Oak Trees

Live oak trees in the median of U.S. Highway 90 Biloxi that died as a result of hurricane Katrina received new life at the hands of a skilled chain saw artist.

*Thanks, Ken

hehe

I was walking down the street the other day when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I got ten dollars out of my purse and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping, " the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out to dinner with my husband and I tonight."

The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

*Thanks, Andy

Cursing 101

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what? ' says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with "ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

*Thanks, Andy

Winnipeg police recover stolen Austrian jewel

A famous jewel crafted in 1864 for one of the most beautiful women in Europe has been traced to Winnipeg, and police allege it was stolen by a criminal organization worthy of a Hollywood film.


The jewel, named the Koechert Diamond Pearl, was designed for Empress Elisabeth of Austria in preparation for a court portrait.


More than a century later, in 1998, it went missing from a palace in Vienna.


Police allege a leading figure in the group behind the theft is 35-year-old Gerald Daniel Blanchard, of Vancouver, who was arrested in January. He now faces 41 charges. Investigators said Blanchard has an incredible knowledge of electronics, and allegedly used that talent to help the group in a crime spree that last for several years and spanned three continents.


"The electronics (used) were unknown to us and most police departments across Canada," said Sgt. Mitch McCormick of Winnipeg's Major Crimes Unit.


Blanchard had apparently rigged a security system in his condominium that allowed him to see people approaching his home from blocks away, but he was asleep at the time of his arrest.


Another seven people were arrested in Winnipeg, Edmonton and Vancouver, as part of an investigation called Project Kite.


The group faces numerous charges including fraud and participation in a criminal organization.


Police also allege they used fake passports, robbed banks and traded in firearms. But most of their money may have come from stolen credit card information, which they transferred to London, England.


"We discovered an international component with a number of individuals in Canada, whereby they were leaving the country, committing frauds and bringing the cash back," said Insp. Tom Legge.


Meanwhile, the Austrian government is eager to have the Koechert Diamond Pearl returned to the country.


Police said only a professional thief could have taken the diamond.


"It was on exhibit in an alarmed, glass, secure case. Someone with enough talent or sophistication was able to steal it during the day," said Legge.

*CTV.ca News Staff, With reports from CTV Winnipeg

Joke of the Day

Click Above.

Eighteen Random Rules of Life

Here are 18 random rules of life worth posting on your mirror or, better yet, using as dinner-time discussion starters:

1. Find the lesson in every failure, and you’ll never fail.

2. The likelihood that you’re right is not increased by the intensity of your conviction.

3. Real friends help you feel worthy and make you want to be better.

4. When you’re in a hole, stop digging.

5. Don’t confuse fun with fulfillment, or pleasure with happiness.

6. Refusing to let go of a grudge is refusing to use the key that will set you free.
7. Hating hurts you more than the person you hate.

8. Counting on luck is counting on random chance; your odds are much better when you plan and work.

9. It’s better to be kind than clever.

10. Don’t underestimate the power of persistence.

11. The easy way is rarely the best way.

12. It’s much easier to burst someone else’s bubble than to blow up your own.

13. You can’t avoid pain, but you can avoid suffering.

14. Self-pity is a losing strategy; it repels others and weakens you.

15. Shortcuts usually produce short success.

16. Control your attitude or it will control you.

17. It’s more important to be significant than successful.

18. The world is waiting for you to heal it.

*Michael Josephson, Character Counts!

The Compliment

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly, and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."


The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

*Thanks, Andy

No 2 Pencil

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)..... You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came To her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

*Thanks, Andy

MySpace Outage Leaves Millions Friendless

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—An estimated 150 million people continued to be without social lives Tuesday as a massive system failure at MySpace.com entered its third day.

"The problem is taking longer than we anticipated, but rest assured we're working around the clock to get MySpace back online," said David Gundy, a spokesman for the social networking site. "We're hoping to have friendship restored to our users as soon as possible."

The outage, which occurred late Saturday night, is believed to be the result of a complicated wallpaper upload for the page of a former VH1 I Love New York contestant, which triggered a chain reaction of web browser crashes and server shutdowns. Although MySpace's emergency-response team has so far been unable to reconnect any of the millions currently stranded without access to online companionship, Gundy said he remains hopeful that no profiles have been lost.

However, because the sudden lack of friends has deprived MySpace users of comments, bulletin posts, and searches for elementary school crushes, it is feared that the ordeal could inflict long-term psychological damage. In Chicago alone, an estimated 50,000 people remain trapped in their apartments, with no way of contacting the outside world about new bands, Adult Swim cartoons, or the latest video games.

"I lost 6,456 of my best friends in an instant," said Minneapolis resident Peter Steinberg, 20, who has loyally befriended as many profiles as possible over the past two years. "Nothing can describe how devastated I feel. Some of these people I've exchanged two, even three comments with, and I can't tell you how many ROTFLMAOs we've shared, too."

--more--

*The Onion

The First Email Message

Who sent it, and when?

"The histories of ideas and concepts are at least as complicated as they are interesting, and it's usually difficult to point to a historical "first". Still, there must have been a first email, and luckily we know quite a bit about how it came about and when it was sent."

--more--

*email.about.com

What to wear when the wife wants you to do some chores...

*Thanks, Andy!

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.


Life is sexually transmitted.


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?


Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"


Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."


Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?


Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

*Thanks, Daryn

TRUE or FALSE?

Samurai warriors were forbidden to use firearms.

Once firearms became available, Samurai warriors used a rifle called the harquebus, which was the first gun that could be fired from the shoulder. Invented in Spain, it was brought to Japan on a Portuguese ship during the 1500s.

DeLorean cars were manufactured in Northern Ireland.

DeLoreans were made in a factory in West Belfast. Though they had a short run, DeLoreans achieved cult status for their roles in the Back to the Future movies. In the series, Michael J. Fox’s character, Marty McFly, is able to travel through time once he gets his DeLorean up to 88 m.p.h.

A man named Mr. Bell is the founder of Taco Bell.

Glen Bell opened a Mexican fast-food stand and called it Taco Tias. It eventually became a chain and he changed the name to El Tacos. He finally changed it to Taco Bell around 1962 and the name stuck. Incidentally, if Bell had gone with one of his original ideas, we could have ended up with a chain of restaurants called Hot Dog Bell.

Temperatures 30 times hotter than the Sun can occur on Earth.

Nuclear fission creates temperatures that are about 30 times hotter than the Sun. When neutrons moving at very high speeds strike an atom’s nucleus, the latter splits into two pieces, releasing more neutrons. These neutrons, also moving very rapidly, strike more nuclei, creating more neutrons. In less than a second, this chain multiplies so quickly that energy creates extreme heat. The Sun is about 25 million°F at its center, meaning that humans can create temperatures of about 750 million°F.

OLD HAROLD

Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing Bastard! ----- What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's..."

*Thanks, Daryn

How True!

*Thanks, Andy

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

ON DO WE GET CUT RATES FOR URNS?

ADULTS: 1 USD

CHILD: 50 CENTS

CADAVERS: SUBJECT TO NEGOTIATION

--sign at ferry terminal, Davao, Philippines

ON GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS, EXTRAORDINARILY STRANGE
Umberto Bossi. Been born, 1941. Conjugated, 4 sons. In 1979 enters into contact with the world and ne she becomes the flagman...Journalist, is founding of various various journalistic heads and average...he comes to an agreement himself with the Pole of Freedoms.

--from the listing of government officials on the official Web site of the Italian government (www.governo.it), later removed (The official excuse was that they were using a machine translation software as a trial run, and not for general consumption.)

ON THANKS FOR THE INSIGHT
"This global terrorism is everywhere."

--Madonna

ON REALITY PROBLEMS, RED SOX ANNOUNCERS AND
"I think that ball fooled Nomar. I think it was hit harder than it actually was."

--Red Sox sportscaster Joe Castiglione

ON THIS GIVES NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE “LOUD CLOTHING”
"[That was] the shirt heard round the world."

--Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-Massachusetts)

ON SECOND COMINGS, MAKING THEM EASIER
CHRIST IS COMING!

PLEASE DO NOT OBSTRUCT THESE GATES.

--two signs, one on top of the other, at St. Paul’s Cathedral, London

ON EXCUSES, TYPICAL CLINTONIAN
"There were a lot of times when we were alone, but I never really thought we were. "

--President Bill Clinton, in his grand jury testimony

The 411 - Flin Flon

Flin Flon was founded in 1927 by the firm Hudson Bay Mining and Smelting which exploited the large copper and zinc ore supplies in the region. A rail line reached the mine in 1928, and HBM&S invested in railway, mine, smelter, and a 101 megawatt hydroelectric power plant at Island Falls, Saskatchewan in the 1920s. The town grew considerably during the 1930s as farmers, left impoverished by the Great Depression, abandoned their farms and came to work at the mines. The municipality was incorporated January 1, 1933 and since 1970 the community has been a city. The city has continued to be a mining centre, with the development of several mines adding to its industrial base. With a scenic setting and a number of nearby lakes, Flin Flon has also become a moderately popular tourist destination.

Like Lloydminster, the city in both Alberta and Saskatchewan, Flin Flon also straddles a provincial border, in this case, that of Manitoba and Saskatchewan, although only a small section of the city is located in the latter province. The 2001 census reported exactly 6,000 persons residing in the Manitoba portion and only 267 persons in the Saskatchewan part. The Saskatchewan portion of Flin Flon declined in population according to the 2006 census and was recorded at 242 residents. This was a 9.4% decrease

Although zinc production usually emits large amounts of sulfur dioxide, the HBM&S plant uses a zinc pressure leaching process which greatly reduces emissions.

Flin Flon is the birthplace of hockey legend Bobby Clarke, and is home to the Flin Flon Bombers ice hockey team.

The town's name is taken from the lead character in a paperback novel, The Sunless City by J.E. Preston Muddock. A prospector named Tom Creighton found the book in the wilderness. The story is about a man named Josiah Flintabbatey Flonatin, who piloted a submarine through a bottomless lake. Upon passing through a hole lined with gold, he found a strange underground world.

When Tom Creighton discovered a rich vein of almost pure copper, he thought of the book and called it Flin Flon's mine, mercifully shortening the name. The town that sprung up around the mine adopted the name. Flin Flon shares with Tarzana, California the distinction of being named after a character in a science fiction novel.


The character of "Flinty" is of such importance to the identity of the city that the local Chamber of Commerce commissioned the minting of a $3.00 coin, which was considered legal tender within the city during the year following its issue. A statue representing Flinty was designed by cartoonist Al Capp and is one of the points of interest of the city.


Flin Flon gained international notoriety in 2002 when the Government of Canada awarded a four-year contract to a Saskatoon, Saskatchewan-based company for the production of medicinal marijuana. Medicinal marijuana is only available in Canada with a doctor's prescription. Canadian users of medicinal marijuana must agree to provide information to Health Canada for research purposes.

Prairie Plant Systems, based in Saskatoon, has used an inactive underground copper/zinc drift owned by the Hudson Bay Mining and Smelting Company to produce approximately 400 kilograms of medicinal marijuana annually. The entire operation is several hundred metres under Flin Flon for security and climate control reasons.

Since the original stock of marijuana seeds were obtained from Royal Canadian Mounted Police drug raids, there was some lack of consistency in the early crops of medicinal marijuana. After selective use of seeds from the first crop, subsequent generations have shown to have a more consistent quality.

*From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Codificationof Marriage - Bush Style

Candy-Flavored Meth Targets New Users

"Strawberry Quick" Combines Meth With Sweet Kids Drink Mix

PLEASE PASS ALONG

Emergency responder organizations to be on the lookout for a new form of Crystallized Meth that is targeted at children and to be aware of this new

form if called to an emergency involving a child that may have symptoms of drug induction or overdose.

They are calling this new form of Meth "Strawberry Quick" and it looks like the "Pop Rocks" candy that sizzle in your mouth. In it's current form, it is dark pink in color and has a strawberry scent to it.

Please advise your children and their friends and other students not to accept candy from strangers as this is obviously an attempt to seduce children into drug use. They also need to be cautious in accepting candy from even friends that may have received it from someone else, thinking it is just candy.


This connects to the story at CBS.com

*Thanks, Daryn

Real Scots

*Thanks, Daryn

The Slacker

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

*Thanks,Pam!

A Canadian fact...

Did you know…


A 2006 study found that the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Canadians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year, that means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles per gallon.

Excellent mileage.

*Thanks, Andy