At the end of a business trip, Maurice was driving through a small town when he decided to stop and watch a Little League game at a local park. In the fifth inning, Maurice was surprised to see the manager bring in a cocker spaniel for an inning of relief. The dog struck out the side. “That’s incredible!” Maurice exclaimed to the man next to him. “His owners must be so proud of him!” “Not particularly,” said the spectator. “He’s an effective middle reliever, but every time he starts or finishes a game, he gets bombed.”
One day three female astronauts—a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde—had a few drinks in a bar to celebrate their accomplishments. The brunette said, “We should be proud that we were the first female astronauts to land on the moon.” The redhead said, “And we should be proud that we were the first astronauts to walk on Mars.” The blonde added, “And we should be proud that someday we’ll be the first astronauts to fly to the sun.” “Don’t be ridiculous,” said the brunette. ”If we got within a 100-mile radius of the sun, we would burn up and die!” The blonde replied, “That’s why we’ll go at night, after the sun goes down.”
Herb: I’ll have you know that Junior could recite the Gettysburg Address at the age of twenty-two!
Max: What’s so great about that?
Herb: Well, Abraham Lincoln didn’t recite it until he was fifty-four!
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two dumb truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet, 4 inches tall. “What do you think?” one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. “Not a cop in sight. Let’s do it!”
Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"
10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"
9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"
8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"
7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"
6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"
5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"
4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"
3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"
2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"
1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"
YOU MAY NEED A NEW PSYCHIC IF...
* He keeps shaking black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."
* Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"
* Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.
* His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.
* His spoon bending requires two pliers.
* Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes."
* During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."
* Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."
* Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.
* Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.
* Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.
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