A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's requested part, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, wiping his eyes, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that --- Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Welcome to 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow!! Posting is at 10AM, Noon and 2PM CST daily. Up to 12 days of posts on the main page. The archives have more. You can forward posts by clicking on the envelope at the bottom of the post. Enjoy your stay! *** If you need to contact me, or have a copyright issue, please use the "Contact The Wizard" form on the left side of 'OZ'. Original source and author is cited and credited in each post where possible. ***
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
The Horth Whithperer
The Gambler
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler", replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."
The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.
"Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again".
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50", said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar.
The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on".
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!".
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!".
Thursday, August 23, 2007
If all the world
and I an inmate in it,
I should sleep day and night
and watch the fan tracing
circles on the wall.
if my room were all the world
and I could stay inside it always,
I should sit in my chair with my
mind adrift and watch the leaves
as they changed.
if my room and the world were
one and the same,
and I could live inside it,
I would drift happy from morning
to night, dreaming dreams of dreams
and watching the light
hovering like butterflies
on my brain,
shifting and melting
and flowing into
the wall.
*By Eowyn Wilcox
Mass Confusion!
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' can't stay on the church roof."
50 Things to do in a Public Restroom
1.Comment "Pooh, who did that?"
2.Complement people on their shoes.
3.Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.
4.Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects.
5.Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in their bowl.....
6.Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.
7.Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"
8.Simulate a drug deal.
9.Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).
10.Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.
11.Start a sing-a-long.
12.Act schizophrenically.
13.Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy....
14.Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.
15.Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"
16.Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you."
17.Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.
18.Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.
19.Say "Oops... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.
20.Rub chocolate on your hands, reach under the door and say, "Hey buddy. Got any toilet paper? (Stolen from Howie Mandel.)
21.At night, switch off the lights.
22.Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?"
23.Collect a door charge.
24.Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?"
25.Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing.
26.Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.
27.Write essay questions on the toilet paper.
28.Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl.
29.Offer refreshments.
30.Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.
31.Run in, yelling "Free Willy!"
32.Charge admission.
33.Electrify metal urinals.
34.Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.
35.One word: GOLDFISH.
36.Make a jelly in the bowl.
37.Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.
38.Remove stall doors.
39.Glue seat and cover down to bowl.
40.Place signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance.
41.Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.
42.Put itching powder on the toilet seats.
43.Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.
44.Replace soap in dispenser with custard.
45.Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available.
46.Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install.
47.Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa).
48.In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice young players: Don't leave the water in while you do this....)
49.Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.
OK, So Only 49!
Microsoft Contraceptive2007
News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of North American life with the introduction of Contraceptive2007, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.
Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.
The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive2007 suite consists of three products: Condom2007, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1. A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive2007 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector.
Contraceptive2007 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive2007 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs install the package. At installation, the Condom2007 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive2007 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $969 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.
This great new contraceptive product will help users do to each other what monopolies have been doing to their would-be competitors for years.
Letter Game (Chat Cheats!)
I Know that most of us use Laser or Optical Mice - but this is still priceless!
"Replacement of mouse balls"
This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
GIGGLES, SNORTS, AND GUFFAWS
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
~Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Sad Story...
I lived on a farm when I was a child. Times were hard back then, and the area where I lived was economically depressed.
I knew that the neighbours were having a hard time making ends meet.
One day, I heard a knock at the door, and when I went to answer, this is the sad sight that I saw.
It just broke my heart.
Click here.