Wise Words

Take your vitamins Taking a multivitamin daily could help slow arterial aging. Both vitamin C and vitamin E appear to be important to the health of your arteries. Studies show that adequate intakes of these antioxidant vitamins are associated with a significant reduction of arterial disease. Try to get about 400 IU of vitamin E per day and about 1,200 milligrams of vitamin C per day through food and vitamin supplements.  

Calcium Supplements
Adding calcium to your diet may boost your blood levels of HDL (good) cholesterol. Studies show that older women, who took 1,000 milligrams of calcium a day for one year had a significant increase in their blood levels of HDL cholesterol. This type of cholesterol helps your body protect against heart disease by cleaning other fats out of your bloodstream. 

Good and Bad Times
It's the bad times that make you stronger, and the good times that keep you going.

Education
I never let my schooling interfere with my education - MARK TWAIN - 

Political Jokes
The problem with the political jokes is they get elected! - HENRY CAIN - 

Life is our own movie
Our life is a great movie, we direct it, we produce it, and we star in it. So turn off the TV and live your life!!

Dog in a log

A couple were stunned to find the mirror image of their beloved pet dog - embedded in a log.

Terry Wright and wife Joan were amazed to see a colour vision of their beloved labrador Bess, who died three years ago, set into the grain of a poplar tree.

Terry, 66, was about to throw the log on the fire at their 200-year-old cottage at Antrobus, near Knutsford, when Joan spotted the resemblance.

Terry, a retired carpenter, said: "I'd already thrown it into the log basket when my wife just looked at it and said our Bess had come back.

"I asked if she'd been drinking whisky, but when I looked at the log I was amazed.

"I have been handling wood all my life but I have never seen anything like it before."

Since losing 13-year-old Bess the couple felt unable to have another dog because they felt her loss so much.

Terry said: "It was a big loss and no other dog could replace her. She was brilliant with my wife and was a very good gun dog.

"I've been offered money for the log but no amount will persuade me to part with it.

"Bess has come back to us in the most amazing way and this time she's staying right by our side forever."

Don't Fart In Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick .. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and to day it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Politically Correct Terms For 2011

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is, "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED".

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

More than you need to know...

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

Send this to all that will appreciate it! They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!


But wait there is more!


Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts: "Get the fuck off the car!"

John Stamos' Guide To Cuddling

See all the CollegeHumor Original Videos here.

Medical Terminology

Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark

Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend

Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase

Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane

Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test

Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood

Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited

DIY - Doing Your Own Cosmetic Surgery

In this day and age, there is no need to allow the high cost of cosmetic surgery to stand between you and the perfection you deserve. Now anyone can achieve fantastic results in the comfort and privacy of their own home without any special skills, and using simple tools and products everyone has lying around the house.

In these times when issues of self esteem are so much in the forefront of our awareness, we realize the profound impact of feeling that our noses are crooked or unattractive, or that our breasts are to small, or that our cheeks may sag a bit with advancing age. No matter! You don't need to spend thousands of dollars for a high priced surgeon to cut you up when you can do it yourself at home for a mere fraction of the cost. My step by step instructions can show you how.

Simply go around the house and garage and gather up a few things. Here's what you'll need:

X-acto Knife
Adhesive Bandages
Needle and thread
Tweezers
Sharpie Marker
Staple Gun
Witch Hazel
Aloe
Micrometer
Vice Grips
Small C-clamps
Channel Lock Pliers
Soldering Iron
Pinking Shears
Rotary Sander
Miter Box
Shop Vac

(You should be aware that painkillers are not needed for any operation; Simply write for our pamphlet 101 Mantras to Cure Pain, Disease, & Suffering. It can be obtained by sending $10.00 to 101 Pain Mantras, Perfect Being Magazine, 7 New Age Way, Laidback CA.)

Once you have gathered your supplies, you must determine the how and who. How do you want to look once the operation is complete and who do you want to do the cutting. While some people are able to perform self-surgery, most grow squeamish at the thought. This is where an understanding wife or husband comes into play.

First, you’ll need to play with the area you want to improve. Push, prod, shape that bit of sagging skin into position to see how you want to look after the operation. Comparing your face (or other body part) to those of models in fashion magazines will help define your goals. Once you are satisfied with how you want to look, you draw your lines with the marker to define the area you wish to excise. Be careful not to get too adventurous, as you may cut away too much skin and end up with your jawline up around your lower eyelid. After you have marked the skin, make an incision with the x-acto knife along the dotted lines, remove the unwanted skin, and sew the two parts together, being sure to slather plenty of aloe along the cut in order to promote healing and prevent infection. For a really big job, such as a liposuction and tummy tuck, you’ll need the stapler and shop vac.

There are some jobs which are a little more complex. A nose job for instance, requires scraping away the cartilage in much the same manner a sculptor hacks away at a marble block in order to reveal the perfect form lying underneath. A bust job is equally complex in that material must be added to the breast. Many things have been used, such as tissue filled baggies, water balloons, and rolled up socks. However, we at Perfect Being have found the most effective material for a breast augmentation to be Nerf footballs cut in half, as they are available in a variety of sizes. They give the breasts definition, lift, weight, shape, and bounce, and can act as bumpers in the event of a low speed collision.

Armed with this knowledge as well as the fortitude to carry out your dreams, you should be able to master, with practice and patience, these cosmetic surgery techniques in no time at all.

WARNING!

There has been an increased rate of robbery using handguns in Canada. I warn you that some people may find this picture too graphic. DO NOT click here if you are weak of mind.

Seperated At Birth?

You decide!

Those Evil Gay People

Fire, plague, or pestilence, its the fault of the international gay conspiracy...

Click above to read why...

Year of Your Birth

The screen is going to fade to black, have your glasses on, and follow the instructions below. You'll be pleasantly surprised with this one... Type the year only!! Then click the question (?) mark! Sit back and enjoy!! Click here to go to Year of your birth

*Thanks, DW

Natural highs

1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at the supermarket.

5. A special glance.

6. Getting mail.

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).

12. A bubble bath.

13. Giggling.

15. The beach.

16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.

17. Laughing at yourself.

18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you

19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

20. Running through sprinklers.

21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS

24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).

27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

28. Playing with a new puppy.

29. Having someone play with your hair.

30. Sweet dreams.

31. Hot chocolate.

32. Road trips with friends.

33. Swinging on swings.

34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

35. Making chocolate chip cookies.

36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.

37. Holding hands with someone you care about.

38. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.

39. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.

40. Watching the sunrise.

41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

42. Knowing that somebody misses you.

43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.

44. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

*Thanks, DW

Inbred cat...

*Thanks, DW

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659

 A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Muhahahaha!

How to tell the sex of a fly....

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Won't Get Fooled Again

People are people no matter what social society is in governance. Unless a rethink is done on how people treat each other. Nothing ever changes. Quoting the Who.

We'll be fighting in the streets
With our children at our feet
And the morals that they worship will be gone
And the men who spurred us on
Sit in judgment of all wrong
They decide and the shotgun sings the song

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
And I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled again

Change it had to come
We knew it all along
We were liberated from the fall that's all
But the world looks just the same
And history ain't changed
'Cause the banners, they all flown in the last war

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
And I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled again
No, no!

I'll move myself and my family aside
If we happen to be left half alive
I'll get all my papers and smile at the sky
For I know that the hypnotized never lie

Do ya?


There's nothing in the street
Looks any different to me
And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye
And the parting on the left
Is now the parting on the right
And the beards have all grown longer overnight

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled again
No, no!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Meet the new boss
Same as the old boss

**The Who - "Won't Get Fooled Again"

Andy Rooney Passes

JOURNALIST ANDY ROONEY DIES AT 92 Celebrity Death Beeper

Sent from my CrackBerry® wireless handheld

I am a homosexual

I am a homosexual. Hath not a homosexual eyes? Hath not a homosexual hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, heal'd by the same means, warm'd and cool'd by the same winter and summer, as a heterosexual is?

If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
If you poison us, do we not die?
And if you wrong us, do we not revenge?
If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.

A few jokes to start your weekend off . . .

I'm back from Cancun (school trip so I couldn't do the Real Cancun). It was almost never over 95 degrees even when climbing the pyramids!

Little Douglas was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - - Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

Dougie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offer's really good he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Doug aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Dougie, "He is a Liberal MP, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids!"



A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"



THE DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this senior citizen handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.



A little boy went up to his mother and asked: "Mum, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

Mum replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your father, because I still have mine"



Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

he said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

he replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say 'asshole' afterwards!

8 Stories

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Safeway with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."


FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.

What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.


SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.

The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.

One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT

Police in Radnor , Pennsylvania , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal collander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Who Said This?

"I believe that to have a friend,
a man must be one.

That all men are created equal
and that everyone has within himself
the power to make this a better world.

That God put the firewood there
but that every man
must gather and light it himself.

In being prepared
physically, mentally, and morally
to fight when necessary
for that which is right.

That a man should make the most
of what equipment he has.

That 'This government,
of the people, by the people
and for the people'
shall live always.

That men should live by
the rule of what is best
for the greatest number.

That sooner or later...
somewhere...somehow...
we must settle with the world
and make payment for what we have taken.

That all things change but truth,
and that truth alone, lives on forever.

In my Creator, my country, my fellow man."

Click here to find out who said this.

All The News That's Fit??? To Print...

(1)Recent news item:

 "Two Maine teenagers are in hot water after one was arrested on suspicion of skateboarding nude through the center of town while his friend videotaped the stunt. The boy allegedly skateboarded through a parking lot wearing only a strategically placed sock puppet last week. Police said the 18-year-old skated around for about 15 minutes. Police don't think any of it was very funny."

(2)As appearing in the Daily News Tribune (Boston?):

"WILLIAMSTOWN -- Professor Eva Grudin was about to lead her students  into a discussion of whether an abstract painting was meant to  invoke a certain part of the male anatomy when her class was  interrupted by the real thing.

With no warning, two naked students barged into her Williams  College lecture hall, struck a quick pose for the 150 students  there, and ran out.

Nothing abstract here. Grudin and her students had just been  streaked.

But this was no one-time prank by some drunken college  students. It was yet another performance by two members of the  Springstreakers, the latest unofficial student activity club at this  elite liberal arts college.

"It's hard to get your bearings back and continue with your  lecture after that," said Grudin, who let out a shriek that was  followed by her students' laughter, then applause when the streakers  stole everyone's attention from a slide projection of Robert  Motherwell's vaguely phallic depiction of a bull.

With two weeks before the end of final exams, Grudin and many  of the students on the prim 2,000-student campus in the Berkshires  say the Springstreakers are offering just the kind of stress relief  that so many need right now.

"It's amazing that they do this," said Mon Thach, a freshman  who was streaked in Grudin's art history class late last week. "It  was so funny, and everyone needs a good laugh like that at the end  of the semester."

Springstreakers -- the name is a riff on Spring Street, which  cuts through campus -- is the brainchild of Morgan Goodwin and  Andy "Tex" Whinery, two skinny freshmen who say there's no bigger  rush than dropping one's drawers and getting maximum exposure by  running through a crowd.

"I haven't tried any hard drugs, but I have a feeling this is  probably better," said Goodwin, a 20-year-old who claims he never  did anything to attract so much attention to himself while growing  up in Lake Placid, N.Y.

Since he and the 18-year-old Whinery -- who cut his streaking  teeth in his hometown of Amarillo, Texas -- did their first nude  dash through a freshman dormitory in December, they've staged about  a dozen surprise streaks on the Williams campus.

Grudin's lecture was their first classroom appearance. They've  also hit the library, several parties and an a cappella concert. And  they're not without coconspirators.

The Springstreakers boast nine active members, all men except  for one, and they're always looking to recruit new ones.

Before bombing through Grudin's art history class, Goodwin  tried coaxing a few buddies into joining him and Whinery. There was  plenty of interest, but no takers.

Membership requires a willingness to shed clothing and an  ability to run quickly.

"A big part of our protocol is streaking while sober," Whinery  said. "Being naked is nothing to be embarrassed about, and if you  can only do it when you're drunk, then you can't do it with us.  That's something we pride ourselves on."

So far, the Springstreakers haven't raised the ire of campus administrators.

"It hasn't impinged on our lives at all," Williams spokesman  Jim Kolesar said. "I don't know that they've had any effect at all."

Streaking on college campuses, of course, is nothing new. As  Grudin is quick to point out, she's seen plenty of streakers at  Williams since she started teaching there in 1971.

"Their fathers were doing this in the old days," she said. "If  they wanted to do something really funny, they'd get their fathers  to do it with them now."

Goodwin doesn't pretend there's anything high-minded about running around in the buff, but if there is a social message he's  trying to send, it's that the human body is nothing to be ashamed  of.

"I feel the people we streak get something out of it," Goodwin  said. "The most obvious thing is that they see something that's  funny and blows their minds and will give them something to talk  about at reunion in 10 years. But it gets to deeper things like  people's ideas of sex and nudity and body image; things you might  discuss in a classroom but now have a reason to talk about in a  different setting."

So what does their audience think of the Springstreakers' body images?

"I was saddened to see only their backsides," Grudin said. "But  they were nice backsides."

The Blonde Year In Review

With apologies to any Blondes: 

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.  

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.  

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."  

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.  

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.  

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. 

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.  

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down. 

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."  

October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.  

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.  

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

A Favourite Joke Of The Wizard's...

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass...

LEARN WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

I'm not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

EGG-ZACTLY!

What's the top-selling pop? It's a Coke.
What's a rip-roaring quip? It's a joke.
What do ya do with cigarettes? Ya smoke.

So quickly, I beg:
What's the white of an egg called?



It's albumen. (I bet you said yolk. hehe)

Q: Who is Snow White's brother?

A: Egg White. Get the yolk?

Q: If a rooster laid a brown egg and a white egg, what kind of chicks would hatch?

A: None. Roosters Don't Lay Eggs!

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.

The egg looks at the chicken and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

So you think your life is bad.

Just think how bad the life of the egg is...

You only get laid once!

You only get eaten once!

It takes 4 minutes to get hard

2 minutes to get soft

You have to share a box with 11 other guys

And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.


(Now don't you feel better)

Q. How did the eggs leave the highway?

A. They went through the "Eggs-it".

Q. What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much?

A. He cracked up.

Q. Why couldn't the eggs go out on a hot summer day?

A. They were afraid they would fry!

Q. What did the egg say to the clown?

A. You crack me up!

Q. What part did the egg play in the movies?

A. He was an "Egg-stra".

Q. What do you call a sleeping egg?

A. Egg-zosted!

Q. What did the eggs do when the light turned green?

A. They egg-cellerated.

Q. Why couldn't the egg family watch T.V.?

A. Because their cable was scrambled.

Q. Why was the father egg so strict?

A. He was hard-boiled.

Q. What do you get if you cross an egg with a vacuum cleaner?

A. I have no idea, but I bet it's messy!

A HEART WARMING STORY

The false story: 

This photograph shows a red Doberman kissing an exhausted fireman. He had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire. She is pregnant. The firefighter was afraid of her at first, because he had never been around a Doberman before. When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest. A photographer from the Charlotte, North Carolina newspaper, “The Observer,” noticed this red Doberman in the distance looking at the fireman. He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do. As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies, and kissed him, when the photographer snapped this shot.

The true story:

During the house fire, there was already one dog outside in the yard and another one ran out of the house on its own. It was at the moment that the firefighter knelt down and removed his mask, that Cinnamon walked over and licked him at the most opportune timing for photographer Patrick Schneider. The fireman didn’t really rescue the dog in some dramatic fashion like we may imagine.  But regardless of the exact details of the event, it’s still a beautiful moment between a human and a canine.

A heart-warming moment is frozen in time and preserved forever.

Jeff Clark works for the Charlotte Fire Department. Pregnant Cinnamon did give birth to five puppies and eventually passed away in 2005.  Thanks, Cinnamon and Jeff for this warm fuzzy moment, and Patrick for the great shot.

Longevity Test

This is pretty interesting. Watch the age prediction on the top left of the screen change as you answer the various questions.

How long do you think that you will live? I am gone at 69.

Click below:

The Longevity Test

MEN NEVER LISTEN

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom but it had always been occupied.
 
A nurse noticed his predicament. "Sir," she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
 
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.  Each button was identified by letters:  

WW, WA , PP and a red one labeled ATR.
 
Who would know if he touched them?
 
He couldn't resist.  He pushed WW.  Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.  What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
 
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.  Warm air replaced the warm water.
 
When this stopped he pushed the PP button.  A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.  The ladies room was more than a restroom.
 
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
 
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed and a nurse was staring down at him.
 
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was  pushing the ATR button."
 
"The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Beer Cannon

Original German sound track... Just aim the beer canon towards the open mouths of the folks who stand and click the mouse. Put the circle right on the mouths, and don't forget that German cows like beer too. Have fun! 

 Click above to play!

UNTIL . . .

Until we're considered equal, and not simply 'tolerated'. Until our youth aren't forced to leave home for the streets. Until our partners are welcome at all family, social and workplace events. Until the police are there to protect us not harass us. Until sex trade workers are not seen as criminals. Until our children see our families reflected in school curriculum and story books. Until our differences and our cultures are celebrated not denied. Until it's safe to come out at work. Until it's safe to come out at school.

 

 

(click above to download the pamphlet. It's a PDF)

 

Until hospitals, banks, travel agents, and insurance companies see us as people not problems or profits. Until we're not stereotyped into certain jobs or denied others. Until parents aren't freaked out by having lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender children. Until we don't have to justify, explain and expose our private lives. Until harassment at work stops. Until our streets are safe for lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people. Until religions open their doors to our celebrations and expressions of faith. Until we can express our gender without fear of reprisal or ridicule. Until gender stereotyping stops and we are all free to be wholly human. Until the cure for homophobia is discovered. Until we can love and be loved, with joy and gay abandon.

No Longer Privates

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper, have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later, Leroy finds himself in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

Gangster Nickname or Ridiculous Sex Act

1) Dirty Sanchez
2) The Barber
3) Neopolitan Swirl
4) Cleavland Steamer
5) The Brick Moron

6) The Blonde Alibi
7) Buckshot
8) Skeet
9) Hot Carl
10) Fat Charley

11) Buster
12) Butterfingers
13) The Hawk
14) Hymie
15) Ragtime
16) Snowball
17) Three fingered

1-Sex Act
2-Gangster
3-Sex Act
4-Sex Act
5-Gangster

6-Gangster
7-Gangster
8-Sex Act
9-Sex Act
10-Gangster

11-Gangster
12-Gangster
13-Gangster
14-Gangster
15-Gangster
16-Sex Act
17-Gangster