring him to have mercy.Frank let his good arm drop. He was going to slash the bejesus out of this kid, until he heard him pleading for his life. Not one to shy away from a daemon in need, Frank told the kid he could stay, then took him on a tour of the abattoir to familiarize himself with his surroundings. There was something familiar about this daemon that Frank wasn’t able to put his finger on, but something the kid said and how he said it, put Frank in mind of his best friend, Larry.

“Larry, is that you?” Frank asked, incredulous.

“Yep, it’s me, Frank! How the hell have you been?” Larry replied, as he wrapped his arms

around him and hugged him until some of Frank’s ribs cracked.

“I see your arm has grown back. How does it feel?” Larry asked.

“I’ve been exercising it since it grew back last year. It feels like I never lost my arm at all,” stated Frank. “Anyways, how ‘bout we go back down to the killing floor and have ourselves a pint or two of blood and some guts? I’m starving, and I’m sure you are too, Larry.”

The two of them raced each other down a steep flight of stairs to the floor. Larry won, partly because he was skinnier than Frank, but mostly by flinging himself off the top landing, cracking his head on the cement floor.

“Dammit! I hate when that happens. Now I’ll have another injury to heal from,” Larry lamented. “I just healed a skull fracture last week.”

The two friends ate and drank and reminisced, until they were sated, then ate and drank some more. No daemon has ever stopped eating and drinking until they vomit, the sign of a great and horrifying dining experience.

Wiping a smear of bloodied liver off his bottom lip, Frank said he still felt a bit peckish, so he suggested the two of them head downtown for an ice cream cone. Larry agreed, so off they went.

“Isn’t ice cream the best dessert to end a fantastic meal, Larry?” Frank asked his best pal.

“Make sure you get a cone without the bottom bitten off,” he cautioned his best friend.

“Sure thing,” intoned Larry. To the ice cream vendor, he asked for chocolate ice cream, with a sprinkle of kidney stones on top.

A Man's Life In 3 Pictures

 

Thought For The Day

"He came into my restaurant asking me for some money. I looked at him and asked him why don’t you have a job? You are strong & healthy from what it appears. And nothing was ever given to me for free.. right?

The man responded, “ I have a lot of felonies, and nobody wants to hire me because of that. I had to turn to the streets. I had to start stealing and robbing, in order to survive”

I was short staffed that day, so I asked him.. “do you want to work”?

His eyes opened up so wide and a big smile came across his face, and he said yes!! He said I will do anything for some food.

So for two weeks now, he has been on time for his two hour shift. He helps me with taking out the trash and doing dishes. I pay him at the end of each shift, and you know what he decides to do? Is to spend it in the restaurant on some nice warm food.

I try to offer it to him for free, but he refuses.. so I discount it all. He told me today that he enjoys to being able to finally pay for something, that it makes him feel good inside.

The moral of this story, is to do something nice for someone no matter what their situation is. Even if they are asking you for some spare change, because we really don’t know their story, or what they are going through. And everybody deserves a second chance. "❤️‍

R.I.P. Brad Johnson (1959 - 2022)

Brad Johnson, an actor who appeared in Steven Spielberg's "Always" and Fox series "Melrose Place," died of Covid-19 complications February 18, 2022, his talent agent said.

He was 62.

Quote of the day...

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?

--Ernest Gaines

THE RUNNER

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ it's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining."

Should your WiFi be switched off at night? Is there any risk in keeping it on?

It’s recommended to turn off WiFi at night.

Not only does it contribute to the longevity of your router, but it’s also good for your health. As you probably know, WiFi transmits low-intensity radiation. Reducing the daily amount of exposure to this type of radiation is good for your health.

According to an article from RF Radiation Health Risks, some scientific reports claim that long-term exposure to WiFi radiation can cause cancer, DNA damage, and male infertility.

Some people claim that with the WiFi off at night they sleep more peacefully, although, in my opinion, it’s possible that this is a placebo effect.

It’s also good from a fire safety standpoint. It is recommended to disconnect electronics from wall sockets if you’re not using it.

Dad gum thing works!

Did you smart computer guys know this? 

Computer email Info : I just found this out and thought I'd pass this on. It's very useful when trying to read small print (especially in the early hours). 

If you hold down the 'Ctrl' key on your key board and then turn the small wheel in the middle of your mouse away from you or towards you, the print size will change - it will either get larger or smaller - depending on which way you turn the wheel ...Try it.

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

 

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

The miner replied, "Mine."

A bishop, a judge, and a conductor were discussing their careers and got into an argument about which of them was the greatest.

The judge said, "When I step into the courtroom, everyone stands to pay me respect."

The bishop said, "They stand? I have people kneel before me and kiss my ring."

To which the conductor replied, "Ha! I got you both beat. When I step on the podium people look down, cover their eyes, and say 'Oh my God!'"



How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two - one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.



Two cowboys were lost in the desert when they spotted a tree draped in bacon strips.

"We're saved!" shouted one cowboy. But when he ran up to the tree, he was shot multiple times.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short. 

Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it's biting my fingernails.

One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.

"Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."

 

How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings arcade game?

None... it only takes Tolkiens!

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found.

As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.

Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me." 

Billy: Though my Aunt is very dear to me the truth is, no one likes her homemade pudding except you Johnny. Tell me why you always get a double helping and also take the leftovers home?

Johnny: I use it to patch the cracks in my driveway; it lasts for years.

A man flies into a new city on business. When he got to the hotel he realized he came down with laryngitis. He decided to call a doctor before he completely lost his voice.

He looks up a doctor’s phone number and calls him. A woman picks up the phone. The man, not being able to talk loud, whispers, “Is the doctor in?”

The woman whispers back, “He just left. It’s safe to come in now.”   

Watch out foir these emojis on your kids phones and social network sites

 They tell a much very different story than you may think.

The DEA (Drug Enforcement Administration) says seemingly innocent icons are being misused across social media, including Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, Twitter and YouTube.

True Story? I duuno! - Stun Gun

ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The affects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her Microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries. Right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for theheck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making Meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Tommy