Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

ON BUT NOT OF SILVER TONGUE
I am a man of sound prejudice.

--Toronto mayor Allan Lamport

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

ON MENU ITEMS, CREATIVE
• Hoodwinks the Boundary Gluttonous Mutton Chop

• The Wild Fungus Burns the Duck Feet

• The Vinegar Fries Fragrant Woodenly Must Meat

--menu items in China

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

ON AIRLINE ANNOUNCEMENTS THAT SHOULD BE REPHRASED
• Toe-Shaped Chicken
• Recent Veal
• Bagel–Plane or Gallic

--British Airways first officer’s announcement, as a flight was taxiing to the gate at London’s Heathrow Airport

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

ON YOU’RE HAVING MORE PROBLEMS THAN YOU THINK
Caller: I’m having a problem with passwords on my computer. When I type them in, it just shows stars.

Tech support: The asterisks are there to protect you.
For instance, if someone is standing behind you, they won’t know what you’ve typed in.

Caller: But they show up even when there is no one standing behind me!

--actual call to a computer helpline

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

ON TALK ABOUT YOUR CLEAR MOVIE SYNOPSES!
When she touched something on the back of the youth. She was surprised and asked he with her beautiful eyes. The man was very excited to show her figure which was supported by the bamboo.

--cover copy on a Chinese bootleg of the movie Catch Me If You Can

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

ON IT’S STORIES LIKE THIS THAT MAKE A GREAT NEWSPAPER
In Portola, a caller reported that while she was in the shower, someone snuck into her house and vomited on her stove. A deputy reported that it appeared to be cooking grease on the stove.

--from the Portola (California) Reporter

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

ON WHY WE CAN’T WAIT TILL SEASON TWO
As my life changes, season two will be different because different things happen, and it’s a reality show.

--actress Denise Richards, on It’s Complicated

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

ON MISTAKES, SO EASY TO MAKE
A headline on an item in the Feb. 5th edition of the Enquirer-Bulletin incorrectly stated “Stolen groceries.” It should have read “Homicide.”

--correction in the Enquirer-Bulletin (San Carlos, Redwood Shores, Belmont, California)

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

ON WHY THERE ARE NO LIGHTS IN GLENN BECK’S BEDROOM
100 percent of Americans agree naked males should never, ever be seen—ever.

--talk show host Glenn Beck, explaining that he didn’t trust Sen. Scott Brown (R-Massachusetts) because he had once posed naked in Cosmopolitan magazine

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

ON INSTRUCTIONS, IMPOSSIBLE TO FOLLOW
Judge to prosecutor: You cannot ask that witness what he was told by someone else. If you want that evidence in, you will have to get it some other way.

Prosecutor to witness: Very well then, Mr. Davies. Without telling me what he said to you, what did he tell you to say?

The Longest Joke in the World

Warning: this is the longest joke in the world. The Wizard of 'OZ' cannot be held responsible for the part of your precious life you spend reading this joke. Scrolling down implies agreement with this term and condition. Many have said the end was worth the time. Some have cried, wondering how to get their life back. Good luck.

Lost in the Desert

Click here.

Click here for a downloadable PDF.

When Your 7-Year-Old Son Announces, 'I'm Gay'

Considering that my son has a longstanding crush on Glee's Blaine and regularly refers to him as "my boyfriend," I thought there was a fair chance that he would someday say, "I'm gay." But my kid is only 7 years old. I figured I had a few years before we crossed that threshold (if we ever did), probably when he was 14 or 15. I never thought it would happen this soon. Six months ago "gay" wasn't even a word in my son's vocabulary. He has always known that some of our male friends are married to men and some of our female friends to women, and it is such a normal part of his life that he never needed a special word to describe them. When he did notice the word and asked what it meant, I told him that when boys want to marry boys and girls want to marry girls, we call that "gay." He didn't seem very interested and quickly went off to do something else more exciting than a vocabulary lesson with his mom. Fast-forward a few months. --more--

Nice words from Bob Marley...

Wise muppet he is, hrrrr

Debra, Jack & the Lawyer!

A lawyer was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the lawyer approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh*t."

Helping hand!

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" YOU'RE GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

The Texas preacher

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face... "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blond with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets! The preacher fainted.

Doctors Or Guns

Doctors: The number of doctors in the U.S. is 700,000. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000. Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%. These statistics are a courtesy of the U.S. Dept of Health & Human Services. Guns: The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (yes that's 80 million). The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%. These statistics are a courtesy of the FBI. In Conclusion: Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do. NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!! Out of concern for the public at large, the Federal Government has withheld statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

Hyuk!

IDIOTS:

IDIOTS IN SERVICE: This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (My email won't work without a telephone line!).

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore. I could swear I've recently been with some of these people....

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Now don't you feel better?

10 Puns for your day 

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him -- oh, man, this is so bad, it's good -- a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Officer Downey

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help,and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Nude Surfer

Click here.

Bert Is Evil...

 

Click above to see the proof!


Bert's Mug Shot

Roger Moore - 007 with an Eyebrow!

KEWL! Click above. Why this exists? Only the author knows for sure...

THE BULL, THE TELEGRAM, AND THE BLONDE...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they needed to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving to purchase a bull, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big, so she'll read it very slowly, com-for-da-bul."

Gay Couple Sets World Record for Longest Kiss

Men kiss among other couples participating in the Guinness World Record attempt in the longest continuous kiss in Pattaya, Thailand, February 12, 2012. A gay Thai couple celebrated their love this Valentine's Day with a two-day kiss. The 50-hour, 25-minute and one-second smooch [kiss] set a new world record. The two men were taking part in the annual Ripley's Believe It or Not longest kissing competition in the resort town of Pattaya, Thailand. The seven competing couples started kissing Sunday and had to keep their lips locked at all times, including to eat and drink and to go to the bathroom. Thirty-one-year-old Nontawat Jaroegenasornsin and 28-year-old Thanakorn Sittiamthong won $6,500 worth of diamond rings, cash and a voucher for a five-star hotel in Thailand for their first place kiss. "We are happy about the result. We won because we supported each other. Last year we only lasted 22 hours. So we decided to come to this competition to compete again," said Jaroegenasornsin. --more--

Valentine Fun!

Move the cursor in time with the music & watch what happens; it's strangely addicting. Just use the pointer and click on one or more of the boxes in the upper right corner. Keep your sound on. Sorry.. only works with Internet Explorer (Damn it Microsoft!) Click here.

Politically Correct Valentine

The 411 - Special Edition - Saint Valentine

Saint Valentine refers to one or more martyred saints of ancient Rome. The feast of Saint Valentine was formerly celebrated on February 14 by the Roman Catholic Church until the revised calendar 1969.

His birth date and birthplace are unknown. Valentine's name does not occur in the earliest list of Roman martyrs, that was compiled by the Chronographer of 354.


The feast of St. Valentine was first decreed in 496 by Pope Gelasius I, who included Valentine among those "... whose names are justly reverenced among men, but whose acts are known only to God." As Gelasius implied, nothing is known about the lives of any of these martyrs.

According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, the saint whose feast was celebrated on the day now known as St. Valentine's Day was possibly one of three martyred men named Valentinus who lived in the late third century, during the reign of Emperor Claudius II (died 270):

* a priest in Rome
* a bishop of Interamna (modern Terni)
* a martyr in the Roman province of Africa

Various dates are given for their martyrdoms: 269, 270 or 273.[1] The name was a popular one in Late Antiquity, with its connotations of valens, "being strong". Several emperors and a pope bore the name, not to mention a powerful gnostic teacher of the second century, Valentinius, for a time drawing a threateningly large following.

That the creation of the feast for such dimly conceived figures may have been an attempt to supersede the pagan holiday of Lupercalia that was still being celebrated in fifth-century Rome, on February 15 is apparently a figment of the English eighteenth-century antiquarian Alban Butler, embellished by Francis Douce, as Jack Oruch conclusively demonstrated in 1981. Many of the current legends that characterise Saint Valentine were invented in the fourteenth century in England, notably by Geoffrey Chaucer and his circle, when the feast day of February 14 first became associated with romantic love.

It is believed that the priest of Rome and the bishop Valentinus are each buried along the Via Flaminia outside Rome, at different distances from the city. Their calendar days of martyrdom have been made to coincide. In the Middle Ages, two Roman churches were dedicated to Saint Valentinus. One was the tenth-century church Sancti Valentini de Balneo Miccine or de Piscina, which was rededicated by Pope Urban III in 1186. The other, on the Via Flaminia, was the ancient basilica S. Valentini extra Portam founded by Pope Julius I (337‑352), though not under this dedication. Though the basilica is quae apellantur Valentini, "which is called of Valentinus", early basilicas were as often called by the name of their former patron as by the saint to whom they were dedicated: see titulus.

In the catacombs connected with the basilica of Valentinus, outside the Porta del Popolo, nineteenth-century excavations unearthed two hundred Christian inscriptions. Lanciani reported, from the chronicle of the monastery of S. Michael ad Mosam, an account of a pilgrim of the eleventh century who obtained relics of saints "'from the keeper of a certain cemetery, in which lamps are always burning.'" He refers to the basilica of S. Valentine and the small hypogaeum attached to it (discovered in 1887)" .

The earliest written Acta for Saint Valentinus were written in the sixth or seventh century, when the hagiographical genre was well established, with pious accounts of magic and torture shared among many texts and applied to many martyr-saints. The longer of the two is that written of the martyr Valentinus of Terni and his magical cure, through faith alone, of a crippled child. Bede, in the eighth century, knew of both hagiographies and included respripts of both under 14 February in his martyrology

The Legenda Aurea of Jacobus de Voragine, compiled about 1260 and one of the most-read books of the High Middle Ages, gives sufficient details of the saints and for each day of the liturgical year to inspire a homily on each occasion. The very brief vita of St Valentine has him refusing to deny Christ before the "Emperor Claudius" in the year 280. Before his head was cut off, this Valentine restored sight and hearing to the daughter of his jailer. Jacobus makes a play with the etymology of "Valentine", "as containing valour".

The Legenda Aurea does not contain anything about hearts and last notes signed "from your Valentine", as is sometimes suggested in modern works of sentimental piety. Many of the current legends surrounding them appear in the late Middle Ages in France and England, when the feast day of February 14 became associated with romantic love.

St. Valentine's Day

For more details on this topic, see Valentine's Day.

Jack Oruch has made a well-supported case that the traditions associated with "Valentine's Day", well-documented in Geoffrey Chaucer's Parliament of Foules, and generally set in a supposed context of an old tradition, in fact had no such tradition before Chaucer. The speculative explanation of sentimental customs, posing as historical fact, had their origins among eighteenth-century antiquaries, notably Alban Butler, the author of Butler's Lives of Saints, and have been perpetuated even by respectable modern scholars. Most notably, "the idea that Valentine's Day customed perpetuated those of the Roman Lupercalia has been accepted uncritically and repeated, in various forms, up to the present"

In 1836, relics that were exhumed from the catacombs of Saint Hippolytus on the Via Tiburtina, then near Rome, were identified with St Valentine; placed in a gilded casket, they were transported to the Whitefriar Street Carmelite Church in Dublin, Ireland, to which they were donated by Pope Gregory XVI. Many tourists visit the saintly remains on St. Valentine's Day, when the casket is carried in solemn procession to the high altar for a special Mass dedicated to young people and all those in love. Alleged bodily relics of St Valentine also lie at the reliquary of Roquemaure in France, in the Stephansdom in Vienna and also in Blessed St. John Duns Scotus church in the Gorbals area of Glasgow, Scotland.

The saint's feast day was removed from the Church calendar in 1969 as part of a broader effort to remove saints viewed by some as being of purely legendary origin. The feast day is still celebrated locally in some parishes such as Balzan in Malta where relics of the saint are claimed to be found, as well as by those Catholics who follow the older, pre-Vatican II calendar. Prior to this action, the church in Rome that had been dedicated to him observed his feast day by, among other things, displaying his reputed skull surrounded by roses, much like the iconography often used by the Grateful Dead.

*From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Happy Valentine's Day!

Hehe

Giggles, Guffaws, and Groaners...

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions. First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge". "Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men." The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men." Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply. "Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men." By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view. Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?" The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

An attorney, anxious to impress the judge with the detail, asked the following line of questions of a doctor who had recently performed an autopsy. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?” “A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation. “Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?” “Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

Absolutely Unforgivable!

Inspectors and operators should be aware of sub-standard maintenance practices being performed by some airline personnel. You won't believe this when you see it, but it is an actual photograph of a crack in the window frame of a US Airways DC-9. This could have caused a serious in-flight problem. Hopefully, implementation of SMS programs will avoid re-occurrence of such an incident. Click here to view.

Four Worms in Church

(Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!) A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol ... Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead. The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead. The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive . So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?" Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" That pretty much ended the service !!

*Thanks, DW

Mental age assessment test

People who think outside the box are special! The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.** Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat. 

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat. 

4. This is to cat. 

5. This is keep cat. 

6. This is an cat. 

7. This is old cat. 

8. This is fart cat. 

9. This is busy cat. 

10. This is for cat. 

11. This is forty cat. 

12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

** Not really!

*Thanks, DW

A Good Woman!

Irrefutable proof that a good woman can bring Balance and Stability to your life

*Thanks, DW

How I got in the cupboard

Artist should choose another outlet to express his creativity

Looks like she was caught by surprise... and he looks like he doesn't like something in there!

LOL

Dirty Mind

The 411 - A & W**

A&W is a Canadian fast food restaurant chain. It was originally part of the American A&W chain, but was sold to and operated separately by Unilever. The chain is now owned and operated by A&W Food Services of Canada Inc., based in Vancouver, British Columbia. It no longer has any connection to the American A&W.

 The first Canadian A&W restaurant opened in Winnipeg, Manitoba in 1956. The Canadian restaurants were part of the American chain until 1972 when they were sold to Unilever.

In 1975, facing tough competition from the growing Canadian operations of McDonald's, the company launched what was to have been a temporary advertising campaign starring an orange-clad mascot, The Great Root Bear. The bear and the tuba jingle that accompanied him became a long-running campaign. The mascot was so successful that he was eventually adopted as the mascot by the American A&W chain as well.

In the early 1980s, the drive-in style of restaurant was phased out. It was replaced with a modern, pastel-coloured fast food outlet which included healthier options.

In 1995, there was a management buyout of A&W Food Services of Canada Inc.

In the late 1990s, marketing and products began to take on a more retro approach. Former menu items, such as the Burger Family, were re-introduced, and marketing became more targeted toward the baby boomer generation. At the same time, the current restaurant design was introduced. The exterior features bright orange and yellow colours, reminiscent of the 1950s, while the interior is decorated with memorabilia associated with the same period. Existing restaurants were renovated to match the new style.

On February 15, 2002, the A&W Revenue Royalties Income Fund was listed on the Toronto Stock Exchange. The initial public offering was 8.34 million units at $10 each. The fund owns the A&W trademarks in Canada and licenses them to A&W Food Services of Canada Inc. Revenue is generated by charging a three percent royality on gross sales of each restaurant. There are currently 654 A&W restaurants in Canada. Television advertisments are filmed at the Mission, British Columbia location. In August 2005, the Mission location became well known across Canada after nine employees won a $14.6 million Lotto 649 jackpot.

On the weekend of November 26th and 27th, 2005 residents of Saskatchewan were offered discounts on Mama Burgers and Bacon 'n' Eggers in honour of the province's centennial. From June 12th to 25th, 2006, A&W celebrated 50 years in Canada.

Participating A&W locations offer bi-weekly specials.

The original drive-in menu in Canada consisted of hotdogs, hamburgers, potato chips, and A&W Root Beer. Fish and chips and Chubby Chicken were added later. The Burger Family, which includes the Papa, Mama, and Baby Burgers, was introduced in 1959. The Teen Burger was added in 1961. The menu has undergone many changes over the years such as the removal of Fish and Chips and Chubby Chicken, plus the discontinuation of the Burger Family (except the Teen Burger) towards the general hamburger terms. In 1999, after a test-pilot reintroduction of the Papa Burger, the rest of the Burger Family (Mama, Baby, Grandpa) returned to the menu. Chubby Chicken returned as pieces, strips, and burgers in 2001. In late 2005, A&W introduced menu items such as the Garden Greens Tossed Salad, Swiss Veggie Deluxe and Chicken Grill Deluxe, some A&W's offer the option of substituting fries in a combo for the salad at no extra charge.


The Great Root Bear is the popular mascot for A&W Root Beer, an American soft drink. It was first used in 1974 by Canada's A&W, and was later adopted by the American chain. In the late 1990s, the Great Root Bear's role as mascot was reduced for the restaurant chain, although it still appears in various capacities for the restaurants and on A&W Root Beer cases in Canada.

Something interesting:


The Wizard ran various A & W's for 9 years. I have seen alot of these changes first hand, and have even donned the Great Root-Bear costume on several occasions. And, yes, I was even a car-hop! Coin changer and all! ( I told them I didn't have the legs for it, but...)

Note that even though the company can be good, (A & W was), the management in the company can make or break your experience, by trying influence your decisions... "Hire better looking people!" I was once told. You all know who you are! By the way, The Wizard refused to hire people based on looks, but ended up pissing off these management wackos, and ended up being trashed by them. I stuck to my principles and relish in the fact that I was and still am better than my supervisors ever were!

*From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

**A & W stands for Allen and Wright, Albert and Walter were the first ads on television for A&W and the ads talked about Albert and Walter combining forces. It was Albert or Walter who had the Rootbeer Stand and the other having the Hamburger Stand.

This is REALLY COOL!! Do yourself, do your friends and family...

Birthday Calculator This is cool. After you've finished reading the info, click again, and see what the moon looked like the nite you were born. This is neat.  My Moon Click here.

What is "bit.ly" anyway?

And should you trust it? bitly (formerly bit.ly) is a URL shortening service owned by bitly, Inc., a betaworks company. It is especially popular on microblogging website Twitter because it was the default URL shortening service on the website since May 6, 2009, replacing TinyURL. Several competing services, such as Trim, shut down their services after they found that it was difficult to compete with bit.ly on Twitter. In addition to its main URL shortening service, the website provides tools to view statistics related to users that click on generated links. The company behind bit.ly launched a similar service, but for online videos to determine what videos are the most popular on the web. bit.ly announced October 12, 2010 that users can now automatically generate QR Codes that, when scanned with a mobile QR code reader, automatically direct users to shortened links. bit.ly links never expire and cannot be changed once they are created for a site. URLs that are shortened with the bit.ly service use the bit.ly... Source: bit.ly on Freebase, licensed under CC-BY Should you trust the shortened links? That depends who made them. It is always best to know who is sending you a link before clicking -- the best defense is a good offense.

The Love Doctor

Dear Love Doctor,

Is there an age limit on getting circumcised? I'm in my early 30s and want to get snipped. I won't go into all the reasons, except to say that one of them is aesthetic. I like the look.

All of my partners have been cut at childhood, and I have wanted to get it done for some time but didn't have the money until now.

But, one of my friends says I'm crazy. He likes the "natural" look but he also says it is dangerous to have done when you an adult. Is that true?


Signed,

Clip Me

Dear Clip,

While most circumcisions are done on babies, a lot of adults also have the procedure. (And, for that matter, a lot of men who have been circumcises as babies are getting 'reconstructive' surgery today).

Circumcision is performed on an estimated one out of six male newborns worldwide Over 60 percent of male newborns were circumcised in the United States in 1992, the last time anyone counted.

There are a number of benefits of circumcision. Hygiene will be simpler and may result in fewer local infections, and at least one scientific study suggests partners of circumcised men appear to have lower rates of HIV although this has not been conclusively proven.

There are a couple of things to note though. First, and foremost, any surgery can have its complications. These can become more serious the older a patient is. But, as surgery goes, unless there are other medical problems it is a relatively simple operation.

Second, you will be out of commission for several weeks following the operation while you heal. Possible complications of adult circumcision include infection, bleeding, poor cosmetic results and a change in sensation during intercourse.

Adult circumcision can be performed under local or regional anesthesia. The procedure is commonly performed using either the dorsal slit or the sleeve technique. Your doctor can explain both methods to you.

Full recovery following circumcision generally requires four to six weeks of abstinence from all genital stimulation and sexual activity.

Your GP can refer you to a doctor, and while you are there, you might like to enquire about all of the cosmetic surgery that is also available for that area of your anatomy, like lengthening, shortening, thickening. It's all available these days.

The Love Doctor

--Send your questions about love to "The Love Doctor" directly from 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow! I have added an email link that goes direct to The Love Doctor - this will enable quicker responses from him. You can do this by clicking on his picture in the sidebar and put your question in the email. This will ensure that The Love Doctor gets your question. The Love Doctor forwards his replies to me for posting consideration. Note: Due to the high volume of letters that The Love Doctor receives, not all letters will be posted on 'OZ' - but the Love Doctor will reply to every email. (so he says)

Fred Dingaling

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD." "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS." "Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Let me know if you are interested (Great deal on iPads)

If you're interested in getting an iPad I can get hold of them through a contact. These are legit, not off the back of a truck, they are from a cancelled Hospital contract due to the Government cutbacks. The numbers are limited - he has twenty iPads going for less than half price so it's first come first served. He has already sold one (pic is attached below so you can see what you're getting). Get back to me as quick as you can if you want one. Full spec as below....

*Thanks, DW

Very Punny!

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam!”

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Backhanded Compliments!

15. "That's a terrific jacket! I didn't even know they made them like that anymore!"

14. "You have the greatest untapped potential of anyone I've ever dated."

13. "Relax, sweetie -- your sexual performance was perfectly adequate."

12. "You're very creative. I bet you're very popular with your dungeons & dragons friends."

11. "How on earth did you learn to Macarena so well?"

10. "Your plastic surgeon has such a delightful sense of humor!"

9. "Yeah, but in four years, he'll be just another college graduate looking for a job. *You'll* be a Home Depot assistant manager with four years of work experience."

8. "Good things *do* come in small packages, dear. And in short durations."

7. "Don't think of it as pyromania; you just really know how to light up a room!"

6. "How persistent you are! Most people would have given up and called someone competent by this point."

5. "Those blackheads form the cutest pattern!"

4. "Captain, congratulations for landing back on the carrier with your bomb load completely intact!"

3. "You're smart to do your laundry on Saturday night, when everyone else is out."

2. "Congratulations, Ryan. Your essay makes a convincing argument for a sweeping overhaul of our public educational system."

and the Number 1 Backhanded Compliment...

1. "Wow, that is one deep nostril!"

*TopFive.com