Giggles, Guffaws, and Groaners

A man who was just married was flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride was to accompany him the next day. When he got there he E-mailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sent the E-mail he miss-typed the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the E-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother's cry, the widow's 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads:

Dear love,

Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you.

Love,

Me.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.



The Old Man and the Sea

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.

"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."



A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"



A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. The man said to the genie,"I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie said,"I'm sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?" The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women." The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?"



Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"



Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."



A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike his tasteless food he grew up with. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Where the Bears Are

Where the Bears Are

IT’S “THE GOLDEN GIRLS” MEETS “MURDER SHE WROTE” WITH BIG, HAIRY BEARS! 

“Where the Bears Are” comedy, mystery web series to premiere online August 1st, 2012 at wherethebearsare.tv 

Los Angeles (June 2012) From the creative team of Rick Copp (The Brady Bunch Movie) Joe Dietl (The Thin Pink Line) and Ben Zook (Jack and Jill) comes “Where the Bears Are,” a comedy mystery web series that follows the exploits of three gay bear roommates living together in Los Angeles, as they attempt to solve the murder of a party guest that turned up dead in their bathroom. 

Part “Golden Girls” and part “Murder, She Wrote,” the series consists of 26 four-minute episodes, and is a romp through L.A.’s trendy neighborhood of Silver Lake, and whose mystery eventually reaches it’s climax in the desert outside of Palm Springs. 

Featuring guest appearances by Bruce Daniels, Tuc Watkins, Jackie Beat, and Shawn Pelofsky, the series is designed to appeal to both gay and straight audiences alike, and will premiere online August 1st, 2012 at wherethebearsare.tv 

View the trailer at wherethebearsare.tv  

The Wiz on the Street

Fearing that an aging population could strain social services, Iranian leaders have reversed the nation’s pro-family-planning policies and are now urging citizens to have more children. So the Wizard hit the streets again, asking, "What do you think?"

Marvin Weddle, Noodle Maker

"Government has no right to pressure individuals to have children. That’s strictly the role of the individuals’ parents, extended family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers."

Penny Lawrence, Marble Setter

"Just flat-out asking them ias not going to work. You have to cause a national power grid failure to dim the lights, and then maybe put on a little Behzad Ranjbaran by launching a fleet of loudspeaker-equipped vans"


                             John Tarbuck, Wildlife Agent

"All right! Let the f*cking under strict Islamic guidelines begin.."

*American Voices, The Onion.com

The View From 'OZ'

Hey all you readers! I have a quick question.... why are my traffic numbers falling off so much? 

PLEASE, make a comment.
What do you wanna read on
'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow??

Yours,

--The Wizard

How Many People Have YOU Been Exposed To?

The first number is the Number of Sexual Partners.
If each of your partners has had only the same number of partners as you had at the time you had sex. The second number is the Number of People You Are Exposed to:

Explanation of Chart

For this calculation, we assume that each time you had a new partner, they had only had as many partners as you had. So when you had your first, we assume you were his first. You now have one person who has only had you as a partner. Add to that a second partner who is in the same situation as you--only having had one prior partner. Now you are exposed to your first, your second, plus your second's first. Then bring in a third who is in the same situation as you. You are now exposed to your prior partners plus your third's first partner, your third's second partner, and now your third's second partner's first partner. See how it works? A little sex goes a long way!

2 Friends

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizically and says, " You don't like getting flowers?" The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving the flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."



The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

I thought so!

BEST CUSTOMER SERVICE REPLY...

The Greatest Letter Ever Printed On NFL Team Letterhead…


In 1974, a Clevelander wrote the Browns complaining of the menace posed by the then-fad of throwing paper airplanes, and implicitly threatened litigation. The Browns' response is just about the most awesome thing ever committed to paper.

If picture is too small, click on it to read...

Click for larger view

Click on piture for larger view

*Thanks, Gary

The Black Hole

Top 10 signs of a dysfunctional family...

10. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.

9. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.

8. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.

7. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.

6. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.

5. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.

4. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.

3. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.

2. Family discussions usually begin with, "Putthegundown."

1. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.

Wifely Duties...

Can You Figure It Out?

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own... The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through!!

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers; the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?



Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down...

Printerr Problem

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.

So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Below is what he found.



Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.

Air passenger dropped his trousers

A passenger at Cologne airport stunned staff who asked him to remove his belt by taking off his trousers instead.

The 35-year-old was checking in for a flight to Munich when the security signal went off as he was searched.

Staff told him to remove his wide belt, which was covered in metal rivets.

At first the man refused but then airport police told him it was the only way they would allow him to fly.

He finally gave in but instead of taking off his belt, he stripped out of his trousers and put them through the x-ray machine.

He then walked through the security gate in only in his underwear before getting back his trousers on the other side.

Airport security spokesman Guenter Ahr told the Express news the rules that led to the strip were necessary.

"You never know whether something is being hidden inside a belt and the rivets are only there to distract staff," he said.

*Note: this happened to The Wizard at Diefenbaker International Airport in Saskatoon SK Canada, I didn't 'take' my pants off, but I was holding them up with my hand and was ready to walk through the metal detector and security said, "Hands at your sides!" I protested but he said it again, so as I let go of my pants, as I walked thru the detector, my pants fell down, revealing my underwear... I was totally embarrassed!

The Old Couple

The two old boys were rocking back and forth on the front porch of the Happy Trails Gay Senior home. They had been together for more than 50 years, and now they enjoying their golden years at the retirement centre.

Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly Bruce stopped, grabbed his cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit Mort across the shins.

Poor old Mort's eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"

"That's fer fifty years of bad sex," Bruce said.

Mort just nodded his head, saying nothing.

Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly Mort stopped, and picked up his cane.

He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit Bruce across the shins.

As soon as Bruce's eyes quit watering and he could speak he asked, "What was that fer?"

"That," said Mort, as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."

KEEPING MEN ON TARGET

A talking toilet that warns men about missing their target has become a hot seller in Germany.

Ice cream 'poop' served in a toilet dish in Japan

Women fed up with men with a poor aim are reportedly particularly keen to buy the new gadget, according to the Herald Sun newspaper.

It is placed under the toilet rim and, if the seat is lifted, declares in a stern female tone:

"What are you up to then? Put the seat back down right away. You are definitely not to pee standing up ... you will make a right mess."

The talking toilet is set to be sold across Europe.

Be sure to visit

Steve Martin Park

Recently, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg had the idea to turn a small area of garden nearby David Letterman’s studio into an official city park. Letterman approved, and just like that David Letterman Park was created. Pretty cool for Dave, pretty upsetting for Steve Martin. Where’s his park? He went ahead and made his own, right next to Dave’s. And his is a lot cooler. Check it out.

What If The Stars And Shows Of Today Took Place In The 60's?

Giggles, Guffaws, and Groaners

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"



When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."



Quick Wit:

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."



A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!' and it didn't move."



The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."



Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"



Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Manhole

This is hilarious. The expressions on faces is priceless..

for a second I think they seriously thought that they must be losing their minds.......

http://www.wimp.com/roadblockprank/

*Thanks, Gary

The Pirate Song

Sixteen men on a dead man's chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

"Avast there mates, ye're sailin'
With Long John Black Beard
Peg-Leg, Patch-Eye Hook
Scourge of the bounding main
Bloodthirstiest, black-heartiest"

"Pirate captain ever sailed the seven seas ha, ha, ha
What say ye, we hoist the Jolly Roger
Heel over the yonder Spanish galleon
Lay a few broadsides agin' her timers"

"Swing over on these here lanyards
With our cutlasses in our teeth
Cut 'em to ribbons and split the booty
What say ye to that, me hearties?
Heh, ha, ha, ha, ha"

"I don't like it"
"You don't like it?"
"I don't like it and I don't wanna do it
It's tacky, tacky, tacky and don't look at me that way"
"Well, if you don't like it, what do you want?"

I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance
I want to be a pirate in the Pirates of Penzance
Wear me silver buckled slippers and me tight shiny pants
I want to sing and dance

"You want to sing and dance, heh
You don't like plundering, aye?
Well, shiver me timbers 'ow 'bout treasuring, huh?
Rubies, emeralds and pearls
Gold doubloons and British sovereigns"

"Silver chalices encrusted with diamonds and jewels
Necklaces and bracelets of every shape and size
Fit for the crown heads of Europe, aye?"

"And all buried in a pirate's chest
And I just happen to know where
How about that me bloodthirsty Buckos, heh?
Ha, ha, ha"

"I don't like it"
"You don't like it?"
"I don't like it and I don't want it"
"He don't want it"
"And I won't do it, I'm an artiste"
"An artiste, well, Mister Artiste, what do you want?"

I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance
I want to be a pirate in the Pirates of Penzance
Wear me silver buckled slippers and me tight shiny pants
I want to sing and dance

"Now, listen hear, this ain't no floating Gilbert and Sullivan show
You know for some little flittin' tinkerbell
This here be a black hearted pirate ship
And I would have you keel hauled if you weren't me
Own flesh and blood you little twit!
So you don't like plunderin' aye?"

"I don't like it"
"And you don't want no treasurin' ah?"
"I don't want it"
"And you probably don't want no groggin' and revelin'
And wrenchin' and rummin' either I suppose?"

"Well, deep down you want to know the truth?
It's not me, I don't want it"
"Well, what do you want As if I didn't already bleein' know?"
"I want to sing and dance and"

"I know, I know and wear your tight little shiny pants
Huh, okay, we'll all sing and dance
I said, we'll all sing and dance
Or you'll walk the plank, one two free"

I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance
I want to be a pirate in the Pirates of Penzance
Wear me silver buckled slippers and me tight shiny pants
I want to sing and dance
("You hear the Captain and twit's voice say")

"I like it, I like it"
"I kinda like it me own self"
"Thought you would"

Sixteen men on a dead man's chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum


"I don't like rum"
"You don't like rum?"
"Well, no, actually, well, I might like a little Perrier"

"A little Perrier?"
"With a lime in it"
"A lime in it?
He wants a lime in it"

"Well, do you have any Escargot?"
"Escar, what?"
"What's the soup today?"
"Soup?"
"Might have a bit of a salad too"
"Well, how about a bleeding finger bowl?"

"Maybe a croissant, is that right?
Those French make everything so hard
Why didn't they just call it a bun?"

Copied from MetroLyrics.com

Baptist Bathroom

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply.

Dear Madam:

The B.C. is located nine miles from the camp ground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week.

Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there.

We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly.

It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather.

Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.

Bananas

Gorilla Language

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy up. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means, "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better -- and he vowed revenge.

The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage, where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.

Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

Hillbilly 10 Commandments

Take them back

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go. He said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Jeff Straker - "Slings and Arrows"

The Wizard's Favorite Song

Find the difference!

Find the difference in the following 2 pictures. It a toughie!

click here.

Yep

Canadian Light Source Synchrotron

-SASKATOON (WP*)

The Canadian Light Source (CLS) synchrotron is the biggest science project in Canada in more than 30 years. (We don't 'need' a world's largest coffee pot, dirty hoe etc... when we have the CLS Synchrotron!)

The Synchrotron began its operations in spring 2004 with 12 beamlines. Located in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada, the football field-sized, $173.5-million project is a unique national facility that will light the way to a new era of science and innovation for academic, industrial and governmental researchers.

This high-performance research tool will be used by scientists in a wide variety of disciplines for years to come. It will help Canada retain and attract top researchers. Take that, Dog River! (Spit!)

A synchrotron is a machine that guides charged particles, such as electrons, into an orbit. At the CLS, an electron gun sends electrons whirling around inside a hollow donut-shaped tube called an "electron storage ring." Inside the storage ring is a vacuum. Almost all the air and moisture has been pumped out so that the electrons will not bump into molecules and lose energy. The CLS has two storage rings: an X-Ray Ring and a VUV (Vacuum Ultra-Violet) Ring. As the electrons round each bend in the ring, they are guided by powerful magnets and give off energy in the form of light. This is called "synchrotron light".

Commonly called a synchotron... incorrectly.

Click here for a picture.

*WP= Wizard of 'OZ' Press

The Confused Philosopher

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

An whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scarey that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will steal the toilet?

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy on the streets?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Who coined the phrase: 'To coin a phrase'?

How come only fat people drink diet cola?

If books get dog-ears, do dogs get book-ears?

If love isn't a game, why are there so many players?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why are there D batteries, C batteries, AAA batteries, AA batteries, but no B or single A batteries?

If an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and a stitch in time saves nine, would surgery cost less if only healthy organs were removed?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

A point to ponder...

The Lord's prayer is 66 words. The Gettysburg Address is 286 words. There are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence but the government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

SHERMAN HEMSLEY DEAD at 74

from TMZ.com via Celebrity Death Beeper

Sherman Hemsley

Sherman Hemsley, the actor who made the character George Jefferson famous in "The Jeffersons," has died, El Paso cops tell TMZ.

Hemsley died at his home in El Paso, Texas.

Sources tell us ... it appears Hemsley died from natural causes.


Hemsley, who was 74, became famous during his appearances on "All in the Family."  The spin-off, "The Jeffersons" was a monster hit.  He also starred in the TV show, "Amen."  He was also a professional singer and even released the single in 1989, "Ain't that A Kick in the Head."

YUK YUKS

Scared Sleepless

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Let me take care of it," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Crazy Laws - Indiana

Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.

All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.

Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.

Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.

State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.

You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.

No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.

If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.

A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.

In Elkhart IN, it is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.

In South Bend IN, It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

The DEEP DEEP SOUTH

Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'...

He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore."

"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head...

Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .....

His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?"

Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could!"

His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"

*Wizard's Note: No offence, eh?

A Queen Can Always Spot A Queen

Miss Thing, and Priscilla Prickme, two very piss elegant, but very drunk drag queens, were staggering their way home.

But, no matter how messy they were, these girls could spot a find a block away. Especially if it was glittery and possibly valuable.

As they stumbled along the street, Miss Thing noticed a gold toned compact on the sidewalk and trying oh so hard to maintain her balance, leaned down to pick it up.

She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

Priscilla said, "Let me look."

So Miss Thing handed her the compact.

Priscilla looked in the mirror then turned to her friend and exclaimed: "You dumbass -- that's *me*!

Sally Ride, first US woman in space dead at 61

from Celebrity Death Beeper

Sally Ride, the first American woman to journey into space, died on Monday after a 17-month battle with pancreatic cancer, her foundation announced. She was 61.

Ride first launched into space in 1983 aboard the Challenger shuttle, taking part in the seventh mission of US space shuttle program.

US President Barack Obama called her a "national hero and a powerful role model" who "inspired generations of young girls to reach for the stars."
"Sally's life showed us that there are no limits to what we can achieve and I have no doubt that her legacy will endure for years to come," he added, in a statement offering condolences to Ride's family and friends.

NASA administrator Charles Bolden said in a statement Ride "literally changed the face of America's space program" and that "the nation has lost one of its finest leaders, teachers, and explorers."

The agency's deputy administrator Lori Garver added that the trailblazing astronaut was a "personal and professional role model to me and thousands of women around the world."

Tributes quickly poured in on the micro-blogging website Twitter including from women who remembered learning as young girls of Ride's pioneering flight.
"I was seven in the summer of 1983. Sally Ride was simply everything," read one. Another declared: "RIP Sally Ride -- you inspired me to believe that, as a female, anything was possible. May your journey to the stars be swift.

In an interview marking the 25th anniversary of the mission, Ride said she was so dazzled that she only later "came to appreciate what an honor it was to be selected to be the first (US woman) to get a chance to go into space."
Ride, born May 26, 1951, in southern California, earned degrees in physics and English from Stanford University.

She applied to be an astronaut at US space agency NASA in 1977, after seeing an ad in her university's student newspaper. It was the first time the space agency had allowed applications from civilians -- or from women.

Ride was one of 35 people, including just six women, chosen from a pool of 8,000 applicants.

She flew in two space missions, logging nearly 350 hours in space. However, after the Challenger explosion that killed all seven crew members, her third planned mission was grounded in 1986.

Ride served on the commission to investigate the accident, and was then assigned to NASA headquarters. She retired from the agency in 1987.

On her foundation's website, Ride said of her historic foray into space: "The thing I'll remember most about the flight is that it was fun."

According to the foundation, Ride became an advocate "inspiring young people, especially girls, to stick with their interest in science, to become scientifically literate, and to consider careers in science and engineering."

She founded Sally Ride Science in 2001, directed NASA-funded education projects, and also co-authored seven science books for children.

Ride is survived by Tam O'Shaughnessy, her partner of 27 years, as well as by her mother, sister, niece and nephew.

SASKATCHEWAN IS NOW BILINGUAL

I JUST LOVE THIS SIGN IT SAYS
'CHEKAY CHEKAY WHOA'

A real sign in Porcupine Plain, SK.

For those wannabe Ukrainians, the sign says "Wait Wait Whoa".

If you didn't know that, then no more holubtsi, pyrohy or kovbasa for you!

Bad Joke

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

"The Best Interest of Others"

THE THIMBLE

One day when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's their story, and they're sticking to it.

AMEN!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What can you learn from this demonstration?"




A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."