Grammar aside...
Welcome to 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow!! Posting is at 10AM, Noon and 2PM CST daily. Up to 12 days of posts on the main page. The archives have more. You can forward posts by clicking on the envelope at the bottom of the post. Enjoy your stay! *** If you need to contact me, or have a copyright issue, please use the "Contact The Wizard" form on the left side of 'OZ'. Original source and author is cited and credited in each post where possible. ***
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
You Know You're Canadian...
1. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
2. You know what a toque is.
3. You actually think it’s normal to get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
4. You drink pop, not soda.
5. You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, "It’s time to party, eh!!!"
6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.
7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
9. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
10. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
11. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
12. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed".
13. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
14. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still Winter, and road work.
15. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
16. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
17. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".
18. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
19. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
20. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite
than, "Huh?"
21. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
22. You never miss "Coaches Corner".
23. Canadian bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
24. You know where to get good poutine.
25. You’ve rolled up the rim to win.
Monday, June 18, 2018
From The "Shan" Man
The Australian Virgin
A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and has no experience with women.
They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.
Eventually they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening nuptials.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.
All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says,
"But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Norwegian Lubricant
Ole's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said. 'Hey, Ole! You just had you a son,!'Ain't dat grand!'
Ole got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet,' The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter, She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain’t got done yet, 'The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ok Ole, you just had yourself another boy, !' Ole said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Ole said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Ole and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Lena, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'Ole said,'I'll tell you, ....it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
UNREAL------CANADIAN BEEF..??
THIS IS A GOOD DECENT MAN WHO TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE THIS AND HE SIGNED THE STATEMENT INCLUDING HIS CONTACT INFO:
I'm sure those of you who aren't in the cattle business don't understand the issues here.
But to those of us whose living depends on the cattle market, selling cattle, raising the best beef possible...This is frustrating.
This will keep us from ever stopping there again, even for a drink. The original message is from the Alberta Cattle Feeders Association.
Canadian cattle producers are very passionate about this.
McDonald's claim there is not enough beef in Canada to support their restaurants. Well, we (ACFA) know that is not so. Our opinion is they are looking to save money at our expense. The sad thing of it is that the people of Canada are the ones who made McDonald's successful in the first place, but we are not good enough to provide the beef.
We personally are no longer eating at McDonald's, which I am sure does not make an impact, but if we pass this around maybe there will be an informed impact felt.
All Canadians that sell cattle at a livestock auction barn have to sign a paper stating that we do NOT EVER feed our cattle any part of another animal...
South Americans are not required to do this as of yet.
McDonald's has announced that they are going to start importing much of their beef from South America . The problem is that South Americans aren't under the same regulations as Canadian beef producers, and the regulations they have are loosely controlled.
They can spray numerous pesticides on their pastures that have been banned here at home because of residues found in the beef. They can also use various
hormones and growth regulators that we can't. The Canadian public needs to be aware of this problem and that they may be putting themselves at risk from now on by eating at McDonald's.
Canadian ranchers raise the highest quality beef in the world and this is what Canadians deserve to eat. Not beef from countries where quality is loosely controlled.
Therefore, I am proposing a boycott of McDonald's until they see the light.
For me, everything is not always about the bottom line when it comes to jeopardizing my family's health, that is where I draw the line.
Acting together we can make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on.
Larry Latam
Sylvia Van Oene R.N.
Occupational Health Services (HSD)
XL Foods Inc.
Lakeside Packers, Brooks , AB.
Ruby Gettinger
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."
Her husband looks on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbor hangs her wash to dry, the young woman makes the same comments. A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband: "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this? "
The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows." And so it is with life... What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.
AMEN!!!
xoxo
Little Johnny Does It Again!
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Justin Trudeau fans.
Not really knowing what a Trudeau fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trudeau fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Trudeau?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Conservative."
The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trudeau fan."
Simple explanation
The Irish mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home...and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Patricia, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation...She never got your E-mail."
Unhappy Golfer
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes..
THE LOST CHAPTER
At long last the lost chapter of Genesis has been discovered Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, God asked him, “ What is wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to, God said he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman, God said, “ This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she’ll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied, “An arm and a leg”.
Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a RIB?”
TWO TERRORISTS
Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb-making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorist, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot," lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
I was there when it happened.
A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and has no experience with women.
They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.
Eventually they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening nuptials.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.
All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says,
"But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Norwegian Lubricant
Ole's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said. 'Hey, Ole! You just had you a son,!'Ain't dat grand!'
Ole got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet,' The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter, She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain’t got done yet, 'The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ok Ole, you just had yourself another boy, !' Ole said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Ole said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Ole and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Lena, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'Ole said,'I'll tell you, ....it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
UNREAL------CANADIAN BEEF..??
THIS IS A GOOD DECENT MAN WHO TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE THIS AND HE SIGNED THE STATEMENT INCLUDING HIS CONTACT INFO:
I'm sure those of you who aren't in the cattle business don't understand the issues here.
But to those of us whose living depends on the cattle market, selling cattle, raising the best beef possible...This is frustrating.
This will keep us from ever stopping there again, even for a drink. The original message is from the Alberta Cattle Feeders Association.
Canadian cattle producers are very passionate about this.
McDonald's claim there is not enough beef in Canada to support their restaurants. Well, we (ACFA) know that is not so. Our opinion is they are looking to save money at our expense. The sad thing of it is that the people of Canada are the ones who made McDonald's successful in the first place, but we are not good enough to provide the beef.
We personally are no longer eating at McDonald's, which I am sure does not make an impact, but if we pass this around maybe there will be an informed impact felt.
All Canadians that sell cattle at a livestock auction barn have to sign a paper stating that we do NOT EVER feed our cattle any part of another animal...
South Americans are not required to do this as of yet.
McDonald's has announced that they are going to start importing much of their beef from South America . The problem is that South Americans aren't under the same regulations as Canadian beef producers, and the regulations they have are loosely controlled.
They can spray numerous pesticides on their pastures that have been banned here at home because of residues found in the beef. They can also use various
hormones and growth regulators that we can't. The Canadian public needs to be aware of this problem and that they may be putting themselves at risk from now on by eating at McDonald's.
Canadian ranchers raise the highest quality beef in the world and this is what Canadians deserve to eat. Not beef from countries where quality is loosely controlled.
Therefore, I am proposing a boycott of McDonald's until they see the light.
For me, everything is not always about the bottom line when it comes to jeopardizing my family's health, that is where I draw the line.
Acting together we can make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on.
Larry Latam
Sylvia Van Oene R.N.
Occupational Health Services (HSD)
XL Foods Inc.
Lakeside Packers, Brooks , AB.
Ruby Gettinger
Her husband looks on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbor hangs her wash to dry, the young woman makes the same comments. A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband: "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this? "
The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows." And so it is with life... What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.
AMEN!!!
xoxo
Little Johnny Does It Again!
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Justin Trudeau fans.
Not really knowing what a Trudeau fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trudeau fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Trudeau?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Conservative."
The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trudeau fan."
Simple explanation
The Irish mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home...and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Patricia, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation...She never got your E-mail."
Unhappy Golfer
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes..
THE LOST CHAPTER
At long last the lost chapter of Genesis has been discovered Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, God asked him, “ What is wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to, God said he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman, God said, “ This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she’ll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied, “An arm and a leg”.
Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a RIB?”
TWO TERRORISTS
Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb-making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorist, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot," lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
I was there when it happened.
13 AWESOME THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW WERE MADE IN CANADA
Forget Labatt’s beer and maple syrup. Canadians have created plenty of awesome and strange stuff, and here are 13 things you probably didn’t know were proudly made in Canada
While hockey players and great beer may be Canada’s favourite exports, there are actually tons of great Canadian products used around the world every day. And while everybody knows the telephone was invented in Canada, how many people know that 95 per cent of the world’s Lentils come from Saskatchewan, or that we make more submarines than most countries combined?
1. Did You Know Most of the World's French Fries Come from New Brunswick?
New Brunswick-based McCain Foods makes one-third of all the frozen French fries produced in the world, and many come from a $65-million state-of-the art potato processing plant that’s in Florenceville-Bristol. The small town in western New Brunswick has taken on the moniker ‘The French Fry Capital of the World.’ Not surprisingly, this is the location of the Potato World museum, and the heart of the mid-July National French Fry Day celebrations.
2. Did You Know Carlton Place Makes the World's Best Baseball Bats?
In 2012, more than 100 Major League Baseball players chose to swing Canadian maple wood bats - better known as the "Sam Bat". Sam Holman, founder of the The Original Maple Bat Corporation, invented the bat by choosing maple wood, a harder wood than the traditionally used ash. So, if you see a professional player with a little logo on their baseball bat, that’s one of the 18,000 sluggers produced each year in Carlton Place, a half-hour from Ottawa.
3. Did You Know Saskatchewan Makes Most of the World's Lentils?
Mmmm, Lentils! Whether home or travelling abroad, order some lentil soup and odds are you’re getting a little taste of home. Canada is the largest exporter of green lentils in the world - about 1.5 million metric tonnes annually, with 95% of it coming from Saskatchewan.
4. Did You Know Scarborough Makes Most of the World's Halls?
If you pick up a pack of Halls you’ll be getting another little taste of home since they are made in Scarborough, Ontario. The plant at Bertrand produced more than 6 billion pieces of “medicine” for the U.S. last year – enough that if you lined them side-by-side they would circle the earth at the equator approximately 3.4 times.
5. Did You Know Winnipeg Mints Coins for Over 60 Countries?
Canada produces currency for more countries than you can imagine! The Royal Winnipeg Mint produces coins for 60 different countries, including Centavos for Cuba, kroner for Norway, and pesos for Colombia. Currently the mint can produce over 20 million coins a day.
6. Did You Know Hamilton Makes the World's Swedish Fish?
Those chewy Swedish Fish sure weren’t made in Sweden! More than 5 billion of the colourful little candies are produced in Hamiltion, Ontario every year – that’s all of the Swedish Fish consumed in North America. Every day about 13 million of the little fish are produced at a factory in Hamilton, which also makes all Maynards Candy for Canada, and key brands for the U.S., including Sour Patch Kids.
7. Did You Know Toronto Makes the World's Best Racing Bikes?
Using the same tools and techniques as Formula One teams, Toronto-basedCervélo builds what have been called the world’s fastest and lightest bikes. At the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, athletes riding Cervélo bikes won 10 medals, while in 2008 Carlos Sastre rode a Cervélo bike to win le Tour de France.
8. Did you Know Winnipeg Makes Most of the World's Scratch Cards?
Walk into almost any corner store in the world for an instant win lottery ticket, and there’s a good chance your scratch card was printed by Winnipeg company Pollard Banknote. Founded in 1907, Pollard now has facilities throughout North America, however a significant amount of its lottery scratch cards are still made in Canada.
9. Did You Know the World's Best Cymbals come from New Brunswick?
Where do the cymbals used by Rush, Keith Harris of the Black Eyed Peas, the Philadelphia Orchestra and marching bands around the world come from? The small village of Meductic (population 300), located along the Saint John River in southern New Brunswick. SABIAN cymbals are sold in 120 countries around the world.
10. Did You Know Trenton Makes Tons of Dinos?
No, they don't make dinosaurs like in Jurassic Park, but close. Research Casting International, the leading company for constructing dinosaur remains (casting, restoring, mounting, repairing), is located in a 45,000 sq.ft. airplane-hanger-sized building in Trenton, Ontario. The company has created more than 750 of the mighty beasts for museums around the world.
11. Did You Know Kelowna Makes Most of the World's Water Slides?
When you slip down one of those clear tube water slides on a Disney Cruise, you’re likely using Canadian design and technology. Canada’s Whitewater West Industries Ltd. is the largest water parks attraction company in the world. Their Kelowna, B.C. facility, FormaShape, makes thousands of water slides each year.
12. Did You Know Peterborough is the Custom Aircraft Capital of Canada?
Flying Colours Corp. of Peterborough, Ontario doesn’t make airplanes, but they sure make them special. Entertainment systems, corporate logos, iPad-holders, custom exterior paint, upholstery, and they’ve even added a permanent bed in an aft cabin. Everything is custom made in-house, from the leather seats and wood trim to the side walls – for customers from across the globe, including much of Europe, the Middle East, Russia, Asia, and India.
13. Did you know B.C. Makes Tons of Submarines?
Atlantis Submarines, of British Columbia, actually owns more submarines than many countries – but these ones are used for tourism. The Canadian company initiated the world’s first commercial tourist submarine in the Cayman Islands in 1986. More than 10 million people have since experienced underwater adventures in their 48 and 64 passenger submarines in the Caribbean and Pacific. The subs they operate in Barbados, the Cayman Islands, Aruba, St. Martin, Cozumel, Curacao & Guam were all made in Canada.
Jeffery's YouTube Channel
Go ahead, you need to reward yourself with awesome music!
You will be enriched by my friend Jeffery's powerful vocals and his mastery of the piano
Almost All Are True
(a) A judge in California told juror-candidates that if they were embarrassed to admit that they couldn't be fair, just to make up another excuse, and he'd let them go.
(b) Australia's tax agency signed up as a sponsor of this year's awards pageant for the country's pornography and prostitution industry.
(c) The insurer Lloyd's of London wrote a policy on a male model that would pay off if accident or illness caused him to lose 85 percent of his chest hair.
(d) A court in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, approved the forcible implanting of a radio frequency identification tag in the arms of a man's two wives so he can monitor their whereabouts.
Answer to Almost All Are True: (a), (b), and (c) are true.
Redneck Love Poem
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will,
But after telling pappy this,
He said, "there's trouble still.
You can't marry Will, my gal,
And please don't tell you' mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.
But mama knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to pappy.
Sunday, June 17, 2018
The New Noah's Ark
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard .... but no ark. "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then Transport Canada and the Departments of Highways and Hydro demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then Environment Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?".
"No", said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it"
Saturday, June 16, 2018
How would you solve this problem??
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
....HOWEVER....
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
....HOWEVER....
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
How many calories in an average human - cannibalism
By Matt Cantor, Newser Staff
(NEWSER) – Popular Science has some nutritional information for Hannibal Lecter: It's probably best not to eat an entire human at once. Scientist James Cole finds that a whole person probably contains about 81,500 calories—about 40 times more than your recommended daily value. But individual pieces of person are more manageable. An arm contains about 1,800 calories, a leg 7,150. Snacking on a brain, spinal cord, and nerve trunks? That's 2,700 calories.
That data comes from four adult male bodies from the 1940s and 50s. Cole helpfully created an entire chart showing different cuts of human meat. Why, you ask, did he do this? Well, he's an expert on human origins, and he's interested in whether certain hominins ate each other for ritual purposes or health purposes. Researchers recently found hominin bones in Spain with cutting marks that look like those left on eaten animals. Cole's chart could perhaps help researchers figure out whether hominins were seeking to eat the healthy parts of their victims.
Click for the full post.
 |
| Cannibals would get about 81,500 calories from eating a person. (Shutterstock) |
That data comes from four adult male bodies from the 1940s and 50s. Cole helpfully created an entire chart showing different cuts of human meat. Why, you ask, did he do this? Well, he's an expert on human origins, and he's interested in whether certain hominins ate each other for ritual purposes or health purposes. Researchers recently found hominin bones in Spain with cutting marks that look like those left on eaten animals. Cole's chart could perhaps help researchers figure out whether hominins were seeking to eat the healthy parts of their victims.
 |
| Illustration by Jason Schneider |
Click for the full post.
RAGGED OLD FLAG
RAGGED OLD FLAG
I walked through a county courthouse square,
On a park bench an old man was sitting there.
I said, "Your old courthouse is kinda run down."
He said, "Naw, it'll do for our little town."
I said, "Your flagpole has leaned a little bit,
And that's a Ragged Old Flag you got hanging on it.
He said, "Have a seat", and I sat down.
"Is this the first time you've been to our little town?"
I said, "I think it is." He said, "I don't like to brag,
But we're kinda proud of that Ragged Old Flag."
"You see, we got a little hole in that flag there
When Washington took it across the Delaware.
And it got powder-burned the night Francis Scott Key
Sat watching it writing Oh Say Can You See".
And it got a bad rip in New Orleans
With Packingham and Jackson tuggin' at its seams."
"And it almost fell at the Alamo
Beside the Texas flag, but she waved on through.
She got cut with a sword at Chancellorsville
And she got cut again at Shiloh Hill.
There was Robert E. Lee, Beauregard, and Bragg,
And the south wind blew hard on that Ragged Old Flag."
"On Flanders Field in World War I
She got a big hole from a Bertha gun.
She turned blood red in World War II
She hung limp and low by the time it was through.
She was in Korea and Vietnam.
She went where she was sent by her Uncle Sam."
"She waved from our ships upon the briny foam,
And now they've about quit waving her back here at home.
In her own good land she's been abused --
She's been burned, dishonored, denied and refused."
"And the government for which she stands
Is scandalized throughout the land.
And she's getting threadbare and wearing thin,
But she's in good shape for the shape she's in.
'Cause she's been through the fire before
And I believe she can take a whole lot more."
"So we raise her up every morning,
Take her down every night.
We don't let her touch the ground
And we fold her up right.
On second thought I DO like to brag,
'Cause I'm mighty proud of that Ragged Old Flag."
Written by Johnny Cash
The Road to Significance
by Michael Josephson, What Will Matter
The most traditional way to measure the quality of one’s life is to evaluate success by listing accolades, achievements, and acquisitions. After all, in its simplest terms, success is getting what we want and most people want wealth and status.
Yet, as much pleasure as these attributes can bring, the rich, powerful, and famous usually discover that true happiness will elude them if they do not have peace of mind, self-respect, and enduring loving relationships.
Peace of mind doesn’t preclude ambition or desire for material possessions or high position, but it assumes a fundamental foundation of contentment, gratitude, and pride — a belief that whatever one has is enough and an attitude of active appreciation for the good things in one’s life.
Feeling successful can generate satisfying emotions of self-worth, but feeling significant — that one’s life really matters – is much more potent. Peter Drucker, the great management guru, captured this idea when he wrote of the urge many high achievers have to “move beyond success to significance.”
The surprise for many is that one of the surest roads to significance is service. It doesn’t have to be of the Mother Teresa missionary variety. Parents who sacrifice their own comfort and pleasure for their children are performing service, as are teachers, public-safety professionals, members of the military, and volunteers who work for the common good.
In addressing graduates, Albert Schweitzer said, “I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.”
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
The most traditional way to measure the quality of one’s life is to evaluate success by listing accolades, achievements, and acquisitions. After all, in its simplest terms, success is getting what we want and most people want wealth and status.
Yet, as much pleasure as these attributes can bring, the rich, powerful, and famous usually discover that true happiness will elude them if they do not have peace of mind, self-respect, and enduring loving relationships.
Peace of mind doesn’t preclude ambition or desire for material possessions or high position, but it assumes a fundamental foundation of contentment, gratitude, and pride — a belief that whatever one has is enough and an attitude of active appreciation for the good things in one’s life.
Feeling successful can generate satisfying emotions of self-worth, but feeling significant — that one’s life really matters – is much more potent. Peter Drucker, the great management guru, captured this idea when he wrote of the urge many high achievers have to “move beyond success to significance.”
The surprise for many is that one of the surest roads to significance is service. It doesn’t have to be of the Mother Teresa missionary variety. Parents who sacrifice their own comfort and pleasure for their children are performing service, as are teachers, public-safety professionals, members of the military, and volunteers who work for the common good.
In addressing graduates, Albert Schweitzer said, “I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.”
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Friday, June 15, 2018
Questions
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right ,so why don't we say, "That hurt?"
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife (husband) told you to do it?
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Canadians is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you...
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right ,so why don't we say, "That hurt?"
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife (husband) told you to do it?
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Canadians is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you...
I Am Gay - HAPPY PRIDE!
This is an open letter to my Father, my Mother, my Brother, my Sister, my Aunt, my Uncle, my Grandmother, my Grandfather, my Cousin and my friend.
I am writing to You today with a heavy heart. I do not how to say this, so I guess I will just blurt it out.
I AM GAY.
I am afraid to tell You who I am.
I could be any of the following:
I am the daughter You gave birth to, I am the one You nursed.
I am the son You taught how to play baseball, I am the one You took fishing.
I am the Granddaughter You baked cookies for, I am the one You taught to sew.
I am the Grandson You saved Your card collection for, I am the one who holds Your hand on a walk.
I am the Mother You hug every night, I am the one who needs Your love.
I am the Father who worries a lot; I am the one who needs Your acceptance.
I am the sister You talk about Your fears to, I am the one who is hoping You
are listening.
I am the brother You wrestle with, I am the one who hopes You will protect me.
I am the cousin You played hide and seek with, I am the one who is afraid, and is hiding.
I am Your friend.
Please accept me for what I am, and that is a person - who happens to be Gay.
I am writing to You today with a heavy heart. I do not how to say this, so I guess I will just blurt it out.
I AM GAY.
I am afraid to tell You who I am.
I could be any of the following:I am the daughter You gave birth to, I am the one You nursed.
I am the son You taught how to play baseball, I am the one You took fishing.
I am the Granddaughter You baked cookies for, I am the one You taught to sew.
I am the Grandson You saved Your card collection for, I am the one who holds Your hand on a walk.
I am the Mother You hug every night, I am the one who needs Your love.
I am the Father who worries a lot; I am the one who needs Your acceptance.
I am the sister You talk about Your fears to, I am the one who is hoping You
are listening.
I am the brother You wrestle with, I am the one who hopes You will protect me.
I am the cousin You played hide and seek with, I am the one who is afraid, and is hiding.
I am Your friend.
Please accept me for what I am, and that is a person - who happens to be Gay.
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