A Cannibal Tribe’s Church Announcements

Posted on February 17, 2010 by Pleated Jeans
Thank you, Shaman Tonku for that inspiring drug-induced incantation. Hopefully, your cries for the death of our enemies will soon be appeased by the Great Creator.

Fellow cannibals of the Malagoo tribe, our morning chant is almost over, but first, a few announcements and reminders:

As always, we encourage everyone to join us for Sacred Rock study later today. This week’s discussion focuses on the topic of gluttony. When it comes time to honor a fallen relative by eating his or her flesh and internal organs, is there such a thing as too much of a good thing? Join us on the big hill this afternoon when the sun is at its highest point in the sky to find out.

A quick note on the outreach campaign that we began last month – our efforts in spreading the word of the Lizard King continue to bear fruit by bringing new fish to our stream. Today, Jerry joins fellow Christian missionary converts Phil and Tim as the newest members of our humble congregation. Clearly, our hut-knocking campaign is paying off. Keep up the good work and everyone please be sure to extend Jerry a warm welcome following the chant.

Thanks to your contributions, the members of our youth group have finally acquired enough mystic root to partake in their confirmation walkabout. Please take time this week to chant for the manifestation of bountiful hallucinations along their journey. Offspring, we welcome you to the adult community and wish for you to return safely from the enemy village with many heads in tow.

Two moons from now is our monthly cannibal potluck. Due to previous issues we’ve had with people bringing similar dishes (four people brought different parts of Phil last time), we are going to request that you sign up in advance for the dish you intend to bring. Please see Grunlap after service for the sign-up sheet.

Also, Shaman Tonku would like to reiterate that we still need volunteers for next month’s human sacrifice. If you are interested in helping to ensure a bountiful harvest this fall, and are also a virgin, then we invite you to meet with Jaiko as soon as possible so that he may begin the process of custom-fitting the stone restraints for your arms, feet and head.

As added incentive for helping us out with this very important event, all sacrificial volunteers will have the honor of being slathered in the marinating sauce of their choice prior to death.

On a similar note, all volunteer positions related to the ceremonial impregnation of the virgin prior to sacrifice have been filled. Please stop asking.

And finally, this week’s Eucharist has been brought to you by the Body of Tim. Thank you, Tim.

Fellow tribesman, this concludes our weekly announcements. Please go in peace to love and serve the Lizard King.

*pleated-jeans (now with a hyphen)