Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the pinche cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. 

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. 

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! 

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit,", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

OOPS!!

 

"I need me some fresh air..."

*Thanks, Kaila

Why some teachers drink...

The following questions were set in a GED examination**

These are genuine answers (from 16 year-olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q... Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

*Thanks, DW

**These are funny, but this cannot be legitimate. The GED Exam questions are all multiple choice or essay. No open ended questions like this are used.

“The Apocalypse Calendar”

Welcome. You are a little late to the party, as this is a site promoting a 2012 wall calendar, which is likely flying by as you read this. Otherwise, you must be reading this from a post-apocalyptic space colony, sorting through cached webpages after retrieving a stray satellite containing fragments of what we once called “the internet”, but I’m glad to have you here anyway. This site was dedicated to promoting and selling a project known as “The Apocalypse Calendar.” This project was originally created by me, Thomas Quinn, in early 2011. It had occurred to me that the next new year would be the long-anticipated 2012, made famous by the famously terrible Roland Emmerich film starring John Cusack, and widely known as the year the world would end according to certain interpretations of the Mayan calendar. The idea was to get a number of artists to create a page of a calendar featuring their own vision of the apocalypse. click here to find out more

*Thanks Aaron

Unofficial Taxidermy Deer LEGO Kit

Remember your hunting days with this mounted deer LEGO kit: the morning dew, the crunch of the field under your fancy boots, the sad eyes of the majestic, dying animals. It will all come swirling back to you as you assemble these 60-ish pieces. Due to piece availability, I've had to tweak the design slightly from the photo — mostly in the design of the backboard. This unofficial, homegrown LEGO kit includes mostly new* pieces as well as a hand-drawn instruction guide by yours truly. It's made with standard LEGO pieces, so it's fairly small — just about fits in your hand. Click on the picture below to go to the site.

*Thanks, Ernie

Wisdom

*Thanks, DW

Little Red Wagon

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

*Thanks, Dwight

Norwegian Icebreaker Heads up North Saskatchewan River

As you may have seen on the news it's been very cold in Saskatchewan ... So cold, in fact, that the Government of Saskatchewan has borrowed a Norwegian Icebreaker to clear the North Saskatchewan River for freighter traffic. The Icebreaker is starting near Devon and working its way northward. Here is a picture as the hard work of ice breaking begins. Impressive!

*Thanks Dwight

YOUR DAILY SURVIVAL KIT

Today, I am giving you a D A I L Y S U R V I V A L K I T to help you each day............ 

Toothpick ... to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself. 

Rubber band ... to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out. 

Band-Aid ... to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's. 

Eraser ... to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn by our errors. 

Candy Kiss ... to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday. 

Mint ... to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family & Me. 

Bubble Gum ... to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything. 

Pencil ... to remind you to list your blessings every day. 

Tea Bag ... to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of The Supreme Being's blessings. 

This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day

*Thanks, DW

Religion got you down?

If you question religion and you long for one that makes it more relevant to you.... Click here.

Band Saw Magic

Environment Canada Warning

Environment Canada has issued a travel warning

due to the cold weather that is arriving tomorrow.
They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

*Shovel
*Blankets or sleeping bag
*Extra clothing including hat and gloves
*24 hours worth of food
*De-Icer
*Rock Salt
*Flashlight with spare batteries
*Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
*Empty gas Can
*First Aid Kit
*Booster cables

I looked like a freakin' idiot on the bus this morning!

*Thanks, DW

Better than paper towels

COFFEE FILTERS Who knew! And you can buy 1,000 at the Dollar Tree for $1.00, even the large ones. 

1. Cover bowls or dishes when cooking in the microwave. Coffee filters make excellent covers. 

 2. Clean windows, mirrors, and chrome... Coffee filters are lint-free so they'll leave windows sparkling. 

3. Protect China by separating your good dishes with a coffee filter between each dish. 

4. Filter broken cork from wine. If you break the cork when opening a wine bottle, filter the wine through a coffee filter. 

5. Protect a cast-iron skillet. Place a coffee filter in the skillet to absorb moisture and prevent rust. 

6. Apply shoe polish. Ball up a lint-free coffee filter. 

7. Recycle frying oil. After frying, strain oil through a sieve lined with a coffee filter. 

8. Weigh chopped foods. Place chopped ingredients in a coffee filter on a kitchen scale. 

9. Hold tacos. Coffee filters make convenient wrappers for messy foods. 

10. Stop the soil from leaking out of a plant pot. Line a plant pot with a coffee filter to prevent the soil from going through the drainage holes. 

11. Prevent a Popsicle from dripping. Poke one or two holes as needed in a coffee filter. 

12. Do you think we used expensive strips to wax eyebrows? Use strips of coffee filters.. 

13. Put a few in a plate and put your fried bacon, French fries, chicken fingers, etc on them.. It soaks out all the grease. 

14. Keep in the bathroom. They make great "razor nick fixers.." 

15. As a sewing backing. Use a filter as an easy-to-tear backing for embroidering or appliquéing soft fabrics. 

16. Put baking soda into a coffee filter and insert into shoes or a closet to absorb or prevent odors. 

17. Use them to strain soup stock and to tie fresh herbs in to put in soups and stews. 

18. Use a coffee filter to prevent spilling when you add fluids to your car.. 

19. Use them as a spoon rest while cooking and clean up small counter spills. 

20. Can use to hold dry ingredients when baking or when cutting a piece of fruit or veggies. Saves on having extra bowls to wash. 

21. Use them to wrap Christmas ornaments for storage. 

22. Use them to remove fingernail polish when out of cotton balls. 

23. Use them to sprout seeds. Simply dampen the coffee filter, place seeds inside, fold it and place it into a zip-lock plastic bag until they sprout. 

24. Use coffee filters as blotting paper for pressed flowers. Place the flowers between two coffee filters and put the coffee filters in phone book. 

25. Use as a disposable "snack bowl" for popcorn, chips, etc. 

26. Great in the tool room when separating nails and screws then use in to bottom of containers to remove moisture and prevent rust. 

 OH YEAH THEY ARE GREAT TO USE IN YOUR COFFEE MAKERS TOO!

*Thanks, DW

From a Certified LEGO Professional - The Brickman

My latest model: (click on the picture to visit his site and find out more) 120,000 Bricks 5.7m Tall - The tallest LEGO model in Australia. 250 Hours to put this monster together. A huge thanks to Andrew Campbell at the Melbourne Headshot company for some amazing pictures!

Smart Old Lady

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the path. 

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 notes falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer." 

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. 

"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? 

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' 

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."

*Thanks, DW

Global Warming

Depressed?

*Thanks, Bright Eyes

Nice!

*Thanks, Dwight

Dog Thoughts

 You see, my FUR keeps me warm. Your sweaters only serve to insult me. 

When I say "woof," I mean "I hate you." If the choice is between prison and playing dress up with you, I choose prison. 

As if it wasn't hard enough being called a anorexic all the time; now you dress me up as an old drunken hooker. 

If you think I won't eat you when you die, you're dead wrong. 

Though I have provided all the evidence in the world, perhaps I should take this time to state a certain fact explicitly: I am a dog. I am NOT a CHILD. 

As you must be mentally off, I'll cut you some slack. 

If you wanted a bunny, why didn't you just buy one? 

Please remind me why I'm supposed to love you. 

I give you everything I have to give and you still wish I was a Dalmatian... 

I wish your husband took me with him when he left. 

If I had hands I'd strangle you. 

What is wrong with you. Seriously. Did you not get enough love as a child? Is your world so completely devoid of meaning that you think dressing me as a flower is a form of care taking? I hope the house gets burgled tonight. 

Remember this moment when I pee on your Persian rug tonight.  What am I wearing? Am I a picnic table? A waitress?  Could someone out there please have my owner put to sleep?  Very funny. You come up with that yourself?  Look, I'm barely a dog. I have enough identity issues without you dressing me up as a cheetah.  Dang it. How am I going to get a girl when I look like I'm being strangled by a cartoon cat?  You are ruining what self-esteem I have left.  And I thought the bunny suit was bad... What am I now? A Dogglebee? Please stop. Please.  You're going to embalm me when I'm dead, aren't you? *Thanks, Nonsensical Flounderings