"I Have A Dream"

Delivered on the steps at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. on August 28, 1963. Source: Martin Luther King, Jr: The Peaceful Warrior, Pocket Books, NY 1968

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of captivity. But one hundred years later, we must face the tragic fact that the Negro is still not free.

One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land.

So we have come here today to dramatize an appalling condition. In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir.

This note was a promise that all men would be guaranteed the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation.

So we have come to cash this check -- a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to open the doors of opportunity to all of God's children. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment and to underestimate the determination of the Negro. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights.

The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges. But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. we must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone. And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" we can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair. I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring." And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania! Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado! Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California! But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia! Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee! Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

by Martin Luther King, Jr

More US stations drop gay show

The outcry surrounding a gay TV program is continuing to be felt across America.

Two more television stations have announced that they will not air the new NBC drama The Book of Daniel, about an Episcopal priest with a gay son, because of pressure from viewers about the show's content.

The two stations, WTVA in Tupelo, Mississippi, and KAMR in Amarillo, Texas, bring to six the total number of NBC affiliates that have cancelled the show. Two other stations in Mississippi and Texas, as well as one each in Arkansas and Indiana, pulled the show last week.

The Tupelo-based American Family Association, a conservative religious organization, has coordinated an effort with other right-wing groups to protest Daniel. The groups claim it portrays Christians in an unflattering way.

The Book of Daniel dramatises the life of an Episcopal priest named Daniel Webster and his family, which includes a gay adult son, a sexually active teenage son, a daughter caught selling marijuana and a wife who's no stranger to afternoon martinis.

In addition, the priest receives casual visits from a bearded Jesus who counsels and sometimes jokes with Webster, who strives to be a good priest, husband and father.

The NBC series debuted January 7.

Tupelo station WTVA said it received 1,500 e-mails and phone calls asking the station not to air the show, compared with three in support of the show, the Associated Press reported. The station aired infomercials instead.

NBC has defended the show, calling it a "thought-provoking examination of one American family".

Man robs Burger King restaurant, returns the following week to apply for a job - and is hired

A Burger King cashier told deputies that she almost fainted when she turned around and saw, working next to her behind the counter, a man she recognized as the person who had robbed this same Grand Island restaurant last week. The man was starting his first day on the job Wednesday at the Burger King on Grand Island Boulevard, which had been robbed on Jan. 6, according to the Erie County Sheriff's Department. The cashier had been handed a note by a well-dressed bandit, wearing a white winter coat, shirt and tie, demanding all the money in her cash drawer. He made off with $231. Adam Ruiz, 29, of Staley Road, Grand Island, was arrested without incident at 6 p.m. Wednesday at the Burger King, where he was going through training for employment. Ruiz was arraigned in Grand Island Town Court on armed robbery charges on Thursday. Deputies said he was also being sought by Amherst authorities on a drug warrant.

I guess he couldn't Have it his way!

All-New Male Calendar

Powerpont Presentation. Click above

How Safe Is Your Workplace?

You probably clean vigorously at home, at least occasionally. But how often does this happen at work, the valiant efforts of the janitorial staff notwithstanding? Maybe not as effectively as you might wish or suspect, according to a five-city study of germs found in office settings. Charles Gerba, a microbiologist at the University of Arizona, collected samples from office buildings in Atlanta, Chicago, New York City, San Francisco and Tucson, Ariz., to determine how much human parainfluenza 1 virus was present. The virus is responsible for common respiratory infections, such as pneumonia and bronchiolitis. The survey collected samples from common areas: telephone mouthpieces, computer mice, desktops, doorknobs and handles, conference rooms, light switches and office cubicles. New York - where half of all office surfaces contained the virus - was the most virus-laden city, followed by Atlanta, San Francisco, Chicago and Tucson. Conference rooms were found to have far fewer germs than cubicles, while desktops had the most of the tested surfaces. In all office buildings, the light switch was the least contaminated site. Surfaces sampled included the telephone mouthpiece, computer mouse, desktop, doorknob/handles and light switches in offices, cubicles and conference rooms The study involved 328 surfaces and was conducted with a grant from Clorox Co., the Oakland, Calif.-based maker of cleaning products.

* by The Associated Press

The Bear

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." 

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate 

Oscar Winner Shelley Winters Dies at 85

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. - Shelley Winters, the forceful, outspoken star who graduated from blond bombshell parts to dramas, winning Academy Awards as supporting actress in "The Diary of Anne Frank" and "A Patch of Blue," has died. She was 85. Winters died of heart failure early Saturday at The Rehabilitation Centre of Beverly Hills, her publicist Dale Olson said. She was hospitalized in October after suffering a heart attack. The actress sustained her long career by repeatedly reinventing herself. Starting as a nightclub chorus girl, she advanced to supporting roles in New York plays, then became famous as a Hollywood sexpot. Serious roles A devotee of the Actors Studio, she switched to serious roles as she matured, and she won her Oscars portraying mothers. Still working well into her 70s, she had a recurring role as Roseanne's grandmother on the 1990s TV show "Roseanne." In 1959's "The Diary of Anne Frank," she was Petronella Van Daan, mother of Peter Van Daan and one of eight real-life Jewish refugees in World War II Holland who hid for more than a year in cramped quarters until they were betrayed and sent to Nazi death camps. The socially conscious Winters donated her Oscar statuette to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam. In 1965's "Patch of Blue," she portrayed a hateful, foul-mouthed mother who tries to keep her blind daughter, who is white, apart from the kind black man who has befriended her. Ever vocal on social and political matters, Winters was a favored guest on television talk shows, and she demonstrated her frankness in two autobiographies: "Shelley, Also Known as Shirley" (1980) and "Shelley II: The Middle of My Century" (1989). She wrote openly in them of her romances with Burt Lancaster, William Holden, Marlon Brando, Errol Flynn, Clark Gable and other leading men. "I've had it all," she exulted after her first book became a best seller. "I'm excited about the literary aspects of my career. My concentration is there now." Typically Winters, she also had a complaint about her literary fame: While reviewers treated her book as a serious human document, she said, talk show hosts Phil Donohue and Johnny Carson "only want to know about my love affairs." Early career Winters, whose given name was Shirley Schrift, was appearing in the Broadway hit "Rosalinda" when Columbia Pictures boss Harry Cohn offered her a screen test. A Columbia contact and a new name -- Shelley Winters -- followed, but all the good roles at the studio were going to Jean Arthur in those days. Her early films included such light fare as "Knickerbocker Holiday," "Sailor's Holiday," "Cover Girl," "Tonight and Every Night" and "Red River." Her contract over, Winters returned to New York, replacing Celeste Holm as Ado Annie in "Oklahoma!" She would soon be called back and signed to a seven-year contract at Universal. She vamped her way through a number of potboilers for the studio, including "South Sea Sinner," with Liberace as her dance-hall pianist, and "Frenchie," as wild saloon owner Frenchie Fontaine, out to avenge her father's murder. The only hint of her future as an actress came in 1948's "A Double Life" as a trashy waitress strangled by a Shakespearian actor, Ronald Colman. The role won Colman an Oscar. "A Place in the Sun" in 1951 brought her first Oscar nomination and established her as a serious actress. She desperately sought the role of the pregnant factory girl drowned by Montgomery Clift so he could marry Elizabeth Taylor. The director, George Stevens, rejected her at first for being too sexy. "So I scrubbed off all my makeup, pulled my hair back and sat next to him at the Hollywood Athletic Club without his even recognizing me because I looked so plain. That got me the part," she recalled in a 1962 interview. She received her final Oscar nomination, for 1972's "The Poseidon Adventure," in which she was one of a handful of passengers scrambling desperately to survive aboard an ocean liner turned upside down by a tidal wave. By then she had put on a good deal of weight, and following a scene in which her character must swim frantically she charmed audiences with the line: "In the water I'm a very skinny lady." Although she became in demand as a character actress after her first Oscar nomination, Winters continued to study her craft. She attended Charles Laughton's Shakespeare classes and worked at the Actors Studio, both as student and teacher. She appeared on Broadway as the distraught wife of a drug addict in "A Hatful of Rain" and as the Marx Brothers' mother in "Minnie's Boys." Among her other notable films: "Night of the Hunter" (Laughton's only film as director), "Executive Suite," "I Am a Camera," "The Big Knife," "Odds Against Tomorrow," "The Young Savages," "Lolita," "The Chapman Report," "The Greatest Story Ever Told," "A House Is Not a Home," "Alfie," "Harper," "Pete's Dragon," "Stepping Out" and "Over the Brooklyn Bridge." During her 50 years as a widely known personality, Winters was rarely out of the news. Her stormy marriages, her romances with famous stars, her forays into politics and feminist causes kept her name before the public. She delighted in giving provocative interviews and seemed to have an opinion on everything. Robert Mitchum once told her: "Shelley, arguing with you is like trying to hold a conversation with a swarm of bumblebees." Gossip fodder The revelations in her autobiographies provided endless material for interviewers and gossip writers. She wrote of an enchanted evening when she and Burt Lancaster attended "South Pacific" in New York, dined elegantly, then repaired to his hotel room. "This chance meeting proved to be the beginning of a long but painful romance," she wrote. "Despite the immediate and powerful chemistry between us, the love and the friendship, some wise part of me knew that he would never abandon his children while they were young and needed him." She also told of a dalliance with William Holden after a studio Christmas party. In a glamorous, real-life version of the play "Same Time, Next Year," they continued their annual Yuletide rendezvous for seven years. She wrote that despite their intimacy, they continued to refer to each other as "Mr. Holden" and "Miss Winters," and when they met on the set of the 1981 film "S.O.B." she said, "Hello, Mr. Holden." He smiled and replied, "Shelley, after your book, I think you should call me Bill." 'Blur of memories' Shirley Schrift was born on Aug. 18, 1920, and grew up in New York City's borough of Brooklyn, where she appeared in high school plays. "My childhood is a blur of memories," she wrote in the first of her autobiographies. "Money was so scarce in my family that at the age of 9 I was selling magazine subscriptions door-to-door. "It was during this stage of my life that I developed a whole fantasy world; reality was too unbearable. Every chance I got, I was at the movies. I adored them." Working as a chorus girl and garment district model helped finance her drama studies. She gained practical training by appearing in plays and musicals on the summer Borscht Circuit in the Catskill mountains. During the Detroit run of a musical revue, she married a businessman, Paul "Mack" Mayer on Jan. 1, 1942. He entered the Army Air Corps, and after the war the pair found they had little in common. They divorced in 1948. Winters' second and third marriages were brief and tempestuous: to Vittorio Gassman (1952-1954) and Anthony Franciosa (1957-1960). The combination of a Jewish Brooklynite and Italian actors seemed destined to produce fireworks, and both unions resulted in headlines. A daughter, Vittoria, resulted from the marriage to Gassman. She became a successful physician.

* © 2006 The Associated Press Buy this and other memoribilia from MovieGoods.com®

Tech Calls (Help Desk)

Hopefully you won't find yourself on either side of these calls.... 

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? 

Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right? 

Customer: Yeah.... 

Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using? 

Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.... 

Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! It is a funny joke, however a cd player could not read the cd unless there was an mp3 file in the root of the drive. So no sound would come out.  

 Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? 

Female customer: A white one...

   

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. 

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? 

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. 

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. 

Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....  

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen. 

Customer: Your left or my left? 

 

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? 

Male customer: Hello... I can't print. 

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... 

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, darn it!  

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...  

Customer: I have problems printing in red... 

Tech support: Do you have a color printer? 

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. 

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? 

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.  

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. 

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? 

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. 

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. 

Customer: OK 

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? 

Customer: Yes 

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? 

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.

   

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. 

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?  

Customer: I can't get on the Internet. 

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? 

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. 

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? 

Customer: Five stars.

 

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? 

Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. 

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. 

 

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.  

Tech support: How may I help you? 

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. 

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? 

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?  

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. 

Tech support: Are you running it under windows? 

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."  

And last but not least:.... 

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." 

Customer: I don't have a P. 

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. 

Customer: What do you mean? 

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. 

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

 

Grandma's Boy

Starring: Allen Covert, Shirley Knight, Shirley Jones
Director: Nicholas Goossen
Fax: 2005, comedy

If you're a video game geek and/or a stoner, Grandma's Boy isn't a comedy -- it's a documentary.

For everyone else, it's an interminably flat, one-joke movie, admittedly with a couple of decent laughs. (Not surprising, it wasn't screened for critics before opening day. January is dumping-ground time, after all.)

Longtime Adam Sandler pal Allen Covert leads this unabashed celebration of arrested development as Alex, a 35-year-old video-game tester who's forced to move in with his grandmother (Doris Roberts) and the two friends (Shirley Jones and Shirley Knight) with whom she shares a primly decorated Victorian.

You know it's only a matter of time until these golden girls mistake his stash for tea and end up rolling on the floor in uncontrollable giggles -- though the running joke about Jones' character's sexual history with half of Hollywood is sort of a hoot, and it's oddly riveting to see her get her freak on here with a guy who's about 50 years her junior.

Linda Cardellini (Velma from the Scooby-Doo movies) co-stars as an inordinately attractive video-game expert, and several of Sandler's fellow Saturday Night Live alums make their usual appearances, this being A Happy Madison Production and all.

The movie does have a loopy spirit of multicultural, intergenerational bonding that's almost endearing. Alex's co-workers are twentysomething nerds of various ethnic backgrounds, and his drug dealer, Dante (Peter Dante), has a never-ending stream of diverse visitors who laze on the couch and sample his product.

Naturally, they all end up at the kind of raging party that only takes place in the movies, where bikers and grandmothers forge unexpected friendships over beer and breakfast cereal (everyone gets the munchies, regardless of age).

But that's the entirety of the film, directed by Nicholaus Goossen and written by Covert, co-star Nick Swardson and Barry Wernick. They smoke pot, they play video games, they goof on one another. Each character has his or her own joke to be saddled with the whole time. One particular misfit (Joel David Moore), the company's scrawny child prodigy, thinks he's Neo from The Matrix and talks to himself in a nasal robot voice when he's nervous, a shtick that grows annoying quickly.

The most intriguing aspect of sitting through Grandma's Boy is watching Covert and marveling at how much he looks and sounds like Mel Gibson. It makes you wonder what he and the rest of the Happy Madison crew could do with The Passion of the Christ.

* Review by Christy Lemire, Associated Press

Medical Advice

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist. "So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor."My local General Practitioner." "Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?" "HE told me to come and see YOU"

*Thanks, SalTCBug

Jokes - Some new, some old...

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

* DONATION *

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."


"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church ?"

"He will."

*CONFESSION*

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

*BROTHEL TRIP*

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

*SENILITY*

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

*PEST CONTROL*

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

*TWO SCOTTISH NUNS*

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

*Thanks, SalTCBug

"Parking Place"

As pastor of a two-church parish, my husband had to drive every Sunday morning about six kilometers from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot. The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church, where he posted a sign: YOU PARK - YOU PREACH. "News":

God called down to Moses and said, "I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

Moses replied, "Most merciful God, if I have brought you any favor, please give me the good news first."

"Moses, the good news is that I've chosen you to deliver my people from bondage," God answered. "I will force Pharaoh to release my children by causing years of pestilence in Egypt. There will be plagues of locusts and frogs and incredible devastation upon the land. Pharaoh's armies will chase you as you try to leave, but do not fear because I will part the waters of the Red Sea to aid in your escape."

"And the bad news?" Moses inquired.

"You have to prepare the Environmental Impact Statement,"  God replied.

Do Burned CDs Have a Short Life Span?

Opinions vary on how to preserve data on digital storage media, such as optical CDs and DVDs. Kurt Gerecke, a physicist and storage expert at IBM Deutschland, has his own view: If you want to avoid having to burn new CDs every few years, use magnetic tapes to store all your pictures, videos and songs for a lifetime.

"Unlike pressed original CDs, burned CDs have a relatively short life span of between two to five years, depending on the quality of the CD," Gerecke says. "There are a few things you can do to extend the life of a burned CD, like keeping the disc in a cool, dark space, but not a whole lot more."

The problem is material degradation. Optical discs commonly used for burning, such as CD-R and CD-RW, have a recording surface consisting of a layer of dye that can be modified by heat to store data. The degradation process can result in the data "shifting" on the surface and thus becoming unreadable to the laser beam.

"Many of the cheap burnable CDs available at discount stores have a life span of around two years," Gerecke says. "Some of the better-quality discs offer a longer life span, of a maximum of five years."

Distinguishing high-quality burnable CDs from low-quality discs is difficult, he says, because few vendors use life span as a selling point.

Similar Limitations

Hard-drive disks also have their limitations, according to Gerecke. The problem with hard drives, he says, is not so much the disk itself as it is the disk bearing, which has a positioning function similar to a ball bearing. "If the hard drive uses an inexpensive disk bearing, that bearing will wear out faster than a more expensive one," he says. His recommendation: a hard-drive disk with 7200 revolutions per minute.

To overcome the preservation limitations of burnable CDs, Gerecke suggests using magnetic tapes, which, he claims, can have a life span of 30 years to 100 years, depending on their quality. "Even if magnetic tapes are also subject to degradation, they're still the superior storage media," he says.

But he's quick to point out that no storage medium lasts forever and, consequently, consumers and business alike need to have a migration plan to new storage technologies.

"Companies, in particular, need to be constantly looking at new storage technologies and have an archiving strategy that allows them to automatically migrate to new technologies," he says. "Otherwise, they're going to wind up in a dead-end. And for those sitting on terabytes of crucial data, that could be a colossal problem."

* by John Blau, IDG News Service

So Ya wanna be a wino?

Click above to apply

Cliff Notes

"Everyone is the Swiss Army owns a Swiss Army Knife. That's why no one messes with Switzerland." 

"It's a little known fact that cows were domesticated in Mesopotamia and were also used in China as guard animals for the forbidden city." 

"It's a little known fact that smartest animal is a pig. Scientists say if pigs had thumbs and a language, they could be trained to do simple manual labor. They give you 20-30 years of loyal service and then at their retirement dinner you can eat them." 

"I wonder if you know that the harp is a predecessor of the modern day guitar. Early minstrels were much larger people. In fact, they had hands the size of small dogs." 

"If memory serves, the umbilical chord is 90% postassium." 

"It's a little known fact that the tan became popular in what is known as the Bronze Age." 

"If you were to go back in history and take every president, you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected. By my calculations, our next president has to be named Yellnick McWawa." 

"There's no rule against postal workers not dating women. It just works out that way." 

"They did a study between postal workers and chimpanzees. They proved chimps were 32% slower. Of course, they were better with public relations."

2006 List of Banished Words

SURREAL – One part opiate of the masses, 13 parts overuse. Oddly, news anchor and television small talk is becoming more surreal. “Dreams are surreal, not daily adjectives.” – Tracy from Murray, Ky. 

HUNKER DOWN – To brace oneself, in anticipation of media onslaught. Trotted out in reports about everything from politics to hurricanes. “I have a hankering to ban all of this hunkering.” – Kate Rabe Forgach, Fort Collins, Colo. 

PERSON OF INTEREST – Found within the context of legal commentary, but seldom encountered at cocktail parties. “People with guns want to talk with you.” – Melissa Carroll from Greensboro, NC. “Does this mean the rest of us are too boring to deal with?” – Patricia Johnson from Mechanicsville, Va. 

COMMUNITY OF LEARNERS – A five-dollar phrase on a nickel-errand. Value-added into many higher education mission statements. “Not to be confused with ‘school.'” – Jim Howard from Mishawa, Ind. 

UP OR DOWN VOTE – A casualty of today's partisanship. No discussion on this one; the committee just tossed a coin. “I see a bright future for ex-senators as elevator operators.” — Allan Dregseth, Fargo, ND. 

BREAKING NEWS – Once it stopped presses. Now it's a lower-intestinal condition brought about by eating dinner during newscasts. “Now they have to interrupt my supper to tell me that Katie Holmes is pregnant.” — Michael Raczko, Swanton, Ohio. 

DESIGNER BREED – Many nominators consider this a bastardization of dog breeding. It may be a good line to use on angry neighbors when an un-neutered dog escapes. “When you mate a miniature schnauzer to a toy poodle, it's not a ‘Schnoodle,' it's a mongrel.” – George Bullerjahn, Bowling Green, Ohio. 

FEMA – Dedicated to the memory of a great federal agency consigned to the ash heap of parody. “If they don't do anything, we don't need their acronym.” – Josh Hamilton, Tucson, Ariz. 

FIRST-TIME CALLER – Preamble often heard on talk radio. “I am serious in asking: who in any universe gives a care?” – Miguel McCormick, Orlando, Fla. 

PASS THE SAVINGS ON TO YOU! – Marketing catch phrase that became a lost-leader long ago. “Read: Pass the markup along to you.” – C. W. Estes, Roanoke, Tex. 

97% FAT FREE – Adventures in delusion. “Still has 3% fat . . . accept it.” – Andrew Clucas, Canberra, Australia. 

AN ACCIDENT THAT DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN – Best-laid mayhem. “This means some accidents need to happen, for whatever reason, I can't figure.” — Thomas Price, Orlando, Fla. 

JUNK SCIENCE –Banished from the Marketplace of Ideas. “It's not scientists who are using this phrase so much as the people who practice junk politics.” – Ron LaLonde, Inuvik, Northwest Territories, Canada. 

GIT-ER-DONE – (Any of its variations) It's overdone. “There's no escaping it. It's everywhere, from TV to T-shirts,” says Amanda Tikkanen of LaGrange, Ind. “Please tell me when we're done with this one.” 

DAWG – No designer breed here. Someone should wash out this Spot. “Even parents are starting to use it!” – complains Mrs. Swartz's Fifth Grade Class in Church Road, Va. “This is species confusion.” – Rob Bowers, Santa Clara, Calif. “Don't call me ‘dawg'! I'm not your pet!” – Michael Swartz, Albuquerque, NM. 

TALKING POINTS – Cover your ears! “Topics which will please those you want to impress.” – Michele Mooney, Van Nuys, Calif. Joe Wonsetler of Swanton, Ohio, believes the phrase was created after PR staffers stopped attending seminars on how to put a positive ‘spin' on their press releases. 

  HOLIDAY TREE – Many salvoes were fired during this past season's “war on Christmas.” At the risk of jumping into the breach, the committee feels that “Holiday tree” is a silly name for what most folks hold as a Christmas tree, no matter your preference of religion. Thank goodness we all agree on the first day of winter.

Current Definitions

Finally, some definitions that make sense.........

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in
the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are
dead.

COMMITTEE: body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Jeff Foxworthy on Saskatchewan

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you may live in Saskatchewan. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you may live in Saskatchewan. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you may live in Saskatchewan. If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Saskatchewan. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Saskatchewan.  

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Saskatchewanian when: 

1. "Vacation" means going South past Regina for the weekend. 

2. You measure distance in hours. 

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once 

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and then back again. 

5. You can drive 110 kph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 

6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 

7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 

8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. 

9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. 

10. Down South to you means Regina ... 

11. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. 

12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 

13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." 

14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Saskatchewan friends

Cussing Problem

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE DIFFERENCES IN SIZE IN THE WORLD?

Even in the globalized world we live in, there are still differences between countries that makes them unique. The language, the culture and now as scientific research has proved, the size of the male sexual organ.
[ClickPress, Wed Jan 11 2006] Even in the globalized world we live in, there are still differences between countries that makes them unique. The language, the culture and now as scientific research has proved, the size of the male sexual organ.
Dr. Eduardo Gomez de Diego, CEO of Andromedical, a men’s medical company, decided it was time to confirm or deny the myths about the penis size around the world after treating more than 2,000 patients interested in enlarging the size of their penis. Dr. Gomez de Diego, the European Expert on such delicate issue, compiled scientific data from 15 countries.
The study results showed that the average world size penis when erect is 14 centimetres (5.5 inches). The biggest averages were registered in France 16 cm (6.2 in), Italy 15 cm (5.9 in), Mexico 14.9 cm (5.8 in) and Spain 14 cm (5.5 in). In the United States, the average is 12.9 cm (5 in), in  Canada, the average is 15.5 cm (6.1 in) while in Venezuela is 12,7 cm (4.9 in), and in Brazil is 12.4 cm (4.8 in). The smallest averages were found in India 10.2 cm (3.9 in) and South Korea 9,6 cm (3.7 in).

Pokeback Mountain

They say don't go on PokeBack Mountain
If yer lookin' fer a wife
Cuz there are cowpokes on Pokin' Back Mountain
Who have adopted an alternate life


Chorus:
Their hardened hips are rougher than cowhide
Love on the mountain they want to share
The birds and the bees on PokeBack Mountain
They have given up in dispair

Two cowboys dream on Pokin' Back Mountain
One is Roy Rogers and one is Dale
And they go riding into the sunset
They teach old Trigger how to swish his tail

Their hardened hips are tougher than jerky
Love on the mountain they want to share
The birds and the bees on Pokin back Mountain
They have given up in dispair

The gals are safe on Pokin Back Mountain
They're not wanted, and that's a fact
No need to hide your lovely daughter
When there are two guys in a bedsack

"Gone with the Wind", just eat yer heart out
They're rubbin' chaps now, they doh-sey-doh
A sordid tale that's hopelessly twisted
An epic love tale? I don't think so

They don't care about pretty daughters
Those cowpokes on PokeBack Mountain
They're gonna take each other for their wives
They don't care about no one's daughter...

Donkey

A PowerPoint. Click above

Specialty Condoms

OUTLIVE Homophobia

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for The Rainbow Health Coalition Website

Quarter Horse

In the good ole Days

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!" Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore . . .they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."

*Thanks, SalTCBug

Can you answer this riddle?

Here is a pretty neat little thing from Paul Harvey. See if you can guess the riddle at the end.
Paul Harvey Writes:
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boygirl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life. Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

Paul Harvey RIDDLE:

When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.

What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

Click here for the answer.

More Wisdom

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. THAT'S MY STORY AND I'M STICKING TO IT

*Thanks, auntie 'M'

OUTLIVE Homophobia

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for The Rainbow Health Coalition Website

World's Easiest Quiz...

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?


All done? To check your answers click here.

Parking problems solved

A short video. Click above.
Use your 'Back' button to return to 'OZ'
*Thanks, SalTCBug

Yearly Physical

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," says the woman. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," the woman says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

*Thanks, SalTCBug

Now what does she do?

A lady calls the airline customer-service agent, wanting to know if she could take her dog on board. The agent told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. He further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. "I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" she said, and hung up.

*Thanks, SalTCBug

Guess what cup size?

  Okay, what did you guess???? Click above

OUTLIVE Homophobia

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for The Rainbow Health Coalition Website

Rules to Enter Saskatchewan

Applies to each person as they enter Saskatchewan.

Learn & remember: West Coast and Ontario-types pay particular attention!

1. Pull your droopy pants up.

You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle &oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Hwy #1 goes east and west, Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat pickerel. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and dill.

Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Vancouver call that stuff you eat... It AINT REAL STEW!! Stew was born and bred in Saskatchewan.... and real stew never met a zuchini!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. Curling and bowling is as important here as the Canuckss and the Senators, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Universities? Try University of Saskatchewan, University of Regina or SIAST. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. Percentage wise - We have more folks in the Army, Navy, and Air Force, than any other province, so "Don't Mess with Saskatchewan" If you do, it will get you whipped by the best.

17. Always remember what a great Prime Minister once said:

"Saskatchewan can make it without the Quebec, but Quebec can't make it without Saskatchewan."

Hear! Hear! For Saskatchewan!!!

Does anyone understand this joke, or is it just stupid?

A guy out on the golf course took a high speed ball right in the  crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.  As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said, "How bad is it, Doc?..... I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my  fiancée is still a virgin - in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.  It should be okay next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentioned none of this to his girl, married her, and went on their honeymoon.  That night in the hotel room, she ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately dropped his pants and replied,  "Look at this, ... still in the CRATE!"

Pretty Sneaky - The Border Crossing

A Short movie. Click above.

Use 'Back' to return to 'OZ'

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from the shower, she stood in front of the mirror complaining to me that her breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, I uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow," I said to her, "then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked?

"They will grow larger over a period of years," I replied.

She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat I said, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

History of the Middle Finger!

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Giving the Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!"

"PLUCK YEW!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

And yew thought yew knew everything!

*Thanks, Daryn =)

Signs of the times...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

 The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

 The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

 The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned.

 Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

 Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

 But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident,' I just lost it." 

OUTLIVE Homophobia

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. 

Shopping in Detroit...

Click above for a short video

Thank God! Amen!

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary.

Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.

On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking.

Then he say, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.

The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God!"

I'm my Own Grandpa

Click above to watch the movie

Chem 101

I think you will like this one. The following is supposedly an actual question given on an American University chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

 Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

 With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since

Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" 

Really Stupid Questions Asked about Canada

These questions are really beening asked by STUPID People booking to come to the 2010 Olympics in CANADA!!!!!.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

 

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA) 

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

 

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

 

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden) 

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

 

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

 

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK) 

A: What did your last slave die of?

 

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA )

A : A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.  Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the  hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

 

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

 

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK) 

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

 

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,  which  is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

 

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany) A: No, WE don't stink.

 

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you sell it in Canada? (USA) 

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

 

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?(Italy) 

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

 

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA) 

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

 

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

 

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA) 

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

 

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) 

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.