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Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Winnipeg

One wacked out movie...

An anthill. Amazing!

Your life on Earth

How you and the world have changed since you were born. Best viewed on Chrome, Firefox and Internet Explorer 10 and above

Click here to goto BBC.com
Click above to get started
please make a comment if the page doesn't work for you.

Explore BBC Earth's unique interactive, personalised just to you.

Find out how, since the date of your birth, your life has progressed; including how many times your heart has beaten, and how far you have travelled through space.

Investigate how the world around you has changed since you've been alive; from the amount the sea has risen, and the tectonic plates have moved, to the number of earthquakes and volcanoes that have erupted.

Grasp the impact we've had on the planet in your lifetime; from how much fuel and food we've used to the species we've discovered and endangered.
And see how the BBC was there with you, capturing some of the most amazing wonders of the natural world.

Explore, enjoy, and share with your friends either the whole page, or your favourite insights.

This is your story, the story of your life on earth.

Lead photo credit: John Kellerman / Alamy.

Old Age...

ROMANCE

Barb was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me..."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked..

"To get my teeth!"
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Please!!!! Friends, tell me this won't happen to us !!!!

The Old Cowboy

The old cowboy
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

12 Truths About Lying

12 Truths About Lying - Michael Josephson

Monday, July 30, 2018

VERN'S FUNERAL

Vernon works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doing?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Vern."He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says...

"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY AT 2.

The Bravest Joke Teller Ever. This Man Has A Death Wish.

Do you know when it’s not time to make a blonde joke? Most situations are probably not good times to make them, actually. You will want to be with friends who know you are not serious about them if you want to make them at all.

This guy, we’re not sure he knew what he was doing.
The Bravest Joke Teller Ever. This Man Has A Death Wish.

From The "Shann Man"...

I shot the serif.
Amen

When I went to church last week, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just have to share it with you:

"Dear Lord, This sure has been a tough four to five years. You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite musician Michael Jackson, my favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse, my favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favourite singer Whitney Houston, my favourite author Tom Clancy, and now my favourite comedian Robin Williams!

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Mike Duffy, Pamela Wallin, Rob Ford, and that Trudeau kid."

Amen


SEX

On average, an American or Canadian man will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.

This is upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.


THE YOUNG PRIEST

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats.

It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.''

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir.

Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.''

''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. ''I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.''

''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.''

''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''

''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof..


Putin Transparency

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is an opportunity for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions sir, Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?”

Putin says, "Good questions."

But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes off, and the kids go to lunch.

When they return to class, the kids sit back down and there is an opportunity for some more questions.

Another young girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says,  "I have Four questions. My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell for lunch go off 20 minutes early? And where is Sasha?"


Male Logic

Female Logic is an oxymoron of the greatest magnitude.

Male logic (or just plain logic) follows a direct path, clearly tying the consequences of action to the actor.

Female logic doesn’t follow a direct path. Female logic always contains a patsie, something to blame her her actions on just in case something goes wrong. This is why whenever a girl screws up, it's never her fault – she’s used female logic to cover her ass.

Male Logic: Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put into a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?


Sex with a ghost*

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience , the lecturer asks , "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands .

"Well, that's a good start . Out of those who believe in ghosts , do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands .

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously . Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand .

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands .

"That's fantastic . Now let me ask you one question further ... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Steve raises his hand .

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost . You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Antartian student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks , "So, Steve, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Steve replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

*Altered slightly from original form

Magician - Jamie Raven - Britain's Got Talent

Twins experiment reveals genetic link with mosquito bites

From Phys*Org
Identical twins place their hands in a Y-shaped tube filled with mosquitoes to see how attractive they smell.
Credit: London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine
The likelihood of being bitten by mosquitoes could be down to our genes, according to a study carried out on twins. Research from the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine found, for the first time, an underlying genetic component to how attractive we are to mosquitoes and this is likely to be caused by genetic control of our body odour.

Although this was a pilot study, it provides exciting information which may allow us to understand more about how our intimate relationship with mosquitoes has evolved. Ultimately the finding could result in the development of better ways to control mosquitoes and the diseases they transmit.

The findings are published in PLOS ONE and build on previous research where it was shown that attractiveness to insects is based on differences in body odour. People who are less attractive to mosquitoes produce natural repellents. It seems that this trait is genetically controlled.

A series of trials using 18 identical and 19 non-identical female twins showed that identical twin pairs were more similar in attractiveness to mosquitoes than non-identical twin pairs. The extent to which genes play a part - the level of heritability - in the trait for being attractive or not to mosquitoes was found to be at a similar level (0.83) as that associated with height (0.8) and IQ (0.5-0.8).

Funded by the Sir Halley Stewart Trust, the pilot study was carried out in collaboration with the University of Nottingham, Rothamsted Research and the University of Florida. TwinsUK assisted with recruitment of the sets of twins.

In the experiment, Aedes aegypti, dengue mosquitoes, were released into a Y-shaped tube which divides into two sections. They were allowed to fly down either side towards the odour from the study participants' hands to see which twin they were most attracted to.

Female mosquitoes display preferences for the smell of certain people when they choose who to bite to feed on the blood which they require to reproduce. For example, pregnant women are more attractive to Anopheles gambiae (the principal malaria vector in Africa) than their non-pregnant counterparts, and people with a greater body mass also appear to be more attractive to mosquitoes and midges. Diet is often suggested as an explanation, with anecdotes about eating garlic or drinking beer to keep mosquitoes away. However, there is no clear and consistent dietary explanation.

Senior author Dr James Logan, Senior Lecturer in Medical Entomology at the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine, said: "By investigating the genetic mechanism behind attractiveness to biting insects such as mosquitoes we can move closer to using this knowledge for better ways of keeping us safe from bites and the diseases insects can spread through bites. If we understand the genetic basis for variation between individuals it could be possible to develop bespoke ways to control mosquitoes better, and develop new ways to repel them. In the future we may even be able to take a pill which will enhance the production of natural repellents by the body and ultimately replace skin lotions."

How the Sun sees you - UV light shows it all (and more!)

Sunday, July 29, 2018

Ahem.... Dirty Laundry...

Ahem.... Dirty Laundry...

A priest and a rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

The priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
priest
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded,"Yes, that is still one of our laws."
Rabbi
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

A very good comparison...

Single vs married - Girls and Boys

The blonde man has arrived ...

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He
spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her Contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve To avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the Road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't You put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.

A blonde man is in jail.
The guard looks in his cell and sees him Hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

(This one actuallymakes sense.)

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall Backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell Forward, they'd still be in the boat."

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said:

"Close your curtains the Next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied:
"Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

The Goodnight kiss :-*

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need be mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!

Top 10 Star Wars Lightsaber Battles In Movies and TV

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Little Eyes

A message every adult should read, because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say....



When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.



When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.



When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favourite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.



When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.



When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.



When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.



When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.



When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.



When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.



When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.



When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.



When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.



"I AM POSTING THIS SO ALL OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW WHO DO SO MUCH FOR OTHERS AND THINK NO ONE EVER SEES.



LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT.

Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, sister, brother, teacher or friend)influence the life of a child.

Strange Laws


VERY STRANGE LAWS FROM AROUND THE WORLD:

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam!)

In Canada, it is forbidden to flash your genitals at passing tourists, but you are allowed to flash them at helicopters flying at less than 50 feet.
-- In Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, It is illegal to try and catch fish with your hands.

In Paris, it is illegal to walk with your hand up a ladies skirt, but you may touch breasts whilst traveling on the metro...

Saturday at work....

Saturday at work....

Making Sense Of English

Nothin here
Lets face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.

Why are there clouds?

Nice Little Poem

Twerking Hamster

Friday, July 27, 2018

What's Prettier Than Freckles?

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fellow.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful."

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles!"

"Bright Spring Morning"

from ello
Bright Spring Morning
by @budnitz

Auction

You don't have to understand Italian to follow the auctioneer:

A Chinese Ming Vase is up for auction. The bidding opens at a half-million Euros. Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each raises the bid by 100,000 Euros. (The exchange rate at auction time was 1 Euro = $1.43.) Within seconds, the bid stalls at One million Euros, and the gasp from the crowd identifies the excitement that prevails in the room. The successful bidder is the last one who bid one million, and the auctioneer counts down the bid, "Going once, going twice, and sold to the gentleman sitting in front of me for one million Euros."

Now, you are going to have to see the video for yourself. The auctioneer is exuberant.

The pace is fast. This is how an auction should be run.

Photos from Nanoose Bay British Columbia, Canada

Nanoose Bay British Columbia Canada

Orca at Nanoose Bay British Columbia Canada

Orca at Nanoose Bay British Columbia Canada

Orca at Nanoose Bay British Columbia Canada
Did you know, the Orca, (Killer Whale), is a member of the dolphin family?

US Airspace from 8am to 3pm CST today

https://www.facebook.com/FlightAware/videos/10150345232740313/
US Airspace from 8am to 3pm CST today. Click above to watch the wacky video
Posted by FlightAware on Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Who is this?

question mark

The following was "said" about a specific person who was not "afraid to"...

1. die
2. be killed in nasty ways
3. be mashed into a pulp
4. have his eyes gouged out
5. have his elbows broken
6. have his kneecaps split
7. have his body burned away
8. have his limbs all hacked and mangled, nor
9. have his head smashed in, his heart cut out, his liver removed, his bowels unplugged, or his bottom burnt off.

Click here for the answer.

Thursday, July 26, 2018

A homosexual in the family


He was a tough military man, an officer who had spent his life as a soldier, and now he was very angry with his son. The boy was 14 and had admitted to his mother that he thought he was gay. He confessed that he had no interest at all in women but felt strongly attracted to males.

He had kept this to himself, with the exception of a few similarly oriented friends. It was precisely his band of friends (all gay) that had alerted his father and caused him to confront his son. Trembling with fear, the boy nevertheless was able to tell his father the truth about how he felt. His dad was furious and belittled him and told him to “grow up and be a real man.”

The situation threatened to get out of hand and I was called in. The dad refused to listen and kept insisting that all the boy needed was to get into sports and have a few women and he would be just fine. In the meantime, there was no way that he could or would accept that his only son was gay.

There are few problems that cause more distress in parents than the discovery that their son or daughter isn’t “normal.” It is a shock for them to learn that Juan is a homosexual, or that Pilar is a lesbian. Long after all the evidence is in, parents will still remain in denial for quite a while. And some go to the grave without ever accepting the reality of their child’s sexuality.

The rejection of the child’s homosexuality is soon interpreted by him as a rejection of his person. It is difficult to imagine just how painful is the agony that young people experience as they deal with the reality of their own sexual orientation and the overt hostility they feel coming from a parent who is unwilling to accept the teenager’s homosexuality.

When a youngster is faced with the thought that he might be gay, he will initially go into denial. He instinctively knows the consequences of being gay. He is aware that if indeed he is gay, his lifestyle will be very different from most boys. He understands that he will be in the minority. A minority that is all too often mocked and scoffed at, made fun of and openly rejected by many.

He wonders too about his standing in the Church, which is quick to say that it condemns homosexual behavior but not the homosexual. This even if the Church expects him to refrain from any homosexual acts, never mind that he feels no urge to have sex with women. In fact, for many homosexuals, the thought of having sex with a woman is as abhorrent as is the prospect to a heterosexual man having sex with a male.

He fears the reaction and rejection of family, friends and strangers if and when they come to know the truth about himself. He worries even if God will understand him.



We don’t really know what causes homosexuality. Some say the causes are genetic. Others maintain that it is learned behavior. I think it is a combination of both genetics and learned behavior.


How do you explain the homosexual who has had no desire for women since the day he was born? Genetics. Then, later on when he gravitates toward like-minded young people, he learns behavior.

Homosexuality, however, isn’t something that parents do. Still, many parents feel guilty and ask themselves what it is they did to cause their son to become a homosexual.

The American Psychiatric Association believes that “innate characteristics contribute to sexual orientation cannot be changed through medical or psychiatric treatment.” Still, many parents, upon learning that their child is a homosexual or lesbian, will try to change him or her. Unable to accept the reality confronting them, they feverishly look for ways to make things right. And making it right usually means doing what it takes to get them back to normal.

That might mean getting the boy to go out with a woman. I know of instances when fathers have brought the gay son to a prostitute in the hope that sex with a woman will do the job. It doesn’t, of course. What it does, however, is to further traumatize the youngster. Or, the pressure is on for him to get into sports and “act like a real man.”

In many cases, there is a subtle (or not so subtle) rejection of the homosexual son or lesbian daughter. This is reflected in the feelings of the children who find it difficult to feel one with their parents.

We parents have expectations of our children and it is inconceivable that a parent wishes to have a homosexual son or lesbian daughter. So when it does happen, parents have a lot of adjustments to make.

But before making adjustments, they will need to do battle with their own feelings. They will need to face their own reality and their own unfulfilled expectations. Fathers feel guilty for not teaching masculine values.

They naturally see their sons as reflections of themselves and they don’t like what they are seeing.

There is a measure of shame. What will friends and the extended family think? And there is anger that things worked out this way. Anger with God even. Why did He let this happen?

Then, there is great confusion as this mix of feelings gives rise to a sense of increasing helplessness and hopelessness as nothing seems to work when trying to change the youngster.

It is not surprising that parents get so disturbed when they are faced with the reality of a homosexual child. Not surprisingly, their feelings run the whole gamut, from hope for change to despair that nothing will ever change.

*PEOPLE By BOB GARON

Tales from The Help Desk...

Are You a Computer Illiterate?

1. Hewlett-Packard is considering changing the command "Press Any Key," "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. Hewlett-Packard technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Hewlett-Packard technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old cd's. After trouble-shooting for scratched or cracked CD's he diagnosed the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the discs then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. Sheesh!

4. Another Hewlett-Packard customer was asked to send a copy of her defective thumb drives. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the thumb drives.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled CD back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad" and "invalid." The tech explained that the computer's bad and invalid responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing Happens." The "pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Hewlett-Packard tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

Signs in the checkout stand

spooky moon

Aries: goes into the store wanting to get only cereal but comes out to the stand with more that they can afford BECAUSE LOOK AT ALL THE PRETTY JUNK FOOD ON DISPLAY

Taurus: has magical abilities to stand in line for hours if they need to, and will utterly destroy anyone that tries to cut in line

Gemini: holding up the line cuz WOW LETS START A CONVERSATION WITH THE CASHIER JUST BECAUSE

Cancer: the cashier, they dropped my sausages on purpose..what are they trying to say, HUH?? they just THREW my stuff in that bag, what did i ever do to YOU?

Leo: buys only dark chocolate–THAT’LL SHOW THEM HOW SOPHISTICATED I AM

Virgo: filth, FILTH EVERYWHERE, they’re getting their dirty money hands on my food gah stop touching them pls wear gloves i cant stand to watch my food dirtied by their hands

Libra: shows up with multiple colors/flavors of everything because they can’t decide which one they wanted more–so why not get all?

Scorpio: blocks the pathway with their 50 shopping carts because 1 isn't enough

Sagittarius: the one who always gets convinced into buying the buy 2 get 1 free candy-bar special at the counter

Capricorn: PLS LET ME CUT IN LINE MY LITTLE SIBLING WILL DIE IF I DONT DELIVER THEM SOME DORITOS ASAP

Aquarius: -slams a stack of discount coupons onto the counter-

Pisces: still in line hours later because they keep letting everyone cut in front of them.

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Passing Wind

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing....