"Nothing"

I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
• When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
• I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
• Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
• All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
• I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.
• I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.
• It was so different before everything changed.
• It’s not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
• I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
• It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
• Never knock on death’s door, ring the bell and run (he hates that).
• Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
• When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
• If you are living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seatbelt.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.