Maurice was staggering along a road in the ritziest part of town, throwing empty beer cans into the street and falling into people’s gardens. His singing gained the attention of a passing policeman. “What do you think you’re doing in this area drunk out of your mind and making so much noise?” the policeman asked. “Forgive me, officer,” said Maurice, “but today is my office’s annual outing and I couldn’t very well not have a few beers, could I?” “Well, I understand,” said the policeman, “but where are all the others?” “I wouldn’t know,” said Maurice. “I’m self-employed!”
What do you call a sleepwalking priest?
A roamin’ Catholic.
A little boy got lost at a baseball game. He found a security guard and said, “I don’t know where my dad is.” “What’s he like?” asked the policeman. “Beer and women,” said the little boy.
Maurice walked into a bar. He ordered a dozen drinks to be placed in a row in front of him. He shook his head back and forth as he drank. He suddenly cried to the bartender, “I shouldn’t be drinking this with what I’ve got.” The sympathetic bartender said, “Oh, you poor man, what have you got?” Maurice said, “Only a quarter.”
Math teacher: Little Joey, if you subtract 11,412 from 16,403, what’s the difference?
Little Joey: Yes, I think it’s pretty silly, too.
One afternoon centuries ago, some Eskimos got so cold while they were out fishing that they lit a fire in the bottom of their kayak. Unfortunately their kayak caught on fire and sank. The moral: “You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.”
Melissa: Miguel is the man I’m going marry.
Morticia: Oh, he’s so handsome that it’s no wonder you picked him over Carlos and Pedro.
Melissa: He is handsome, but you should have seen the Juan that got away.
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