In these times when issues of self esteem are so much in the forefront of our awareness, we realize the profound impact of feeling that our noses are crooked or unattractive, or that our breasts are to small, or that our cheeks may sag a bit with advancing age. No matter! You don't need to spend thousands of dollars for a high priced surgeon to cut you up when you can do it yourself at home for a mere fraction of the cost. My step by step instructions can show you how.
Simply go around the house and garage and gather up a few things. Here's what you'll need:
Needle and thread
Channel Lock Pliers
(You should be aware that painkillers are not needed for any operation; Simply write for our pamphlet 101 Mantras to Cure Pain, Disease, & Suffering. It can be obtained by sending $10.00 to 101 Pain Mantras, Perfect Being Magazine, 7 New Age Way, Laidback CA.)
Once you have gathered your supplies, you must determine the how and who. How do you want to look once the operation is complete and who do you want to do the cutting. While some people are able to perform self-surgery, most grow squeamish at the thought. This is where an understanding wife or husband comes into play.
First, you’ll need to play with the area you want to improve. Push, prod, shape that bit of sagging skin into position to see how you want to look after the operation. Comparing your face (or other body part) to those of models in fashion magazines will help define your goals. Once you are satisfied with how you want to look, you draw your lines with the marker to define the area you wish to excise. Be careful not to get too adventurous, as you may cut away too much skin and end up with your jawline up around your lower eyelid. After you have marked the skin, make an incision with the x-acto knife along the dotted lines, remove the unwanted skin, and sew the two parts together, being sure to slather plenty of aloe along the cut in order to promote healing and prevent infection. For a really big job, such as a liposuction and tummy tuck, you’ll need the stapler and shop vac.
There are some jobs which are a little more complex. A nose job for instance, requires scraping away the cartilage in much the same manner a sculptor hacks away at a marble block in order to reveal the perfect form lying underneath. A bust job is equally complex in that material must be added to the breast. Many things have been used, such as tissue filled baggies, water balloons, and rolled up socks. However, we at Perfect Being have found the most effective material for a breast augmentation to be Nerf footballs cut in half, as they are available in a variety of sizes. They give the breasts definition, lift, weight, shape, and bounce, and can act as bumpers in the event of a low speed collision.
Armed with this knowledge as well as the fortitude to carry out your dreams, you should be able to master, with practice and patience, these cosmetic surgery techniques in no time at all.