Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied, “No.”

She yelled back, "What about now?"

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"

Another child said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge n' Mary." 



My wife just completed a 40-week body building routine...

It's a baby boy, weighing 7 pounds!     



A man had just got his car stuck in a during a drive in the country and he needed help getting it out. So he walked until he found a farm and asked the farmer for help. The farmer agrees to help the guy out. So he takes a horse out of the stable and leads him to the car. The farmer then ties a harness around the horse and the other end to the car.

The farmer yells, "Pull, Sandy!"

The horse just stands there.

The farmer yells, "Come on now, pull Twister!"

The horse once again just stands there.

Finally the farmer yells, "Ok dangit, PULL RANGER! You're just standing there!"

Finally the horse springs forward and with all the strength he has he pulls the car out of the ditch and onto the roadside.

The man thanks the farmer many times, but before leaving the farmer why he yelled out names of horses that weren't there.

The farmer just smiles and replies, "Oh, you see Ranger there is completely blind and a lazy horse. He wasn't going to pull if he thought he was the only one trying."  

A friend of mine always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean...

The guy is a legend! " 

A man take his wife to the doctor for an annual checkup. When the doctor calls the woman in, she turns to her husband and says, “Let’s go Harold.”

The husband dutifully follows her into the doctor’s examination room. The doctor says, “Mrs. Sanders, I have been practicing medicine for 35 years and built a very honorable reputation. You can certainly trust me."

The wife replies, “Oh I trust you, doctor. It’s my husband I don’t trust with your pretty receptionist out there.” 

I had a job offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the interview on business class.

During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in an airsickness courtesy bag.

After the plane landed, I got up to leave and a flight attendant approached me if I wanted her to dispose of the bag.

I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids." 

“I’m the number everyone hates," said 13.

“No way, I am the number everyone hates,” replied 666.

"L-O-L," 2020 chuckled. 

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, Please no bags,

Please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, Please no gray,

As for my belly, Please take it away.

Keep me healthy, Keep me young,

And thank you Lord, For all you've done. 

What do you call a date with Batman?

A Masked Mandate..