For My Friends

 

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Did You Know...

... the Wicked Witch of the West wasn't always evil? Elphaba (the birth name of the previously mentioned witch) had every intention of using her magic powers to make the world a better place- finding love for her sister (correctly guessed as the Wicked Witch of the East) and saving her love crush from a tragic end.

The result of her screw up was the Tin Man and the Scarecrow. Later frustrated that her attempts at creating her own fantasy miserably failed, Elphaba vowed a life of evil. Of course, there is way more to the story, but the moral here is that you can save yourself a lot of grief by letting the natural course of things unfold.

IL DIVO

 

In 2001, an idea was conceived for a mould breaking quartet: 4 exceptional young men with formally trained voices who could take popular songs, old and new, to another level where the historic rift between pop and classical music is finally healed. The band were born in December 2003 after a worldwide search and christened Il Divo Note: this is an Italian word meaning ‘Divine Performer - or a male Diva’. Their multi-national identity reflects the universal appeal of the music.

Reflecting the multi-national character of the group, the songs are not all sung in English - but drift between Spanish, English and Italian. However they are worded, all use the emotional Esperanto of love.

Did I mention Il Divo is H-O-T! ? GOTO: IL DIVO's Official Site

IF "GOD" EXISTS

 

 

"GOD" ALLOWS EVIL 

"GOD" IS POWERLESS 

"GOD" IS A SADIST 

"GOD" IS BLIND 

"GOD" IS UNFEELING 

HE/SHE IS NOT MY "GOD" MY GODDESS AND GOD KNOW THE LIMITS OF THEIR POWER... THEY CANNOT HELP, NOR DO I EXPECT THAT FROM THEM. MY GODDESS/GOD HAVE NEVER PROMISED THAT WHICH THEY CANNOT DELIVER. MY GODDESS/GOD HAVE NOT LIED TO ME.  

I WAS TAUGHT THE 'OTHER' "GOD" IS GOOD. HE/SHE IS NOT... CANNOT DOES NOT EXIST... PFFT!

The top 10 deadliest animals

 

Pythons 0.5 deaths per year


Hogs 0.6 deaths per year


Tigers 0.6 deaths per year


Elephants 1.0 death per year


Birds 5.2 deaths per year


Insects 8.4 deaths per year


Dogs 16 deaths per year


Cattle 28.4 deaths per year


Deer 130 deaths per year


Horses, 219 annual deaths to humans in accidents and other incidents

--Note that the most scary animals count for the LEAST number of deaths... and it's funny that "Alabamius Redneckus " does not hit the list... (Use Google to look that one up! ;-)

Puerto Vallarta

 

Puerto Vallarta has become the hottest gay destination in Mexico.

Long sandy beaches filled with hot men from around the world, beautiful romantic ocean and mountain views, and a wide array of clubs and restaurants are like a pink magnet to Puerto Vallarta.

Situated on Mexico's west coast it is a popular stopping off point for gay cruises adding to the ever changing panorama of hunky men.

It is hard to believe that only a few years ago Puerto Vallarta was a small town based on agriculture and fishing.  

All that changed in 1963, when Hollywood director John Huston chose his site for the filming of Tennessee Williams' "The Night of the Iguana"  

Since then the population has grown from 12,500 to around 250,000 in 2002.

Yet, despite its rapid-fire growth Puerto Vallarta has managed to retain its charm.  Cobblestone streets and white stucco houses give the old city a lovely European charm.  

Wandering around on foot is easy, and Puerto Vallarta is one of the safest cities in North America.  

There are plenty of wonderful gay hotels and bed and breakfasts.  One of my favorites is Villa David, a lovely B&B at 348 Calle Galeana y Miramar.

Located in a quiet neighborhood it is within easy walking distance of all the finest attractions in Puerto Vallarta.  

The hacienda-style home is built around a central courtyard in Gringo Gulch on the hillside overlooking the beautiful Bay of Banderas.

The popular Los Muertos Beach is approximately a ten-minute walk for daylight swimming, sunning and entertainment.

Puerto Vallarta night life is centered on the Malecon (Boardwalk) area which is also within easy walking distance, saving time as well as bus or taxi fare and providing a chance to enjoy the beautiful city on foot.

Staying in the town allows an opportunity to interface with the friendly Mexican people.

*by John David Wilson III, 365Gay.com Travel Editor

That's My Boy!

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class. "

His father sends the money.

The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that  little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy"

Birds Do It.. Bees Do It...

 

 Even The Cows Do It!

R.I.P. Kevin Conroy (1955 - 2022)

Kevin Conroy, the man behind the gravelly bass voice of Batman and who popularized that unmistakable growl that separated Bruce Wayne from the Caped Crusader, has died, according to his representative Gary Miereanu. He was 66.

DC Comics also confirmed the news.

Camilla Queen

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Listen to the mp3 here.

 

R.I.P. Gallagher (1946 - 2022)

Gallagher, the inventive prop comedian known for smashing watermelons as part of his act, died Friday of organ failure, his former manager Craig Marquardo confirmed to Variety. He was 76.

Gallagher had been in hospice care in California after suffering multiple heart attacks in recent years.

Prayer of Passage

 

For My Mom

Oh Goddess
There is great sadness
A cherished one has gone

Emptyness engulfs me
Loss languishes within
Help me bear this grief

Accompany their spirit
Comfort I who grieve
Let me rejoice in their life

May their essence be recorded
In the Great Book of Shadows
Renew my rememberance with joy

Remembrance Day; The 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month

 

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What Mom Took

 

Most often when I think of you,
I think of what You've given
The softness of a loving touch, a gentle
guide for living,
A nightly tip toe in a room, an
understanding look

You've gone to where I can't see you Mom,
But I will feel you every day
I can't help but be sad, for the world, Mom
For I feel your time was cut too short
Many more years you should've had left to stay
But in my heart you will live much longer
And never go away

But sometimes when I think of You……
I think of what you took.
You took a child and taught him how to live his
life with pride.

You took his kindergarten tears and kept them deep inside.
You took the hands that longed to hold
her child and not let go,
Used them to push her child along the way,
to thrive and grow.

You took time to do some other things,
like sew and clean and cook,
And never thought to ask for thanks.
For all the things you took.

Thanks Mom

Deer Hunting

 

Chinese Food

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

You're going to love this....................

" Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peking Duck."

Freaky!

This is freaky, interesting and scary all in one!

   VERY INTERESTING -

   1. The garden of Eden was in Iraq.

   2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!

   3. Noah built the ark in Iraq.

   4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq

   5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq!

   6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq!

   7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq.

   8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq.

   9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel.

   10. Amos cried out in Iraq!

   11. Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem.

   12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq!

   13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the fiery furnace!)

   14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq.

   15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq.

   16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq.

   17. The wise men were from Iraq.

   18. Peter preached in Iraq.

   19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon, which was a city in Iraq!

   And you have probably seen this one. Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is Iraq! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible.. The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia. The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. The name Iraq, means country with deep roots.

   Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.

   No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated it than Iraq.

THE HIGHEST BRIDGE IN THE WORLD !!!!

There was a really good documentary on the construction of this bridge on Discovery or TLC some time ago. It is located in southern France, and is the highest bridge in the world. It is a truly amazing piece of engineering, especially considering the method used to span the distance between the piers.  Click on the images for a larger version

Be sure to maximize your screen for this. They haven't printed enough money to pay me to drive across this bridge!! It is 787 feet above the ground... equal to a 79 Floor building.

Boobies!!

 NSFW

Click here.

Canada To Invade Mars

Canada announces plans to invade Mars with weather station acclimatized to freezing temperatures, lack of intelligent life. Station was tested in Winnipeg, so scientists confidently assured it will work...

 "Winterpeg"

What we have here is a complete lack of respect for our war Veterans...

 

I am disappointed at the retail industry. After Halloween we look towards the next major holiday - Christmas. However, I always held the belief that there is one very important day that falls between Halloween and Christmas - Remembrance Day - November 11th.

You go into any retail store today and they are all displaying some kind of Christmas motif. Some VERY tacky decorations at that (Superstore and Westfair comes to mind here). I find this insulting to those that gave their lives in the various wars so that we could be free and live in a free world.

My belief is that there should be NO CHRISTMAS decorations of ANY kind (including lights on private houses), PRIOR to the end of the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month.

Sure, folks are wearing poppies, but do they stop to think of why they are wearing them? It's not to glamorize the war - nor that war is the way to peace, but rather to HONOUR fellow citizens that gave the ultimate sacrifice - they gave their lives so that WE CAN be free.

Lets start a movement - It's easy - go into the store, ask to see the management and tell them of your displeasure of the decorations/Christmas stock set up prior to Remembrance Day.

Say NO to Christmas decorations prior to November 11th!

It's time we taught them a lesson. Without the Veterans, the stores themselves may not even exist!

I salute our war dead. That is why I shall wear my poppy and why I will remain displeased about decorating stores PRIOR to November 11th.

The attraction to Wicca

 

 

Study of unique religion boosts this believer's sense of self

Dauna Ditson
The Regina Sun
October 30, 2005

While youngsters are collecting candy on Halloween dressed as scary witches and goblins, modern-day witches – called Wiccans – will be celebrating the dead.
      
Tammy, a Wiccan who asked that her last name not be revealed because she "hasn't fully come out of the broom-closet yet," said she and her coven – a congregation of Wiccans – will welcome Samhain, the day of the dead, with a ceremony in remembrance of their ancestors.

People who aren't familiar with pagan spirituality often have misconceptions of what Wicca is, said Tammy. Contrary to pop culture, Wiccans do not serve, or even believe in, the devil, demons, or hell, she said, although they do believe in gods.

All religions worship the same divine being, but have their own ways of interpreting that being, Tammy said.  Because of those differences, she said "I would feel uncomfortable if a Christian was praying for my soul."

Tammy uses magic.  In her opinion, performing spells is no creepier than praying, because it's just asking a spiritual power for help, she said. Tammy said she does a variety of spells, including spells for healing, protection, fertility, and money.

Wiccans are very cautious with their spells, she pointed out. They are not allowed to use magic to hurt others or themselves.  As well, she never does spells on other people without their permission, she said.

Many Wiccans believe their actions have karma-like consequences.  Magic done to others comes back three times stronger on the one who performed the spell, Tammy explained. Because spells can have consequences, Tammy said, "you have to make sure know what you want before you ask for it."

Tammy's described a situation during which her fellow Wiccans' magic go out of control.  Several individual Wiccans performed weather spells on a hot summer day, she said, asking for relief from the heat.  But because so many of them did the spell, thinking they were doing it on their own, the spells backfired caused a big storm, Tammy said.

Because she never knows exactly what will happen, Tammy said she prefers to avoid the more controversial spells like those for weather or love. Tammy described herself as quite a skeptical person, but added that she's experienced magic "one too many times to not believe."

For example, after her friend did a fertility spell, the woman because pregnant with twins.  And after Tammy did a spell on her husband, he got the promotion she asked for, she said.

Tammy grew up as a Roman Catholic and went to church with her grandparents.  When she was around 12 or 13, she said she stopped going to church because no one could answer her questions.  Around this time, Tammy said she because curious about the occult and the supernatural world. After studying many religions, Tammy decided to become a Wiccan 10 years ago.

Wicca is a form of pagan spirituality that involves worshiping a god and goddess, celebrating nature and the seasons, and taking care of the earth, she explained.  Wiccans honour their god and goddess when they perform acts like composting, feeding the birds, and volunteering in the community.  While recognizing the elements of fire, water, earth, air, and spirit, Tammy summoned air, and said suddenly "it was like somebody put the air-conditioning on."

She said her experiences while worshipping vary.  For example, sometimes she sees a lady in white, feels someone holding her hands, or just feels there's a presence near her. Tammy said she appreciates being part of a coven because talking with others helps validate her own experiences.  "It makes you feel better because then you don't think you're crazy," she said.

Tammy said she enjoys how empowering Wicca is and feels more in control of her life since discovering her spiritual side.

"I have more of a sense of myself", she said, explaining that being Wiccan has improved her self-esteem because now she has a supernatural support system.

Ghost Car

READ THE STORY FIRST BEFORE YOU PLAY THE VIDEO

---Strange but interesting---

This is a car advertisement from Great Britain. When they finished filming the ad, the film editor noticed something moving along the side of the car,like a ghostly white mist.

They found out that a person had been killed a year earlier in that exact same spot.The ad was never put on TV because of the unexplained ghostly phenomenon. Watch the front end of the car as it clears the trees in the middle of the screen and you'll see the white mist crossing in front of car then following it along the road....Spooky! Is it a ghost, or is it simply mist?

You decide.
If you listen to the ad you'll even hear the cameraman whispering the background about it near the end of the commercial. A little creepy.

You Heard It Here First!

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. But are we sure they're blinking? Maybe they're winking!

 This one blinks with both eyes! LOL!

New View Of Hurricane Wilma - from the archives

 

Native Woman Assasin

The CIA had an opening for a female assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 women finalists... a white woman, an black woman and a Cree Indian woman.
 
For the final test, the CIA agent took the White woman and handed her a gun...

We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Kill him." The White woman said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my husband." The agent said, "Then you're not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home"
 
The Black woman, was given the same instruction. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then she came out with tears in her eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my husband". The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home."
 
Finally, it was the Cree Indian woman's turn. She was given the same instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard... one shot after the other. They heard SCREAMING, CRASHING, AND BANGING ON THE WALLS. After a few minutes, all was quiet, the door opened slowly and there stood the Cree Indian woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.... "This gun is loaded with blanks!!" she said. "So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

New Transportation

 

With gas prices going up, I had to purchase a new form of transportation...  "Cow-Asaki"

The 50 Least Likely Things You'll Hear at a Wal-Mart.

 

 

1) "Thank you."
2) "We can actually move in the Receiving bay."
3) "May I help you?"
4) "I love my job."
5) "Yes, the manager's here, hard at work."
6) "Wow. I got paid more than I thought I would."
7) "The customer is always right, so here's your refund."
8) "Take five."
9) "I'm worried about the store manager- I'm afraid that he's working himself to death."
10) "Try the snack bar. They have the best food you've ever had."

11) "Why would I want to leave here for a better paying job?"
12) "These valuable career skills will get me far in life."
13) "Well done."
14) "The manager will be in any minute. I can hardly wait."
15) "The bathroom is so clean, I think I'll eat my lunch there."
16) "There's no one named Bubba or Earline that works here."
17) "Hello, I'm the manager. How may I resolve your problem?"
18) "Let me get that for you."
19) "We're almost out of Bibles and Star Wars merchandise."
20) "Why are you so happy?" 

21) "I'm bringing my little girl with me tomorrow for 'Bring Your Daughter to Work Day' and she's so excited!"
22) "My kid said yesterday that when he grows up, he wants to work here, too."
23) "Who was that nice young associate who'd helped me?"
24) "After I aced my aptitude tests, the counselor said that I'd be best suited for either rocket science, neurology, or working at a Wal-Mart. Obviously, I made the right choice."
25) "I've never been sexually harassed or have had sex with any member of store management."
26) "I'm going to Europe this summer for my vacation."
27) "Don't these little blue vests look adorable?"
28) "I talked my friend into leaving his six figure a year job to work here."
29) "…and when I told the loan officer that I worked for Wal-Mart, he immediately wrote out the check right there in the bank."
30) "This store has been here a year already and not one customer has brought a personal injury suit against us."

31) "We have too many cashiers on duty."
32) "Yes, I can fix that problem."
33) "I always thought that I had to work until I was 65, but thanks to Wal-Mart, I can put in for early retirement."
34) "…and the manager listened with rapt attention to every word I said."
35) "Thank God I rejected Microsoft's and IBM's offers to come in on the ground floor and went to work for Wal-Mart, instead."
36) "I can see myself here twenty years from now."
37) "I can see myself here a year from now."
38) "What I love about being a/an (insert any job title) is the variety and challenge."
39) "God, that last CBL was murder!"
40) "At our last high school reunion, my wife rubbed it everyone's faces that I work for Wal-Mart."

41) "So I stood up and said, 'I don't care how much money you offer me, Mr. Gates; Wal-Mart can beat your offer.'"
42) "…and after my surgery, the manager told me not to come in until I could walk."
43) "Everything they say in the Wal-Mart commercials is true."
44) "Where do you people come by this high quality help?"
45) "My kid never tells his friends that I work here; He hates to brag."
46) "Whenever I feel blue, I just remind myself that I work at Wal-Mart."
47) "Isn't Wal-Mart culture and haute culture kind of the same thing?"
48) "It's amazing, isn't it, how Wal-Mart can do so well and still co-exist with a thriving downtown?"
49) "…so, based on your excellent performance review, I'm raising your rate of pay so that it actually exceeds the cost of living."
50) "What do you know! They actually are as friendly, attractive and relatively sane as in the commercials!"

42 Below

 
Uses Flash

Speakers on please. Click above

Pumpkin Heads

 
A truly amazing site!

Click above

R.I.P. Aaron Carter (1987 - 2022)

Aaron Carter, the singer-rapper who began performing as a child and had hit albums starting in his teen years, was found dead Saturday at his home in Southern California. He was 34.

Representatives for Carter's family confirmed the singer's death. His fiance, Melanie Martin, asked for privacy as the family grieves.

Daylight Savings Time Ends

Daylight Savings Ends For You.. Not here in Saskatoon, tho... We never change!

Hope you enjoy your one more hour of sleep, lucky stiffs!!! Put yer clock back an hour, eh?

Daylight savings time has been starting on the first Sunday in April, ending on the last Sunday in October, but that's changed due to a little man...

Date change in 2007

On August 8, 2005, President George W. Bush signed the Energy Policy Act of 2005. This Act changed the time change dates for Daylight Saving Time in the U.S. Beginning in 2007, DST will begin on the second Sunday of March and end the first Sunday of November. The Secretary of Energy will report the impact of this change to Congress. Congress retains the right to revert the Daylight Saving Time back to the 2005 time schedule once the Department of Energy study is complete.

Some of you are still paying that price 

Inside Information

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," said the owner.

"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "what's the bad news?"

With concern, the gallery owner replied: "The guy was your doctor." 

Don't split your sides

Here is a joke:

"A Scotsman ran into the street to pick up a penny and was knocked down and killed by a lorry. The coroner returned a verdict of death by natural causes."

Here is another joke, about the death of Diana, Princess of Wales:

"Diana, Queen of Hearts? More like off with her head."

If you think these can't be jokes because they're not funny, you are wrong. They are quoted as examples in The Right to Joke, just published by the Social Affairs Unit and written by Christie Davies, described as "Britain's leading academic expert on jokes".

If you haven't heard them before, it is because, according to Professor Davies, they have been censored by the media, which is in thrall to the political correctness of "liberal egalitarianism".

If you don't find them funny, you are wielding "hegemonic cultural power" and trying to suppress "a true expression of independent popular culture". Honest. This is no laughing matter.

Snapdragons

Research

Recent research shows that there are 5 kinds of sex.
 
The 1st kind of sex is Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
 
The 2nd kind of sex is Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
 
The 3rd kind of sex is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your bedroom.
 
The 4th kind of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "F**k You."
 
The 5th kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your husband any more. You take take him to court and screw him in front of everyone!

WestJet Stories

 

* West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta.

West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety  lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

**On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight  attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture  here,  find a seat and get in it!"



**On another West Jet Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the  pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and  will  be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance  the appearance of your flight attendants."



**On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. "If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."



**"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of  this airplane."



**"Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."



**As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"



**After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."



**From a West Jet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."



**"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."



**Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines."



**"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."



**"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.. Please do not leave children or spouses."



**And from the pilot during his welcome message: "West Jet Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"



**Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,  and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."



**Overheard on an West Jet Airlines flight into Regina, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"



**Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

**"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


**An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said  that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"



**After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,  we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."



**Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet Airways."



**Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."



**A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal, The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

Four-year-old Johnny was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor. He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said, "No, Johnny, you can't eat that now it has germs."

Johnny pondered the thought a moment and replied, "Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus - that's all I ever hear about and I haven't seen one of 'em yet!"

 

Sex before marriage is considered a sin...

Sex after marriage is considered a miracle!

 

Did you hear about the angler who baited his hook with peanut butter?

All he would catch was jellyfish!

 

A dentist married a manicurist...

They fought tooth and nail.

Me: "The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches."

Wife: "Okay, just throw them out."

[Later]

Me (helping the kids pack a suitcase): “Look, I’m just as surprised as you are.” 

 

"A-A-R-P, I wanna join the A-A-R-P..."

"Hey Joe, what's that you're singing?"

"I'm one of the Retirement Village People, and I'm practising for our upcoming concert!"

Dating is like travelling on a bicycle. If you don’t like the journey, you can get off anytime.

Marriage is like travelling by airplane. Once you’re in, you can’t get off that easy.

Texas Chilli Contest

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank)- Holy snot what the devil is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - JERRYS AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure, what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - HANKS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
Judge # 2 A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting green-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 SANDIES LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really made me mad that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Stupid rednecks phoneys

CHILI # 6 - JOHNS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my hiny with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 -PATS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3 appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach

CHILI # 8 - RANDYS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
Judge #3 No Report

Saskatoon Joke

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.

This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Saskatoon and I worked both sides of the river."

The Brick

Read this today and don't forget to pass it on, even if you are too busy!! You'll see...

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop..." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother, "he said "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.

A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:

"Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!"

God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.

Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

Send this post to every "beautiful person" you wish to bless.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

New Cure

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. 

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" 

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." 

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" 

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Lego Church

 

It amazes me that there is always someone in the world that has so much
time on their hands! It still makes you wonder how many millions of
Legos it took.

I have included this last one to show you the size.

Colorectal Surgeon Sing-a-long

 

Start by downloading the song by clicking here.
Start singing when the song starts!



We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine



Respect the colorectal surgeon
It's a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let's all do the finger wave



When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks
Some may think the cardiologist
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows...
He'll get you in the end!



Why the colorectal surgeon?
It's one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession
There are always openings?



When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, "Hey nice to meet you
But do you mind? We don't shake hands."



He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh but he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages
A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play
But this is not quite what he meant...
By eighteen holes a day!



Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine!

 

*Been told it's by Bowser and Blue

The Top Five Smart -A$$ Answers of The Year

 

Smart-Ass Answer #5 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead." 

Smart-Ass Answer #4 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." 

Smart-Ass Answer #3 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." 

Smart-Ass Answer #2 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."  

Smart-Ass Answer #1 THE SMART-ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR "THE TEACHER" A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"! A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you will have to write the exam with your other hand.

A Big Croc 'o Sh*t!!

 

New Orleans Crocodile Found After Katrina

ANYONE WITH KIDS OR GRAND KIDS SHOULD READ THIS.

I am meth. This was written by a young girl who was in jail for drug charges, and was addicted to meth. She wrote this while in jail. As you will  soon read, she fully grasped the horrors of the drug, as she tells in this simple, yet Profound poem. She was released from jail, but, true to her  story, the drug owned her. They found her dead not long after, with the needle still in her arm.

Please keep praying. This thing is worse than any of us realize...

I am Meth


I destroy homes, I tear families apart,
I take your children, and that's just the start.

I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold,
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.

If you need me, remember I'm easily found,
I live all around you - in schools and in town

I live with the rich, I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab, but not like you think,
I can be made under the kitchen sink.

In your child's closet, and even in the woods,
If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.

I have many names, but there's one you know best,
I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.

My power is awesome, try me you'll see,
But if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go,
But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,
You do what you have to -- just to get high.

The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.

You'll lie to your mother, you'll steal from your dad,
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.

But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.

I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate friends.

I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,
I'll be with you always -- right by your side.


You'll give up everything - your family, your home,
Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.

I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give,
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.

If you try me be warned - this is no game,
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.

I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind,
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.

The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.

But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
That you are mine, and we shall not part.

You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
But you came to me, not I to you.

You knew this would happen, many times you were told,
But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.

You could have said no, and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?

I'll be your master, you will be my slave,
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.

Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.

I can bring you more misery than words can tell,
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.