I was only joking...

A woman who had recently lost her husband was having difficulty gaining closure without knowing for sure that her beloved had made it to Heaven. One night while praying for a sign that her husband was all right, she heard his voice, clear as a bell, call out, “Hello, Evelyn, it's me!”

“Bill!” she said. “I just need to know that you're happy in the afterlife. What is it like?”

“It's more beautiful than I could ever have hoped, dear,” her husband's disembodied voice replied. “The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever imagined. And all we do all day is eat and sleep. It's absolutely wonderful.”

“Oh, honey, I'm so thankful to hear that you made it to Heaven!” cried his overjoyed wife.

“Heaven?” came the reply. “No, I'm not in Heaven, I'm a buffalo in Montana.”

David's mother gave him two sweaters for his birthday. The next time he visited his mother, he made sure to wear one of them. But as he entered her house, instead of the expected smile, he was greeted with, “What, you didn't like the other one?”

A dog went into the employment office and stepped up to the counter. “I need a job,” said the dog.

“Well,” said the clerk, astonished that the dog could talk, “with your rare talent, I'm sure we can get you something at the circus.”

“The circus?” said the dog. “Why would the circus need a nuclear physicist?”

Woman at the post office: I'd like fifty Hanukkah stamps, please.

Post office clerk: Certainly. What denomination?

Woman: Oh, so it's come to this? Okay, give me six Orthodox, twelve Conservative, and thirty-two Reform.

A man was walking down the street when suddenly he stopped and looked up at the sky. Curious, another man stopped next to him and also looked up at the sky. Soon more people came along and all of them looked up at the sky. Finally, a little kid approached and said, “What are you all looking at?”

The first man replied, “I don't know about all of them. I just have a nosebleed.”