A call to action....

Ronald "jumping" away from gays, lesbians, Bisexuals, Two-spirited and Transgendered Individuals....

I am passing this one on to my readers...

Hey all,

I generally don't send out mass calls to action like this, but this issue strikes a particularly strong emotional chord for me. Please, if you agree with this, send it out to everyone you know. Let's spread the word.

McDonald's restaurants recently bowed to pressure against it by the religious extremists at the AFA and withdrew its support of the non-political National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. NGLCC is a non-profit organization created to expand economic opportunities for the LGBT business community.

AFA (American Family Association) called for the boycott of McDonald’s in May because it joined the NGLCC. They lifted the boycott after McDonald’s said it WON'T renew its membership with the NGLCC when it expires in December -- and that its vice president, Richard Ellis, has resigned from the NGLCC board.

! ! ! ! ! !

Let's show them that we can pull far more business by agreeing to boycott all McDonald's restaurants until this policy is reversed. I never eat at McDonald's anyway, so my boycott will be easy. But I promise to give up something else in solidarity with those who join this boycott!

AFA is the American Family Association, a Christian organization promoting the biblical ethic of 'decency.' They promote boycotts of TV shows, movies, businesses, corporations, etc. that encourage 'indecency,' 'obscenity,' and 'homosexuality.' (Gotta love that homosexuality is equated with indecency and obscenity in their mandate!) They oppose employment benefits for same-sex partners. They bandy about terms such as "the gay agenda." Here's a paragraph from Wikipedia:

"The AFA expresses public concern over what it refers to as the 'homosexual agenda.' They claim that the bible 'declares that homosexuality is unnatural and sinful.' The AFA actively lobbies against the social acceptance of homosexual behavior.The AFA also actively promotes the idea that homosexuality is a choice and sexual orientation can be changed through religious teachings in 'ex-gay ministries'."

Here are some examples of their boycotts, also from Wiki:

In 2005, the AFA boycotted the company American Girl, seller of dolls and accessories, because the company supported the charity Girls, Inc., which they considered problematic because Girls, Inc. financially supported groups they felt supported the gay and pro-choice "agendas."

In spring 2005, the AFA launched a boycott of Ford for advertising in gay magazines, donating to gay-rights organizations, and sponsoring gay pride celebrations.

In 2006, the AFA urged its members to condemn Sears for running commercials on Logo, an LGBT cable channel.

On August 25, 2008, the AFA announced their boycott of Hallmark Cards for their decision to start selling same-sex wedding cards.

It's bullshit when an extremist, hate-spewing religious organization can actually force businesses to withdraw their support for LGBT issues. Boycott McDonald's, people, please! And if you feel so moved, let them know why you are doing so:

Phone: 1-800-244-6227
E-mail form:
http://apps.mcdonalds.com/contactus/navigate.do?link=socialresp

Write:
McDonald’s Corporation
2111 McDonald's Dr.
Oak Brook, IL 60523
U.S.A.

Thanks,
Lisa.

Just wanted to say...

There were many, many times when I may have disturbed you, troubled you, pestered you, irritated you, bugged you, or got on your nerves with all the posts I do. So today I just wanted to tell you.....

Tough Shit!
There are no changes scheduled.

Initiative 1000: Intensely personal

There's renewed energy behind the right-to-die movement: a voter initiative on the Washington State ballot would allow doctors to prescribe lethal drugs to dying patients.

If residents approve the measure, known as Initiative 1000 or the "Washington Death with Dignity Initiative," the state would become only the second in the country to allow the terminally ill to die with the help of a doctor. Oregon approved its own law in 1994.

Washington State voters rejected physician-assisted suicide in 1991, as have those in California, Michigan and Maine, the Associated Press notes. But unlike the first, failed initiative in Washington State, this one—sponsored by a coalition led by former Washington State Gov. Booth Gardner, who has Parkinson's disease—wouldn't let doctors administer lethal medicines to patients who can't take them on their own. Only the patients themselves would be able to use them to commit suicide.

Here are the parameters of the proposed law, according to the Yes on I-1000 Web site: Patients would have to be state residents who are 18 or older, be diagnosed with a terminal illness that gives them six months or less to live, and be mentally competent. They'd have to make three requests for medication — two verbal, and one in writing — with a 15-day waiting period between the first verbal request and the written one. There would be another 48-hour wait between the written request and the writing of the actual prescription.

Two people would have to witness the signing of the written request.

Since Oregon's law went into effect in 1997, 340 people have taken their lives, the AP says. That law, as well as the proposed Washington State measure, stop short of allowing euthanasia as it works in the Netherlands, the Seattle Times notes. There, doctors can administer lethal drugs.

(Image by iStockphoto/Arne Trautmann)

Vote Yes! on I-1000 - click above for more information

Truths

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

So That's Why!

A blue whale produces over 400 gallons of semen when it ejaculates;

BUT:

* Only 10% of the semen actually makes it into his mate.
* So, 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean everytime he unloads.

You wonder why the ocean tastes so salty....

Now you know!

Don't drink the water!

Note from Urban Legends (snopes.com):

This bit of Internet insanity has one key point running against it: it's not a photograph of a blue whale.

The star of this celebrated picture is a a genteel marine critter which is not a whale but rather a member of the shark family. Specimens of this species can grow to be 46 feet long and weigh up to 15 tons. On average, they reach about 25 feet in length.

In contrast, blue whales can grow to be 94 feet long and weigh up to 174 tons. An average one will be about 80 feet long and weigh about 120 tons.

The whale shark (like all sharks) lacks a penis, so the circled item in the photo above is not that anatomical item, no matter what it looks like. (Male sharks perform their part of the mating process with the aid of their two rod-like appendages of their pelvic fins that are rotated and inserted into the female's at mating time.)

As to what the item hanging down is, the best guess from folks who study sharks has it that part of a female shark's intestines extruded through her cloaca, probably because of the ropes cutting into her.

Regarding how much sperm a blue whale ejaculates, we've yet to encounter the researcher who would admit having studied this. Ergo, the e-mail's claims about the ejaculatory habits of this creature (400 gallons of sperm per emission, 360 of which ends up in the ocean) should be viewed as literary embellishment.

But the joke is still funny in The Wizard's opinion!

Talking Clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yep" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For God sake, you asshole....it's ten past three in the morning!"

Who Said This?

"I believe that to have a friend,
a man must be one.

That all men are created equal
and that everyone has within himself
the power to make this a better world.

That God put the firewood there
but that every man
must gather and light it himself.

In being prepared
physically, mentally, and morally
to fight when necessary
for that which is right.

That a man should make the most
of what equipment he has.

That 'This government,
of the people, by the people
and for the people'
shall live always.

That men should live by
the rule of what is best
for the greatest number.

That sooner or later...
somewhere...somehow...
we must settle with the world
and make payment for what we have taken.

That all things change but truth,
and that truth alone, lives on forever.

In my Creator, my country, my fellow man."

Click here to find out who said this.

The Seven Teachings

Click on the image for an interpretation of The Seven Teachings

*Thanks, Daryn

One Oxymoron* - There Are Two Of Them

One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.

One was blind and the other couldn't, see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"

A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,

A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don't believe all my lies are true,
Then ask the blind man 'cuz he saw it too.

Ladies and jelly spoons, hobos and tramps,
Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bow-legged ants,
I stand before you to sit behind you
To tell you something I know nothing about.

Next Thursday, which is Good Friday,
There’s a Mother’s Day meeting for fathers only.
Wear your best clothes if you haven’t any.
Please come if you can’t; if you can, stay at home.

Admission is free; pay at the door.
Pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
It makes no difference where you sit;
The man in the gallery’s sure to spit.

The show is over, but before you go,
Let me tell you a story I don’t really know.

*Oxymoron

AAADD

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'l l try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail...

*Thanks, DW

One Oxymoron* - There Are Two Of Them

One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.

One was blind and the other couldn't, see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"

A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,

A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don't believe all my lies are true,
Then ask the blind man 'cuz he saw it too.

Ladies and jelly spoons, hobos and tramps,
Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bow-legged ants,
I stand before you to sit behind you
To tell you something I know nothing about.

Next Thursday, which is Good Friday,
There’s a Mother’s Day meeting for fathers only.
Wear your best clothes if you haven’t any.
Please come if you can’t; if you can, stay at home.

Admission is free; pay at the door.
Pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
It makes no difference where you sit;
The man in the gallery’s sure to spit.

The show is over, but before you go,
Let me tell you a story I don’t really know.

*Oxymoron

The Pink Spotlight on Long John Baldry

Background information
Birth name John William Baldry
Born January 12, 1941
East Haddon,
Northamptonshire, England
Died July 21, 2005 (aged 64)
Vancouver,
British Columbia, Canada

Website JohnBaldry.com

John William Baldry, popularly known as Long John Baldry, (January 12, 1941 – July 21, 2005) was an English blues singer. He sang with many notable British musicians, with Rod Stewart and Elton John appearing in bands led by Baldry at various stages of the 1960s. He enjoyed pop success in the UK where "Let the Heartaches Begin" reached No. 1 in 1967 and in Australia where his duet with Kathi McDonald "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" reached No. 2 in the charts in 1980. Baldry lived in Canada from the late 1970s until his death, where he continued to make records and do voiceover work. He is known by a younger generation as the voice of Dr. Robotnik in Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog.

Blues bands of the 1960s
Born John William Baldry in England, he grew to a towering 2.01 m (6 ft.7 in.) that resulted in the nickname "Long" John. Gifted with a deep, rich voice, he was one of the first British vocalists to sing blues music in clubs.

He sometimes appeared on Eel Pie Island, which is situated on the River Thames at Twickenham and, also at the Station Hotel in Richmond, Surrey which was one of the Rolling Stones' earliest regular gigs.

In the early 1960s, he sang with Alexis Korner's band Blues Incorporated, with whom he recorded the first British blues album in 1962, R&B at the Marquee. At various stages, Mick Jagger, Jack Bruce and Charlie Watts were members of this band while Keith Richards and Brian Jones played on stage with them, although none of those musicians played on the R&B at the Marquee album. The Rolling Stones supported Baldry in their first concert at the Marquee Club. Later, Baldry would be featured as the announcer introducing The Stones on their US-only live album, Got Live if You Want It!, in 1966.

Baldry became friends with Paul McCartney after playing a show at the Cavern Club in Liverpool in the early 1960s, leading to an invitation to play on one of The Beatles 1964 TV specials.

In 1963, Baldry joined the Cyril Davies R&B All Stars with Jimmy Page on guitar and Nicky Hopkins playing piano. He took over the group in 1964 after the death of Cyril Davies, which became Long John Baldry and his Hoochie Coochie Men featuring Rod Stewart on vocals and Geoff Bradford on guitar. Rod Stewart was recruited after Baldry heard him busking a Muddy Waters song at Twickenham railway station after Stewart had been to a gig at Eel Pie Island.

In 1965, the Hoochie Coochie Men became Steampacket with Baldry and Stewart as male vocalists, Julie Driscoll as the female vocalist and Brian Auger on Hammond organ. After Steampacket broke up in 1966, Baldry formed Bluesology featuring Reg Dwight on keyboards and Elton Dean, later of Soft Machine, as well as Caleb Quaye on guitar. Reg Dwight decided to adopt the name Elton John, taking his first name from Dean and his surname from Baldry's first name.

Solo artist
Long John's Blues 1964In 1967, he recorded a pop song "Let the Heartaches Begin" that went to number one in Britain, followed by a 1968 top 20 hit titled "Mexico", which was the official theme of the UK Olympic team in that year. "Let the Heartaches Begin" made the lower reaches of the Billboard Hot 100 in the US.

Bluesology broke up in 1968, with Baldry continuing his solo career and Elton John forming a songwriting partnership with Bernie Taupin. In 1969, Elton John tried to commit suicide after having relationship problems with a woman he was engaged to. Taupin and Baldry, who was openly gay, found him, and Baldry talked him out of marrying the woman, helping to make John more comfortable with his sexuality. The hit song "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" from Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy was written about the experience.

In 1971, John and Stewart each produced one side of It Ain't Easy which became Baldry's most popular album and made the top 100 of the US album charts. The album featured the song "Don't Try to Lay No Boogie Woogie on the King of Rock and Roll" which became his most successful song in the US. John's first tour of the US was around this time. The band included, Micky Waller, Ian Armitt, Pete Sears, and Sammy Mitchell. Stewart and John would again co-produce his 1972 album Everything Stops For Tea which made the lower reaches of the US album charts. The same year, Baldry worked with ex-Procol Harum guitarist Dave Ball.

Baldry would then suffer from mental health problems resulting in his being institutionalised. The 1979 album Baldry's Out was recorded after his release.

Long John Baldry played his last live show in Columbus, Ohio, on July 19, 2004, at Barristers Hall with guitarist Bobby Cameron. The show was produced by Andrew Myers. On that occasion, John and Bobby played to a small intimate group of people. Some came from as far away as Texas to witness this blues performer. Two years previously the two had also completed a 10-venue sell-out tour of Canada together.

Television
In 1985, he lent his voice to the show Ewoks. Since then Baldry's voice has appeared in many other animated series.

1989 — Salty's Lighthouse as Top Hat, Hercules and Stanley/Chooch
1989 — Dragon Quest a.k.a. Dragon Warrior
1989 — Captain N: The Game Master
1990 — Captain N & the Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3
1990 — Madeline
1991 — Bucky O'Hare and the Toad Wars as Toad Air Marshal
1992 — Conan the Adventurer as Wrath-Amon
1993 — Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog as Dr. Robotnik
1994 — ReBoot as Captain Capacitor (1994, 1997-1998) and Old Man Pearson (1994-1996, 1997)
1996 — Sonic Christmas Blast as Dr. Ivo Robotnik
1999 — Sabrina, the Animated Series
1999 — Toad Patrol as Mistle Toad

Canadian citizenship
After spending time in New York City and Los Angeles in 1978, Baldry chose to settle permanently in Vancouver, British Columbia, where he became a Canadian citizen. He regularly toured the Canadian west coast, as well as the U.S. Northwest. Baldry also toured the Canadian east, including one 1985 show in Kingston, Ontario, where audience members repeatedly called for the title track from his 1979 album Baldry's Out!--to which he replied, "I'll say he is!"

In 1979, he teamed up with Seattle singer Kathi MacDonald to record a version of The Righteous Brothers' "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin", following which MacDonald became a permanent part of his touring group for the next two decades. The song made the lower reaches of the US Billboard charts but was a top 5 hit in Australia in 1980. He last recorded with the Stony Plain record label. His 1997 album Right To Sing The Blues won a Juno Award in the Blues Album of the Year category in the Juno Awards of 1997.

Death
Long John Baldry died on July 21, 2005, in a Vancouver hospital of a severe chest infection. Coincidentally, Deem Bristow, Robotnik's later voice actor had died earlier that same year.

*From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway stark naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.


The drunk leans oven the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says: 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...

'Grandpa!..... Go home! You're drunk!

*Thanks, Daryn

Bald IS Good!

We [bald men] don't spend all our time shampooing and rinsing our hair. It's one of the many selfless acts we bald men perform every day to make our world a better place. The bald also don't have use for plastic combs, or no hair dryers either so that's gotta save on electricity. Come on. We have got to go bald - all of us. Walking around with a full head of hair is like driving an SUV or dumping toxic sludge into a river. It's irresponsible. Hey, you hair people, shame on you!

*Thanks, Daryn

OH- NO! - Canada!

Note that the date of this original post was September 9th!

Seats (est) Before/After
Conservative 142/143
Liberal 103/76
Bloc 50/50
NDP 29/37
Green 1/0
IND 0/0

So, the only good thing that I see that came from this election was the rise in NDP and the maintaining of PC minority- however the government is actually weaker than before the election due to the loss of seats for the Official Opposition. Need to see the NDP work with the Bloc to help Liberals stop the Harper agenda - see note in red at the bottom of this post..

With the 2008, 40th Canadian Election starting the fact that the estimated cost of that election is a staggering $290,000,000.00! With 308 ridings that is an average cost of $941,500.00 for each riding! The current population in Canada is approx 33,760,000, the cost to each each man, woman and child in Canada is about $8.59 - that includes a whole bunch of our babies!

The election lasts for 36 days so that works out to $8,055,555.00 EACH DAY!

So The Wizard wants to know... What are they spending our taxpayers money on, for an election that we don't need, for an election that we don't want and an election that will get us back to where we stood before the election was called...

Please don't say "Conservative Majority!

Hunk of the day...

*Thanks, DW!

ELECTION DAY!

Get out and V-O-T-E!

Now You Know...

The Amazing Woman!

Warning! -- This one is long and very, very shaggy!

An ambitious consultant finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life...at least for awhile. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her:

"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please -- would you like to have a drink?

"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines -- strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean...?", he replied, ".........I can check my e-mail from here?"

The Peepee List

Next time you go to the public toilets you may observe one of the following types of vistors:

Excitable Type
Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

Sociable Type
Joins pals for a piss whether he wants one or not.

Timid Type
Cannot piss if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.

Noisy Type
Whistles loudly, peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.

Indifferent Type
All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

Clever Type
Pisses without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time.

Vain Type
Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

Absent-Minded Type
Opens jacket, takes out tie, pisses in pants.

Worried Type
Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while pissing.

Disgruntled Type
Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to piss, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.

Sneaky Type
Drops silent farts while pissing and looks at the bloke next to him.

Sloppy Type
Pisses on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.

Learned Type
Reads a book or newspaper while pissing.

Childish Type
Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while pissing.

Strong Type
Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.

Drunken Type
Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pisses in trousers.

Embarrassed Type
Covers tool with both hands and pisses through fingers.

Cock-Eyed Type
Stands in one cubical and pisses in next one.

Happy Columbus Day!

In 1492

In fourteen hundred ninety-two
Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

He had three ships and left from Spain;
He sailed through sunshine, wind and rain.

He sailed by night; he sailed by day;
He used the stars to find his way.

A compass also helped him know
How to find the way to go.

Ninety sailors were on board;
Some men worked while others snored.

Then the workers went to sleep;
And others watched the ocean deep.

Day after day they looked for land;
They dreamed of trees and rocks and sand.

October 12 their dream came true,
You never saw a happier crew!

"Indians! Indians!" Columbus cried;
His heart was filled with joyful pride.

But "India" the land was not;
It was the Bahamas, and it was hot.

The Arakawa natives were very nice;
They gave the sailors food and spice.

Columbus sailed on to find some gold
To bring back home, as he'd been told.

He made the trip again and again,
Trading gold to bring to Spain.

The first American? No, not quite.
But Columbus was brave, and he was bright.

Happy Thanksgiving Day!

Twas the night before Thanksgiving and in my sleep.
Strange dreams in my mind, began to creep

Thanksgiving leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation......
The thought of a snack became infatuation.....

So to the kitchen I did race, Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky....
With a mouthful l of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees.

HAPPY EATING TO ALL!
PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!
-- author not known

Zac Efron attacked by crazed stalker

Zac Efron was attacked by a crazed stalker on Wednesday, according to UK newspaper The Daily Mail. The High School Musical star and girlfriend/co-star Vanessa Hudgens are in London to promote their new movie, High School Musical 3: Senior Year. While there, they went to see a West End performance of Rain Man starring Josh Hartnett and following the play, as they exited the theater, a middle-aged man lunged at the couple and tried to grab Efron’s hair. Efron was knocked to the ground before bodyguards were able to pull the man away. A witness told the newspaper: ”Some guy was just stood near the door where Zac and Vanessa emerged. He just reached over and grabbed the side of Zac’s head… He was shouting all kinds of things at Zac. Their security team eventually dealt with it. They had to bundle Zac into a car, but at one point it looked as though the man was going to be pushed into it with him.” Efron was unhurt, and was later seen at a restaurant with his co-stars. A fellow diner said: “Some of them were dancing to salsa music, so they must have put the scuffle out of their minds.” High School Musical 3: Senior Year, which debuts in the UK on October 22, has had record-breaking advance sales in Britain.

*Tribute.ca

Do not leave alcohol near your pumpkins...

*Thanks, DW

Remembering Matthew

Click above

Irish Wit

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'


Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'


Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy... He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

*Thanks, Pam

Paraphrasing and with apologies to Hunter S. Thompson!

“The stock market is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There is also a negative side.”

*Thanks, Erwin