Truisms

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:



1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

**as of when this was posted only 148 Days till Christmas!
 SUCCESS:


At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

EVERLASTING

By Gail Fulkerson

Waterfalls
Roaring,
Falling to their deaths
Over dangerously high cliffs,
Crashing into deep pools
Of roiling water below.
The initial shockwaves
Are calamities
Contained
Within a small space.
There is no escape
From the powerful surges
Of waters rising
From the depths of the pool
To meet the waters falling.
There is no time for breathing.

The crazy waters race away
Down channels
Long traversed,
Cutting ever deeper
Into rock
As it flows onward.
Nothing escapes
The power
Of water.Whether by drop,
Stream, rivulet,
Or torrent,
Water is constant,
And will not be refused
For long.
The Aeons say it is so.

Did you know
That water is a metaphor
For our emotions?
The old saw,
‘Still waters run deep”
Comes to mind.
An outwardly calm exterior,
Cultivated over decades,
Adept at
Submerging and anchoring
The richness and flavour
Of emotions,
In depths immeasurable.
A tiny tremor,
A stirring of silt,
Disturbs the bottom

Of the
Immaculate ocean.
Battle stations
Ready.
The disturbance
Must be contained
And neutralized
Before it can
Reach the surface
And leave a crack or
Crevasse
In the calmness above.
Should that happen,
No amount of
Damage control
Will repair the rift.
Scars are everlasting,
And not all of them
Can be seen.

Kids in a hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out,and I'm afraid."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

The Checkerboard Illusion

OK ...
you may not believe it, but the colour of square A and square B are EXACTLY the same.



Click on the picture to prove the illusion!

Little old lady

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."




Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

Grandma's Hands

Grandma is some Seventy Seven plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was ok.

Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was ok.

She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking, she said in a clear strong voice.

I didn't mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were ok.

Have you ever looked at your hands, she asked. I mean really looked at your hands?
I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands, as I tried to figure out the point she was making.

Grandma smiled and related this story:

Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots.

They dried the tears of my children and caressed the love of my life. They held my young husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war.

They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were firm yet gentle when I held my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band, they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. They replied to the letters written home and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse and watched as my daughter walked down the aisle.

Yet, they were strong and sure when I grabbed my child and jerked her away from danger when a car was going too fast, and they clasped my children lovingly for stitches, broken bones, and measles. They have held children, consoled neighbors, and shook in anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body, and those of my family. From the day a new baby was born, to the day I washed my first love's body and prepared him for his final viewing.

They have been sticky, wet, bent, broken, dried, and raw.

To this day when not much of anything else of me works real well, these hands hold me up, lay me down, and continue to fold in prayer. These hands are the mark of where I've been and the richness of my life.

But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when He leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ - God Bless Grandma.

Can You See it?

There is a hidden picture inside the picture below. It can be seen in 3D without 3D glasses! Take a hard look and see if you can find the 'hidden dino'...

*Magic Eye

The Secret

by Brian Bogdan

I am human.
I have a tail.
I've been told only about 2% of humans have a tail.
I think it's hard to tell exactly, most do a great job at hiding the fact they have a tail.
I was not so lucky.
When I was in high school, I told a friend that I had a tail.
Almost immediately, I was taunted by my school-mates.
"He has a tail! Tail boy! Tail boy! Get outa my way freakazoid!"

From that point on, I was unable to escape the torment.
I did not understand. I was born with a tail. It wasn't my fault.
I asked God on many occasions, why.
Why did he give me a tail??

God did not answer.
This made me sad.
I went to a priest for 'confession'.
He said that as long as I didn't use my tail, God was fine with it.

But I did use my tail.
Lots and lots of times.
When I would get close to other humans,
I secretly hoped they had a tail.
Nope. Some were gay, some were straight, but none had a tail.

They were shocked when they saw it.
This immediately stopped the encounter.
They wouldn't speak to me anymore.
Just mocked, "Tail boy! Tail boy! Tail boy!"

I would go back to the priest over and over.
Each time I would tell the Father,
"Bless me father, for I have sinned."
I have used my tail.

The priest asked me where I used my tail.
I told him I like to hang from the tree branches by it.
It gave me a new perspective on the world.
Father told me that I must’t use my tail.

He told me, God wouldn't like me if I used my tail.

I was scared. I didn't want to have God be mad at me.
I was confused. Did not God make me?
Is he not the one who gave me the tail?
I was born with a tail after all.

"God hates me! God hates me!" This was all I could think about
I was so sad.
I tried to cut my tail off.
But I couldn't. All I could do was make a cut in it.

I went to school.
"Don't talk to him!", they said.
"He has a tail!"
"He's gross! He makes us want to upchuck!"

I had no friends.
No one was like me.
No one had a tail.
I was alone.

I decided that getting rid of my tail was not enough.
I decided to end my life.
End my suffering.
"It's not my fault I have a tail."

I was taken to the hospital.
This was one of many times I ended up there.
Always the same reason though.
Over and over this was repeated.

they put me in a special hospital.
They took away my laces.
They talked to me. Over and over.
"Why would you try to kill yourself, What could be so bad?"

I told them I had a tail.
They said, "It's alright that you have a tail."
I said, "God hates me because I use my tail."
They said, "God doesn't hate you for using your tail. He made you and made the tail."

A few days later I was out of hospital.
I had a new lease on life.
Until...

Someone on the street, (an acquaintance), pointed and shouted
"He has a tail! Tail boy! Tail boy!"
I rushed into a store.
When it was safe, I went to the park.

I went to the park to hang around and use my tail.
I pulled myself high into the trees.
Where no one could see or shame me.
It's so glorious up there.

Being who I was supposed to be.
Just a human with a tail.
I decided not to try to get rid of my tail anymore.
I became proud of my tail.

I was a rare gem within the human race.

2%!

Only 2% of all humans have a tail.

That means 98% of them won't feel the joy having a tail brings.
And you know what?
I found many more of the 2% of all humans that had a tail.
I have been in a relationship with one of them for 14 years.
We hang upside down in the trees

We look at all those poor folks out there.
Those with hate.
Those who think we shouldn't exist at all.

Well, they are so wrong.
People with tails are people first.

They Love
They feel pain
They eat, drink, and yes, on occasion be merry.
They sleep.
They drive cars.
They go to work every day.

I think its amazing that a group of humans as small as 2%
can make the other 98% feel threatened by us with tails.
Maybe. Just maybe they are hiding a tail. Or something else.
I do not know. But I am proud to have and to use my tail.

The Guy's Guide To Underwear

Which ones does The Wizard wear? The World may never know.... or care!



Click Above For Larger Picture. If you use Internet Explorer then you will have to click on the new image and zoom in

We Love English!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't ‘Buick' rhyme with ‘quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ‘UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .
When the sun comes out we say it is coming UP...
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to Shut UP!

I Can’t Stand It

Click above to visit Deerhorn Shamanic Services

by Trent Deerhorn, Deerhorn Shamanic Services

So many vehicular accidents could so easily be avoided if people would just get off of their stupid cell phones. Although there are laws that result in heavy fines and loss of licenses, it really seems that no one is around monitoring this sort of thing. The other day a woman blew right through a red light as she was talking on her cell phone. Where were the police? *crickets* Before that I witnessed a man blow a stop sign as he was texting. Thank heavens there were no pedestrians. Where were the police? *crickets*

Now, I am not the sort of person who thinks in any way that one should never even have the radio on while driving. In fact, having it on yesterday allowed me to avoid both an accident zone and a four way flashing red light intersection that was backing traffic up for a good mile and a half. For those of you young enough to not know what that is…basically around 2.451 kilometers. So in listening to the traffic report I was able to get to my destination hassle free by re-routing myself. So no, a radio is not, in my opinion, a distraction. Music blaring at 2500 decibels IS a distraction.

My partner was going to another city last week and was not familiar with the layout of that city. So he tried and tested Google Maps GPS and found it worked rather well. But he did not want to be holding his cell phone while driving, so he got one of those devices that mounts your cell phone to the dash. He mounted it beside the steering wheel and down, so that it was not in any way impeding his view. He could simply glance down now and then, just as someone would do for their speedometer, and see where he was and what Google was referring to. Easy peasy.

This got me to thinking…

There have been several times in the grocery store where people have been talking on their cell phones, or texting or looking at their grocery list, not paying attention at all, and either almost run into me or have actually run into someone else, or a display. So…why are there no cell phone stands made that can attach to a grocery cart? There must be SOME way this could happen. For those of you reading this who design such things for cell phones…here is an EXCELLENT idea! You’re WELCOME! And while they are at it, perhaps they can install some app that assesses the layout of the grocery store so that, no matter how often they change the location of products, it can tell you exactly which aisle to head for, whether it is on the left or the right, top shelf, middle, or bottom shelf…the list goes on. Perhaps it could also update you with things like, “Register number 11 has 5 people in line with full carts, whereas register number 5 has just two people with hand held baskets. And avoid register number 14…that cashier is slower than molasses, which can be found in aisle 21, right side, top shelf.” And perhaps as you are just getting your shopping cart it could run through the specials of the day…”Today’s hot specials include Iams Dog Food 10kg package for only $14.99, Scope Mouthwash, 1 litre bottle for just $5.69 and a 30 ml tube of personal lubrication gel for just $569.00! Getting backed up? Try our 24hour laxatives for just $35.00 in aisle 4 of the pharmacy…to your left…no, your other left.”

I would wear my earbuds for this stuff! And no one would understand why I was laughing so hard. It could even give alerts like, “Geriatric shoppers taking up the entire lane in aisle 23……..23 1/4……..23 1/2…” or perhaps even “Alert! Toddler meltdown in aisles 5,6,7,8 and 9! Noise levels at the peak in aisle 7!” or even, “Indecisive shopper backing traffic up in aisle 6 of the pharmacy…the great condom debate has never been so intense!”

Seriously, why are we not maximizing the use of technology in areas that actually make a difference in our day to day lives?

My partner bought me an arm strap for my cell phone for when I am doing my workouts. I like to listen to really fast music with my morning runs on the elliptical machine. But I don’t like to have the entire household woken up with my music. So finally he found a style that fit my cell phone without me having to take my cell phone out of its protective case. Ya…I am exercising and I am gonna take my phone OUT of its PROTECTIVE case and bounce around a bunch and see if it will stay in the pouch…NOT. So now I can strap it on, do my run, listen to awesome music in my earbuds, and before I know it the run is done. I don’t have to worry about dropping it or having it fall off of the screen shelf on the elliptical machine. This is making technology work for us in our every day lives. I like that.

So hopefully now that I have written this and published it, someone will read it and come up with an idea for a grocery cart stand for cell phones. And it can’t just be an iPhone stand. There are a lot of different style cell phones of various sizes, so it has to be adjustable. I hope this unknown person gets paid a lot for their invention. I hope that it gets implemented into the design of all shopping carts, be they for grocery stores, hardware stores, or wherever. Because right now… I just can’t stand it. Because there is no stand. Anywhere to be found. Nothing.

The Overview Effect

Just under 20 minutes long

Skydiving Blind...

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Jeffery Straker - Landslide (cover Stevie Nicks / Fleetwood Mac)

The largest halibut ever caught -- 513 lbs!

This was caught by a fisherman in Norway.

513 lbs. 

A Prairie Tale

Truck Got Stuck

The Chev got stuck and the Ford got stuck
got the Chev unstuck when the Dodge showed up
But the Dodge got stuck in the tractor rut,
Which eventually pulled out the Ford
With some difficulty


Well more rain than we'd seen for a thousand years
Caused financial joys and biblical fears
It caused some smiles it caused some tears
But more to the point of our story
For The first time in the collective memory,
That old brown prairie that had been so dry for so long was very muddy
Boggy and sticky
We'd pull one truck out and get another stuck in
And motors would roar and tires would spin
We'd sink right down, down to the diff,
and we'd all take turns and do it again
Till no one could move, we'd call one more friend,
Come on out here, we need you, bring your truck


The Chev got stuck and the Ford got stuck
got the Chev unstuck when the Dodge showed up
But the Dodge got stuck in the tractor rut
Which eventually pulled out the Ford
And the Dodge

They got me stuck in the mud, so they couldn't rehearse
And Chavase too has missed his work
Richie, he now fears the worst, he stood up his ex wife she called him a jerk
Course Holman didn't have nothing better do to, 'cept ranch.

The Chev got stuck and the Ford got stuck
got the Chev unstuck when the Dodge showed up
But the Dodge got stuck in the tractor rut
Which eventually pulled out the Ford

Well it was truck after truck, we all got stuck
'cept the big old four by hutterite truck
We all thought 'lord are we in luck!
But he wouldn't come anywhere near us,
Mighty neighborly, mighty neighborly.


So we used a lot of our backs, a little of our brains
We jacked up the jacks, and snugged up the chains,
We all did our very best to refrain from shovelin.
We put what timber we had, underneath the wheels
And we was all out of sand, but managed to steal
Two sacks of the best modern canola seed you ever did see,
That 'oughta give us some traction

The Chev got stuck and the Ford got stuck
got the Chev unstuck when the Dodge showed up
But the Dodge got stuck in the tractor rut
Which eventually pulled out the Ford

We spilled genetically modified canola seed
That was genetically modified for controlling the weeds
And for big old yields and margarine oil, raised hell all over
that native prairie soil
Agriculture Canada is definitely gonna be looking for us
Performed by Corb Lund

Attraction - Shadows Theatre Group

Awesome!

When I Whine

Today, upon a bus, I saw a girl with golden hair

I looked at her and sighed and wished I was as fair.

When suddenly she rose to leave,

I saw her hobble down the aisle.

She had one leg and used a crutch

But as she passed, she passed a smile.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine

I have 2 legs, the world is mine.


I stopped to buy some candy

The lad who sold it had such charm

I talked with him a while, he seemed so very glad

If I were late, it'd do no harm.

And as I left, he said to me,

"I thank you, you've been so kind.

It's nice to talk with folks like you.

You see," he said, "I'm blind."

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.

I have 2 eyes, the world is mine.



Later while walking down the street,

I saw a child with eyes of blue

He stood and watched the others play

He did not know what to do.

I stopped a moment and then I said,

"Why don't you join the others, dear?"

He looked ahead without a word.

And then I knew, he couldn't hear.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.

I have 2 ears, the world is mine.



With feet to take me where I'd go.

With eyes to see the sunset's glow.

With ears to hear what I would know.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.

I've been blessed indeed, The world is mine.

Sorrow looks back,

Worry looks around,

Faith looks up.

Celebrity patents unearthed

Ironic Sans unearthed no less than 18 bizarre and unusual celebrity patents by entertainment A-lisers not normally renowned for following in the footsteps of Dean Kamen. Obviously our pick for favorite was Eddie Van Halen's "musical instrument support" which makes two handed shredding that much easier (really though, did the patent drawing need to be shirtless too?), although other curiosities include Hedy Lamar's "secret communication system", Jamie Lee Curtis's "infant garment" diaper design, Lawrence Welk's "Welk ash tray", Goerge Lucas's patent on a demonic Yoda toy figure design, Penn Jillette's sexually jilted "hydro-therapeutic stimulator" hot tub (what? possibly NSFW), and perhaps the mostly slyly odd, Michael Jackson's "Method and means for creating anti-gravity illusion".

I highly recommend perusing these patents -- much is to be gained from peering into the minds of the world's greatest celebrity / inventors, whose creations may one day truly touch the lives of the everyman.

Click below:

Ironic Sans

An Open Letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger

On her radio show, Dr. Laura said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Schlesinger, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as quite informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman,

Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,

Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

P.S. (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.)