Warped Newz

CROWN POINT, INDIANA -- police have reopened a case of a man who died from 32 hammer blows to his head. The cause of death had been ruled a suicide. The County coroner's opinion stated that a man simply could not remain conscious long enough to hit himself in the head 32 times. (Editor's note - gee ya think?)

PALM SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA - When Jesus returns he'll have more than enough mad money for a new Ferrari or nice place to call home. That's because Ernest Digweed, who died sixteen years ago, left his entire estate to Jesus Christ, the Jesus Christ. The State Trustee Office was instructed to invest his money in government bonds, guaranteeing Jesus a total yield of $615,820 by the end of the century. Digweed's heirs are contesting the will, and have offered an unusual solution: an insurance policy in the same amount payable to Jesus upon his return. Since then, another problem has cropped up. Two individuals, each claiming to be Jesus have filed claims for the money...

UTICA, NY - Dayle Nisi was hospitalized after going skinny dipping at a nearby lake. In a fresh water version of Jaws, a giant snapping turtle used part of Nisi's anatomy as a meal. Nasi later stated, "I felt this excruciating pain in my groin and when I got my bearings, I realized a turtle had bitten my testicles and swam away with them. It's not a nice feeling, I'll tell you that." (future Darwin award hopeful)

VASSAR COLLEGE - A male student slipped a date rape drug into his girl's drink and mistakenly drank from the spiked drink himself. When the girl realized what had happened, she took him back to her room and sodomized him with a "strap-on utensil". Later, the male student dropped charges against his one time girlfriend after consulting with his lawyer.

MADRID, SPAIN - It was an embarrassing ordeal as one man's desire for safe sex got him stuck for four hours. After a long night on the town with his girlfriend, a 23-year old man put some coins into a condom machine outside a pharmacy. When nothing came out, the man pounded impatiently on the machine then stuck his hand in the opening to try to pull the condom package out. Two of his fingers became caught inside. For the next few hours he was the brunt of humiliating comments from passers-by while he and his girlfriend tried unsuccessfully to pry his hand loose.

AMSTERDAM - Two intoxicated men were fined $480 for urinating on passengers and airplane seats while aboard separate flights to Amsterdam.

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Peter Howeler has been dubbed the "Bungling Bank Robber" after screwing up a bank robbery and then some. The stupid criminal, In his attempt to hide his gun from the guard on duty, he shoved the firearm into his back pocket, and discharged it into his left buttock. After being rushed to a local hospital, he was later charged with attempted robbery.

CANCUN, MEXICO - Rita Garcia, jealous over her estranged husband Pedro's way with the women, broke into her his apartment and located his unused condoms in a drawer. She carefully opened a condom and peppered chili powder in one, resealed it perfectly and then waited for the results. After a moment of passion with his 19-year-old girlfriend Pedro was rushed to the hospital with his manhood on "fire". Rita, upon her being charged with second degree assault said, "He wanted hot sex with that 19-year-old and he got it."

NEW ORLEANS - The head of the New Orleans police force has decided that two officers found guilty of receiving medals for a lifesaving rescue will be suspended. In February, the officers reported that they saved a woman from drowning in her car after it overturned into a canal last August. Four residents said they, rather than the officers, rescued the young woman, and witnesses said police officers did not arrive at the scene until after the victim had been pulled out of the canal and revived.

MANASSAS, VIRGINIA - Wayne Snider planned a heist down to the last detail. The plan was to hold up an armored car as it made its pickup at a local bowling alley. Right on schedule, Snider rushed up to the driver, flashed a gun at him and screamed, "Give it up!" The startled driver looked around inside the vehicle and finally handed the stupid criminal a large sack. It took Snider several minutes but eventually he realized a terrible mistake had been made. Instead of holding up the armored car he had robbed a laundry truck. The sack contained a bunch of dirty mop heads.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - Police are looking for a "butcher" with no medical training who, while posing as a plastic surgeon, mutilated at least three people, including a former male champion bodybuilder who received women's breasts instead of pectoral implants. The imposter, Reinaldo Silvestre, and two accomplices used an animal tranquilizer in botched operations including the one preformed on bodybuilder, Mr. Mexico of 1975. The case came to light last month when a videotape was brought to police showing the surgery on the bodybuilder. Miami Beach police Capt. Charles Press spoke about the videotape "... it was obscene. I've been [a police officer] for almost 25 years, and I was repulsed. The guy kept waking up. They told him to lie down and not worry about it. He was in obvious pain." The videotape showed that Silvestre used an instrument that resembled a spatula during the surgery. It also showed him jamming the implants into the man's chest with his fingers.

LA CROSSE, WISCONSIN - Police arrested a suspect who accosted a woman near an automatic teller machine with a knife. The stupid criminal told police that he wasn't trying to rob her-- he only wanted to sell her the knife....

FAYETTEVILLE, ARK - A football fan with a cellular phone in his pocket equipped with one-touch buttons called the 911 emergency number 35 times by standing up and sitting down while cheering. Police eventually traced it to Razorback Stadium where the man was held for questioning and scolded..

Roy Sullivan, the forest ranger who enjoys the record for being struck by lightning five times, is still at it. He now has two more strikes to his credit. Actually, he was hit again on the shoulder, and the seventh and latest hit set his hair on fire for a record third time, and singed his clothing. "Some people are allergic to flowers", says Sullivan. "I'm allergic to lightning." (Future Darwin award hopeful)

MARSHFIELD, WISCONSIN - A man will spend 20 days in jail for urinating on an ATM machine. Apparently James Turley became frustrated when the machine wouldn't give him any money and proceeded to pee all over the machine. Unfortunately, for Turley, a security camera recorded the whole thing in living color. A judge placed him on probation for three years and ordered him not to carry an ATM card.

LEEDS, ENGLAND - Colin Wilson burst into a fast food restaurant at closing time brandishing a wooden table leg as a weapon and demanding money. The restaurant manager, who was standing near the deep fryer, simply reached over and yanked the fry basket out of the hot grease and whacked Wilson across the face with it. The stupid criminal beat a hasty retreat toward the door. He was arrested a short time later after a nearby hospital tipped police that they had a patient with an outline of a French fry basket burned into his forehead. (Future Darwin award hopeful)

THE CAYMAN ISLANDS - Jason Randall dialed what he thought was the number of his drug dealer to buy some cocaine. Unfortunately he dialed the wrong number, and reached the deputy chief of the police department's drug task force, who decided to play along and set up a meeting to make the deal. Randall showed up and was promptly arrested.

ANOKA, MINN - Jan Steffen, 33, a hair stylist got five years in prison for trying to hire a hit man to kill her husband after she allegedly botched two attempts herself. During one of the attempts, Steffen used an exotic method of asphyxiation she saw on TV's "Matock."