Straw sculptures made just to burn...

This is quite good!! Someone has too much spare time, and a vivid imagination, and is very good with straw and baling twine!! Photos taken in Naujamiestis, Lithuania

Almost nothing sounds as boring as a town full of straw sculptures ... until you set them on fire. Each year, the residents of the small town of Naujamiestis, Panevezys, Lithuania take a torch to their painstakingly crafted and highly flammable sculptures. Though the annual rite just began in 2006, it seems like it is here to stay.

Straw is abundant after the autumn harvest, and worked into every facet of country life. Lithuanians have strong cultural ties with straw: they weave fruit baskets and other home items with it, and almost every Christmas tree in Lithuaia is topped with a straw angel. Fire also has a prominent place in Lithuanian tradition: summer solstice is marked with an enormous midsummer’s day bonfire; and, in winter, bonfires and burnt effigies mark the arrival of spring. Many of the town’s 800 residents spend the entire month of September creating these massive figures out of eight tons of straw and about six miles of rope donated by local farmers; others prepare and deliver food to those hard at work. The Straw Sculpture Village opens in October, drawing visitors from all over the region, especially for the grand finale, when a crowd of over two thousand watches the entire village go up in fury of flames, fireworks, and frenzied traditional dancing.

Absolutely everything in the Sculpture Park is made of straw: the fence, the main entrance, and of course, the huge and imposing sculptures themselves. This year’s theme was “Farmer’s Market,” and showcased an impressive array of figures: chickens, geese, a very large pig, baker’s oven, fruit cart, bicycle, a car big enough for kids to pile in, and a functioning tavern. Last year’s theme was “Musical Instruments.” Each year, the people of Naujamiestis look forward to this spectacular and fiery celebration that marks the change of seasons with symbols of regeneration, purification, and transformation.

--Perpetual Explorer

Believe it or not, these are real 911 Calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table, and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before, and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

*Thanks, Ken

Believe it or not.... not everyone uses "911" for emergency numbers...

So... Your printer is out of order?

Don't Open At Work!

You have been warned!

Click here.

A dark day for gay rights

Two Indian Supreme Court judges just decided that gay sex is illegal. ILLEGAL!! But if we act fast we can help reverse this crazy backwards ruling.

Men and women in India now face police harassment and life imprisonment. This hateful decision is being met with outrage, and if we now show India that outlawing love is making them an international embarrassment we can get the Indian Parliament to fast track passing a law that the judges have to respect.

Sign now to help love conquer fear in India. When we reach 1 million we’ll get all our names written on hundreds of giant hearts ringing the Indian parliament, then place prominent ads showing that the world will no longer accept making love illegal:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/indias_gay_outrage_loc/?bBSJpcb&v=32699

The shocking court decision came as a surprise. In 2009, a lower court in India had ruled that a colonial-era law making gay sex illegal violated the Indian Constitution. Most people expected the Indian Supreme Court to uphold that ruling. Instead, they reversed it, endorsing the medieval argument that gay sex is "unnatural, immoral and a reflection of a perverse mind."

Indian lawyers are already preparing to challenge the decision in further legal proceedings, but the Indian Court essentially said this is an issue for the Indian Parliament to decide. The Indian government suggested they could take it to Parliament but that they likely won’t have the votes to change the law and that doing so could take a very long time. But if we make India an internat ional scandal for outlawing gay sex, we can help swing votes and speed the process.

Sign now and send this to 10 others -- let’s make the response to the Indian Supreme Court’s decision overwhelming:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/indias_gay_outrage_loc/?bBSJpcb&v=32699

In most of the world, gay rights have gone through a watershed decade. People everywhere are realizing, if they hadn’t already, that love is love and deserves respect and protection. But this didn’t happen by accident -- it happened because of conscientious communities like ours who called out injustice wherever we saw it. India is now the next frontier -- let’s join with those in India to stand up for love.

With hope and determination,

Ian, Alex, Alice, Julien, Christoph, Melanie, Emilie, Ricken and the entire Avaaz team

More information

LGBT community outraged as SC rules gay sex illegal, upholds Sec 377
http://ibnlive.in.com/news

India Top Court reinstates gay sex ban
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world

Delhi High Court strikes down Section 377 of IPC
http://www.hindu.com/2009/07/03/stories

Article 377 and LGBT rights: here's what you need to know
http://www.dnaindia.com/india/report-article-377

Friday the 13th

Today is Friday The 13th -- a day to be wary. very wary. this means you! Just look what I came up against at work today:



Killer Klowns From Outer-Space.....

The 411 - Friday The 13th

A Friday occurring on the 13th day of any month is considered to be a day of bad luck in English, German, Polish and Portuguese-speaking cultures around the globe. Similar superstitions exist in some other traditions. In Greece or Spain, for example, Tuesday the 13th takes the same role. The fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia (a word that is derived from the concatenation of the Greek words Παρασκευή, δεκατρείς, and φοβία, meaning Friday, thirteen, and phobia respectively; alternate spellings include:

paraskevodekatriaphobia or
paraskevidekatriaphobia or
friggatriskaidekaphobia, and is a specialized form of triskaidekaphobia, a phobia (fear) of the number thirteen.


Before the 19th century, though the number 13 was considered unlucky, and Friday was considered unlucky, there was no link between them. The first documented mention of a "Friday the 13th" is generally listed as occurring in the early 1900s.

However, documentation aside, many popular stories exist about the origin of the concept:

The Last Supper, with stories that Judas was the thirteenth guest, and that the Crucifixion of Jesus occurred Friday.
That the biblical Eve offered the fruit to Adam on a Friday, and that the slaying of Abel happened on a Friday (though the Bible does not identify the days of the week when these events occurred).
That it started on Friday, October 13, 1307, the date that many Knights Templar were simultaneously arrested in France, by agents of King Philip IV.
However, historically, there is no true date that the Friday the 13th superstition can be linked to.

In the case of Greece, Tuesday, April 13, 1204 was the date that Constantinople was sacked by the crusaders of the fourth crusade. The first ever fall of the then richest Christian city, and the looting that followed, allegedly gave Tuesday 13 its bad meaning. Ironically enough, Constantinople fell for the second time in its history on Tuesday, May 29, 1453, to the Ottoman Turks, a date that puts an end to the Byzantine empire, and to Greek sovereignty for several centuries, and therefore reinforcing Tuesday as an unlucky day in the Greek world.

Many modern stories (including The Da Vinci Code) claim that when King Philip IV had many Templars simultaneously arrested on October 13, 1307, that started the legend of the unlucky Friday the 13th. However, closer examination shows that though the number 13 was indeed considered historically unlucky, the actual association of Friday and 13 seems to be an invention from the early 1900s.

"It's been estimated that [U.S] $800 or $900 million is lost in business on this day because people will not fly or do business they would normally do."
Some people are so paralyzed by fear that they are simply unable to get out of bed when Friday the 13th rolls around. The Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute estimates that more than 17 million people are affected by a fear of this day. Despite that, representatives for both Delta and Continental Airlines say that their airlines don't suffer from any noticeable drop in travel on those Fridays.

A British Medical Journal study has shown that there is a significant increase in traffic related accidents on Friday the 13ths.

The date is well-known in the motorcycle (biker) community: Since 1981, motorcycle enthusiasts and vendors gather every Friday the 13th in Port Dover, Ontario, Canada. This tradition started on November 13, 1981 by Chris Simons as a gathering of approximately 25 friends. The event has grown substantially, with an estimated 100,000 people attending in August 2004, as well as music bands, vendors, a bike show, etc.

In the Spanish-speaking world, it is Tuesday the 13th the day that supposedly brings bad luck; a proverb runs En martes, ni te cases ni te embarques, ni de tu familia te apartes. (On Tuesday, neither get married nor start a journey, or separate yourself from your family.)

All months whose first day falls on a Sunday will contain a Friday the 13th.

Every year has at least one and at most three Fridays the 13th, with 48 occurences in 28 years an average of 1.7 times per year.

The Gregorian Calendar 400-year cycle contains a whole number (20,871) of weeks and 146,097 days, but the number of months (4800) is not divisible by seven. Along with the 146,000 days, (400 x 365 days), there are ninety-seven February 29s and Leap Year Days. The easiest way to explain how and why the Gregorian Calendar rotates during any 400-year cycle is that there are 365 days every year. Ninety-seven of the 400 years are Leap Years and contain a February 29; in them, there are 366 days. Years with 365 days have 52 weeks, with one additional day; years with 366 days have 52 weeks, with two additional days. Just add the additional days, after the fifty-two weeks, during all 400 years. The 97 Leap Years double to 194. Then add the other 303, and the overall total is 497. 97 plus 97 plus 303 equals 497. 497 days equals seventy-one weeks. Add the fifty-two weeks, in the four-hundred-year system of the Gregorian Calendar, (other than the 497 additional days), and there are 145,600 days, equalling 20,800 weeks. 145,600 days plus 497 days equals 146,097 days, which equals the 20,871 weeks and 146,097 days, listed above. Because of this, no chosen day of the month up to the 28th can occur the same number of times on each day of the week. The 13th day of the month is slightly more likely to be on a Friday than on any other day of the week

* Black Sabbath's self-titled debut album was released in the UK on Friday, February 13, 1970.
* Novelist Daniel Handler, also known as Lemony Snicket, released the 13th book of the Series of Unfortunate Events on Friday, October 13, 2006.
* January 13, 2006, and October 13, 2006, were not only Fridays, but the digits in the month, day, and year of each date add up to 13. This last occurred on October 13, 1520, and will next occur on May 13, 2011.
* There is an almost uncanny occurrence (at least in recent years) of the full moon falling on or very close to a Friday the 13th. July 13th, 1984, February 13th, 1987, March 13th, 1998, October 13th, 2000 were all full moons. June 13th, 2003 and January 13th, 2006 were the days before a full moon, and June 13th, 2014 and January 13th, 2017 occur slightly after the full moon. Friday, September 13th, 2019 will be the next year to contain a full moon on a Friday the 13th.[11]
* The asteroid 99942 Apophis will make its close encounter on Friday, April 13, 2029.
* The Harry Potter Movie: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix will be released on Friday, July 13, 2007.
* Hurricane Charley made landfall in Florida on Friday, August 13, 2004

Notable births on Friday the 13th

Georges Simenon - February 13, 1903
Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen - January 13, 1911
Margaret Thatcher - October 13, 1925
Fidel Castro - August 13, 1926
T. J. Cloutier - October 13, 1939
Zoë Wanamaker - May 13, 1949
Peter Davison - April 13, 1951
Max Weinberg - April 13, 1951
Steve Buscemi - December 13, 1957
Julia Louis-Dreyfus - January 13, 1961
Will Clark - March 13, 1964
Tim Story - March 13, 1970
Michelle Sara Cox - December 13, 1974
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen - June 13, 1986
Marco Andretti - March 13, 1987 *From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Friday the 13th

18 Ways To Tie A Necktie

Click above to see all 18 ways!

A CHRISTMAS STORY TO REMEMBER

A CHRISTMAS STORY TO REMEMBER

It was Christmas Eve 1881. I was fifteen years old and feeling like the world had caved in on me because there just hadn't been enough money to buy me the rifle that I'd wanted for Christmas. We did the chores early that night for some reason. I just figured Pa wanted a little extra time so we could read in the Bible. After supper was over I took my boots off and stretched out in front of the fireplace and waited for Pa to get down the old Bible. I was still feeling sorry for myself and, to be honest, I wasn't in much of a mood to read Scriptures. But Pa didn't get the Bible instead he bundled up again and went outside. I couldn't figure it out because we had already done all the chores. I didn't worry about it long though I was too busy wallowing in self-pity.

Soon Pa came back in. It was a cold clear night out and there was ice in his beard. "Come on, Matt," he said. "Bundle up good, it's cold out tonight." I was really upset then. Not only wasn't I getting the rifle for Christmas, now Pa was dragging me out in the cold, and for no earthly reason that I could see. We'd already done all the chores, and I couldn't think of anything else that needed doing, especially not on a night like this. But I knew Pa was not very patient at one dragging one's feet when he'd told them to do something, so I got up and put my boots back on and got my cap, coat, and mittens. Ma gave me a mysterious smile as I opened the door to leave the house. Something was up, but I didn't know what..

Outside, I became even more dismayed. There in front of the house was the work team, already hitched to the big sled. Whatever it was we were going to do wasn't going to be a short, quick, little job. I could tell. We never hitched up this sled unless we were going to haul a big load. Pa was already up on the seat, reins in hand. I reluctantly climbed up beside him. The cold was already biting at me. I wasn't happy. When I was on, Pa pulled the sled around the house and stopped in front of the woodshed. He got off and I followed. "I think we'll put on the high sideboards," he said. "Here, help me." The high sideboards! It had been a bigger job than I wanted to do with just the low sideboards on, but whatever it was we were going to do would be a lot bigger with the high side boards on. After we had exchanged the sideboards, Pa went into the woodshed and came out with an armload of wood - the wood I'd spent all summer hauling down from the mountain, and then all Fall sawing into blocks and splitting. What was he doing? Finally I said something. "Pa," I asked, "what are you doing?" You been by the Widow Jensen's lately?" he asked. The Widow Jensen lived about two miles down the road. Her husband had died a year or so before and left her with three children, the oldest being eight. Sure, I'd been by, but so what? Yeah," I said, "Why?" "I rode by just today," Pa said. "Little Jakey was out digging around in the woodpile trying to find a few chips. They're out of wood, Matt."

That was all he said and then he turned and went back into the woodshed for another armload of wood. I followed him. We loaded the sled so high that I began to wonder if the horses would be able to pull it. Finally, Pa called a halt to our loading then we went to the smoke house and Pa took down a big ham and a side of bacon. He handed them to me and told me to put them in the sled and wait. When he returned he was carrying a sack of flour over his right shoulder and a smaller sack of something in his left hand. "What's in the little sack?" I asked. Shoes, they're out of shoes. Little Jakey just had gunny sacks wrapped around his feet when he was out in the woodpile this morning. I got the children a little candy too. It just wouldn't be Christmas without a little candy." We rode the two miles to Widow Jensen's pretty much in silence. I tried to think through what Pa was doing. We didn't have much by worldly standards.

Of course, we did have a big woodpile, though most of what was left now was still in the form of logs that I would have to saw into blocks and split before we could use it. We also had meat and flour, so we could spare that, but I knew we didn't have any money, so why was Pa buying them shoes and candy? Really, why was he doing any of this? Widow Jensen had closer neighbors than us; it shouldn't have been our concern. We came in from the blind side of the Jensen house and unloaded the wood as quietly as possible then we took the meat and flour and shoes to the door. We knocked. The door opened a crack and a timid voice said, "Who is it?" "Lucas Miles, Ma'am, and my son, Matt, could we come in for a bit?" Widow Jensen opened the door and let us in. She had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. The children were wrapped in another and were sitting in front of the fireplace by a very small fire that hardly gave off any heat at all. Widow Jensen fumbled with a match and finally lit the lamp.

"We brought you a few things, Ma'am," Pa said and set down the sack of flour. I put the meat on the table. Then Pa handed her the sack that had the shoes in it. She opened it hesitantly and took the shoes out one pair at a time. There was a pair for her and one for each of the children - sturdy shoes, the best, shoes that would last. I watched her carefully. She bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling and then tears filled her eyes and started running down her cheeks. She looked up at Pa like she wanted to say something, but it wouldn't come out. "We brought a load of wood too, Ma'am," Pa said. He turned to me and said, "Matt, go bring in enough to last awhile. Let's get that fire up to size and heat this place up." I wasn't the same person when I went back out to bring in the wood. I had a big lump in my throat and as much as I hate to admit it, there were tears in my eyes too. In my mind I kept seeing those three kids huddled around the fireplace and their mother standing there with tears running down her cheeks with so much gratitude in her heart that she couldn't speak. My heart swelled within me and a joy that I'd never known before filled my soul. I had given at Christmas many times before, but never when it had made so much difference.

I could see we were literally saving the lives of these people. I soon had the fire blazing and everyone's spirits soared. The kids started giggling when Pa handed them each a piece of candy and Widow Jensen looked on with a smile that probably hadn't crossed her face for a long time. She finally turned to us. "God bless you," she said. "I know the Lord has sent you. The children and I have been praying that he would send one of his angels to spare us." In spite of myself, the lump returned to my throat and the tears welled up in my eyes again. I'd never thought of Pa in those exact terms before, but after Widow Jensen mentioned it I could see that it was probably true. I was sure that a better man than Pa had never walked the earth. I started remembering all the times he had gone out of his way for Ma and me, and many others. The list seemed endless as I thought on it. Pa insisted that everyone try on the shoes before we left. I was amazed when they all fit and I wondered how he had known what sizes to get. Then I guessed that if he was on an errand for the Lord that the Lord would make sure he got the right sizes.

Tears were running down Widow Jensen's face again when we stood up to leave. Pa took each of the kids in his big arms and gave them a hug. They clung to him and didn't want us to go. I could see that they missed their Pa and I was glad that I still had mine. At the door Pa turned to Widow Jensen and said, "The Mrs. wanted me to invite you and the children over for Christmas dinner tomorrow. The turkey will be more than the three of us can eat, and a man can get cantankerous if he has to eat turkey for too many meals. We'll be by to get you about eleven. It'll be nice to have some little ones around again. Matt, here, hasn't been little for quite a spell." I was the youngest. My two brothers and two sisters had all married and had moved away. Widow Jensen nodded and said, "Thank you, Brother Miles. I don't have to say, May the Lord bless you, I know for certain that He will."

Out on the sled I felt a warmth that came from deep within and I didn't even notice the cold. When we had gone a ways, Pa turned to me and said, "Matt, I want you to know something. Your ma and me have been tucking a little money away here and there all year so we could buy that rifle for you, but we didn't have quite enough. Then yesterday a man who owed me a little money from years back came by to make things square. Your ma and me were real excited, thinking that now we could get you that rifle, and I started into town this morning to do just that, but on the way I saw little Jakey out scratching in the woodpile with his feet wrapped in those gunny sacks and I knew what I had to do. Son, I spent the money for shoes and a little candy for those children. I hope you understand." I understood, and my eyes became wet with tears again. I understood very well, and I was so glad Pa had done it. Now the rifle seemed very low on my list of priorities.

Pa had given me a lot more. He had given me the look on Widow Jensen's face and the radiant smiles of her three children. For the rest of my life, Whenever I saw any of the Jensens  or split a block of wood, I remembered, and remembering brought back that same joy I felt riding home beside Pa that night. Pa had given me much more than a rifle that night, he had given me the best Christmas of my life. 

Hate Tip Waitress Loses Job

From Ramon Johnson, your Guide to Gay Life

New York City Fashion Student Beaten By Gang of Men

A black student in New York City says he was attacked by a group of Hasidic men while walking home in Brooklyn.

Search Related Topics: gay hate crimes new york city brooklyn

A Gay Teacher Fired For Announcing His Wedding?

In what was supposed to be a moment of celebration for a New Jersey man has turned into a human rights issue. A 12-year Catholic school teacher was fired after announcing plans of his marriage with another man.

Search Related Topics: catholicism gay rights new jersey

Hate Tip Waitress Loses Job

New Jersey waitress Dayna Morales is out of a job after an investigation into the alleged hate message came up inconclusive.

Search Related Topics: dayna morales homophobia new jersey

What Cities Would Look Like Without Any Lights

Click above to see more at The Meta Picture!

The Koala and the Little Lizard

A koala was sitting up a gumtree

smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says

"Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have a hit."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard: "What's the matter with you cuz?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing the joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Top 9 Sex Jokes...

Ever wonder why your jaw sometimes feels sore sometimes when you wake up?

Now you know!

# 9

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."



# 8

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."



#7

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."



# 6

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:

"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"



# 5

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."



# 4

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."



# 3

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".



# 2

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?".

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"



# 1

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 Years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

**Duckshit.com

Pizza Poser

What is the easiest way to cut a pizza into 11 equal slices?

A guy was working as a pizza cook in high-school and some joker ordered a pizza with specific instructions to cut it into 11 equal slices. It took them three pizzas to get it right, and even then He was not sure how they did it. 

Assuming you didn't have a protractor or other measurement device unlikely to be found in a kitchen, how would you accomplish this?

1. Take a wrist watch.

2. Position the watch hands to noon and put in the center of pizza

3. Cut in the direction of watch hands

4. Advance the watch until next overlapping of its hands

Repeat steps 3 and 4 until all pieces are sliced

You will get 11 equal pieces.

The Study

1.)The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.


2.)After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.


3.) Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

Birth under water

TRULY AMAZING!



PowerPoint Presentation. Click above

Christmas

Washington Irving (1783-1859)

By Washington Irving

But is old, old, good old Christmas gone? Nothing but the hair of his good, gray old head and beard left? Well, I will have that, seeing I cannot have more of him.

- HUE AND CRY AFTER CHRISTMAS.





A man might then behold
At Christmas, in each hall
Good fires to curb the cold,
And meat for great and small.
The neighbors were friendly bidden,
And all had welcome true,
The poor from the gates were not chidden
When this old cap was new.
- OLD SONG.

Nothing in England exercises a more delightful spell over my imagination than the lingerings of the holiday customs and rural games of former times. They recall the pictures my fancy used to draw in the May morning of life, when as yet I only knew the world through books, and believed it to be all that poets had painted it; and they bring with them the flavor of those honest days of yore, in which, perhaps with equal fallacy, I am apt to think the world was more homebred, social, and joyous than at present. I regret to say that they are daily growing more and more faint, being gradually worn away by time, but still more obliterated by modern fashion. They resemble those picturesque morsels of Gothic architecture which we see crumbling in various parts of the country, partly dilapidated by the waste of ages and partly lost in the additions and alterations of latter days. Poetry, however, clings with cherishing fondness about the rural game and holiday revel from which it has derived so many of its themes, as the ivy winds its rich foliage about the Gothic arch and mouldering tower, gratefully repaying their support by clasping together their tottering remains, and, as it were, embalming them in verdure.

Of all the old festivals, however, that of Christmas awakens the strongest and most heartfelt associations. There is a tone of solemn and sacred feeling that blends with our conviviality and lifts the spirit to a state of hallowed and elevated enjoyment. The services of the Church about this season are extremely tender and inspiring. They dwell on the beautiful story of the origin of our faith and the pastoral scenes that accompanied its announcement. They gradually increase in fervor and pathos during the season of Advent, until they break forth in full jubilee on the morning that brought peace and good-will to men. I do not know a grander effect of music on the moral feelings than to hear the full choir and the pealing organ performing a Christmas anthem in a cathedral, and filling every part of the vast pile with triumphant harmony.

It is a beautiful arrangement, also, derived from days of yore, that this festival, which commemorates the announcement of the religion of peace and love, has been made the season for gathering together of family connections, and drawing closer again those bands of kindred hearts which the cares and pleasures and sorrows of the world are continually operating to cast loose; of calling back the children of a family who have launched forth in life and wandered widely asunder, once more to assemble about the paternal hearth, that rallying-place of the affections, there to grow young and loving again among the endearing mementos of childhood.

There is something in the very season of the year that gives a charm to the festivity of Christmas. At other times we derive a great portion of our pleasures from the mere beauties of Nature. Our feelings sally forth and dissipate themselves over the sunny landscape, and we “live abroad and everywhere.” The song of the bird, the murmur of the stream, the breathing fragrance of spring, the soft voluptuousness of summer, the golden pomp of autumn, earth with its mantle of refreshing green, and heaven with it deep delicious blue and its cloudy magnificence, all fill us with mute but exquisite delight, and we revel in the luxury of mere sensation. But in the depth of winter, when Nature lies despoiled of every charm and wrapped in her shroud of sheeted snow, we turn for our gratifications to moral sources. The dreariness and desolation of the landscape, the short gloomy days and darksome nights, while they circumscribe our wanderings, shut in our feelings also from rambling abroad, and make us more keenly disposed for the pleasure of the social circle. Our thoughts are more concentrated; our friendly sympathies more aroused. We feel more sensibly the charm of each other’s society, and are brought more closely together by dependence on each other for enjoyment. Heart calleth unto heart, and we draw our pleasures from the deep wells of loving-kindness which lie in the quiet recesses of our bosoms, and which, when resorted to, furnish forth the pure element of domestic felicity.

The pitchy gloom without makes the heart dilate on entering the room filled with the glow and warmth of the evening fire. The ruddy blaze diffuses an artificial summer and sunshine through the room, and lights up each countenance in a kindlier welcome. Where does the honest face of hospitality expand into a broader and more cordial smile, where is the shy glance of love more sweetly eloquent, than by the winter fireside? and as the hollow blast of wintry wind rushes through the hall, claps the distant door, whistles about the casement, and rumbles down the chimney, what can be more grateful than that feeling of sober and sheltered security with which we look round upon the comfortable chamber and the scene of domestic hilarity?

The English, from the great prevalence of rural habit throughout every class of society, have always been found of those festivals and holidays, which agreeably interrupt the stillness of country life, and they were, in former days, particularly observant of the religious and social rites of Christmas. It is inspiring to read even the dry details which some antiquaries have given of the quaint humors, the burlesque pageants, the complete abandonment to mirth and good-fellowship with which this festival was celebrated. It seemed to throw open every door and unlock every heart. It brought the peasant and the peer together, and blended all ranks in one warm, generous flow of joy and kindness. The old halls of castles and manor-houses resounded with the harp and the Christmas carol, and their ample boards groaned under the weight of hospitality. Even the poorest cottage welcomed the festive season with green decorations of bay and holly, the cheerful fire glanced its rays through the lattice, inviting the passengers to raise the latch and join the gossip knot huddled round the hearth beguiling the long evening with legendary jokes and oft-told Christmas tales.

One of the least pleasing effects of modern refinement is the havoc it has made among the hearty old holiday customs. It has completely taken off the sharp touchings and spirited reliefs of these embellishments of life, and has worn down society into a more smooth and polished, but certainly a less characteristic, surface. Many of the games and ceremonials of Christmas have entirely disappeared, and, like the sherris sack of old Falstaff, are become matters of speculation and dispute among commentators. They flourished in times full of spirit and lustihood, when men enjoyed life roughly, but heartily and vigorously, times wild and picturesque, which have furnished poetry with its richest materials and the drama with its most attractive variety of characters and manners. The world has become more worldly. There is more of dissipation, and less of enjoyment. Pleasure has expanded into a broader, but a shallower stream, and has forsaken many of those deep and quiet channels where it flowed sweetly through the calm bosom of domestic life. Society has acquired a more enlightened and elegant tone, but it has lost many of its strong local peculiarities, its homebred feelings, its honest fireside delights. The traditionary customs of golden-hearted antiquity, its feudal hospitalities, and lordly wassailings, have passed away with the baronial castles and stately manor-houses in which they were celebrated. They comported with the shadowy hall, the great oaken gallery, and the tapestried parlor, but are unfitted to the light showy saloons and gay drawing-rooms of the modern villa.

Shorn, however, as it is, of its ancient and festive honors, Christmas is still a period of delightful excitement in England. It is gratifying to see that home-feeling completely aroused which holds so powerful a place in every English bosom. The preparations making on every side for the social board that is again to unite friends and kindred; the presents of good cheer passing and repassing, those tokens of regard and quickeners of kind feelings; the evergreens distributed about houses and churches, emblems of peace and gladness, all these have the most pleasing effect in producing fond associations and kindling benevolent sympathies. Even the sound of the Waits, rude as may be their minstrelsy, breaks upon the mid-watches of a winter night with the effect of perfect harmony. As I have been awakened by them in that still and solemn hour “when deep sleep falleth upon man,” I have listened with a hushed delight, and, connecting them with the sacred and joyous occasion, have almost fancied them into another celestial choir announcing peace and good-will to mankind.

How delightfully the imagination, when wrought upon by these moral influences, turns everything to melody and beauty! The very crowing of the cock, heard sometimes in the profound repose of the country, “telling the night-watches to his feathery dames,” was thought by the common people to announce the approach of this sacred festival.

“Some say that ever ’gainst that season comes
Wherein our Saviour’s birth is celebrated,
This bird of dawning singeth all night long;
And then, they say, no spirit dares stir abroad,
The nights are wholesome, then no planets strike,
No fairy takes, no witch hath power to charm,
So hallow’d and so gracious is the time.”

Amidst the general call to happiness, the bustle of the spirits, and stir of the affections which prevail at this period what bosom can remain insensible? It is, indeed, the season of regenerated feeling, the season for kindling not merely the fire of hospitality in the hall, but the genial flame of charity in the heart.

The scene of early love again rises green to memory beyond the sterile waste of years; and the idea of home, fraught with the fragrance of home-dwelling joys, reanimates the drooping spirit, as the Arabian breeze will sometimes waft the freshness of the distant fields to the weary pilgrim of the desert.

Stranger and sojourner as I am in the land, though for me no social hearth may blaze, no hospitable roof throw open its doors, nor the warm grasp of friendship welcome me at the threshold, yet I feel the influence of the season beaming into my soul from the happy looks of those around me. Surely happiness is reflective, like the light of heaven, and every countenance, bright with smiles and glowing with innocent enjoyment, is a mirror transmitting to others the rays of a supreme and ever-shining benevolence. He who can turn churlishly away from contemplating the felicity of his fellow-beings, and can sit down darkling and repining in his loneliness when all around is joyful, may have his moments of strong excitement and selfish gratification, but he wants the genial and social sympathies which constitute the charm of a merry Christmas.

10 Dollars

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story
When I was a little boy, my family did not have a lot of money. My father had a reasonably well paying job, but with four kids and a dog, money was often tight. This is not to say that we were deprived or unhappy. Our family did many activities together, but our favorite was camping, which we did year-round, blazing heat or freezing cold.

It was a great sight to see the whole clan scrambling to get everything together for a weekend trip. The whole family then piled into our Chevy station wagon with a dog bigger than the three smallest children put together. Dad would then tie down our trusty tent to the top of the Chevy and off we would go.

Our tent was amazing in and of itself. It was a army surplus tent large enough for the whole family plus dog. It had survived though rain storms, snow storms, wind storms. It had twice been uprooted from its stakes in high winds. (Makes me wonder why we went camping in so much terrible weather.)

It had blown off the Chevy a couple of times, but it had always survived. At least it survived with mother's help at the sewing machine. It had patches over patches but it was still our faithful camping tent.

But alas, canvas can only last so long, so after about ten years of steady service, my Dad admitted one summer that our tent was no longer usable. We didn't go camping at all the following fall. The only thing that kept us kids controllable was that Dad promised we would get a new tent at Christmas, and we could go camping all winter.

So Mom and Dad went on a savings program to get the money for our new tent. They even got us kids to pitch in a little. Money was tight, but the savings accumulated, and we all had visions of a great winter outdoors.

That is, until disaster struck in late November, and my little bother Johnny broke his arm. Dad hadn't counted on an emergency, and the hospital and doctor bills completely depleted our tent saving. We were all downcast at the prospect of no winter camping. Even I was almost sorry I pushed Johnny off the roof.

So as Christmas approached, we were all pretty glum. There weren't as many presents around the tree as usual, because the extra money had gone into my bother's arm.

Finally, Christmas Eve was here, and our month long depression was lifted a little, because we could open our presents. Dad had to work, but he was late, and hadn't called. Mother began to worry, and just before she called the police, Dad drove up.

We couldn't believe our eyes! There on top of the Chevy was a brand new shiny tent, even larger than Old Faithful.

Instantly, five voices started asking Dad question after question, so he ushered us all into the living room, around the Christmas tree to tell us what happened.

It seems that Dad had seen an advertisement for a store called SURPLUS CITY (all caps required). Last week he had gone by to see if they had any tents that we could afford. There was one perfect tent (the only one actually) for $60. So Dad worked a little overtime and scrimped a little on his Christmas gifts and he scraped together about $45.

That night he had gone to SURPLUS CITY with his $45 and tried to get a bargain on the tent. He had managed to chisel the manger down to $50 for the tent, but from there the manager wouldn't budge. There was no credit or lay-away at SURPLUS CITY, either, just cold hard cash.

So Dad went back out to the car, and thought about how hard it would be to come home empty handed. In a flash of inspiration, he got the spare tire from the car and went back in. He asked the manager if he would take the spare tire for $5 so he could buy the tent.

With that act of desperation, the manager’s heart softened. What with it being Christmas and all, and my father being so intent on getting the tent, and stopping in several times over the past week, he let Dad have the tent for $40.

When Dad finished telling this story, we all cheered and hollered and generally made fools of ourselves.


That was the happiest Christmas I’ve ever had. And that was the best season of camping we ever had too, in the winter of our discount tent.