A Funny Thing Happened On My Way Thru Customs

Click above for a movie. 1.2 MB download

My First Time....

I was scared at first. It was very wide,

and very long, and it angled straight up.

I decided I had to try it once.

I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.

It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it.

I went up and down, and up and down on it.....

I was really loving it!






Now I ride on



escalators all the time.

The Wizard Is A Reader of Personalities

Just let me prove it to ya!

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits on it.

They are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, You will be astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Click here for my analysis

The Bible outa context

 

Things the Bible says about marriage

A. Marriage shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5.) Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13;
I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

B. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed.(Deut 22:13-21)

C. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)

D. Since marriage is for life, neither the Constitution nor the constitution of any state, nor any federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

E. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)

F. Any man with a beautiful wife may pass her off as his sister, and have her sleep with a powerful man to his own advantage. (Gen 12:13)


Other silly things the Bible says in the same chapter in which it appears to condemn homosexuality:

Among other things, the Holiness Code of Leviticus 18-20 prohibits:

Sexual intercourse during a women's menstrual cycle
Tattoos
Wearing certain types of jewelry
Eating certain kinds of meat
Wearing clothing made from blended textiles (cotton-polyester blends)
Cross-breeding livestock
Sowing a field with mixed seed
Eating or touching the dead flesh of pigs, rabbits, & some forms of
seafood (there goes football!)
Men cutting their hair or shaving their beards
endorses polygamy
requires Saturday to be reserved as the Sabbath


2. Look under "Traditional values." You'll find a whole bunch that ought to make the white-picket-fence bourgeois types a leetle bit uncomfortable. About homosexuality, there's nothing (just like the gospels).

But high on the list we just happen to see:

"The Curse of Sodom":

"This was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride of wealth and food in plenty, comfort and ease, and yet she never helped the poor and the wretched." -- Ezekiel 16:49

The best reply, I think, to all the proof-texting in Leviticus is that God was speaking to the Jews there, not to the whole world. (Just ask them). It's their book, their law.) The question arose in apostolic times whether conversion to Christianity implied submission to the Old Testament law, and the considered, formal decision of the apostles was that it did not. This decision is recorded in Acts 15.

To ask why Leviticus verse y is unimportant when verse x is important, if even for the sake of argument, surrenders needless ground. I'd ask instead whether Acts chapter 15 is in their canon; and if so, what they think it means.

That still leaves us with a few verses from St. Paul to ponder. One can say various things about them, including whether they are correctly translated. I'd wonder why anyone should pick on gays when this writer takes such a dim view of *all* sex and marriage. Demand a single verse in the entire New Testament that justifies an obligation either to marry or to reproduce, or that links marriage to procreation. What did he say that marriage *is* for?

3. Misha Schutt writes: When I googled "leviticus sell daughter slavery" I got several versions of the passage several (if not all) of us had remembered, but I also found a more deadly earnest site:

www.evilbible.com

The compiler of this site probably doesn't have a life, since among other details, he (she?) calculates that in the course of the Old Testament, "God kills 371,186 people directly and orders another 1,862,265 people murdered." He also finds a passage where if you beat your slave so heavily that s/he dies, you must be punished, but if the slave dies only after a few days rather than in the course of the beating, you don't get punished. I wonder if the Lubavitchers keep slaves?

4. and finally this classic, Joan Condell writes: Here's a letter to everyone who, like Dr. Laura, uses a few verses of the Bible's Book of Leviticus to lecture homosexuals, when they wouldn't dare lecture anyone about any number of other prohibitions from the very same page of that very same book of the Bible:

Dr. Laura Schlessinger
c/o Premier Radio Networks
15260 Ventura Blvd., 5th Floor
Sherman Oaks, CA 91403

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

I miss you, son..

A child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
He was talking before I knew It
And as he grew
He said, "I’m gonna be like you,
Dad you know I’m gonna be like you"


And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin home dad
I don’t know when, but We'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then.

My son turned ten just the other day
He said "thanks for the ball dad, come on lets play
can you teach me to throw?"
I said, "Not today, I’ve got a lot to do"
He said "Thats okay"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said "I’m gonna be like him, yeah
You know I’m going to be like him"


And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin home dad
I dont know when, but We'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then.

He came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say,
"Son I’m proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a smile
"What I’m feeling like dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"


And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin home son
I dont know when, but We'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then.

I’ve long since retired, my son has moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said "Id like to see you if you don’t mind"
He said "Id love to dad If I could find the time.
You see my new jobs a hassle, and the kids have the flu.
But Its sure nice talking to you, dad, Its been sure nice
talking to you........"

And as I hung up the phone It had occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me, my boy, was just like me..............


And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin home son
I dont know when, but We'll get together then
we'll have a good time then.*

*Harry Chapin, "Cats in the cradle"

TMI! TMI!! TMI!!!!

Eewwwwwwwwwwww . . .

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

An average person’s yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

During an hour’s swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.

(This one is suprising!!!) In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples’ anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY . . . and wash your damn hands.

The Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.  The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.  Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight.  You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Odd News

Home Depot Apologizes to Pencil Thief

METHUEN, Mass. - Home Depot Inc. apologized to a carpenter who was banned by the chain worldwide after he absent-mindedly pocketed a pencil he had used up to do some quick math. Michael Panorelli, 51, of Lawrence, was accused of shoplifting from the Methuen store last Thursday and banned from Home Depots. Panorelli was with a client and had just bought some lumber when the client picked up the pencil sitting next to a cash register for Panorelli to use. Panorelli pocketed the pencil and was met in the parking lot by a worker who asked for identification. The worker presented Panorelli with one letter saying he was banned from Home Depot, and another advising that he would be hearing from the company's lawyers. Panorelli took his story to the Eagle-Tribune newspaper in Lawrence, which published it over the weekend. On Sunday, Atlanta-based Home Depot issued a written apology, saying the incident was prompted by a narrow interpretation of its shoplifting prevention rules. "We will not be pursuing any claims against Mr. Panorelli for this incident," the statement said. "We welcome Mr. Panorelli back as a customer in our stores at any time." But the carpenter said he had no intention of doing business there again, adding, "Why should I put money in someone's pocket when they treat me like this?" 

 

*YAHOO! News

Rugby fan tells how he lost his tackle A Welsh rugby fan has spoken out about how he hacked off his own testicles after his team beat England. Geoffrey Huish, 31, took an agonising ten minutes to perform the op using a pair of blunt wire cutters, says the Sun. Then he put his severed parts in a blue plastic bag and staggered to a social club to tell fellow Wales fans what he'd done. Jobless Geoffrey finally collapsed with blood pouring from his groin as horrified drinkers put his testicles in a pint glass of ice. They were handed to paramedics who rushed him to hospital - but surgeons could not sew them back. Geoffrey, of Senghenydd, spent several months in a psychiatric unit as experts tried to fathom his actions. He said: “I’d told my pal Gethin Probert before the game that Wales didn’t stand a chance. It wasn’t a bet, but I said I’d cut my balls off if we won... “So I started hacking away at my tackle. It took about ten minutes and there was quite a lot of pain — but I just kept going. “The cutters were blunt so I had to keep snipping. I cut my penis as well. There was a lot of blood but not as much as you would expect.” He added: “I think about what happened every day and still haven’t come up with a good reason why. I’d had a lot going on and felt a bit down. I can’t have kids now, but still want a family. Maybe I’ll adopt.”

*Ananova

"OZ" Trivia

What is the real name of the Witch of the West?



Click above for the answer

The Coolest Photo You'll See All Day...

 Mountains of Creation Credit: Lori Allen (Harvard-Smithsonian CfA) et al., JPL-Caltech, NASA

Explanation: This fantastic skyscape lies at the eastern edge of giant stellar nursery W5, about 7,000 light-years away in the constellation Cassiopeia. An infrared view from the Spitzer Space Telescope, it features interstellar clouds of cold gas and dust sculpted by winds and radiation from a hot, massive star outside the picture (just above and to the right). Still swaddled within the cosmic clouds, newborn stars are revealed by Spitzer's penetrating gaze, their formation also triggered by the massive star. Fittingly dubbed "Mountains of Creation", these interstellar clouds are about 10 times the size of the analogous Pillars of Creation in M16, made famous in a 1995 Hubble Space Telescope view. W5 is also known as IC 1848 and together with IC 1805 it is part of a complex region popularly dubbed the Heart and Soul Nebulae. The Spitzer image spans about 70 light-years at the distance of W5.

Orgasmic Simulator

Click above

YIKES!!

Dirty magazines

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Military husband called home to tell me he would be late- again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial. My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines are the clips from their rifles that had not been cleaned."

*Thanks, SalTCBug!

Maxine Tells It Like It Is...

Anniversary

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday.

*Thanks, Daryn!

GREAT TRUTHS

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 

 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.  

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 

2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.  

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD: 

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.  

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 

1)You believe in Santa Claus. 

2)You don't believe in Santa Claus. 

3)You are Santa Claus. 

4)You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS: 

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. 

At age 12 success is . . . having friends. 

At age 16 success is . . .. having a drivers license.  

At age 20 success is . . . going all the way. 

At age 35 success is . . . having money. 

At age 50 success is . . . having money. 

At age 60 success is . . . going all the way. 

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. 

At age 75 success is . . having friends. 

At age 80 success is . . .. not peeing in your pants.

Snap Crackle and Pop Wisdom

 

YOU have to teach some people...

At a crowded hotel restaurant, my parents and I gave our order to the waitress. A short time later, she returned. "I'm sorry," she told Mom, "but we're out of french toast." Mom thought for a moment before asking if she could have eggs, toast and a glass of milk. The waitress nodded, and as she turned to leave, Mom added, "But just before you bring it to me, beat the eggs and milk together, dip the bread in it and fry it on the griddle for two minutes on each side."

*Thanks, SalTCBug!

Marriage...

Hospital Chart Bloopers

Actual entries from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities