'Jest' for laughs....

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Paulson, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hendren, gave me $10,000"

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Paulson.



"Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on it's merits!"



During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight rom Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant.

"I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said,

"Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."



The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."



About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I
left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand in starting the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car, and drove off.

I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by, and when I saw her in the rear view mirror coming atme at about 40.MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more dear with my directions!



I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.



One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would tum off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three year lease with an option to buy.



While practicing auto-rotations during a mlitary night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up and landed on ,its tail rotor so hard that it broke off the tail boom. Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway, turning in circles.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place ...

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"



Our family was dazzled by the sights and the bustling crowds during a visit to Manhattan. "This is the city that never sleeps," I told my eleven-year-old daughter.

"That's probably because there's a Starbucks on every comer," she observed.



I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy."

I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."