A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you."
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "I just realized I'm a cliché."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
A farmer was driving along a rural road when he saw a man standing in
the middle of a field with his arms outstretched. The farmer stopped and
asked the man what he was doing. The man replied, "I'm trying to win
the Nobel Prize." The farmer was confused and asked how standing in a
field with his arms outstretched could possibly win the Nobel Prize. The
man replied, "I heard that they give the Nobel Prize to people who are
outstanding in their field!"
Two guys are walking through a forest when they stumble upon a grizzly
bear. One of the guys starts to panic and says, "What are we going to
do? We can't outrun it!" The other guy says, "Don't worry, I don't have
to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."
A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again but fell again. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face again. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried to stand up and fell flat on his face one more time. He then decided to give up and stay in bed until the morning. He woke up the next morning feeling much better. His wife asked him how he had gotten home. He said, "I walked." She said, "You walked four blocks, crawled up the stairs, and into bed." He said, "No, no, no. I didn't crawl up any stairs. There was a magic carpet that took me all the way home." His wife replied, "You're drunk again." The man said, "What makes you think I'm drunk?" His wife replied, "Because the magic carpet is in the garage."
A farmer has 100 chickens, but one day he notices that one of them is
missing a leg. So he goes to the vet and asks if there's anything that
can be done. The vet replies, "I can fix that, but you'll have a
one-legged chicken." The farmer says, "That's okay, I just don't want
him to feel left out." A few days later, the farmer looks out into the
yard and sees that his one-legged chicken is chasing after a rabbit. The
farmer is amazed and decides to tell his wife. She replies, "That's
impressive, but why didn't you just eat him?" The farmer says, "I
couldn't do that. He's the only chicken I have that can play hopscotch."
A man sees a sign in front of a house that says "Talking Dog for Sale."
Intrigued, he rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The man goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yes, I do," replies the dog. "So, what's your
story?" asks the man. The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my
gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I
told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around
really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I
decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening
in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The
man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much
he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The man says, "This
dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" The owner
replies, "He's such a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again but fell again. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face again. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried to stand up and fell flat on his face one more time. He then decided to give up and stay in bed until the morning. He woke up the next morning feeling much better. His wife asked him how he had gotten home. He said, "I walked." She said, "You walked four blocks, crawled up the stairs, and into bed." He said, "No, no, no. I didn't crawl up any stairs. There was a magic carpet that took me all the way home." His wife replied, "You're drunk again." The man said, "What makes you think I'm drunk?" His wife replied, "Because the magic carpet is in the garage."
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