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Tuesday, January 07, 2020

Original thinker...

This student is a Genius! He got all the answers right and yet he scored 0% !

THE STUDENT OBTAINED 0% ON THIS EXAM.............

I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
** his last battle*

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
** at the bottom of the page*

Q3. River Ganges flows in which state?
** liquid*

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
** marriage*

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
** exams*

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
** Lunch & dinner*

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
**The other half*

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
** It will simply become wet*

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
**No problem, he sleeps at night.*

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
**You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..*

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples
and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
**Very large hands*

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take
four men to build it?
** No time at all, the wall is already built.*

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
**Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack**

BAD DAY AT THE OFFICE (COMPILATION REMIX)

Hmmmm

Health Warning


Simple Truths

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.

Monday, January 06, 2020

Truly Scary - Amazing mind reader reveals his 'gift'

THE LONELY OLD LADY AND THE FROG

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered , "I'M LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK....... AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS....







OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON......



SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.

She's old.....NOT DEAD

I am gay and Muslim

Up and coming artist (who happens to be gay)

Love Letter- H-O-T!

I shall seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I finish with you and you will be weak for days.


All my love,



(Scroll down)












The Flu


Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.

A WINTER FRIEND

This article is so befitting for all of us... take time to ponder... the last statement cannot be refuted:-


I FIRST STARTED READING THIS EMAIL AND WAS READING FAST UNTIL I REACHED THE THIRD SENTENCE. I STOPPED THEN AND STARTED OVER, READING SLOWER, AND THINKING ABOUT EVERY WORD... IT MAKES YOU STOP AND THINK.

So, please READ SLOWLY!

AND THEN IT IS WINTER
You know time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems like yesterday that I was young, just married, and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all those years went.

I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. But, here it is... the winter of my life, and it catches me by surprise... How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those "older people" were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting grey... they move slower and I see an older person in myself now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me... but, I see the great change... Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so... now I enter this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last... this I know, that when it's over on this earth... it's over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done... things I should have done, but indeed, there are also many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

So, if you're not in your winter yet... let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life, please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can TODAY, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!

You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life... so, LIVE FOR TODAY and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember.. and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

"Life" is a GIFT to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.

Remember: "It is Health that is real Wealth and not pieces of gold and silver."

~Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good.. coming home is even better!
~You forget names... but it's OK, because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.
~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep."
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"...???
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless?!"
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.

~But "Old" is good in some things:
Old Songs, Old movies ...
and best of all, our dear ...OLD FRIENDS!!

Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!"

Sunday, January 05, 2020

How Not To Take A Photo....

How Not To Take A Photo....

...and if you do... remember the 'NET is waiting!

Ain't it da truth!

Water Temp

Our Time to Shine

By Corey Hildebrand

Many years ago
On this prairie land we know
A settlement began
They heard the call of the land

Saskatoon Shines Their dedication gives us celebration
Their dreams set in motion all we have today

Saskatoon Shines Our time to shine
In our hearts and in our mind
Let the past one hundred years make us see

Saskatoon Shines Our city will stand tall
Saskatoon welcomes all
Let the spirit of the land set you free

'Cause this is our time to shine

People came from all around
The city grew by leaps and bounds
Stretched along the river far as the eye could see

Saskatoon Shines We saw their vision a city of bridges
Cultures joined together from the present to the past

Saskatoon Shines Our time to shine
In our hearts and in our mind
Let the past one hundred years make us see

Saskatoon Shines Our city will stand tall
Saskatoon welcomes all
Let the spirit of the land set you free

'Cause this is our time to shine


Corey Hildebrand - vocals, bass and guitar
Gordon Hildebrand - guitar
Geoff Hildebrand - drums
Recorded and mixed at Cosmic Pad Studios

What if...

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer."
~ Robin Tyler

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.
~ Charles Pierce

Dear Abby," In response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood.

'You could move.' 

~ Abigail Van Buren.

The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft, we can all declare we are homosexual instead of running off to Canada
~ Lorne Bloch

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"
~ Jon Stewart

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share.
~ Rita Mae Brown

Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons.
~ Letter to the Editor, the Advocate

You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.
~ Barry Goldwater

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?
~ Ernest Gaines

My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.
~ W.Somerset Maugham

Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
~ Author Unknown

If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic."
~ Shelly Roberts

My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it.
~ Amanda Bearse

It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain.....
~ Fran Maude

The only queer people are those who don't love anybody.....
~ Rita Mae Brown

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

Black and White


(Under age 50? You won't understand.)


You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."


Dependin'g on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.


I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.


Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.


I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives...
Good guys always won the fights.


Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too many fights,
I wanna go back to black and white.


In God they trusted, alone they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.


But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.


I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight


To when everybody knew wrong from right.
Life was better in black and white!


PS: The Wizard realizes that all the pictures are NOT black&white...

Disney is E-V-I-L!

- 1995: Disney buys ABC
- 2006: Disney buys Pixar
- 2009: Disney enters 30 film deal with Dreamworks
- 2009: Disney buys Marvel
- 2012: Disney buys Lucasfilms
- 2015: Disney buys National Geographic
- 2017: Disney buys 21st Century Fox
- 2018: Disney buys Hulu
- 2019: Disney releases Disney Plus
- 2022: Disney buys Universal Studios
- 2025: Disney buys Dreamworks
- 2026: Disney buys Sony. Playstation rebranded as Disney Infinity. Playstation Network rebranded as Disney Universe.
- 2028: Disney attempts to buy Warner Bros, Warner Bros says no.
- 2028: Disney, tries to buy WB through shell corporations. WB finds out and gets hostile.
- 2030: Buys Apple. Apple Watch rebranded as the Mickey Watch.
- 2031: The Church of Baby Yoda is the fastest growing religion in the world.
- 2031: Disney acquires a private military, starts corporate espionage on a large scale.
- 2032: Disney storms headquarters of Warner Bros. Few die because of the electronic surveillance provided by the "Apple" products most employees of WB use.
- 2033: Disney buys DC comics. Mickey Mouse is now more powerful than Superman.
- 2034: Disney owns the majority of the copyrighted material. Buys off US, EU, and other major powers to honor unlimited copyright for corporate ownership.
- 2035: Disney buys Microsoft. Disney Universe is now expanded further. Master Chief is now a Disney Princess.
- 2038: In the midst of negotiations, for takeover, Google launches escape craft. Departs solar system. Destination unknown.
- 2040: Counter Disney efforts take place. The War on the Black Market starts.
- 2041: Disney claims that Black Market efforts are headed up by small studios. Starts forced corporate takeovers.
- 2042: "Terrorist" attacks on Disney starts.
- 2045: Nuclear explosion destroys Orlando Florida. Black Market Terrorists blamed.
- 2046: Hollywood turns into a war zone. All releases for the next 10 years are CGI due to die off of actors. Disney "Farms" start to raise next generation of actors.
- 2050: Disney buys the United States of America
- 2051: The Disney States of America is born.
- 2052: Disney nukes Hollywood
- 2055: Disney States of America annex's Canada. South Park, an underground resistance to the DSN, releases an episode on the black market deriding the move. It's #1 most viewed South Park Episode of all time.
- 2056: Creators of South Park are declared Terrorists. Manhunt starts.
- 2057: Mexico resists annexation due to the cartels banding together.
- 2058 - 60: War in Mexico results in eventual annexation. South America becomes hot bed of resistance.
- 2061: EU integrates into the DSA. Disney State of the World is born.
- 2062: The UK joins DSW. BBC is acquired. Doctor Who is now a Disney Princess.
- 2065: DSW colonizes the Moon.
- 2067: The Moon has its own government under the DSW. The Disney States of the Universe is born
-2069: Mars colonization efforts start. Political prisoners used for the initial efforts
- 2074: The First Mars Civil War starts. Is put down quickly due to orbital strikes
- 2080: Mars colonization finalized. Disney Land Mars is opened.
- 2083: First mission to Titan is sent out
- 2086: Proposal for interstellar mission submitted.
- 2088: Second Mars Civil War starts.
- 2090: The Creators of South Park are discovered to be behind the rebellion on Mars. Pluto Team 6 is sent out and they are dispatched.
- 2091: Final resistance is quashed. Construction on Deathstar starts.
- 2092: Total annexation of all remaining world governments is successful except for Switzerland.
- 2094: First faster than light travel occurs. Exploration of close star systems starts.
- 2097: Budding civilizations are found. Monoliths are used to "re-educate" the populations. Those planets are Annexed into the DSU.
- 2100: Disney announces new X-Men movie. Marvel fans are excited.

Saturday, January 04, 2020

The ark

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard.... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the Environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Heaven and Hell

A heterosexual man and his gay friend were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. They remembered dying, and that the gay friend walking beside him had been dead for years.



He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.

It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill it was broke by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the gay friend walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.



When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his gay friend, "come in, too?" the traveller asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept gays."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his gay friend.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the gay friend.

"There should two cups by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a two cups beside it.

The traveller filled a cup and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the gay friend. When they were full, he and the gay friend walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked. "This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

The greatest description of a friend

Friends...


Friends.......They love you, 
But they're not your lover. 
They care for you,
But they're not from your family. 
They're ready to share your pain,
But they're not your blood relation. 
They are........FRIENDS! !!!! 
A True friend..
Scolds like a DAD..
Cares like a MOM.. 
Teases like a SISTER..
Irritates like a BROTHER..
And finally loves you for YOU

You can't believe a word they say...

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
1. Men are like Laxatives ..

They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are likeBananas ..

The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather ..

Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders.

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars...

Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials.

You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores...

Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like . Government Bonds .....

They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .. Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn.

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms.

You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get

or how long it will last.

12! . Men are likeLava Lamps ..

Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots.

All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this post to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know!!!

Before I die, i want to....



...go to Egypt and see the pyramids.

Put your answers in the comments!

Blonde MEN Jokes

dumber
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense...lol) An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Friday, January 03, 2020

A few "Truisms"



Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand.

I'm in shape.
Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark,
professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and
for the same reason.

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.

There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say
the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing
at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.

Kids say the Darndest Things....these are CUTE

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." 
--

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." 
--

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." 
--

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something! wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" 
--

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead." 
--

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty!" 
--

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Worst Accident Picture Ever (very graphic).....



Are YOU Cool?

Are You Cool Enough For The Joe Cool Club? Click to take the test

Click above to take the test!

Kiddie Cola...

kiddie cola
Kiddie Cola

Gay Masons

Gay Masons?

Can a homosexual be a Mason? Click here to find out. 

Thursday, January 02, 2020

Maybe it will work!

FUCK Winter!
Wishful Thinking? And it's ONLY January!

RAGE - The Gay Crusader!

Click on the picture to read all about it!

RAGE, The Gay Crusader
if you have a stop button, you should be able to stop the music, will try turning it off. sorry!

Look up medications more quickly and easily on Google - Inside Search

From The Google Search website:
We get a lot of queries for medicine on Google. So to make it quick and easy for you to learn about medications, we’ll start showing key facts -- side effects, related medications, links to in-depth resources, and more -- right on the search results page.

This data comes from the U.S. FDA, the National Library of Medicine, and the Department of Veterans Affairs, among others. It’s part of theKnowledge Graph-- our project to map out billions of real-world things, from famous artists to roller coasters to planets (and now medications). We hope you find this useful, but remember that these results do not act as medical advice. inside search blogspot
Posted on Google Search by Aaron Brown, Senior Product Manager, Search

One day, in the Australian Outback...

Last summer I took a guided tour through the Australian outback. On the 4th day during our lunch brake I saw a kangaroo. Being intrigued I tried to get a bit closer to it. It finished eating and began to hop away. I looked back at the truck and began to follow it.

I followed it a ways. I realized how far from the truck I was and began to worry a bit, but this experience was far too cool to pass up, a real kangaroo standing right there. I wouldn't miss this for the world. I decided to get a bit closer to it.

I started creeping towards it, ever so slowly. It didn't notice me. Soon I was but 10 feet from it. Still feeling a bit uncomfortable about leaving the truck way back, I just let go. I was going to live wildly. In for a penny, in for a pound I figured and got closer. 5 feet. 3 feet. 2 feet. I reached out to touch it. Feel its fur. It turned its head. It saw me. We stared into each others eyes. It was a stare down. It turned towards me with its whole body. I saw in it's pouch a joey. This was about when I realized I'd made a big fucking mistake. It reared up onto its tail and extended its legs. I heard a cracking sound and saw stars. Then everything went black.

When I woke up the kangaroo was gone. I had a throbbing headache. I tried sitting up. My sides seared up in pain. I now know that my rib cage had been fractured in 3 places.

I yelled out, causing my ribs to flare up in pain again. No response. I yelled out two more times, but not once did I hear a reply. My sides hurt too much to yell again. I decided the best action to take at this point was to crawl back to the truck, following my footprints. After a while I came to some thick bushes where I lost my footprints. I decided to crawl in the direction I'd remembered the truck being. I never found it. After a few hours, deciding I wasn't going to find the truck, I began looking for a road or town. After a few hours I still hadn't found anything. I was thirsty. Really thirsty. I was sweating to the point that the ground where my hands and knees were was dark brown with sweat.

I never found anything that day. At nightfall I was hungry, thirsty and tired. I couldn't keep going. I lay down in a ditch and fell asleep.

I woke up to the sunrise is my eyes reflecting off a bit of shiny rock. My head was hurting even worse now. My thought was incredibly dry, my tongue swollen. I was dizzy and my heart was beating fast and irregularly. The only thing to do was continue crawling. The going was hard. I was fainting periodically only to be woken up by the sensation of falling or hitting my jaw on a rock.

A few hours later, knees and chin bloody and stinging, I found a road. A sudden burst of hope, but I wasn't there yet. I crawled along the road for probably another hour, I'm not sure, after a while time stopped having meaning to me. I though I saw something in the distance, a town maybe?

I crawled towards it. It took a long long time. By the time I got to the town the sun was setting. There was a sign. In the day's last light I read off it: "Mercy; pop: 27" A small town, maybe the end of my journey. Mercy, yes, truly the world showed mercy at last. I crawled into the town. The closest building was a tea house. In my delirious state I didn't even bother questioning what a small town like mercy had a tea house for.

I crawled in and hoisted myself with great effort up onto a bar stool. I looked at the man who ran it and croaked "Water."

The man looked at me and said "I'm sorry, sir, but we only serve tea here."

"Then get me tea."

"What kind"

"I don't care, just get my some."

The man left a few minutes and came back with a kettle and a saucer. He poured a bit of tea into the cup. Beaming at me he said "Koala tea. It's our town of Mercy's specialty."

I looked at it. There was still koala fur floating in the top of it. I tried to drink it. The fur wadded up in my throat, gagging me. I retched. I looked at the man. I'm sorry sir, Mercy's tea is great, but I can't drink it with all this fur in it. Could you get me a sieve to filter it out?"

The man looked at me sternly and said. "I'm sorry; The Koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

28 People Share The Weirdest Stuff They Found Out About Their Spouse Only After Moving In Together

by Alison Sullivan, wokesloth.com

1.

My wife makes sex noises while she sleeps. It’s super cute and very funny to me. I didn’t tell her about it until she went on a weekend trip with friends and she asked me about it after they said something. —SargeOsis

2.

My wife brushes her teeth, goes pee. Comes to bed. We talk for 20 mins. She gets up, goes pee. We talk for 5 mins because she thought of something in the bathroom. I turn over, close my eyes to go to bed.

I hear the toilet flush, and she gets back in bed.

This repeats until she falls asleep provided that there’s been no more than 5 minutes since she last went pee. —Suuperdad

3.

My wife is incapable of keeping track of small, important items (like her keys, wallet, or cell phone). If it can be lost, she WILL lose it, usually for several days. Even after ten years of marriage, I am still amazed at her ability to do this. —JXG_Art

4.

HE EATS DEVILED EGGS WITH SUCH A FEROCITY. He will literally forget to take breaks in between eggs in order to breathe. … he’ll start fucking sweating…

My mother did not believe me so made some for him for Christmas and got to witness the horror first hand.

For context he’s a pretty fit dude who eats most of his meals normally.—Pheorach

5.

Occasionally my wife will sit straight up in bed, but she is dead asleep. The first couple times she did it I thought she was going to go to the bathroom or drink some water but she just sat there. I tried talking to her and when she didn’t respond I realized she was asleep. Horrifying.

I’m used to it now, so I just rub her back and quietly tell her “Lay down it’s time to sleep.” and she will lay back down. Apparently she reflexively punched her ex in the eye once because he didn’t realize she was asleep and he woke her up. Pass. Not getting punched by you beautiful creepy wife.

Ah love.—dandelion_w_i_n_e

6.

Her shoes. Shoes in living room, shoes in the hall, shoes in the bathroom, shoes in the other bathroom, shoes under the kitchen table, shoes under the coffee table, shoes next to the coffee table, shoes in her trunk, shoes in my trunk. Shoes next to the bed, shoes under the bed, shoes on the bed. Shoes. —iHateMonkeysSObad

7.

I’ve never noticed that a woman pees loud until I met my wife. It sounds like a water balloon just bursting over the toilet bowl. —Believe_Land

8.

She likes to walk around the house with one sock on and one sock off. —jeff_the_nurse

9.

He likes to slap his booty when he gets out of the shower. He has a certain beat that he keeps and it is so very loud. —Rachel348

10.

I was friends with my husband for 16 years before we got engaged and moved in together……I found out that he insists on sleeping fully clothed. Not like….a T-shirt and pajama bottoms. In his friggin jeans, shirt, even shoes. —Rigelian417

11.

My husband takes his shirt off to poop, I’m not sure why. —Zukazuk

12.

He rips paper towels in half and saves the other half. I collected them, wrapped them up, and gave them to him for Christmas. Yes, we used the other half, I’m not a earth-killing savage.

He gets out of the shower, struts into the room naked, and says, “OK, gotta go to work.” Like, weekly. It’s funny every time, I think that is the actual weird thing.—tattertittyhotdish

13.

She’s afraid of the dark, not just like a random, dark, creepy, haunted-looking building but to the point where if she is alone she has to sleep with a night light or if the hallway is dark, she needs me to walk with her. —liveandlearn256

14.

My boyfriend just moved in with me about a month ago and he cannot close a drawer to save his life, I swear every time he takes something out of a drawer he forgets that it doesn’t close on its own. —dumbest

15.

When my wife and I first moved in together she had this ridiculous fear that someone would break into the apartment. So the front door was dead locked and the flimsy ass bedroom door was locked, every night. I got used to that, but the weirdest part was, as afraid as she was, she HAD to sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door. I’ll never understand that thought process.—MakroYianni

16.

I honestly didn’t know people farted in their sleep. Not judging, don’t really care – I just didn’t know that until then. —Allisade

17.

My husband cannot clean his ears without coughing. He is also extremely particular about q-tips. He keeps them in a sealed container and will not use the same one on both ears and will not use it if it’s touched anything outside of the q-tip box.—littleredhoodlum

18.

Not married but been living with my boyfriend for a while now…

We don’t have a dishwasher but on nights he cooks I clean and the nights I cook he cleans. Or he says he will. Then he leaves them for the next morning but he is lazy in the mornings and says he will do them after work. Then after work he is too tired and the cycle continues until we have a mountain of gross dishes that he SWEARS he will do and gets mad if I attempt to do them myself. JUST DO THE DISHES! —iwantthedee

19.

My husband has no off switch. If I’m not listening, he just talks to himself. He has full on conversation in the shower. He pauses YouTube videos in the middle to give commentary. He’s pretty much only quiet when he sleeps, and then he snores! I love him to bits though. The house feels weird when he’s not here chattering away.—Nyteflame7

20.

She can’t stay without the iPad. If she is coming from bedroom to living room she needs to carry iPad. If she is cooking, she needs the iPad. And the only thing she is doing is playing games. The moments she wake up in the morning she starts playing and after 10-15 min she will realize that her bladder is full and she should go to restroom, but that just the feeling. She will probably go to pee after 10 min more. Oh I forgot to mention that she can’t poop without the iPad, literally she can’t. If she needs to poop, she needs to carry iPad. I can’t remember a single day she went to poop in home without iPad. —schaud01

21.

When I start talking to her I will eventually have to repeat myself because her ears don’t turn on until halfway through the sentence. I need to start every sentence with getting her attention first. —ExcerptMusic

22.

He blows his nose into his towel and then dries off with it. But I’m the crazy one for refusing to share a towel. He then ALWAYS hangs the towel over the shower curtain rod so I have to move his booger towel to shower. Sometimes boogies fall off into the tub and… Just yuck, dude.

11+ years of boogers.—DumpTruckTaco

23.

I found out my husband, when he was 18, slept with a woman in her 40’s. If that wasn’t enough, he says “I was really drunk, but I think her husband may have been watching.” —thismomsazombie

24.

My husband freaks out if he sees me plucking my eyebrows. Like, “OH MY GOD! How do you DO that to yourself!?” Every time. But he won’t look away when I do it. He’ll just cringe with each pluck. —mtmel

25.

My ex had like the worst smelling belly button ever. She used come home after a long day of work and that thing would reak of rotten cheese and meat. No joke I could smell it across the room. —gil_beard

26.

Found out my wife bites into her popsicles with her front teeth like a psychopath —timmyboi

27.

He gets really obsessive about how the butter is scraped out of the container. He really goes for smooth lines, and gets visibly distressed if I just poke the knife into the butter and gouge out a bit. It’s actually cute to me, though, so I can’t complain. —swampmutt

28.

He stands up to wipe his ass. —brandonisatwat

I gotta start moving left of centre

Wednesday, January 01, 2020

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.


3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.


4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.


5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.


9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.


10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.


11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.


12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.


13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.


14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.


15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

What a Wordy World!

Click on the image for the full size one

Liquid Ass!

Atomic, Friendship Ending, Gut Wrenching, Ass Juice


"Liquid ASS is an overwhelming, stinky, funny prank product. Once unleashed, this power–packed, super–concentrated liquid begins to evaporate filling the air with a genuine, foul butt–crack smell with hints of dead animal and fresh poo. The funny pranks you can pull with Liquid ASS are unlimited. Watching the facial grimaces of people and hearing their comments about the part–your–hair, gagging stench will have you laughing until it hurts




Some of the same rules apply to Liquid Ass as apply to Zombies:

Rule #1: Cardio - When your friends discover it was you who assed their sneakers - you better be able to run fast and over great distances.

Rule #2: Beware of Bathrooms - Keep in mind, if you accidentally spill this on yourself you'll feel like you're living in a bathroom. And not one of those frequently cleaned bathrooms. We're talking underground, no ventilation, I think I just saw something get dragged into that hole in the wall bathrooms - you know, like in Italy.

Rule #3: Seatbelts - Never, ever, ever ass yours or anyone else's seatbelt. Just trust us. It would be bad.

Senior's Snowplough Now Available At Canadian Tire!

It certainly conforms to the Government’s Green Energy initiatives

Senior's Snowplow Now Available At....



HAPPY WINTER EVERYONE!

The Wizard's Favourite Toy as a Child

The Twelve Months

by Alexander Chodsvko - Slav Fairy Tales

There was once a widow who had two daughters, Helen, her own child by her dead husband, and Marouckla, his daughter by his first wife. She loved Helen, but hated the poor orphan because she was far prettier than her own daughter.

Marouckla did not think about her good looks, and could not understand why her stepmother should be angry at the sight of her. The hardest work fell to her share. She cleaned out the rooms, cooked, washed, sewed, spun, wove, brought in the hay, milked the cow, and all this without any help.

Helen, meanwhile, did nothing but dress herself in her best clothes and go to one amusement after another.

But Marouckla never complained. She bore the scoldings and bad temper of mother and sister with a smile on her lips, and the patience of a lamb. But this angelic behavior did not soften them. They became even more tyrannical and grumpy, for Marouckla grew daily more beautiful, while Helen's ugliness increased. So the stepmother determined to get rid of Marouckla, for she knew that while she remained, her own daughter would have no suitors. Hunger, every kind of privation, abuse, every means was used to make the girl's life miserable. But in spite of it all Marouckla grew ever sweeter and more charming.

One day in the middle of winter Helen wanted some wood-violets.

"Listen,'' cried she to Marouckla, "you must go up the mountain and find me violets. I want some to put in my gown. They must be fresh and sweet-scented-do you hear?''

"But, my dear sister, whoever heard of violets blooming in the snow?'' said the poor orphan.

"You wretched creature! Do you dare to disobey me?'' said Helen. "Not another word. Off with you! If you do not bring me some violets from the mountain forest I will kill you.''

The stepmother also added her threats to those of Helen, and with vigorous blows they pushed Marouckla outside and shut the door upon her. The weeping girl made her way to the mountain. The snow lay deep, and there was no trace of any human being. Long she wandered hither and thither, and lost herself in the wood. She was hungry, and shivered with cold, and prayed to die.

Suddenly she saw a light in the distance, and climbed toward it till she reached the top of the mountain. Upon the highest peak burned a large fire, surrounded by twelve blocks of stone on which sat twelve strange beings. Of these the first three had white hair, three were not quite so old, three were young and handsome, and the rest still younger.

There they all sat silently looking at the fire. They were the Twelve Months of the Year. The great January was placed higher than the others. His hair and mustache were white as snow, and in his hand he held a wand. At first Marouckla was afraid, but after a while her courage returned, and drawing near, she said:

"Men of God, may I warm myself at your fire? I am chilled by the winter cold.''

The great January raised his head and answered: "What brings thee here, my daughter? What dost thou seek?''

"I am looking for violets,'' replied the maiden.

"This is not the season for violets. Dost thou not see the snow everywhere?'' said January.

"I know well, but my sister Helen and my stepmother have ordered me to bring them violets from your mountain. If I return without them they will kill me. I pray you, good shepherds, tell me where they may be found.''

Here the great January arose and went over to the youngest of the Months, and, placing his wand in his hand, said:

"Brother March, do thou take the highest place.''

March obeyed, at the same time waving his wand over the fire. Immediately the flames rose toward the sky, the snow began to melt and the trees and shrubs to bud. The grass became green, and from between its blades peeped the pale primrose. It was spring, and the meadows were blue with violets.

"Gather them quickly, Marouckla,'' said March.

Joyfully she hastened to pick the flowers, and having soon a large bunch she thanked them and ran home. Helen and the stepmother were amazed at the sight of the flowers, the scent of which filled the house.

"Where did you find them?'' asked Helen.

"Under the trees on the mountain-side,'' said Marouckla.

Helen kept the flowers for herself and her mother. She did not even thank her stepsister for the trouble she had taken. The next day she desired Marouckla to fetch her strawberries.

"Run,'' said she, "and fetch me strawberries from the mountain. They must be very sweet and ripe.''

"But whoever heard of strawberries ripening in the snow?'' exclaimed Marouckla.

"Hold your tongue, worm; don't answer me. If I don't have my strawberries I will kill you,'' said Helen.

Then the stepmother pushed Marouckla into the yard and bolted the door. The unhappy girl made her way toward the mountain and to the large fire round which sat the Twelve Months. The great January occupied the highest place.

"Men of God, may I warm myself at your fire? The winter cold chills me,'' said she, drawing near.

The great January raised his head and asked: "Why comest thou here? What dost thou seek?''

"I am looking for strawberries,'' said she.

"We are in the midst of winter,'' replied January, "strawberries do not grow in the snow.''

"I know,'' said the girl sadly, "but my sister and stepmother have ordered me to bring them strawberries. If I do not they will kill me. Pray, good shepherds, tell me where to find them.''

The great January arose, crossed over to the Month opposite him, and putting the wand in his hand, said: "Brother June, do thou take the highest place.''

June obeyed, and as he waved his wand over the fire the flames leaped toward the sky. Instantly the snow melted, the earth was covered with verdure, trees were clothed with leaves, birds began to sing, and various flowers blossomed in the forest. It was summer. Under the bushes masses of star-shaped flowers changed into ripening strawberries, and instantly they covered the glade, making it look like a sea of blood.

"Gather them quickly, Marouckla,'' said June.

Joyfully she thanked the Months, and having filled her apron ran happily home.

Helen and her mother wondered at seeing the strawberries, which filled the house with their delicious fragrance.

"Wherever did you find them?'' asked Helen crossly.

"Right up among the mountains. Those from under the beech trees are not bad,'' answered Marouckla.

Helen gave a few to her mother and ate the rest herself. Not one did she offer to her stepsister. Being tired of strawberries, on the third day she took a fancy for some fresh, red apples.

"Run, Marouckla,'' said she, "and fetch me fresh, red apples from the mountain.''

"Apples in winter, sister? Why, the trees have neither leaves nor fruit!''

"Idle thing, go this minute,'' said Helen; "unless you bring back apples we will kill you.''

As before, the stepmother seized her roughly and turned her out of the house. The poor girl went weeping up the mountain, across the deep snow, and on toward the fire round which were the Twelve Months. Motionless they sat there, and on the highest stone was the great January.

"Men of God, may I warm myself at your fire? The winter cold chills me,'' said she, drawing near.

The great January raised his head. "Why comest thou here? What does thou seek?'' asked he.

"I am come to look for red apples,'' replied Marouckla.

"But this is winter, and not the season for red apples,'' observed the great January.

"I know,'' answered the girl, "but my sister and stepmother sent me to fetch red apples from the mountain. If I return without them they will kill me.''

Thereupon the great January arose and went over to one of the elderly Months, to whom he handed the wand saying:

"Brother September, do thou take the highest place.''

September moved to the highest stone, and waved his wand over the fire. There was a flare of red flames, the snow disappeared, but the fading leaves which trembled on the trees were sent by a cold northeast wind in yellow masses to the glade. Only a few flowers of autumn were visible. At first Marouckla looked in vain for red apples. Then she espied a tree which grew at a great height, and from the branches of this hung the bright, red fruit. September ordered her to gather some quickly. The girl was delighted and shook the tree. First one apple fell, then another.

"That is enough,'' said September; "hurry home.''

Thanking the Months she returned joyfully. Helen and the stepmother wondered at seeing the fruit.

"Where did you gather them?'' asked the stepsister.

"There are more on the mountain-top,'' answered Marouckla.

"Then, why did you not bring more?'' said Helen angrily. "You must have eaten them on your way back, you wicked girl.''

"No, dear sister, I have not even tasted them,'' said Marouckla. "I shook the tree twice. One apple fell each time. Some shepherds would not allow me to shake it again, but told me to return home.''

"Listen, mother,'' said Helen. "Give me my cloak. I will fetch some more apples myself. I shall be able to find the mountain and the tree. The shepherds may cry `Stop!' but I will not leave go till I have shaken down all the apples.''

In spite of her mother's advice she wrapped herself in her pelisse, put on a warm hood, and took the road to the mountain. Snow covered everything. Helen lost herself and wandered hither and thither. After a while she saw a light above her, and, following in its direction, reached the mountain-top.

There was the flaming fire, the twelve blocks of stone, and the Twelve Months. At first she was frightened and hesitated - then she came nearer and warmed her hands. She did not ask permission, nor did she speak one polite word.

"What hath brought thee here? What dost thou seek?'' said the great January severely.

"I am not obliged to tell you, old graybeard. What business is it of yours?'' she replied disdainfully, turning her back on the fire and going toward the forest.

The great January frowned, and waved his wand over his head. Instantly the sky became covered with clouds, the fire went down, snow fell in large flakes, an icy wind howled round the mountain. Amid the fury of the storm Helen stumbled about. The pelisse failed to warm her benumbed limbs.

The mother kept on waiting for her. She looked from the window, she watched from the doorstep, but her daughter came not. The hours passed slowly, but Helen did not return.

"Can it be that the apples have charmed her from her home?'' thought the mother. Then she clad herself in hood and pelisse, and went in search of her daughter. Snow fell in huge masses. It covered all things. For long she wandered hither and thither, the icy northeast wind whistled in the mountain, but no voice answered her cries.

Day after day Marouckla worked, and prayed, and waited, but neither stepmother nor sister returned. They had been frozen to death on the mountain.

The inheritance of a small house, a field, and a cow fell to Marouckla. In course of time an honest farmer came to share them with her, and their lives were happy and peaceful.

Tuesday, December 31, 2019

New Year's Resolutions...

Happy New Year
My New Year Solutions – Anonymous

My New Year Solutions, Not Resolutions
This year I want to be a monkey
Jumping from tree to tree
Next year I can be a donkey
Braying from sky to sea.

Every year I want to change
And experience something new
I wish I am something strange
Like the disappearing dew.

I want to feel the life of a lion king
Sitting inside its majestic skin
Turning into a peacock I will sing
And be a cuckoopea Siamese twin

Why can’t I be a bubble?
Blow away and disappear
Instead of getting into trouble
Making resolutions every year.


New Year Resolution

Bugs Underneath
– Steve Turner

New Year Resolution
It was January the 1st
I turned over a new leaf
It was clean on the top side
But had bugs underneath.

On New Year’s Day
-Kenn Nesbitt

On New Year’s Day a year ago,
I started off the year
by making resolutions
that were probably severe.

I said I’d save my money,
as this seemed so very wise.
I vowed I would improve my health.
I swore I’d exercise.

I stated I would do my homework
every single day.
I’d brush my teeth religiously
to ward off tooth decay.

I’d eat my fruits and vegetables
and keep my bedroom clean.
I’d treat my sister kindly
though she’s often very mean.

My resolutions lasted me
about a half a day.
I promised I would keep them
but I broke them anyway.

So now I’m fat and penniless.
My homework’s overdue.
My sister’s mad. My teeth are bad.
My room is messy too.

And yet I think I may have found
the best of all solutions,
and this year I’ve resolved
to not make ANY resolutions.