What would happen if Apple ran any of the Big Three car companies?
1. Your car would come with DRM... and a 30 dollar data plan?
2. Well, all the emblems on the cars would glow.
3. Acceleration and braking would be handled with a single pedal. It would drive slower in Redmond than it would in Cupertino. You'd have a choice of: brushed aluminum. Steering would be done via touchscreen. You could only use Apple brand gasoline from Apple brand gas stations.
4. The iCar... if it needs a new battery, an oil change, or any other maintenance, you have to send it in and wait a few weeks before getting it back. But EVERYONE would have one and want the new one.
5. We'd have very pretty, overpriced cars?
6. The cars would last longer but upgrading them would be a bitch. Also, if you're doing something he doesn't like inside the car, Steve Jobs can make it explode from a remote location.
7. You would need a custom built apple tires for your apple car and you would only be able to refuel at apple gas stations.
8. I like the idea of translucent body panels. Can I get my new car in Bondi-blue?
9. We would have white or aluminum finish cars. Of course batteries would still explode, the small cars would overheat, the Heavy Duty vehicles would only be offered with 2 different transmissions, and both would suck. Upgrade parts for all cars would be 4 times the cost and void the warranty if you did not use Apple Automotives parts. There would be a whole new level of Ricers that I cant even begin to dream up. The commercials would be the same..."hello I am a Mac GT, and I am a Ford"...
10. We would have 200k hybrids that got worse gas mileage, uses a special extra expensive non-compatible fuel, and can't drive on 90% of the earths roads.
11. The apple sound would occur every time you turn it on. Every car would come standard with the newest in built bluetooth, GPS, rear view cameras, touch screen interface, and digital displays. However, none of these would be optional. Every car would be white or black. Not a single sharp edge would exist. It would run ridiculously hot.
12. You wouldnt be able to fix it yourself, but yet take it to a Mac store and some douchebag that wont want to get greasy will say, "We have to send it back to Mac"... While you dont have a car to drive.
13. Cars would only come in white, you could only buy parts directly from the dealers, and they'd be of a higher quality yet each model would have a fatal flaw. Not sure if Detroit would come out ahead on that one.
14. If Jobs ran one of the car companies, then the Cars from that company will run on only 'Jobs' approved fuel, the bonnet will be wielded shut and can only be opened by 'Jobs' approved person. You would only be able to drive it on 'Jobs' approved roads within speeds approved by 'Jobs'. The car would have a never before seen outer design, but will borrow its inners from a already proven free designs. And the buyers will be able to buy a car for two times its actual value just to prove they are superior to everyone else.
What would happen if Microsoft ran any of the Big Three car companies?
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "CarXP" or "VISTACar." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Mac would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. MS would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a MS subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, MS would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Everytime MS introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
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