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Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

In a Hurry
A husband and wife entered the dentist's room. He said, "I want a tooth pulled. We are in a hurry - so no Novocain or gas. Just pull the tooth out."

" You are a brave man,” said the dentist. "Now show me the tooth"

"Open your mouth,” said the man to his wife "and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
Playroom Drama
Hearing a scream from the playroom, the mother rushed in and found her infant daughter pulling the hair of her four-year-old bother.

After separating them, the mother said to her son, “Don’t be upset with your sister, honey. She didn’t know she was hurting you.”

No sooner had the mother returned to he chores than she heard more screaming. This time she rushed in and found the baby crying. “Now what happened?” she asked.

“Nothing,” said the boy, “except that now she knows.”

Drink Til She's Hot
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."

The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

Customer Needs
A customer at a counter of a garden ornament shop said to the cashier, “Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of those sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandmas in bloomers.”

The cashier replied “that’ll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten for the flamingos, six for the sunflowers, and an apology for my wife!”
A Worn Out Lamp
Once there was this young who discovered a treasure trove.

Amongst the old and valuable things he noticed a worn out lamp.

He rubbed the lamp and out came the genie.

"Yes master, express your wish", the genie howled.

The man said, "Genie get me a grand villa where I can live happily ever after with my girlfriend".

The genie looked at the man and said, "Well, if I could make a villa like that, then why the hell do you suppose I live in this stuffy worn out lamp?"

Hunters Safety
Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.

Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.

One says to the other, "What shall we do?"

The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.

He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.

What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"

The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...
The Pearly Gates
There is a knock on the pearly gates.

Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there.

Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.

A moment later there’s another knock.

Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again.

“Hey, are you playing games with me?” Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.

“No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously. “They are trying to resuscitate me.”

Woo Woooo
A tourist and his trail guide were walking along a path when all of a sudden the guide runs up the hillside to a cave, yells "Wooo wooo," listens for a moment, and goes charging into the cave, stripping off his clothes on the run.

He returns in about 15 minutes.

The same scenario occurs again, after which the tourist asks about this strange behavior.

The guide explains that if one of the young ladies of his town is in an amorous mood, she goes into a dark cave.

If she hears "Wooo wooo," she responds "Wooo wooo" to signal that she is ready and willing.

No one knows who is who and everyone is happy.

The tourist is amazed and asks if he might partake in this local custom at the next cave.

The guide doesn’t see any problem with this.

At the next cave the tourist runs to the entrance and calls out "Wooo wooo."

To his delight, he hears a sonorous and enticing "Wooo wooo" sung back to him from the recesses of the cave.

He takes off his clothes, rushes headlong into the cave, and gets run over by a train.

Accounting Position
A company is interviewing applicants for an accountancy position, and the three finalists have been chosen.

The first one is called in, and asked, "What is two plus two?"

She answers, "Four," and is asked to leave.

The second finalist is called in, and asked the same question, "What is two plus two?"

He also answers, "Four," and is also asked to leave.

The third and final applicant is called in, and yet again asked, "What is two plus two?"

He answers, "What do you want it to be?"
Hike In The Woods
Mike, Jack, and Gary go for a hike in the woods.

They are out about an hour enjoying the sights when they come around a sharp bend in the trail and spot a bear just in front of them feeding off some vegetation next to the trail.

The bear lets out a menacing growl when it notices the hikers.

Mike says "jump up and down, make some noise to scare it away".

Jack says “that won't work, we need to play dead".

They both ask Gary “what do we do?"

There is no reply. Turning around they see Gary far down the trail behind them.
Dinner Time!
It was dinner time on a British Airways flight from London to New York.

As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: “Would you like dinner?”

“What are my choices?” asked the passenger.

“Yes or No,” replied the attendant.
Deer Hunting
A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day.

That night, one hunter retuned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck.

“Where is Mike?” asked another hunter.

“He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Mike’s partner answered.

“You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?”

“A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Mike.”
Pop The Question
Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face.

Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone.

“Darling! He blurted out, “Will you marry me?”

“Of course, I will, you silly boy,” she replied, “Who’s speaking?”
A Clever Riddle..
A man left home one morning.

He turned right and ran straight ahead.

Then he turned left.

After awhile, he turned left again, running faster than ever.

Then he turned left once more and decided to go home.

In the distance he could see two masked men waiting for him.

Who were they?

The umpire and the catcher, it was a baseball game!


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