Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
2. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
3. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
4. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
5. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
6. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
7. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
8. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Temperature is relative...
60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Saskatchewan people sunbathe.
50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Saskatchewan people plant gardens.
40 above - Italian cars won't start.
Saskatchewan people drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes.
The Saskatchewan River's water gets thicker.
20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Saskatchewan people have the last cookout before it gets cold.
15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Saskatchewan people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Saskatchewan people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.
20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Saskatchewan people get out their winter coats.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Saskatchewan's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. (Ha ha! Polar bears live in the Arctic!!)
Saskatchewan's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.
Saskatchewan people rent some videos.
100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Saskatchewan people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Saskatchewan cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.
Saskatchewan people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"
500 below - Hell freezes over.
The Saskatchewan Roughriders win The Grey Cup again. (my apologies for the Farenheit temps, gotta make sure my American readers understand this!)
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."
A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
1. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
2. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
3. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
4. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
5. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
6. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
7. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
8. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Temperature is relative...
60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Saskatchewan people sunbathe.
50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Saskatchewan people plant gardens.
40 above - Italian cars won't start.
Saskatchewan people drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes.
The Saskatchewan River's water gets thicker.
20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Saskatchewan people have the last cookout before it gets cold.
15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Saskatchewan people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Saskatchewan people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.
20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Saskatchewan people get out their winter coats.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Saskatchewan's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. (Ha ha! Polar bears live in the Arctic!!)
Saskatchewan's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.
Saskatchewan people rent some videos.
100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Saskatchewan people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Saskatchewan cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.
Saskatchewan people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"
500 below - Hell freezes over.
The Saskatchewan Roughriders win The Grey Cup again. (my apologies for the Farenheit temps, gotta make sure my American readers understand this!)
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."
A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
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