Giggles, Guffaws, and Groaners

Banta's son: Dad there is some one at the door to collect donations for a swimming pool.

Banta: Give him a glass of water.



A couple was having a party at their house. An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."



Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'



A husband was having great difficulty getting along with his wife – nothing but arguing and friction – so he decided to consult a marriage counselor. After they had talked for a while, the counselor said, “I suggest that you run five miles each day for a week. Then please call me back.”

A week later the counselor received a call from the husband, “
Well, asked the counselor, how are things going with you and your wife?

How should I know?” said the husband.. I am thirty-five miles away.



The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”

Yes, your honor.”

And why was that?” “

Because my wife wanted a dress.”

The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”

Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”