Chilled Vancouver commuters faced their second day of
winter hell today, as an additional few centimetres of the peculiar
white stuff fell, bringing the lower mainland to its knees and causing
millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops. Scientists
suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particles and
experts from Saskatchewan are being flown in.
With temperatures
dipping to the almost but not quite near zero mark, Vancouverites were
warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out.
Vancouver
police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such
as running out of espresso or biscotti to see them through Vancouver's
most terrible storm to date. The local Canadian Tire reported that they
had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.
Drivers were
cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been
shocked to learn that their SUV's actually have four wheel drive,
although most have no idea how to use it.
Weary commuters faced
soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants. Although Dr. John
Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority reassured everyone that
most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25 below, down-filled bras
are flying off the shelves at Mountain Equipment Co-op.
"The
government has to do something," snarled an angry Trevor Warburton. "I
didn't pay $540,000 for my one bedroom condo so I could sit around and
be treated like someone from Toronto."
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Saturday, February 13, 2021
Weather warning
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