Freehold Iowa Moves Quickly to Have Day Laborers and Hogs Put Down!
Iowa State News Alert - Panic spread across Freehold Iowa earlier this week after town council members ordered local police officers to arrest all day laborers and immediately deliver them to an emergency holding farm constructed on a 5-acre clearing at the end of an old logging road that leads into the abandoned Landover salt mines. The council also demanded that all local hog farmers round up their livestock with curly tails and deliver them to the same location at their earliest convenience, but no later than next Saturday.
Town Council President, Pastor Deacon Fred delivered the following announcement during the Wednesday evening service at Landover Baptist Church: "Some of you folks are gonna have to part with your Mexican maids, gardeners and toilet scrubbers. Others will see a strain on their businesses, having to pay the socialist minimum wage until suitable substitutes can be smuggled into the county. You might have to settle with hiring an Oriental or two to paint your Baptist homes, do the landscaping or help your children lay railroad lines for their toy train sets. At least until the Lord's temper tantrum and subsequent killing spree is over. Seems God is mighty upset over all the Mary Worshipping and outsourced meth-making going on down in Mexico land. In fact, He is so darn p.o.'ed that He slapped together a new virus, as is His wont since plagues always have proved to be wonderfully successful! Glory!" Pastor Deacon Fred continued, "When will the Catholics ever learn that Jesus likes to be the center of attention and can't stomach folks who give His showboating, needy, attention-whore momma more attention than Him? The gang-banging and border hopping must have been the last straw for the Lord. Now half of Mexico is racing to gobble down their last cocaine-laced pork tamale! And God hates folks who eat pork unless they have found a crafty way to get around it with some nimble Bible interpreting, like all real American Christians have!"
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*The Landover Baptist Church
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