Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

 

Life is like a helicopter.

I don't know how to operate a helicopter.



Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.

"You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl.

Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."  


 

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.

 

My wife packed my bags and told me to leave.

As I was headed out the door, she said, "I hope you live a long and lonely life!”

I replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

An emergency call: "Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!"

Operator: "Where?"

Caller: "No, a regular one!" 

 

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"

Caddy: "I don't think so, sir, that would be too much of a coincidence!" 

My family likes to sing carols during the holidays. Alas, I have a cold this year, so when I offered to lead one of the carols, my cousin suggested that I sing away in a manger...

Far, far away, in a manger.

The American Academy of Ophthalmology just released a report that stated not enough ophthalmologist will be in practice in the next five years to serve the public need.

They cite the fact that not enough pupils are graduating.

Their past recruiting had been short sighted. 

"Trouble with your throat, eh... ever gargle with salt water?"

"Yes, sort of. I nearly drowned while swimming last summer."  

 

While fixing his roof, a man fell off of the ladder. After meeting with his wife later, he told her that four ribs were broken.

"Four ribs broken?!" she gasps. "Which hospital did you go to?"

"I didn't have to go to the hospital." he replies. His wife stares in perplexity. "Four broken ribs and you didn't have to go to the hospital?"

"No, it was the fella I landed on who broke four ribs." 

 

 

What is on a child's computer?

 

R.I.P. Lisa Loring (1958 - 2023)

Lisa Loring, best known to play Wednesday Addams in the original 1960s sitcom “The Addams Family,” has died, her agent said. She was 64.

Loring’s agent, Chris Carbaugh of C and V Promotions, confirmed to USA Today that Loring died on Saturday surrounded by her family.

R.I.P. Cindy Williams (1947 - 2023)

 

Hollywood is mourning the loss of Cindy Williams, the optimistic foil to Penny Marshall’s Laverne in the hit 1970s sitcom Laverne & Shirley. Williams died in Los Angeles on Wednesday after a brief illness, her family told The Associated Press.

She was 75.

R.I.P. Bobby Hull (1939 - 2023)

Bobby Hull, hockey Hall of Famer and Stanley Cup champion, died Monday at 84, the Chicago Blackhawks announced. "The Chicago Blackhawks are saddened by the passing of Blackhawks legend.

Bobby Hull was a Canadian professional ice hockey player who is widely regarded as one of the greatest players of all time. His blonde hair, skating speed, end-to-end rushes, and ability to shoot the puck at very high velocity all earned him the name "The Golden Jet". His talents were such that an opposing player was often assigned just to shadow him.

A Tasty Daemonic Job Fair

By Gail Fulkerson

Frank was bored. Half-heartedly looking for something to do to get him out of the house, he came across an ad in the paper. A national food delivery service was looking to hire delivery drivers. He dialed the number and listened to someone telling him to attend a group interview that was taking place the next day.

He arrived at the address, a hotel on the outskirts of the city, and entered a large banquet room. There were chairs arranged in a half-moon facing a desk and chair. Frank was the first one there and had the pick of any seat. The first to arrive, Frank chose the last chair on the end of the final row nearest the door in case he wanted to duck out early.

As people trickled in, slowly filling up the chairs, Frank wondered whether all of them were human. Some looked pretty sketchy, with their thinly cloaked red eyes peering out from under large hat brims, and unmanicured daemonic talons at the ends of freakishly long fingers.

Before long, a ‘person’ walked up to the desk and sat down in the chair. (As the ‘man’ made his way to the front of the room, Frank noticed that his feet were too big for the shoes he was wearing, his belt was cinched tightly around his waist rather than threaded through the belt loops, and his suit jacket was so undersized that it would have fitted nicely on a much smaller male frame.) From this vantage point, he stared out at the group of assembled job seekers. A grimace broke across his face. Frank couldn’t help suspecting the smile was an effort, the best smile he could muster, in an unfamiliar human form. Frank sat up to pay close attention as the ‘person’ began to speak.

“Hello everyone and thank you for coming. My name is Listerine, and I am your presenter. Please place your completed application forms on the desk, and once you are all seated, I will begin.” The sound of his voice, deep and sonorous, filled the room. Frank had heard that voice before but could not recall where more than a few humans in the room had also heard the voice before, in nightmares that invariably involved them either being severely brutalized or dismembered in a deeply shadowed dungeon, as discordant drums sounded in the distance. They remembered the torturer’s voice sounding exactly like tonight's presenter, but in the nightmares, he was chanting in the same deeply disturbing tones, exhorting death and eventual reaping of the victim’s soul. Horrified looks spread across their faces as they stood up, grabbed their belongings, and fled.

About half an hour into the presentation, Frank noticed that the room was becoming quite warm and somewhat smoky. Looking around for a heat source, he spied a daemon skulking around the periphery of the room, wielding a fiery torch. The skulker set the drapes, tablecloths, napkins, and other flammable items afire. A furtive glance seemed to confirm that Frank was the only job applicant who could see the daemon with the torch.

Perhaps the presenter could also see the arsonist, since he’d been tracking him with his glowing red eyes from the moment he’d entered the room. Frank was surprised that he hadn’t noticed the eyes earlier, but then reminded himself that there was a lot going on and he couldn’t be faulted for overlooking something.

People were coughing and choking, their eyes watered, yet no one got up to leave. (Daemons are adept at concealing truth and reality from humans, making them think they are seeing one thing, like a banquet room with tables covered in crisp linen tablecloths and chairs, but in reality, the room is burning down around them, and they are also catching fire.) It was too late for them, and they died where they sat.

Frank looked around the room again and noticed that the remaining people were all dead. He looked at the presenter, who was morphing into his true form, a hideous, leather-faced skin walker. The presenter locked his unblinking, yellow reptilian eyes with Frank and telepathically told him that as soon as the last human in the room was dead, it would be mealtime. He advised Frank to sharpen his teeth and talons in preparation, because it was ‘gonna be a bloody free-for-all feast’ and he was sure Frank didn’t want to miss out. As the conversation ended, Frank could see hungry, drooling daemons flooding into the banquet room. They had followed the intoxicating scent that emanated from the room — the aroma of dead and dying humans.

Mouthwatering ‘meals’ sat slumped in chairs and crumpled on the floor in tasty heaps.Frank had earlier spied an obese man in the crowd and headed towards him, a rumble of daemonic joy and hunger vibrating in his chest. He loved the silky, buttery-ness of human fat as it hit his tongue and melted. Liquid rivulets of it sneaked over his lips and down his bristly chin. This prize of his would not be shared with anyone and no one daemon would rob him of it. As he approached the man, Frank noticed that his ‘meal’ was still struggling to breathe. Although he liked it when his victuals put up a fight, Frank was too ravenous at this juncture to prolong his meal’s protracted suffering, so he dug in, tearing great slabs of fat and meat off the man’s bones as he gorged.

It was far and away the best ‘bloody free-for-all feast’ that Frank had attended in recent memory. His stomach was uncomfortably distended from all the flesh and fat he had eaten and the gallons of blood he’d drunk. He used a crisp linen tablecloth to wipe the meal’s remnants from his face, belching and farting as he did so.

He cast his eyes around the room, looking upon all the carnage that lay before him, searching for Listerine. He saw him hunched over an old woman, gorging himself on her innards. No daemon likes to be interrupted during a meal, so Frank politely waited until Listerine was finished.

“I was looking for a job and thought that meal delivery would be a good fit. There is no job on offer today, though, is there. This was a ruse to bring humans together in a large group so we could kill and eat them. Ingenious, my dear Listerine! Is there another ‘job fair’ being planned? I’d love to attend.” Frank practically drooled on the host in his excitement. “I’m Frank, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, Frank. As a matter of fact, there’s another meeting planned next week for prospective ‘employees’ for a national pizza chain. I’d love to see you there. We’re having it here again. Same day, same time, same room. You in?”

“I wouldn’t miss it,” Frank responded, as he covered his mouth to stop the entrails he’d eaten from escaping. As it was, some of the blood from his meal was trickling down his chin and he didn’t have a tissue. Never mind, he told himself, I’ve gone out on the street looking worse. Frank’s long tongue snaked out of his mouth and licked his bloody chin clean. Very little remained from that evening’s attendees.

Daemons were sloppy when they ate, but they made sure to eat everything that was put in front of them. None of the guilt-inducing admonishments the parents of human children would recite, such as ‘there are starving children in India who would be happy to eat what’s on your plate.’ Daemons learned a hard lesson at their familial dinner tables: Eat what’s put in front of you or starve.
Frank’s family had an additional rule: Go for brains and organ meats before anything else; otherwise, you may end up malnourished and become fodder yourself. There isn’t much nutrition in intestines, and if you don’t clean them well, they taste crappy, no matter how much ketchup you use.

As he made his way home, Frank had been wracking his brain. Where had he heard the presenter’s distinctive voice? He was about to unlock his front door when it hit him:

Listerine reminded him of his Auntie Pearl. She smoked, drank, and swore like a daemonic sailor. She ate heartily, belching and farting with the best of them, and didn’t throw up or gain an ounce. Her face was about as attractive as a chewed boot. Many a daemon chased after her as though she were the rarest beauty in all of Daemondom. Frank couldn’t see the attraction.

One last sip of “Bloody Mary” before I turn in, Frank thought. (Bloody Mary was the latest corpse he’d ‘found’ at the local cemetery/daemonic grocery store.)

Frank turned out the lights and snuggled under the blankets on his bed, hoping to sleep like the damned. I wonder where Auntie Pearl is, he thought, as he rolled over and closed his eyes.

Gail Fulkerson is a writer who specializes in the supernatural. She lives with her family in Saskatchewan, where she is working on another story involving Frank the daemon.

Gnu Linux - Wipes Windows in seconds

 

Just because you can does not mean that you should...

My complaint is car manufacturers who design the headlights on modern cars. The ones I'm referring to are the super bright white LED headlamps. They are so bright on some cars that even in the rear view mirror they are far too bright. The Department of Transportation in Canada used to regulate headlight brightness. Now it seems like open season on my retinas. Let's stop this assault on our eyes. Complain to the Government. Click here for Transport Canada.

'Nuff said.

Best Single Ad

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.

It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work; wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

*Thanks, Pam!

 

Cold Water Dishwashing...eeeeewwwwwww!!!!!

Can cold water clean dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted .

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!

Meet Coldwater...................... 

New Technology Created - "PEE-Mail"

 Click above to make and send your own "PEE-Mails!

Google Earth

A 3D interface to the planet

Google Earth – Explore, Search and Discover Want to know more about a specific location? Dive right in -- Google Earth combines satellite imagery, maps and the power of Google Search to put the world's geographic information at your fingertips. 

-- Fly from space to your neighbourhood. Type in an address and zoom right in. 

-- Search for schools, parks, restaurants, and hotels. Get driving directions. 

-- Tilt and rotate the view to see 3D terrain and buildings. 

-- Save and share your searches and favourites. Even add your own annotations. 

Click here to open Google Earth.

T-shirt

 

Living Will

 

INSURANCE TODAY

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results.

The lab technician says to him, "I'm very sorry; sir, but we've had a bit of a problem. At the same time we sent your wife's samples to the lab, the lab also received samples from another Mrs. Smith, and now we're not sure which results are your wife's. But, frankly, it's either bad news or terrible news!"

"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.  

"Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. And we can't tell which is your wife's test."  

"This is terrible!" cries Mr. Smith. "Can't we do the test over?"  

"Normally, yes," says the technician, "but you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once!"  

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.

"Blue Cross recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

Montreal Bus Stop

 

Art show too raw for public - For The Wizard too!

An artist has shocked gallery visitors by filming herself with her face covered in raw meat.

Gabriela Rivera's video forms part of a controversial exhibition at Santiago's Sala Juan Egenau gallery. She said: "My work is a metaphor for the relationship that people have with themselves every day when they look in the mirror." The exhibition also includes videos of women urinating in the street and smashing boiled eggs with their hands. Las Ultimas Notician reports that many visitors have complained that they found it disgusting.

What the parrot said to the vicar...

A parrot has been put in isolation and made to listen to Radio 4 after swearing repeatedly at distinguished visitors.

Barney, a five-year-old Macaw, turned the air blue when a civic party toured the Warwickshire Animal Sanctuary, Nuneaton.

He told the mayor to: "F*** off," before turning to a woman vicar and saying: "You can f*** off too", reports the Guardian.

Sanctuary owner, Geoff Grewcock, said: "To their credit they didn't take offence and laughed it off - and luckily so did two policemen who were told: "And you can f*** off, you w***ers."

The parrot is thought to have learnt its repertoire from its former owner - a retired truck driver - who emigrated to Spain three years ago, and by watching late night TV.

Mr Grewcock is now attempting a cultural reversal by keeping Barney alone in a special cage listening to Radio 4.

"It isn't really working yet but he is a very funny parrot, with a lot of character, and he does say thank you whenever you give him a treat."

Beautiful Dogs

This is a 3 MB PowerPoint Slideshow. Takes no time to load with Hi-Speed. It is worth the wait! When you click on the picture below, you can choose 'OPEN' to watch the show now, or "SAVE" to watch it later. Have a great day! Enjoy!

Click above

HE SAID SHE SAID

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'

Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

5 GARY GLITTER JOKES - These are baaaad

 

What was Gary Glitter doing in CA?
He heard boys pant were half off!

How do you save Gary Glitter from drowning?
Throw him a boy.

What is the difference between Gary Glitter and whisky?
Nothing, they both come in small tots.

What is the difference between Gary Glitter and a greyhound?
Greyhounds wait for the hares.

What's the difference between Gary Glitter and acne?
Acne waits till you're 13 before it comes on your face.

Glitter was jailed over child porn November 12, 1999

First Church of Jesus Christ, Elvis

 

Click above

Afraid To Ask

 Some articles are health and body explicit (with individual warnings)

 Click above

"Normisms"

What's doing, Norm?
"Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig."
 

What's up, Norm?
"My nipples. It's freezing out there."
 

What's shaking, Norm?
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
 

What's new, Norm?
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."
 

What'd you like, Normie?
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
 

What'll you have, Normie?
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."
Looks like beer, Norm.
"Call me Mister Lucky."
 

Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
"Like a baby treats a diaper
 

What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
"The Bobbsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
 

Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
I'm sorry to hear that.
"No, I mean pour."

How's life treating you, Norm?
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
 

"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."

What's going down, Normie?
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
 

Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
 

How's it going, Mr. Peterson?
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
 

What's the story, Norm?
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
For a beer?
"No, for stupid questions."
 

What's the story, Norm?
"Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it."
 

What's new, Norm?
"Most of my wife."
 

Beer, Norm?
"Naah, I'd probably just drink it."
 

What's doing, Norm?
"Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig."
 

Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."
 

How about a beer, Norm?
"Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life."
 

How's a beer sound, Norm?
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."
 

Beer, Normie?
"Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young."
 

Norm comes in with an attractive woman. Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
"With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe."
 

What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
"Going down?"
 

What'll it be, Normie?
"Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."
 

What do you say, Norm?
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer."
 

[coming in from the rain] "Evening, everybody."
Norm!
Still pouring, Norm?
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."
 

Whaddya say, Norm?
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes."
 

[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama] Off-screen crowd: Norm!
Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
 

What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
"Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer."
 

How's life, Mr. Peterson?
"Oh, I'm waiting for the movie."
 

What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
"Elope with my wife."
 

How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
"Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp."
 

What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
"The question, Woody, why is it happening to me?"
 

How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
"Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better."
 

Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
"See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers."
 

Well, look at you. You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.
"And I need a beer to wash him down."
 

Hey, Mr. Peterson, how's life?
"Well, the plot's okay, Woody, but it kind of falls apart at the end."
 

What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
"Let's talk about what's going in Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody."
 

How's life treating you?
"It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't."
 

Beer, Norm?
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
 

What do you know there, Norm?
"How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?"
 

Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
"Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead."
 

How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
"Pretty nervous if I was in the room."
 

Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
"The warranty on my liver."
 

What can I do for you, Norm?
"Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam."
 

What's going on, Normie?
"My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver."
 

How about a beer, Norm?
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"
 

What's shaking Mr. Peterson?
"What isn't?"
 

How's it going, Norm?
"Cut the small talk and get me a beer."
 

What can I do for you Norm?
"Well, I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer so how about a first one?"
 

How's life Norm?
" Ask a man whose got one."
 

What'll you have, Norm?
"Fame, fortune, and fast women."
How 'bout a beer?
"Even better."
 

How's the world treating you, Norm?
"Like I just ran over its dog."

The Kiss

 

After just a few years together, a young gay couple whose relationship was filled with constant arguments, decided the only way to save their relationship was to try counselling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the one man, a 20s something blonde, held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, his partner began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their relationship.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to him, the counsellor went over to him, picked him up by his shoulders, kissed him passionately for several minutes and then sat him back down.

The councillor then looked over at the blonde who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counsellor said, "Your boyfriend NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The blonde scratched his head and replied, "I can have him here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Strip Tease

 

  Click above to watch him take it all off!

When Cinderella Got Old

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.  One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes.  Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.

I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do.

What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.  Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,  "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,  "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

The 411 - "Great Googly Moogly"

Great Googly Moogly is a phrase that has been used in popular music lyrics (particularly Rhythm & Blues) by various artists dating back to the 1950s.

Known examples include "Weird Al Yankovic's "Genius in France", Frank Zappa's "Don't Eat the Yellow Snow" medley (1973), The Temptations' "Ball of Confusion" (1970), Howlin' Wolf's recording of St. Louis Jimmy Oden's Going Down Slow (1962), and "Stranded in the Jungle" by The Cadets (1956). There is some evidence (unverified) of earlier uses by other musicians:

At the very least, R&B legend Screamin' Jay Hawkins uttered it as an exuberant exclamation of extreme excitement in "Person to Person" (1957): the line in question finding SJH extolling his far-away (cheerbabe?) girlfriend to "bring your big fine foxy great googly moogly lord-look-at-that self on home." I’ve got some vague recollection that SJH used the phrase in other tunes – and I know Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper lovingly borrowed it on a track or two of their first few albums in the mid-1980s. --

Other variations have also been used.

* The phrase is uttered several times per episode by the character The Ferocious Beast in the children's television program Maggie and the Ferocious Beast.
* "Googly Moogly" is a song by The Loungs, featured on their debut album We Are The Champ
* "Good Googly Moogly" is repeated in the chorus of "Good Googly Moogly" by Project Pat in Crook By Da Book: The Fed Story
* It also appears in the song "Change the Beat" from the MF Doom album Twisted Metal: Pt.1
* "Great Googa Mooga" was said by Orlando Jones in the 2002 movie Evolution
* Great Googley Moogley Used this as a primary character in a blog storyline.
* The phrase is the primary catchphrase of character David Addison (played by Bruce Willis) on the 80's television show Moonlighting.

The phrase was the comedic tag for a Snickers television commercial in the late 1990s. A scale said "Great Googly Moogly" in the daily Garfield comic strip on November 16, 2008.

*From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Con Job

You know when something is too good to be true, and you know it is, but you bite anyway, and then you get burned? Well, sometimes the bite is only to your pride, while other times it can take a real bite into your freedom of movement and possibilities for employment.

Yes, I’m talking about fraud.

According to the law, one commits a fraud when, by deceit, falsehood or other fraudulent means, whether or not it is a false pretence, one defrauds the public or any person, whether ascertained or not, of any property, money or valuable security or any service.

So, what does that mean?

Well, let’s say a friend of a friend says she can get you a really good deal on a car. She says a friend of hers has an old BMW that she’s looking to get rid of for $2,500 cash. And she shows you some pictures and, after a while, you convince yourself that this could be so. You agree to meet the friend of a friend of a friend with $2,500 burning in your pocket, and you hand over the cash in exchange for the keys.

She tells you that the paperwork is all being handled, and all is well; so, away you go in your new Beamer.

And then you get pulled over because it’s been reported stolen.

Guess what? After doing a lot of explaining at the police station, you realize that you have been the victim of a fraud and are out $2,500.

Or, let’s say your neighbor says that he can bypass the Cable Company and wire cable right into your house. Free.

And the Cable Company somehow finds out and, guess what? You’re busted.

No fair? No kidding. You are defrauding the Cable Company out of monies for service.

Let’s face it—we all want something for nothing, or as close to it as we can get. And sometimes we manage to convince ourselves of some pretty silly things. But you know what? If it sounds to good to be true, it usually is to good to be true. And no one ever gets anything for nothing.

Because we all know this, we feel embarrassed when we do get defrauded or ripped off. In retrospect, we tell ourselves, we should have known that we were either being victimized or victimizing someone else. But there is that little place in all of our hearts that says the world ought to be nice to us. And we so want to believe that.

And, for the most part, the world is a reasonably good place to be and life does unfold as it should. When one tries to circumvent the system, and one gets caught, one can easily try to convince one’s self that one shouldn’t be penalized because, really, you didn’t mean to do anything wrong, and you weren’t really hurting anyone, and….

But you did do something wrong. And you knew it was wrong and, quite frankly, you really didn’t care that you might have been causing anyone else grief. And so, in a world of Crime and Punishment, you will be punished. If you were a victim, you will be humiliated and will quite likely not see whatever monies you have thrown at this scheme ever again. If you victimized others, you will be criminally charged. And you will quite likely be convicted. And this conviction will have some significant implications on your future.

Buyer Beware.

*by Sgt Judy Nosworthy

Back By Popular Demand

 

Click above to download the CRAZY FROG Video~6MB (WMV)

'OZ' readers have been asking about the links I posted about Crazy Frog Axel F.. so here ya go!

Download the mp3 here. ~3MB

Download the Video here.~6MB (WMV)

Flirting

 

When it comes to flirting it seems that straight people have their own unique system, but maybe there's something to learn from them, with a few modifications.

Eye to Eye….Contact
Repeated contact...at least three separate verbal or non-verbal clues need to be given. One to make sure it`s really him that you are flirting with, two so he knows it's him and gets flushed and three to introducing yourself.

Beware three different forms of eye contact in a gay bar send out completely different signals. Far from a tentative step towards an introduction, you’ll be half way back to his bedroom with your pants round your ankles and a stray finger tickling your starfish before you can say ‘Well Bugger Me Billy-O’

Hard Shoulder
Look over your shoulder...and smile at him. This asymmetrical position is always a signal you are interested.

The only asymmetrical position that will win you favor in a gay bar involves whipping both legs behind your head and trouser syncing to ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy.’

Gently Does It
Treat men gently...If someone you are not interested in approaches you and flirts ...be nice....All the other men are watching to see what you do. Try shaking his hand and saying something like: "It was so nice of you to approach me...what's your name? Tom? Tom, I know how hard it is to meet people...I might have a girlfriend who would be interested in you.”

Whatever happened to ‘treat em mean – keep em keen’? If ‘Tom’ minces his way over to you with the face of a wart hog, then don’t be an ass and palm him off on one of your friends. Simple scream for security and make like he’s dealing or something. A night in the slammer will help him re-evaluate his attractiveness!

Whispering Your Name
Whisper...it always gets their attention. Ask them if you can tell them a secret...Then whisper in their ear: "I just love your tie...can I buy it from you when you are done with it?

Firstly – have you ever tried whispering in a gay bar? – you have to practically pop a lung to order a drink over Cher’s dulcet tones these days. Gay men don’t tend to wear ties unless fetish requirements dictate, so perhaps replace with more appropriate gay accessories such as fake tan, highlights or Botox.

Who’s Your Buddy
Use the Buddy system. Walk through a group of men and have someone watch to see who's checking you out.

This relies on your ability to be able to trust your gay friends. Gay men are not to be trusted at any time, and while you’re slinking your little tuchy across the floor, your ‘so called’ best friend will be hot footing it off with your man. It’s all a question of survival, you know.

Simply Irresistible
Become More Irresistible! Show a little leg....wear higher heels... Arch your back a little as you sit up tall and cross your legs high. Wear earrings that are interesting enough to make someone comment on them.

Unless you happen to find yourself in ‘Trannie Central’ then perhaps hang fire with all this legs crossing and high heel business. Arch your back to show off your tits, by all means, but if you’re wearing earrings that beg a comment it’s time to ditch the Pat Butcher look, my sweet!

Head To Toe
Give him a look all over from head to toe - nod with approval and then flash him your most winning smile.

It’s one thing to show him that you’re still blessed with your own teeth, but smiles don’t win the day in gayland. Try flashing him a spitting trouser snake and you’ll be having company tonight, Miss Otis!

*by Chuck Winston, 365Gay.com Love & Sexuality Writer

The Perfect Man

The Perfect Man is gentle
Never cruel or mean.
He has a beautiful smile,
And keeps his face so clean.
The Perfect Man likes children,
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The Perfect Man loves cooking,
cleaning and vaccuuming, too.
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love to you.
The Perfect Man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother,
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry,
Or battered you in any way.
To hell with this endless poem,

The Perfect Man is gay.

The Benefit of Books

 

Mikem - Lord of the Freaks

I know one should not speak ill of the dead... 

 

100 Ways To Live To 100

 

Click above

A Mother's Love

"Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I've taken enough from you good people. I'm tired of your foolish rhetoric about the "homosexual agenda" and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.

The following is a very strong and moving letter written by the mother of a gay son in Vermont...

My first born son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay. He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called "fag" incessantly, starting when he was 6. In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them.

My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life without dignity.

You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I'm puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul, a Vermonter, so I'll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for "true Vermonters." You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn't give their lives so that the"homosexual agenda" could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II,was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart. He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn't the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can't bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance. How dare he? you say.

These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage. You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin. The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about "those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing" asks: "What ever happened to the idea of striving to be better human beings than we are?" Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that?"

If you believe that homosexuals deserve the same rights as everyone else, click on the post date and pass on this post to people that you know who would benefit from hearing this story. I am thankful that there are people like this mother, because without them, where would we be?

Portable Toilet

 

Would you use it?

CHICKEN SANDWICHES

This will make you laugh out loud! Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.

They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through  the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
 

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said. 

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. 

He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!

R.I.P. David Crosby (1941 - 2023)

David Crosby, a founding member of bands Byrds and Crosby, Stills & Nash, has died. He was 81.

"It is with great sadness after a long illness, that our beloved David (Croz) Crosby has passed away," his wife said in a statement to Variety on Thursday.

"He was lovingly surrounded by his wife and soulmate Jan and son Django. Although he is no longer here with us, his humanity and kind soul will continue to guide and inspire us. His legacy will continue to live on through his legendary music."

She concluded, "Peace, love, and harmony to all who knew David and those he touched. We will miss him dearly. At this time, we respectfully and kindly ask for privacy as we grieve and try to deal with our profound loss. Thank you for the love and prayers."