Saturday, April 12, 2008
why i want to die
"from the depths of darkness...the dragon lurks..calls..."
the thoughts never truly go away
ya know, its strange that so many people out there do not unnerstand why i would want to die. i mean, after all, i have a kid. right? and i love him dearly. but his dad's a mess. well i will attempt to tell you why. first of all, i hate myself. plain and simple. all i ever think about are ways to kill myself. everyone hates that i think this. i can't help it though. i am sick. i am not getting better. i am getting worse. i fool people better now than i ever have. i can hide the cuts arms, and i can lie and tell people that i do not know why i do this and lie and tell them that the medications are working. they are not. i can keep posting on 'oz' and then people think i'm doing just fine, thank you very much. all i want is freedom from living in so much f'in pain. it hurts. more than most of you will ever know. crying is not a big deal, its the times that i don't cry that count the most. every waking moment is filled with ways for me to off myself, always thinking about taking all the pills, but stopping. or hoping i won't wake up in the morning. so i have been trying to deal with these suicidal feelings for most of my life. i am just tired and i wait for the day
but hey, i'm coping. i'm still here, right?
--posted by mickee