New product for the ultimate lazy person!

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER . . . .

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE. . . .

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN . . . .

1. Going! bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

6. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEK . . . . .

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The Guy In the Glass

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,

And the world makes you King for a day,

Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,

And see what that guy has to say.



For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,

Who judgement upon you must pass.

The feller whose verdict counts most in your life

Is the guy staring back from the glass.



He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,

For he's with you clear up to the end,

And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test

If the guy in the glass is your friend.



You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,

And think you're a wonderful guy,

But the man in the glass says you're only a bum

If you can't look him straight in the eye.



You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,

And get pats on the back as you pass,

But your final reward will be heartaches and tears

If you've cheated the guy in the glass.

by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934

"Duel" Meanings"

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

Feeding the Eagles!

From an email.... click on the pictures to see them bigger!

In January the weather was so cold that the bald eagles were cruising over our houses looking for hapless cats to make a quick meal. Some kind souls decided to feed the eagles down at Goose Spit so they would survive the cold spell. Here's what happened!

A former teaching colleague took these photos in front of his home. They are incredible!


What a sight to see...



A beautiful morning feeding the eagles. Jan.2009



Feeding the Eagles Jan.2009



Eagles fighting for the fish. Jan.2009



No zoom! I was this close! Jan.2009



Aren't they funny! Jan.2009



Here are the men who were feeding them Jan.2009

Old Guys In Action

Looking for Computer Engineers

SMART ASS ANSWERS!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

THE BEST SMART ASS ANSWER!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

12 Of The Creepiest Things Men Have Done While Trying To Be 'Romantic'.

1/12. A guy I worked with sent me flowers to my home address. When I asked how he got my address he told me he stole my payslip.
-kellbell85

2/12. I was flirting with a guy in a club, we talked all night and finally kissed. He was awesome and really hot. Then he told me to close my eyes and he put a silver necklace with a cross around my neck. I looked at it and said: "uhm, thanks...?" He smiled and said: "It belonged to my first girlfriend. She died in a house fire when I was 15.”
-Herekity99

3/12. Ugh. When I was 17 I was at a house party and had been polity chatting with my friends 30 year old coworkers. I needed to pee so he showed me where the bathroom was. On the way there he "tripped" and "fell" on me pinning me to the wall with his hands on my breast and arm. He held me there and went in to for a kiss.
That was the first guy I've ever slapped.
-flippant_owl

4/12. Snuck into my apartment building after going on ONE date.
Taped a flower and a love poem to my door. Now this might have been cute because the start of the poem was all joking around and goofy...but then the second half of the poem was all weird and "you and I are gonna be together forever and have 10 babies" kinda sh**.
-LadyKnightmare

5/12. I had an ex boyfriend who began stalking me after I broke up with him. He'd wait outside for me, park his truck behind my car so I couldn't leave, leave creepy notes on my car, stand outside my basement door looking in, etc... All because he said I loved him and we belonged together, but I just didn't know it yet. Ughhh lasted almost a year after we broke up until I had to almost get the cops involved. :-/
-fortune_cxxkie

6/12. A guy told me that he had killed two people and dumped their bodies in the lake. He was psycho and thought that somehow that would be "cool" or "mysterious" and would impress me. He offered to take me to the spot in the lake and shoe me. I called the cops on him. He was pissed and said he made it up and I shouldn't have overreacted. I don't really know what he was expecting.
-otpprincess

7/12. Followed me to the bathroom at a party because he "just wanted to help me." When I confronted him outside in front of the party host he said "I think I'm in love with you", I had just met him that night.
-krotti420

8/12. Shortly after I broke up with him, my honestly very sweet high school boyfriend broke into my house while I was gone and left a card and roses on my bed to express his sorrow.
Aw honey no.
My mother was more upset than I was. I knew what he meant, but she was like "HOW DID HE GET INTO THE HOUSE"
"He knows where we hide the key Mom"
-Lily_May

9/12. Drawn a pie chart of all the girls he likes and tried to convince me to go on a date with him since I was 32% of the pie.
-gobananas

10/12. He was a budding animator who had a crush on me. As a romantic gesture to win me over, he created an anthropomorphic "sexy" squirrel character based on me and drew several very detailed and graphic pin up type pictures of it and uploaded them to his online portfolio. He was a pretty skilled artist and the face of the character was noticeably me. He said it was how he saw me in his fantasies.
-HereticHousewife

11/12. My teacher asked me out on the last day of class. We were both in our mid 20s. We went out and after a few drinks he admitted to pleasuring himself to my Facebook pictures. I ended up spending the night anyway and the next day he texted me how nice it was to find my hair in the shower.
-chickenwingsinbed

12/12. Said he wanted to buy me a necklace with his name on it so other guys would know I was his and not talk to me. Apparently, it's romantic to treat women like property. The guy threw off all kinds of domestic violence warning signs and I noped out of there fast.
-bitsy88

"Along Came Jones" - Ray Stevens

A very favourite song of The Wizard is Ray Stevens version of "Along Came Jones" -- "Save me! Someone SAVE ME! Help Help Help!

KIWI

Are You Kathlick?

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School

So they went to the nearest Church.  But, only the Janitor was there .

One little boy said,  'We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?'

'Sure,' said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then He said, 'You are now baptized!'

When they got outside, one of them asked, 'What religion do you think we are?'

The oldest one said,  'We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.'

'We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.'

'We're not Lutrans , because they just sprinkle water on you.'

The littlest one said, 'Didn't you smell that water?!'

They all joined in asking,

'Yeah! What do you think that means?'



'I think it means we're Pisspoterians.'

Tetanus Shot

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the heck are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot."

Things that make you say 'AW Crap!'

Doctors are human after all

Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab !' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. ' Big breaths,'. I instructed. ' Yes, they used to be,'. . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ' massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ' Which one ?'. . . I asked.

'The patch . . . the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it! 'I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked. ' How long have you been bedridden ?' After a look of complete confusion she answered .. . .' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ..' So how's your breakfast this morning?'


'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.


I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said ' Sorry . . .had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name


AND FINALLY ! ! ! . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . . . .


8. As a new, young MD doing my residency in OB,  I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you ?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard. ...' No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Ich liebe Spiele!

Settlers of Catan

Settlers of Catan is a multiplayer board game designed by Klaus Teuber (pronounced: Toy-Ber). It was first published in 1995 in Germany by Franckh-Kosmos Verlags-GmbH & Co. (Kosmos) under the name Die Siedler von Catan.

Settlers was the first German-style board game to achieve popularity outside Europe, and has been called the "killer app" of designer board games. Over 15 million games in the Catan series have been sold, and the game has been translated into thirty languages from the original German. The game has rapidly become popular in part because its mechanics are relatively simple, while its dynamics are quite complex. The game is well suited for family play, since no one gets eliminated, and players who are behind can strive towards goals that are within their reach.

The standard game and its many expansions are available from Mayfair Games in the United States and United Kingdom, from Capcom in Japan, Kosmos and 999 Games in the European Union, Κάισσα in Greece (Οι άποικοι του Κατάν), Devir in Spain, Portugal and Latin America, and Strategy Games in Canada.

Gameplay

The players in the game represent the eponymous settlers, establishing a colony on the previously uninhabited island of Catan. The island itself is composed of hexagonal tiles ("hexes") of different land types which are laid out randomly at the beginning of each game. Numbered tokens are then placed on each of the tiles, except for one desert hex.



Starting with two settlements and adjoining road sections, players build roads, settlements, and eventually cities as they settle the island. Roads are built along the edges of the hexes, and settlements at the corners; no two settlements may be built on adjacent corners. Positioning of roads and settlements allows a player to deny other players access to essential resources, and good building is one route to victory.

Each turn, a roll of the two dice determines which hexes produce resources. Production of resources (clay, lumber, wool, grain, and ore) is the main random element in the game. Normally, players with settlements adjacent to those hexes receive resource cards of the appropriate type, with cities yielding more resources. However, if the dice roll is 7, the "robber" token must be moved to a different hex. This allows the player to prevent that hex from producing resources and to steal a resource card from another player.

The resource cards can be spent to build more roads or settlements, upgrade settlements to cities, and to obtain development cards for later use; or they can be stored for trade or later use. When a seven is rolled, players with eight or more stored resources lose half their stored resources, making the choice of whether to build or store resources a difficult one.

Players are allowed to trade among each other the resources they have produced, and to trade "off the island" for a hefty price. By building settlements in certain positions, players may obtain better off-island trading prices. Bad luck in the game can be mitigated by trading, and trading is the main method of player interaction in the game; astute trading is another route to victory.[3] If a player is winning, other players may refuse to trade with him or her; this allows them to catch up with the leader.

A player receives a victory point for each settlement built, and another for each settlement upgraded to a city. Various other achievements, such as establishing the longest road or building the largest army, grant a player additional victory points. The victor is the first player to possess ten victory points on his or her turn.

There is no combat. Players may harm each other by moving the robber, refusing to trade, cutting off building routes, taking the "longest road" and "largest army" cards, and using certain development cards. The layout of the board and restrictions on building allow for a player to be boxed in through poor play or bad luck. Also, given the random component of the board layout, it is possible for a player to gain a monopoly on a certain resource, then demand steep trade rates from the other players. Home games generally take between one and two hours to complete.

Teuber's original design was for a large game of exploration and development in a new land.[5] Between 1993 and 1995 Teuber and Kosmos refined and simplified the game into its current form. Unused mechanics from that design went on to be used in Teuber's following games, Entdecker and Löwenherz. The game's first expansion, Seafarers of Catan, adds the concept of exploration, and the combined game (sometimes known as "New Shores") is probably the closest game to Teuber's original intentions.

--more--

*Wikipedia

Getting Paid For It

Careful what you take money for! It sounded good at the time!
Read it to the end for the big finish!


Click on the picture for a larger image.

The History of 'APRONS'

I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, because she only had a few, it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and they used less material, but along with that, it served as a potholder for Removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.

Send this to those who would know (and love) the story about Grandma's aprons.

REMEMBER:


Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.

Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.

--Unknown

The Under-Appreciated "Klikle Sandwich"

I was eating my Klik (Canadian SPAM) and pickle sandwich on rye bread, The Wizard remembered back to his childhood days. It seemed so distant and far away. How Mom would make me horrible Klik and relish sandwiches - made me heave. All that ugly pink and green stuff. Geesh!- that was horrible. The taste would give you a reason to up-chuck. Now, many years after, those unpleasant painful memories were nothing more than distant nightmares. The Wizard has his life together. He can afford quality, gourmet meals. Klik and pickle with Keen's Hot Mustard on rye bread. And a glass of ToonTown tap water to wash it down. How times have changed.



"I am Sir Spam-a-lot, a K-Nig-Git* of the Circular Dinette" and I come seeking the Holy Gherkin."

*Reference to Monty Python

Saskatchewan

Saskatoon, SK

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through
18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

If you're proud that your province makes the
National news 96 nights
Each year because Saskatoon is the coldest spot in the nation,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",
You might live in Saskatchewan.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the
Middle of his forehead,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

If you know how to say....Wanuskewin, Manitou,Qu'appelle, Valparaiso, Waskesiu, Saskatoon
You might live in Saskatchewan.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

If vacation means going "up north" for the weekend,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

You measure distance in hours,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

You know several people, who have hit deer more than once,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow
During a raging blizzard without flinching,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

You install security lights on your house and garage and
Leave both unlocked,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

You carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows
How to use them,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at any given time,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
Snowsuit,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter,
And of course, road construction,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next
To your blue spruce,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

If "Down South" to you means Regina,
You might live in Saskatchewan.

You find -20 degrees "a little chilly",
You might
Live in Saskatchewan.

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Saskatchewanian friends,
You DO live in Saskatchewan...

click below:
100 reasons to celebrate Saskatchewan