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Tuesday, June 05, 2018

Guide to Winnipeg

1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is WIN-A-PEG, Not VIN-A-PEG and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places.

2. Winnipeg has its own version of traffic rules. Never forget that downtown Winnipeg is composed in large part of one way streets. The only way to get out of the center of town is to turn around and start over when you reach the river.

3. All directions start with, "Go down Portage."

4. Portage has no beginning and no end.

5. The 8:00 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, there's no chance you're from Winnipeg. Yellow lights are for sissies.

7. Lagimodiere Blvd can only be pronounced by a native Winnipegger, so do not attempt the phonetic pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. (And let's not forget Noter Dayme! And of course, Portidge.)

8. Bingo, Bugs and Perogies are a way of life. Deal with it.

9. Construction on the Winnipeg streets in summer is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. (Especially those dopey-looking city workers holding up signs in traffic that say in big orange letters "SLOW". I always want to yell, "You don't really need to advertise, buddy!".

10. Many bizarre sights can be explained simply by realizing "Oh, we're in Transcona!"

11. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

12. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was made.

13. Buying a Winnipeg street map is a waste of money since the termination or continuation of any street is entirely at the discretion of the Works Department of the City. Eg: Salter, Isabel, Balmoral, Colony, Memorial, Osborne, Dunkirk. You've gone two miles on the same road and the name changes seven times.

14. Asking directions will help you get acquainted with numerous happy-to-help residents. It may not be any help at all for finding the address you seek.

15. Never honk your horn at another car in traffic. The bumper sticker that reads,"Keep honking, I'm reloading." is considered a fair warning.

16. Exit and entry ramps on the Perimeter are just the recommended way of entering and exiting, feel free to exit at any grassy point you wish.

17. All drivers frightened of heights, stay clear of Charleswood and its ten-foot ditches. Believe me when I say you won't get out without a hundred-dollar towing bill.

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