Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me - I'm changing lanes.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
It IS as bad as you think; they ARE out to get you.
Dear Auntie Em,… Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy (That one's for you, Wizard).
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep (I think Brian says this about me!).
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
Real women don't have hot flashes. They have power surges.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll be the ones to choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Caution: I drive like you do.
My kid beat-up your honor student.
So many cats - So few recipes.