"New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions."
--Mark Twain
"The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to."
--P.J. O'Rourke
"Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution."
--Jay Leno
"New Year's Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."
--Mark Twain
"Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account."
--Oscar Wilde
"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other."
--Anon
"Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever."
--Mark Twain
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