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Living In Saskatchewan

 

What Me Worry?

 

TWO PRIESTS

Two priests die and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, Sorry, can't get you in at the moment. Computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but not as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest chooses to go back as an "eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"Done," says St. Peter, and asks the second his choice.

"With the computer down, this won't stay on record, right?" the priest asks.

"Right," says St. Peter.

"Great! In that case, I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter. "Off you go."


A week later, the computer fixed, the Lord asks St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Not a problem with the first," says St. Peter.

"He's soaring over the Rockies. But the second one could prove more difficult."

"Why?" asks the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Winnipeg."

Diary of a Snow Shoveler...

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window atching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the god damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she?s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

THE BEST EVER BELLY BUTTON TATTOO

 

Ya just have to ask......

 

Google Takes Over The World...

Trending on the internet the last few days

Xi Jinping

The Forgetful Drunk

For years we have heard about the health benefits of moderate drinking.  Now there's a study that says even a little alcohol on a regular basis can be dangerous.

The study, by researchers at Johns Hopkins University, shows that low to moderate drinking may cause a loss of brain tissue in middle-age people.

The researchers also found that such alcohol consumption does not lower the risk of a stroke - contradicting findings from previous studies.

"I think this is an interesting study because people talk about the beneficial effects of alcohol intake on cardiovascular disease and they try to extend that to stroke," said the study's lead researcher, Dr. Jingzhong Ding, a research associate at the Bloomberg School of Public Health at Johns Hopkins. "Some studies find beneficial effects, but ours didn't."

Heavy drinking is known to raise the risk of both brain atrophy and stroke, but findings on the effects of low to moderate drinking have varied.

Ding and his colleagues evaluated 1,909 patients, ages 55 and older, from North Carolina and Mississippi who were participants in a study on the buildup of plaque in the arteries. Researchers used information collected between 1987 and 1989 and followed up every three years until 1995.

Using magnetic resonance imaging, or MRIs, researchers measured the patients' ventricular and sulcal areas - voids of the brain containing only cerebrospinal fluid. Increased ventricular and sulcal size indicates a reduction in brain tissue, or atrophy.

The findings showed that both voids grew larger the more people drank.

Ding said researchers cannot make a definitive cause-and-effect link between drinking and brain atrophy because the MRIs were done only once during the study and because they found only a small reduction in tissue.

Crabby Old Woman?

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was believed that she had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Ireland.

The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health.

A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet:

Crabby Old Woman



What do you see, nurses?
What do you see?
What are you thinking
When you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman,
Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit,
With faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food
And makes no reply

When you say in a loud voice,
"I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice
The things that you do,
And forever is losing
A stocking or shoe?

Who, resisting or not,
Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding,
The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse,
You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am
As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding,
As I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten
With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters,
Who love one another.


A young girl of sixteen
With wings on her feet
Dreaming that soon now
A lover she'll meet.


A bride soon at twenty,
My heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows
That I promised to keep

At twenty-five now,
I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide
And a secure happy home.


A woman of thirty,
My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other
With ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons
Have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me
To see I don't mourn.


At fifty once more,
Babies play round my knee,
Again we know children,
My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me,
My husband is dead,
I look at the future,
I shudder with dread.


For my young are all rearing
Young of their own,
And I think of the years
And the love that I've known.


I'm now an old woman
And nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age
Look like a fool.


The body, it crumbles,
Grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone
Where I once had a heart.


But inside this old carcass
A young girl still dwells,
And now and again,
My battered heart swells.


I remember the joys,
I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living
Life over again.

I think of the years
All too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact
That nothing can last.


So open your eyes, people,
Open and see,
Not a crabby old woman;
Look closer . . . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . . we will all, one day, be there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM. IT'S SOMETHING WE ALL NEED TO READ.

2021 List of Banished Words

 

SURREAL – One part opiate of the masses, 13 parts overuse. Oddly, news anchor and television small talk is becoming more surreal. “Dreams are surreal, not daily adjectives.” – Tracy from Murray, Ky.  

HUNKER DOWN – To brace oneself, in anticipation of media onslaught. Trotted out in reports about everything from politics to hurricanes. “I have a hankering to ban all of this hunkering.” – Kate Rabe Forgach, Fort Collins, Colo. 

PERSON OF INTEREST – Found within the context of legal commentary, but seldom encountered at cocktail parties. “People with guns want to talk with you.” – Melissa Carroll from Greensboro, NC. “Does this mean the rest of us are too boring to deal with?” – Patricia Johnson from Mechanicsville, Va.  

COMMUNITY OF LEARNERS – A five-dollar phrase on a nickel-errand. Value-added into many higher education mission statements. “Not to be confused with ‘school.'” – Jim Howard from Mishawa, Ind.  

UP OR DOWN VOTE – A casualty of today's partisanship. No discussion on this one; the committee just tossed a coin. “I see a bright future for ex-senators as elevator operators.” — Allan Dregseth, Fargo, ND.  

BREAKING NEWS – Once it stopped presses. Now it's a lower-intestinal condition brought about by eating dinner during newscasts. “Now they have to interrupt my supper to tell me that Katie Holmes is pregnant.” — Michael Raczko, Swanton, Ohio.  

DESIGNER BREED – Many nominators consider this a bastardization of dog breeding. It may be a good line to use on angry neighbors when an un-neutered dog escapes. “When you mate a miniature schnauzer to a toy poodle, it's not a ‘Schnoodle,' it's a mongrel.” – George Bullerjahn, Bowling Green, Ohio.  

FEMA – Dedicated to the memory of a great federal agency consigned to the ash heap of parody. “If they don't do anything, we don't need their acronym.” – Josh Hamilton, Tucson, Ariz.  

FIRST-TIME CALLER – Preamble often heard on talk radio. “I am serious in asking: who in any universe gives a care?” – Miguel McCormick, Orlando, Fla.  

PASS THE SAVINGS ON TO YOU! – Marketing catch phrase that became a lost-leader long ago. “Read: Pass the markup along to you.” – C. W. Estes, Roanoke, Tex.  

97% FAT FREE – Adventures in delusion. “Still has 3% fat . . . accept it.” – Andrew Clucas, Canberra, Australia.  

AN ACCIDENT THAT DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN – Best-laid mayhem. “This means some accidents need to happen, for whatever reason, I can't figure.” — Thomas Price, Orlando, Fla.  

JUNK SCIENCE –Banished from the Marketplace of Ideas. “It's not scientists who are using this phrase so much as the people who practice junk politics.” – Ron LaLonde, Inuvik, Northwest Territories, Canada. 

GIT-ER-DONE – (Any of its variations) It's overdone. “There's no escaping it. It's everywhere, from TV to T-shirts,” says Amanda Tikkanen of LaGrange, Ind. “Please tell me when we're done with this one.” 

DAWG – No designer breed here. Someone should wash out this Spot. “Even parents are starting to use it!” – complains Mrs. Swartz's Fifth Grade Class in Church Road, Va. “This is species confusion.” – Rob Bowers, Santa Clara, Calif. “Don't call me ‘dawg'! I'm not your pet!” – Michael Swartz, Albuquerque, NM.  

TALKING POINTS – Cover your ears! “Topics which will please those you want to impress.” – Michele Mooney, Van Nuys, Calif. Joe Wonsetler of Swanton, Ohio, believes the phrase was created after PR staffers stopped attending seminars on how to put a positive ‘spin' on their press releases.  

HOLIDAY TREE – Many salvoes were fired during this past season's “war on Christmas.” At the risk of jumping into the breach, the committee feels that “Holiday tree” is a silly name for what most folks hold as a Christmas tree, no matter your preference of religion. Thank goodness we all agree on the first day of winter.

TRUE or FALSE?

 

The first woman to receive a pension from the U.S. government as a disabled soldier, Margaret Cochran Corbin, was wounded in the American Civil War.




Corbin was wounded in the American Revolutionary War. Her husband, John, joined the Continental Army when the American Revolution began, and Margaret accompanied him—as was the custom for women of the day—washing, cooking, and nursing. When British and Hessian troops attacked Fort Washington, New York, on November 16, 1776, John and his gunner were killed. Margaret took over loading and firing the cannon until she was wounded by grapeshot that tore her shoulder, chest, and jaw. She never recovered use of her left arm, and in 1779 was awarded a pension for her distinguished bravery.

Hehe - An oldie but a goodie!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.

Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding 'General Partnership Faults'! (GPF's.) Your Wife 1.0 does a scan for GPF's during it's monthly program maintenance scan (PMS). You must assume joint responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF's are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YESDEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you share the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), and Do Bills 4.2. You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen. WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,

Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

This is a common mistake made by people who are not aware of the other alternative packages available. Since they are not advertised widely, very few people realize that they can install PolyPartner 3.0 and get many of the benefits of both Girlfriend 7.0, and Wife 1.0. It should be noted, however that, though PolyPartner 3.0 provides a significant amount of system interoperability it is NOT a "low maintenance" application. There is significant work to making this package work, just as there is if you were to switch from Windows to Linux - a learning curve that requires frequent updates to the manual and constant communication with the various applications.

For example, once you install PolyPartner 3.0, you can still run Girlfriend 7.0, but you will need to perform a setup procedure with PolyPartner 3.0 so that both applications will understand each other, and how they are to inter-operate. Still, once the set up procedure is in place, you can enjoy both systems, either separately or together. To maintain this usage level, frequent tweaking of the inter-operation rule database may be required, but this is possible for the highly motivated. Over time, the typical user will learn the quirks to running these applications and might even want to upgrade to the TRIAD 2.5 level of software that transforms PolyPartner 3.0 and Girlfriend 7.0 into one seamless working unit with tremendous benefits for the user and the system. But, as I said, this option is not commonly known, and in fact, has been actively discouraged by the sellers of the Fundamentalist Society 8.5 software package.

Personally, I think this package is highly overrated. It has so many obscure and unjustified rules for usage; the license agreement seems to have been written by a medieval inquisitor; and the options offered are so limited that I can't imagine anyone being really happy using it. But to each his own... your mileage may vary... caveat emptor... carpe diem... et al disclaimers..

Here's evidence of another stupid tech support person unaware of PolyPartner 3.0...

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. At the command line, try entering C:\ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or re-install another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Regards,
Tech Support

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop....." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother, "he said "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.

Thought for the Day: If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

Ask The Wizard (Spyware 101)

Dear Wizard of 'OZ',

I think I may have spyware on my computer. It has been freezing up and the internet runs real slow. According to my anti-virus, (Up to date), I have a clean machine. What exactly is spyware, how do I recognize it, and how do I get rid of it?

Signed,

Sick of spyware

Dear Future Spyware Detective,

What is “Spyware”?

Forget spam, viruses, and hacker attacks..."spyware" is now the single largest problem facing Internet users today. These nasty little rogue programs have become so widespread and so viral, their volume far outstrips spam and regular virus infections. The spyware problem has grown to such an immense breadth and depth, we cannot even agree on what to call it.

Most people historically call these rogue programs "spyware", because the problem originated in the 1990's with programs that secretly observed and logged your web surfing habits. The problem, however, has now evolved into dozens of other malicious forms, including sneakware, adware, keyloggers, browser hijackers, porn servers, trojans and worms

Today, spyware is being redefined as a much larger category of rogue software called "malware", or malicious software programs.

At its most basic definition, spyware/malware is when insidious little software programs covertly install themselves on your computer, and then perform secret operations without your permission. Once in place, malware programs may do hundreds of nasty things to your computer. They will log your keystrokes, steal your passwords, observe your browsing choices, spawn pop-up windows, send you targeted email, redirect your web browser to phishing pages, report your personal information to distant servers, and serve up pornography. This malware will operate invisibly, often without displaying itself in your Task Manager. To top it off, malware usually refuses to be uninstalled through your control panel, and requires special tools to delete them from your drive. Yes, this is a direct cousin to viruses, but with a broader portfolio of wicked intentions.

What does Spyware/Malware specifically do to my computer?

Malware will perform a variety of nasty activities, ranging from simple email advertising all the way to complex identity-theft and password-stealing. New nasty functions are created every week by malware programmers, but the most common malware functions are:

1. Malware steals your personal information and address book (identity theft and keystroke-logging).

2. Malware floods your browser with pop-up advertising.

3. Malware spams your inbox with advertising email.

4. Malware slows down your connection.

5. Malware hijacks your browser and redirects you to an advertising or a phishing-con web page.

6. Malware uses your computer as a secret server to broadcast pornography files.

7. Malware slows down or crashes your computer.

Where does Spyware/Malware come from?

Spyware/malware programs are authored by clever programmers, and then delivered to your computer through covert Internet installs. Usually, malware will piggyback on innocent-looking web page components and otherwise-benign software such as game demos, MP3 players, search toolbars, software, free subscriptions, and other things you download from the web. Subscribing to online services is especially bad for getting malware. In particular, whenever you sign up for a so-called "free" service or install new software, you must accept an "end user license agreement" (EULA). The fine print of the EULA will often include the phrase "the vendor is allowed to install third-party software on your computer". Since most users don't bother to read this EULA fine print, they naively click "accept", and install malware out of sheer ignorance.

What kind of personal information does Spyware/Malware steal?

This varies from the non-confidential to the extremely-personal. The malware may simply steal a listing of your MP3s or recent website visits. Malware may also harvest your email address book. At its very worst, malware will steal your banking PIN, your eBay login, and your Paypal information (aka "keystroke logging" identity theft). Yes, spyware/malware is a very serious Internet problem that threatens everyone's personal privacy, and network administrators everywhere are deeply concerned.

How Do I Protect Myself from this 2005 Epidemic of Spyware/Malware?

Answer: Avoiding and destroying spyware is not instant, and it is not a one-time event like an innoculation. Instead, stopping spyware/malware is a long-term game that is exactly like cleaning dirt out of your home. You need constant vigilance, and a regular habit of cleaning malware out of your computer every week.

Note: Additionally, as an educated user, you must also adopt a "buyer beware" attitude whenever you install new software from the Net or even from CD...you need to read every end user license agreement on your screen before you click "accept".

Here is the checklist for detecting and destroying malware


1. Install two or three different anti-spyware programs ("spyware cleaners") on your computer, and update their definition lists regularly. Because every anti-spyware cleaner is imperfect, it is necessary to use combinations of these programs to catch the greatest breadth of malware.

Also, the anti-spyware manufacturers regularly add new entries to their "definition" lists, just like anti-virus software. Make sure to keep your spyware cleaners updated with these lists!

Click here for some recommendations for free, good checkers.

Spy-Bot - Search and Destroy
Lavasoft’s Ad-Aware SE, Personal Edition
Microsoft Windows Defender

2. Build a weekly habit of "scan and detect". Like cleaning house, this should be done every few days. At the very least, this should be done whenever you install new software. Many anti-spyware programs can be set to automatically perform scan-and-detect nightly.


3. Carefully read every EULA (end user license agreement) before clicking "accept". If you see the phrase "3rd-party software may be installed", make sure to follow the software install with a spyware cleaning.


4. Educate yourself on the latest strains of malware. In particular, start visiting these recommended anti-spyware sites, and update yourself on the latest malicious programs. 2 such sites are listed:

Spyware Guide Database
McAffee Threat Center


5. Save your data, and backup often! As much as it sounds like broken-record preaching, backing-up is how an intelligent user prepares for the worst. Backing up means: keep your original software CDs in a safe accessible place, constantly save copies of your important work files on CD or separate drives, and presume you will actually need them one day. This way, if you ever experience the extreme spyware circumstance of having to reformat your hard drive, you can at least recover your important work.


Hope this helps. $5 bucks, please!

Yrs,

The Wizard

"The Definition of a Freemason"

 

The real Freemason is distinguished from the rest of Mankind by the uniform unrestrained rectitude of his conduct. Other men are honest in fear of punishment which the law might inflect; they are religious in expectation of being rewarded, or in dread of the devil, in the next world. A Freemason would be just if there were no laws, human or divine except those written in his heart by the finger of his Creator. In every climate, under every system of religion, he is the same. He kneels before the Universal Throne of God in gratitude for the blessings he has received and humble solicitation for his future protection. He venerates the good men of all religions. He disturbs not the religion of others. He restrains his passions, because they cannot be indulged without injuring his neighbor or himself. He gives no offense, because he does not choose to be offended. He contracts no debts which he is certain he cannot discharge, because he is honest upon principle."

 

From the Farmer's Almanac, 1823

TRUE or FALSE?

 

The great “leap to freedom” in the dance world refers to Rudolf Nureyev’s daring escape from the Russian KGB at Le Bourget airport in Paris in 1961.






After defecting to the West, Nureyev quickly became a superstar of ballet, receiving wild acclaim on par with other counterculture heroes of the time, like Mick Jagger and Andy Warhol. He joined London’s Royal Ballet and partnered with Margot Fonteyn, giving new life to such classics as Giselle and Swan Lake. He died of AIDS complications in 1993.

Anorexic?

What do you see here?

 Do you see a little tune?

They are skier shadows. Look again!

The Bagworm Moth Caterpillar

The Bagworm Moth Caterpillar collects and saws little sticks to construct elaborate log cabins to live in.

Responsibility

 

Grief

 

At the theatre

 

R.I.P. Leon Spinks (1953-2021)

FORMER world heavyweight boxing champion Leon Spinks has died at the age of 67.

The man who beat the legendary Muhammad Ali had been battling prostate cancer for the last five years.

A lot of diamonds

Sven was out shopping in the mall when he met his friend Ole outside the jewelers. Ole noticed that Sven had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. 

"So vat have you just purchased Sven?" Ole asks. 

"Vell, now that you've asked," replies Sven, "it's my Lena's birthday tomorrow and ven I asked her this morning vat she vanted for her birthday she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, yust give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'" 

"So vat did you get her?" Ole asks. 

Sven replied, smiling, "I bought her a deck of cards."

A Perfect Gift For Her...

 

Riddle Me This!

What is this?

Click above for the answer.

Sightings the talk of 'sasquatch-ewan'

(CBC News) Sightings of a large hairy creature walking upright in Saskatchewan and Manitoba have sparked renewed interest in the legendary sasquatch.

CBC Saskatchewan radio host Tom Roberts said he's talked with people from the northern community of Deschambault Lake who say a resident saw a sasquatch-like creature on Saturday.

They say a woman from the village was driving to Prince Albert on Saturday afternoon when she saw a creature near the side of the highway at Torch River.

"She slowed down, thinking maybe a bear," Roberts said. "She stopped and watched … and saw it going alongside the hill and knew it was not a bear."

The woman continued driving until she was in cell phone range, then stopped to call home. She described seeing a large, "very hairy" creature that walked upright.

Later, several men from the village drove down to the area and found footprints, which they tracked through the snow. They found a tuft of brown hair and took photographs of the tracks, Roberts said.

Similar sighting
On Wednesday, following reports of the Saskatchewan incident, a man in Flin Flon, Man., reported that he had seen something similar in the summer.

Greg East said he was on a fishing trip with a friend, when they encountered a creature on the Manitoba side of the border.

"I looked over to the fellow driving the truck, a friend of mine, and said: 'What did you just see?' " East recalled. "His response, as he looked at me with a quizzical look on his face, was 'sasquatch?'"

East said he was afraid his friend was going to say that.

"I was sort of hoping he was going to say bear because I knew it didn't look like a bear, but I wanted some verification that I hadn't actually seen what I thought I saw," he said.

East described the creature as dark in colour, with dirty yellow patches over its face, chest and abdomen. It loped out of sight as they got closer.

John Bindernagel, a B.C.-based wildlife biologist who believes the creatures exist and has written extensively on the subject, said the Torch River sighting is intriguing. He said he would like to have a look at photographs of the tracks.

"The trail [of a Sasquatch] is different from a human and very different from a bear," he said.

Skeptics say it's preposterous that a large mammal could have evaded detection in North America throughout history, and note that despite all the alleged sightings, a sasquatch carcass has never been found.

TRUE or FALSE?

 

“The New Colossus,” the poem engraved on the plaque at the base of the Statue of Liberty, proclaiming “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...” was written by Walt Whitman.




The poem was written by a 34-year-old Jewish poet named Emma Lazarus in 1883 for a fund-raiser auction to build a pedestal for the Statue of Liberty. Lazarus’s 14-line sonnet was auctioned off for $21,500, an unheard-of sum for a short piece of poetry. It contrasts the Colossus of Rhodes, which portrayed the sun god Helios, with the guardian of America’s gateway, a nurturing woman called the “Mother of Exiles.”

The New Colossus

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,

With conquering limbs astride from land to land;

Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand

A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame

Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name

Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand

Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command

The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

"Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she

With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Do not focus too cloase

 

The Seamstress - A Parable

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes!" cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

ATTENTION

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE. YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST POSTING THIS TO SAY GOODBYE!

R.I.P. Christopher Plummer (1929-2021)

 

Actor Christopher Plummer dies at 91. 

Christopher Plummer, the acclaimed Canadian actor perhaps best known for his role in "The Sound of Music," has died. He was 91. The Oscar winner died at his home in Connecticut with Elaine Taylor, his wife and true best friend for 53 years, by his side, his manager confirmed to ABC News. "Chris was an extraordinary man who deeply loved and respected his profession with great old fashion manners, self deprecating humor and the music of words. He was a National Treasure who deeply relished his Canadian roots. Through his art and humanity, he touched all of our hearts and his legendary life will endure for all generations to come," Lou Pitt, his longtime friend and manager of 46 years, said in a statement.

Adventure With Grandma - A Neat Christmas Story

A little late... 

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was
just a kid. I remember tearing across town on my bike to
visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: "There
is no Santa Claus," she jeered. "Even dummies know that!"

My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to
her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I
knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the
truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed
with one of her world-famous cinnamon buns. I knew they were
world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.

Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites,
I told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa
Claus!" she snorted. "Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That
rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad,
plain mad. Now, put on your coat, and let's go."

"Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my
second world-famous, cinnamon bun. "Where" turned out to be
Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a
little bit of just about everything. As we walked through
its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle
in those days. "Take this money," she said, "and buy
something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the
car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's.

I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my
mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself.
The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling
to finish their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I
just stood there, confused, clutching that ten dollar bill,
wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.

I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my
neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my
church. I was just about thought out, when I suddenly
thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and
messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs.Pollock's
grade-two class. Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew
that because he never went out for recess during the winter.
His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he
had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn't have
a cough, and he didn't have a coat. I fingered the
ten dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy
Bobby Decker a coat!

I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It
looked real warm, and he would like that. "Is this a
Christmas present for someone?" the lady behind the counter
asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. "Yes," I
replied shyly. "It's .... for Bobby." The nice lady smiled at
me. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a bag
and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat in Christmas
paper and ribbons (a little tag fell out of the coat, and
Grandma tucked it in her Bible) and wrote, "To Bobby, From
Santa Claus" on it -- Grandma said that Santa always
insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to BobbyDecker's
house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever
officially one of Santa's helpers.

Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and
I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk.
Then Grandma gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she
whispered, "get going."

I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the
present down on his step, pounded his doorbell and flew back
to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. Together we waited
breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open.
Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.

Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent
shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker's bushes. That
night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus
were just what Grandma said they were: ridiculous.
Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.

I still have the Bible, with the tag tucked inside: $19.95.

"He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree."

Absolutely Cool! Jerome Murat

Public Displays of Affection

A kiss in the car; holding hands at the park; feeding each other at the dinner table... The love/hate relationship between people and public displays of affection is all a matter of perspective. To onlookers, seeing two people in constant skin-to-skin contact in public is indicative of bad taste. To the P.D.A. participants, the world has a population of two- them and their partner. All else is background.

Images of heterosexual P.D.A. have been implanted in our minds since many of us were old enough to stare aimlessly at the tube. Our families celebrated childhood P.D.A. as a cute boy/girl crush and the straight adults in our lives used it to solidify their relationships. However, seeing two strangers lip-locked is often taken as a gesture in bad taste that some believe should be confined to private areas. Does the same principle apply to same-gender-loving couples? Gay is OK... Just Don't Show It An old acquaintance of mine once told me, "I have no problem with gay people. They can do whatever they want. I just don't want it thrown in my face when I walk down the street." He was referring to gay men holding hands or kissing in public. (True acceptance doesn't come with restrictions, so needless to say we are no longer associated.) Is gay P.D.A. less likely to be accepted?

Before You Pull Out The Mistletoe... Some believe P.D.A. is more than a matter of taste, but safety. Todd X from Metroblogging San Francisco recalls being assaulted with a water bottle for his public display. "I was saying goodbye to a friend- one of those 'you should really come over to my place instead of going home alone' goodbyes. And, while trying to tempt the boy, a car drove by, the occupants yelled 'faggots' and tossed a bottle of Aquafina at us. Outrageous! I deserve to be bashed with Evian at least! Or Metromint."Interestingly enough, it's highly unlikely a heterosexual couple embracing in public would be accosted by a water bottle, regardless of the level of taste (no pun intended). Same-gender-loving people should have the same choice of faux pas without fear of violence, P.D.A. fans or not.

*Ramon Johnson, Your Guide To Gay Life