Baltimore -- Scientists at the National Institute of Health confirmed today that the metal in rat cages does indeed cause cancer in laboratory animals.
At a mid-afternoon NIH press conference Dr. Ronald Jam reflected the sentiment of his beleaguered colleagues. "Apparently by brushing up against the cages the little bastards contact cancer of all types. We thought about everything…we just never thought about the cages. I mean, this was a lot of work, and now it's all gone, just like that. Twenty-three years, two ex-wives, and five kids who wont talk to me? And for what? To start all over again? My whole life's down the crapper." At that point Dr. Jam broke into a low resonating howl of utter frustration and was led away from the briefing by an unidentified member of the nursing staff.
"Yeah, this could be a problem with the research data alright," said Dr. Erwin Burnbaum, Director of The Foundation for All Scientific Data. "Sure didn't see this one coming. Nope." Burnbaum confirmed that all scientific data up until now was rendered worthless by the recent findings.
At a mid-afternoon NIH press conference Dr. Ronald Jam reflected the sentiment of his beleaguered colleagues. "Apparently by brushing up against the cages the little bastards contact cancer of all types. We thought about everything…we just never thought about the cages. I mean, this was a lot of work, and now it's all gone, just like that. Twenty-three years, two ex-wives, and five kids who wont talk to me? And for what? To start all over again? My whole life's down the crapper." At that point Dr. Jam broke into a low resonating howl of utter frustration and was led away from the briefing by an unidentified member of the nursing staff.
"Yeah, this could be a problem with the research data alright," said Dr. Erwin Burnbaum, Director of The Foundation for All Scientific Data. "Sure didn't see this one coming. Nope." Burnbaum confirmed that all scientific data up until now was rendered worthless by the recent findings.
*Creeping tabloidism online newspaper satire...The Newz.com
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