Saturday, April 12, 2008

why i want to die


"from the depths of darkness...the dragon lurks..calls..."

the thoughts never truly go away

ya know, its strange that so many people out there do not unnerstand why i would want to die. i mean, after all, i have a kid. right? and i love him dearly. but his dad's a mess. well i will attempt to tell you why. first of all, i hate myself. plain and simple. all i ever think about are ways to kill myself. everyone hates that i think this. i can't help it though. i am sick. i am not getting better. i am getting worse. i fool people better now than i ever have. i can hide the cuts arms, and i can lie and tell people that i do not know why i do this and lie and tell them that the medications are working. they are not. i can keep posting on 'oz' and then people think i'm doing just fine, thank you very much. all i want is freedom from living in so much f'in pain. it hurts. more than most of you will ever know. crying is not a big deal, its the times that i don't cry that count the most. every waking moment is filled with ways for me to off myself, always thinking about taking all the pills, but stopping. or hoping i won't wake up in the morning. so i have been trying to deal with these suicidal feelings for most of my life. i am just tired and i wait for the day

but hey, i'm coping. i'm still here, right?

--posted by mickee

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Listen, I felt that way too. Attempted suicide up to 4 times a day. But then (and I know it sounds stupid and fake and weird, but it is soo true) I found God. I didn't ever want to, I was totally against Him. But I saw demons. Shadows crawling up trees, laughing at me, jumping around in my bedroom. I was terrified. So I just started praying to a God that I didn't believe in. I did some research, started reading the Bible. I haven't attempted suicide since febuary, haven't hurt myself since August, and just last week I looked in the mirror and thought "Wow, I'm actually... Pretty." I still dislike myself, I think I'm fat and stupid, I'm 5'2 and weigh 150, so I am actually pretty fat, but I am working on it. You should try to find God too. He's waiting :)