Better XMAS Cards on the way....

 

Un-huh!

WestJet and Kids

A mother and her young son were flying WestJet from Halifax to Calgary.  The son turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
     
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to things she was not prepared to discuss with her young son, told him to ask the stewardess.
     
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
     
The  stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
     
The boy admitted that this was the case.
     
Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because WestJet always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."

The Breakdown

Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."

The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."

Touch of Grey*

Must be getting early, clocks are running late.
Paint by number a morning sky, it’s all cold.
Dawn is breaking everywhere, light a candle, curse the glare
Draw the curtains I don’t care, but it’s all right
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

I see you’ve got your list out, say your piece and kiss off.
Guess I get the gist of it, but it’s all right
Oh well anyway, sorry that you feel that way.
Every silver linings got a touch of grey
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

It’s a lesson to me, the ablers and the beggars and the thieves
The abc’s we all think of, try to win a little love.

I know the rent is in arrears, the dog has not been fed in years
It’s even worse than it appears, but it’s all right

Cows are giving kerosene, kids can’t read at seventeen
The words they know are all obscene, but that’s all right
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

Shoe is on the hand that fits, that’s all there really is to it
Whistle through your teeth and spit, but it’s all right

Oh well a touch of grey, kinda suits me anyway,
That’s all I had to say, but it’s all right
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

It’s a lesson to me, the devils and the east and the free
The abc’s we all must face, try to save a little grace.

*Touch of Grey - The Grateful Dead

Devious!

A White guy, an Indian man, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together on the subway when the lights go out and the car goes completely dark.
 
There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.
 
When the subway car lights come back on, Pamela Anderson and the Indian guy are sitting as if nothing happened, and the White guy is holding his slapped face.
 
The White guy is thinking, "That Indian man must have kissed Pamela and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead."
 
Pamela is thinking, "That White guy must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Indian man, and got slapped for it."
 
And the Indian guy is thinking, "This is great!" The next time the subway car lights go out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that @!#%!! White guy again!

OOPS! BUSTED!!

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery - operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real  one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain  yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

The Password...

 

You have been warned!

The Frog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs."

"Blow jobs?" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month", he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true, no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. However, the woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less-than-riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone!" 

2 letters from a happy couple

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be perturbed - I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.


To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference.

18 goes in to 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow.

MAUDE & MABLE

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.  One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude:  What in the hell is that?

Mable:  "A condom.  This way my cigarette doesn't get wet".

Maude:  "Where did you get it?"

Mable:  "You can get them at any drugstore"

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

Maude:   "Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel"

The pharmacist fainted.

TIDE

Vegas A Top Gay Destination

Long thought to be low on the pink radar for gay travelers Las Vegas has been aggressively courting the LGBT market and it appears to be paying off.

A recent study by Community Marketing, Inc., a San Francisco-based market research company that focuses on the LGBT market, shows that 25 percent of the 4,000 gays and lesbians surveyed traveled to Las Vegas in 2005.

It makes Vegas second only to New York, where 30 percent had visited.

San Francisco ranked third, with 24 percent.

Las Vegas hosted a total of 37.4 million visitors in 2004 and that number is estimated to increase to a record-breaking 38 million in 2005.

About ten per cent of that is estimated to be gay.

In upcoming campaigns, the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority (LVCVA) plans to punctuate its marketing programs with the launch of a new multi-faceted campaign specifically targeting the gay and lesbian traveler.

"Millions of gay and lesbian travelers are drawn to Las Vegas each year because they crave the Las Vegas experience," says Terry Jicinsky, senior vice president of marketing, LVCVA.

"The fact Las Vegas beat out San Francisco, which was once thought of as the preferred destination for this market, shows Las Vegas is making great strides in attracting a diverse audience."

Jicinsky points to Las Vegas' growing reputation as one of the world's most exciting destinations with world-class dining and shopping, unparalleled entertainment and top golf courses and spas.  

Vegas offers a multitude of once-in-a-lifetime experiences, including the hottest gourmet restaurants by celebrity chefs including Bobby Flay, Hubert Keller, Rick Moonen and Daniel Boulud, as well as unparalleled headliners and productions year-round such as "MAMMA MIA!" at Mandalay Bay, "Jubilee!" at Bally's and Celine Dion's "A New Day ... " and Elton John's "The Red Piano," both at Caesars Palace's Colosseum.

When it comes to nightlife, Vegas' offerings for gay and lesbian travelers are just as impressive. KRAVE, the newest upscale gay and lesbian nightlife experience on the Strip, opened late 2004 with an incredible response from gay tourists and locals alike.

Las Vegas annually welcomes one of the largest gay and lesbian pride festivals in the West, "Viva Las Vegas" which delivers dance parties, top-name entertainment and more set against the glittering Las Vegas Strip.

 Las Vegas is home to Blue Moon Resort, a gay-owned hotel and property designed with the gay traveler in mind, and Viva Las Vegas Wedding Chapel, gay-owned-and-operated, bed-and-breakfast and wedding chapel that offers union ceremonies by an Elvis impersonator in the back of his legendary pink Cadillac.

"Las Vegas attracts gay and lesbian visitors primarily for its wide variety of entertainment offerings, as well as for its gaming, architecture, dining, shopping and fun atmosphere," said Thomas Roth, president, Community Marketing.

"As the LVCVA increases its 'gay welcoming' communications, according to focus group participants, it will become even more popular for first-time and repeat visitors from the gay community."

The American gay and lesbian community represents a $65 billion travel market in the United States, amounting to about 5 percent of the annual $1.3 trillion U.S. travel industry, according to the Travel Industry Association of America.

Recent studies by Community Marketing Inc., however, indicate that gay and lesbian travel and tourism represents a far larger percentage of the overall travel market. Community Marketing, Inc. used online and field research to survey more than 4,000 gays and lesbians worldwide.

Those surveyed answered questions on subjects ranging from the duration of their typical hotel stay to their preferred activities during vacations and weekend getaways and how factors such as a gay-friendly environment influence their travel plans.

*by 365Gay.com Travel

What's-a matter you? Hey! Gotta no respect

 "The Schoolmaster" What-a you t'ink you do? Why you mek me so sad? It's-a not so nice it's-notso nice-a place Ah shaddap-a you face! That's-a him. I will remember! Big deal I say! Ah ! Say dat again! Really nice really nice! Ah, Shaddap-a you face!   *Thanks, A.D., for your inspiration... Forgiven -- Not forgotten

Schroeder starts busking as income from Peanuts drops.

 "I made a bad deal back in the 50's ... I signed a contract with residuals that were peanuts!"

The Friars

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . .
 

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and  presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy?  Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about  lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood  pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A  mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the  toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need <i>two</i> tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it  doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use  the duct tape.

and finally, remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up a chance to pee, and never underestimate a fart.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

The Cabbie

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

The Original Apple Computer...

ANYONE WITH KIDS OR GRAND KIDS SHOULD READ THIS.

I am meth. This was written by a young girl who was in jail for drug charges, and was addicted to meth. She wrote this while in jail. As you will  soon read, she fully grasped the horrors of the drug, as she tells in this simple, yet Profound poem. She was released from jail, but, true to her  story, the drug owned her. They found her dead not long after, with the needle still in her arm.

Please keep praying. This thing is worse than any of us realize...

I am Meth


I destroy homes, I tear families apart,
I take your children, and that's just the start.

I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold,
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.

If you need me, remember I'm easily found,
I live all around you - in schools and in town

I live with the rich, I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab, but not like you think,
I can be made under the kitchen sink.

In your child's closet, and even in the woods,
If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.

I have many names, but there's one you know best,
I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.

My power is awesome, try me you'll see,
But if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go,
But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,
You do what you have to -- just to get high.

The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.

You'll lie to your mother, you'll steal from your dad,
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.

But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.

I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate friends.

I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,
I'll be with you always -- right by your side.


You'll give up everything - your family, your home,
Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.

I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give,
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.

If you try me be warned - this is no game,
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.

I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind,
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.

The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.

But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
That you are mine, and we shall not part.

You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
But you came to me, not I to you.

You knew this would happen, many times you were told,
But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.

You could have said no, and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?

I'll be your master, you will be my slave,
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.

Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.

I can bring you more misery than words can tell,
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.

A Big Croc 'o Sh*t!!

New Orleans Crocodile Found After Katrina

The Top Five Smart -A$$ Answers of The Year

Smart-Ass Answer #5 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead." 

Smart-Ass Answer #4 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." 

Smart-Ass Answer #3 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." 

Smart-Ass Answer #2 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."  

Smart-Ass Answer #1 THE SMART-ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR "THE TEACHER" A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"! A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you will have to write the exam with your other hand.

*Thanks, Vilija!

Colo-rectal Surgeon Sing-a-long

Start by downloading the song by clicking here.
Start singing when the song starts!



We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine



Respect the colorectal surgeon
It's a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let's all do the finger wave



When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks
Some may think the cardiologist
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows...
He'll get you in the end!



Why the colorectal surgeon?
It's one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession
There are always openings?



When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, "Hey nice to meet you
But do you mind? We don't shake hands."



He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh but he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages
A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play
But this is not quite what he meant...
By eighteen holes a day!



Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine!

 

*Been told it's by Bowser and Blue

Lego Church

It amazes me that there is always someone in the world that has so much
time on their hands! It still makes you wonder how many millions of
Legos it took.

I have included this last one to show you the size.

New cure

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

*Thanks, Vilija!

From The Emerald City

The Wizard was caught by suprise at the increase in traffic, thereby increasing the bandwith usage at one of my storage servers. (2400 new views already this week!) I expect alot of pictures will be unavailable in the next day or so, while The Wizard switches storage servers. Even The Wizard's magic can't fix this one -- so please bear with me. The outage will be cancelled one my bandwith drops below the threshold.

In the meantime, help The Wizard out by not direct linking the images. Please save the pictures or forward the post using the "Permanent Link". Or, if you prefer, click on the bear at the top left of 'OZ' and I will email the images to you...

Thanks,

--The Wizard

The Brick

Read this today and don't forget to pass it on, even if you are too busy!! You'll see...

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop..." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother, "he said "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.

A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:

"Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!"

God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.

Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

Send this post to every "beautiful person" you wish to bless.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Beer Mathematics

This is pretty neat how it works out. This is cool beer math!!!!!!!

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as you read.

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have a pint. (try for more than once)


2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be honest)


3. Add 5. (for Sunday)


4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................


5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755.... If you haven't, add 1754 ...


6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.


You should have a three-digit number


The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have a pint week).

The next two numbers are .......




YOUR AGE! ~ (Oh YES, it IS!!!!! )


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

Snapdragons

Texas Chilli Contest

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank)- Holy snot what the devil is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - JERRYS AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure, what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - HANKS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
Judge # 2 A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting green-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 SANDIES LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really made me mad that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Stupid rednecks phoneys

CHILI # 6 - JOHNS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my hiny with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 -PATS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3 appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach

CHILI # 8 - RANDYS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
Judge #3 No Report

WestJet Stories

* West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta.

West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety  lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

**On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight  attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture  here,  find a seat and get in it!"



**On another West Jet Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the  pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and  will  be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance  the appearance of your flight attendants."



**On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. "If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."



**"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of  this airplane."



**"Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."



**As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"



**After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."



**From a West Jet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."



**"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."



**Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines."



**"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."



**"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.. Please do not leave children or spouses."



**And from the pilot during his welcome message: "West Jet Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"



**Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,  and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."



**Overheard on an West Jet Airlines flight into Regina, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"



**Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

**"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


**An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said  that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"



**After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,  we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."



**Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet Airways."



**Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."



**A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal, The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Research

Recent research shows that there are 5 kinds of sex. 

The 1st kind of sex is Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. 

The 2nd kind of sex is Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. 

The 3rd kind of sex is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your bedroom. 

The 4th kind of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "F**k You." 

The 5th kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your husband any more. You take take him to court and screw him in front of everyone!

Don't split your sides

Here is a joke:

"A Scotsman ran into the street to pick up a penny and was knocked down and killed by a lorry. The coroner returned a verdict of death by natural causes."

Here is another joke, about the death of Diana, Princess of Wales:

"Diana, Queen of Hearts? More like off with her head."

If you think these can't be jokes because they're not funny, you are wrong. They are quoted as examples in The Right to Joke, just published by the Social Affairs Unit and written by Christie Davies, described as "Britain's leading academic expert on jokes".

If you haven't heard them before, it is because, according to Professor Davies, they have been censored by the media, which is in thrall to the political correctness of "liberal egalitarianism".

If you don't find them funny, you are wielding "hegemonic cultural power" and trying to suppress "a true expression of independent popular culture". Honest. This is no laughing matter.

Inside Information

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," said the owner.

"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "what's the bad news?"

With concern, the gallery owner replied: "The guy was your doctor."

Pumpkin Heads

A truly amazing site!



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The 50 Least Likely Things You'll Hear at a Wal-Mart.

 

1) "Thank you."
2) "We can actually move in the Receiving bay."
3) "May I help you?"
4) "I love my job."
5) "Yes, the manager's here, hard at work."
6) "Wow. I got paid more than I thought I would."
7) "The customer is always right, so here's your refund."
8) "Take five."
9) "I'm worried about the store manager- I'm afraid that he's working himself to death."
10) "Try the snack bar. They have the best food you've ever had."

11) "Why would I want to leave here for a better paying job?"
12) "These valuable career skills will get me far in life."
13) "Well done."
14) "The manager will be in any minute. I can hardly wait."
15) "The bathroom is so clean, I think I'll eat my lunch there."
16) "There's no one named Bubba or Earline that works here."
17) "Hello, I'm the manager. How may I resolve your problem?"
18) "Let me get that for you."
19) "We're almost out of Bibles and Star Wars merchandise."
20) "Why are you so happy?" 

21) "I'm bringing my little girl with me tomorrow for 'Bring Your Daughter to Work Day' and she's so excited!"
22) "My kid said yesterday that when he grows up, he wants to work here, too."
23) "Who was that nice young associate who'd helped me?"
24) "After I aced my aptitude tests, the counselor said that I'd be best suited for either rocket science, neurology, or working at a Wal-Mart. Obviously, I made the right choice."
25) "I've never been sexually harassed or have had sex with any member of store management."
26) "I'm going to Europe this summer for my vacation."
27) "Don't these little blue vests look adorable?"
28) "I talked my friend into leaving his six figure a year job to work here."
29) "…and when I told the loan officer that I worked for Wal-Mart, he immediately wrote out the check right there in the bank."
30) "This store has been here a year already and not one customer has brought a personal injury suit against us."

31) "We have too many cashiers on duty."
32) "Yes, I can fix that problem."
33) "I always thought that I had to work until I was 65, but thanks to Wal-Mart, I can put in for early retirement."
34) "…and the manager listened with rapt attention to every word I said."
35) "Thank God I rejected Microsoft's and IBM's offers to come in on the ground floor and went to work for Wal-Mart, instead."
36) "I can see myself here twenty years from now."
37) "I can see myself here a year from now."
38) "What I love about being a/an (insert any job title) is the variety and challenge."
39) "God, that last CBL was murder!"
40) "At our last high school reunion, my wife rubbed it everyone's faces that I work for Wal-Mart."

41) "So I stood up and said, 'I don't care how much money you offer me, Mr. Gates; Wal-Mart can beat your offer.'"
42) "…and after my surgery, the manager told me not to come in until I could walk."
43) "Everything they say in the Wal-Mart commercials is true."
44) "Where do you people come by this high quality help?"
45) "My kid never tells his friends that I work here; He hates to brag."
46) "Whenever I feel blue, I just remind myself that I work at Wal-Mart."
47) "Isn't Wal-Mart culture and haute culture kind of the same thing?"
48) "It's amazing, isn't it, how Wal-Mart can do so well and still co-exist with a thriving downtown?"
49) "…so, based on your excellent performance review, I'm raising your rate of pay so that it actually exceeds the cost of living."
50) "What do you know! They actually are as friendly, attractive and relatively sane as in the commercials!"