Although many people use the words “sperm” and “semen” as if they were synonymous, how tragically wrong these mortal fools are! The truth is that sperm comprises only about 5-10% of any given male jizzload. The rest is comprised of rich, happy bodily fluids and a dazzling array of nutrients that aid, protect, and comfort the sperm in its long and arduous journey toward the haughty female egg.
2. Semen is so chock-full of nutrients, it’s a wonder that people don’t eat more of it.
Semen contains vitamin C, fructose, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium, vitamin B12, zinc, nitrogen, and calcium. The average male jizzwad is said to contain roughly as much protein as an egg white (chicken, not human eggs, of course). And all this life-giving nutrition will only set your diet back 20 calories!
3. The average size of a male jizzload is half a teaspoon.
Every male who’s reading this is grabbing a teaspoon and desperately checking to see how he measures up to others.
4. There are around 200 million sperm in an average human jizzload.
That’s roughly the same number of sperm in the average rabbit jizzload. The mighty pig, however, shoots out nearly eight billion little piggy wrigglers with every foul porcine orgasm.
5. Sperm take about 75 days to grow in the testes.
Just as men are always expected to be making money, they are always making sperm, too—roughly 1,500 every second. On average, these rambunctious li’l critters spend two and a half months developing inside a man’s scrotum before he suddenly murders them by the hundreds of millions during one wanton jackoff session to some online porn of questionable taste.
6. Sperm can live for up to five days inside a vagina, depending on how friendly the vagina is.
On average, sperm live about 24-48 hours once inside the human vagina. If the host female’s acidic balance is propitious, sperm can live up to five days inside her womb before perishing. In contrast, bat sperm can live up to 145 days, which should make every bat who’s reading this feel incredibly macho.
7. Sperm that is not ejaculated gets broken down and reabsorbed into the body.
If a man has an inactive sex life and can’t even be bothered to pleasure himself, sperm that stores up inside his body without being released will eventually die and be reabsorbed into his body like so much horse manure spread judiciously throughout a cornfield.
8. Men never stop making semen.
Although women stop producing eggs after menopause, men continue creating sperm and seminal fluid up until the day they croak. Science currently offers no answers regarding what happens to semen in the afterlife. It is not known whether semen exists in heaven, although it’s highly likely there’s plenty of semen in hell.
9. Good diet = good sperm.
Sperm count and quality can be greatly affected by a man’s dietary habits. Foods that will give you vibrant, healthy, muscular, happy, robust sperm include oysters, bananas, walnuts, asparagus, garlic, lean beef, and chocolate. It’s also important to drink plenty of water, because sperm spend their brief lives pretty much submerged in a swimming pool of your balls’ own making.
10. Bad diet = bad sperm.
If you want a healthy baby, put down the cigarettes and bongs, stay away from the vodka, say “no” to the bacon, cheese, cupcakes, and sausages, and drink decaf. That’s if you want a healthy baby—I didn’t say anything about having a happy life.
11. Some people use semen in their cooking recipes.
Well, at least one person does. This mysterious Semen Chef’s name is “Fotie Photenhauer,” and this shadowy person of dubious name and indeterminate gender has released a book called Natural Harvest: a collection of semen-based recipes.
From the book’s online description:
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants.
12. Obesity lowers sperm count and quality.
Gents, if your BMI is 25 or above, allow me to loudly ring the alarm bell and inform you that your sperm will be slower, fewer in number, and less capable of winning a Gold Medal in swimming than the sperm of slimmer men. What you choose to do about this fact is between you and your so-called “God.”
13. Most sperm are abnormal.
That’s right—”abnormal.” I didn’t say “weird.” I didn’t say that anyone should bully them. Many sperm are born with two heads or two tails. Sometimes their heads range in size from puny to enormous. Sometimes their tails are crooked. According to one website, “90% of sperm ejaculated are deformed.” So in this case, the “normal” ones are the “weird” ones.
14. Most sperm can’t even swim straight.
Upon being ejaculated into a moist and willing vagina, only about one in five sperm even have the basic common sense to start swimming upstream toward the female’s egg. Others will swim in circles. Yet others will simply tread water.
15. Sperm are either male or female.
Sperm will either carry a female “X” chromosome or a male “Y” chromosome—not both—which will eventually determine the baby’s sex. Male sperm allegedly swim faster, but female sperm are said to be stronger during that long, deadly Heart of Darkness-styled ride upstream toward the egg.
16. Those li’l tadpoles like it cold.
The main reason you have a scrotum in the first place is so that people can make fun of the word “scrotum.” The second reason you have a scrotum is that healthy sperm enjoy temperatures about seven degrees lower than the average human body temperature, so they like to “chill” by hanging in that disgusting little skin hammock between your legs. Men also produce more sperm in the winter than in the summer.
17. Those li’l tadpoles die when it gets hot.
If you spend too much time in hot tubs, you will effectively turn your sperm into hundreds of millions of boiled eggs, rendering you sterile—if that’s your idea of a good time. It can also lower your sperm count for up to six months. The condition is known as “scrotal hyperthermia.” Other instances of sperm-death-by-overheating can be caused by tight underwear and putting your laptop…in…your…lap.
18. Some women are allergic to semen.
The condition is known as “seminal plasma hypersensitivity” and can cause redness, swelling, itching, and burning in the vaginal area. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you. It only means that her body hates your sperm.
19. Semen makes a good cosmetic.
A compound in semen known as “spermine” is an antioxidant known to smooth wrinkles and alleviate acne. Spermine is featured in cosmetic creams offered by several swanky high-end spas to the tune of about $250 per tube. Surely there are more natural and frugal methods to obtain spermine? Whatever could they be?
20. Semen has antidepressant qualities.
Semen contains dozens of compounds that that have all been known to alleviate the psychological malady known as “the blues.” Semen is a mood-enhancing potion that contains cortisol, estrone, oxytocin, prolactin, melatonin, and serotonin.
21. Dead sperm can still fertilize an egg.
In laboratory settings, scientists have been able to fertilize female human eggs using dead human sperm. Apparently the DNA, dead or alive, is all that’s needed to start bakin’ a baby.
22. Frequent ejaculation improves sperm quality.
Even if you don’t want to reproduce, there is no reasonable or justifiable excuse for not ejaculating as frequently as possible, even if you’re forced to take matters into your own hands.
23. British spies in World War I used semen as invisible ink.
No, I’m not kidding. And the name of the high-ranking military-intelligence official who ordered a study on whether semen would make an effective invisible ink was “Mansfield Cumming.”
24. Wireless technology can damage sperm.
It’s not only the heat from a toasty laptop that can kill or harm your sperm—the very WiFi connection that allows you to post on Facebook twenty thousand times a day can potentially harm both sperm and eggs. Radiofrequency electromagnetic waves are thought to induce oxidative damage to both sperm and eggs.
25. It only takes one ball to get the ball rolling.
If you have only one testicle—like, say, you’re Lance Armstrong—you can still produce enough healthy sperm to reproduce.