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Sunday, April 02, 2017

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

Grammatically Correct Animal
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word "mongooses." Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no fully stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

The Price of Snoring
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. She called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering".

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and then payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"



Achievements of A Modern Man
A motivational speaker, while addressing his audience, talked about the various achievements man has made today.

He said, "Today, man has built a ship to cross an ocean, fastest trains to travel across cities, and built planes to fly high in the skies like a bird..."

A gentleman from the audience interrupted, "Any yet, a man still cannot sit on a barbed wire like a bird does!"

When the Gas Men Run
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"


Thank You, UPS
After my wife landed a coveted job offer from UPS, we went out of town to celebrate.

While on our trip, she was contacted by the company's Human Resources department with an urgent request to complete and send back her tax forms.

"No problem," she said. "I'll FedEx them right over."


No Juicing For You
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."


Baby, Learning to Talk
Dad: "Say daddy!"
Baby: "Mommy!"

Dad: "Come on, say daddy!"
Baby: "Mommy!"

Dad: "Darn it, say daddy!"
Baby: "Darn it, Mommy!"

[Mom comes home and joins the conversation.]
Mom: "Honey, I'm home!"
Baby: "Darn it!"

Mom: "Who taught you that?"
Baby: "Daddy!"
Dad: ...


Imaginary Friend
I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials.

I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger and stuffed it. Then I sat it on the couch to see how it looked.

Later that evening my son walked in the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it’s not that bad, is it?"

Smokey Dinner Call
My cooking has always been the target of family jokes. One evening, as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke and the smoke detector went off. Although both of my children had received fire-safety training at school, they did not respond to the alarm.

Annoyed, I stormed through the house in search of them. I found them in the bathroom, washing their hands. Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound.

"It’s the smoke detector," they replied in unison.

"Do you know what that sound means?" I demanded.

"Sure," my oldest replied. "Dinner’s ready."

Musical Correctness
At a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison choir would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity, so I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

"This is our prison choir," he said, "they're behind a few bars and always looking for the key."

Who Owns the Monkey?
A man walks into a posh restaurant and orders his meal. While he takes the first bite and is looking around, a monkey swings down and steals his plate from him before he is able to stop it.

The man asks the waiter, "Excuse me sir, who owns the monkey?"

The waiter replies, "It belongs to the piano player."

The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey stole my food?"

The pianist responds, "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

I'm Still Ahead
My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SAT's, and make more money than you," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead," I said.

She looked mystified. "How do you figure?"

"I married better," I replied.
clapping

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