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Friday, December 24, 2021

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

 

Santa, and his reindeer

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

*by Clement Clarke Moore
or Henry Livingston

A Capella Christmas Songs - PENTATONIX (A.K.A. "PTX") - Amazing sound!

PENTATONIX performs a lot more than just Christmas songs...
but these will renew your enjoyment of the classic carols, to say the least.
There is a link to their Official Site at the end of this post.

Their modern take on the carols along with A Capella is a feast for your ears!

100% Wizard of 'OZ' APPROVED!

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen



Little Drummer Boy - Pentonix



Up On A Housetop – Pentonix



The First Noel – Pentonix



Joy To The World – Pentonix



Silent Night – Pentonix



Winter Wonderland/Don’t Worry, Be Happy – Pentonix



Angels We Have Heard On High – Pentonix



Carol Of The Bells – Pentonix


Click here for PENTATONIX's Official Site
Click above for PENTATONIX's Official Site, Logo © PENTATONIX

 

Reindeer Jokes

  Reindeer with Xmas lights in antlers

What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
"Horn"-aments!

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
Because he didn't want to be recognised!

How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through the air?
You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She'd go to a "re-tail" shop for a new one!

Why is Prancer always wet?
Because he's a "rain"-deer!

Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet!

When should you give reindeer milk to a baby?
When its a baby reindeer!

Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!

Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
"Rude"-olph!

What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can't hear you!

What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
This one will "sleigh" you!

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-"deer"!

Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch?
"Deery" Queen!

What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
"Elk"-a-seltzer!

How do you get into Donner's house?
You ring the "deer"-bell!

What's red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Santelope!

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!

Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was "elf"-taught!

Why did Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

What's red and green and guides Santa's sleigh?
Rudolph the red-nosed pickle!

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer also works as a maid?
Yup! Comet cleans sinks!

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in snowsuits!

Thursday, December 23, 2021

Politically Correct Christmas Party Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2021
RE: Gala Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional Carols... Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO Shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts Easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

-------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2021
RE: Holiday Party


In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

-------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2021
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign Your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign On a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, No gifts are allowed since the union embers feel that $10.00 is too Much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

PATTY

-------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2021
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which Forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the Party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of Year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the Party or else package everything for you to take it home in little Foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross Dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that People with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as Dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" Desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

-------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2021
RE: Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it Or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill Of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing Salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them Scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing weirdoes can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!
PATTY

-------------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2021
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays

Joan

Tiny Tim - A Short Christmas Story by Charles Dickens

THERE was once a man who did not like Christmas. His name was Scrooge, and he was a hard sour-tempered man of business, intent only on saving and making money, and caring nothing for anyone. He paid the poor, hard-working clerk in his office as little as he could possibly get the work done for, and lived on as little as possible himself, alone, in two dismal rooms. He was never merry or comfortable, or happy, and he hated other people to be so, and that was the reason why he hated Christmas, because people will be happy at Christmas, you know, if they possibly can.


Well, it was Christmas eve, a very cold and foggy one, and Mr. Scrooge, having given his poor clerk unwilling permission to spend Christmas day at home, locked up his office and went home himself in a very bad temper. After having taken some gruel as he sat over a miserable fire in his dismal room, he got into bed, and had somewonderful and disagreeable dreams, to which we will leave him, whilst we see how Tiny Tim, the son of his poor clerk, spent Christmas day.

The name of this clerk was Bob Cratchet. He had a wife and five other children beside Tim, who was a weak and delicate little cripple, gentle and patient and loving, with a sweet face of his own, which no one could help looking at.

It was Mr. Cratchet's delight to carry his little boy out on his shoulder to see the shops and the people; and to-day he had taken him to church for the first time.

"Whatever has got your precious father, and your brother Tiny Tim!" exclaimed Mrs. Cratchet, "here's dinner all ready to be dished up. I've never known him so late on Christmas day before."

"Here he is, mother!" cried Belinda, and "here he is!" cried the other children, as Mr. Cratchet came in, his long comforter hanging three feet from under his threadbare coat; for cold as it was the poor clerk had no top-coat. Tiny Tim was perched on his father's shoulder.

"And how did Tim behave?" asked Mrs. Cratchet.

"As good as gold and better," replied his father. "He told me, coming home, that he hoped the people in church, who saw he was a cripple, would be pleased to remember on Christmas day who it was who made the lame to walk."

"Bless his sweet heart!" said the mother in a trembling voice.

Dinner was waiting to be dished up. Mrs. Cratchet proudly placed a goose upon the table. Belinda brought in the apple sauce, and Peter the mashed potatoes; the other children set chairs, Tim's as usual close to his father's; and Tim was so excited that he rapped the table with his knife, and carried "Hurrah." After the goose came the pudding, all ablaze, with its sprig of holly in the middle, and was eaten to the last morsel; then apples and oranges were set upon the table, and a shovelful of chestnuts on the fire, and Mr. Cratchet served round some hot sweet stuff out of a jug as they closed round the fire, and said, "A Merry Christmas to us all, my dears, God bless us." "God bless us, every one," echoed Tiny Tim, and then they drank each other's health, and Mr. Scrooge's health, and told stories and sang songs.

Now in one of Mr. Scrooge's dreams on Christmas eve a Christmas spirit showed him his clerk's home; he saw them all, heard them drink his health, and he took special note of Tiny Tim himself.

How Mr. Scrooge spent Christmas day we do not know; but on Christmas night he had more dreams, and the spirit took him again to his clerk's poor home.

Upstairs, the father, with his face hidden in his hands, sat beside a little bed, on which lay a tiny figure, white and still. "Tiny Tim died because his father was too poor to give him what was necessary to make him well; you kept him poor," said the dream-spirit to Mr. Scrooge. The father kissed the cold, little face on the bed, and went down-stairs, where the sprays of holly still remained about the humble room; and taking his hat, went out, with a wistful glance at the little crutch in the corner as he shut the door. Mr. Scrooge saw all this, but, wonderful to relate, he woke the next morning feeling as he had never felt in his life before.

"Why, I am as light as a feather, and as happy as an angel, and as merry as a schoolboy," he said to himself. "I hope everybody had a merry Christmas, and here's a happy New Year to all the world."

Poor Bob Cratchet crept into the office a few minutes late, expecting to be scolded for it, but his master was there with his back to a good fire, and actually smiling, and he shook hands with his clerk, telling him heartily he was going to raise his salary, and asking quite affectionately after Tiny Tim! "And mind you make up a good fire in your room before you set to work, Bob," he said, as he closed his own door.

Bob could hardly believe his eyes and ears, but it was all true. Such doings as they had on New Year's day had never been seen before in the Cratchet's home, nor such a turkey as Mr. Scrooge sent them for dinner. Tiny Tim had his share too, for Tiny Tim did not die, not a bit of it. Mr. Scrooge was a second father to him from that day, he wanted for nothing, and grew up strong and hearty. Mr. Scrooge loved him, and well he might, for was it not Tiny Tim who had unconsciously, through the Christmas dream-spirit, touched his hard heart, and caused him to become a good and happy man?

THE BIG RED STORE

 Christmas is coming, Retail 's doing okay

For I joined the horde of shoppers
In the big, red store today

As I grabbed a trolley and sped off down the aisle
The blow up Christmas reindeer couldn't make me smile
'DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY'
I had a sinful wish
'I'd really like to punch that singing rubber fish!'

'Dad I want a Pokemon, like all the kids at school'
Having lots of plastic cards
Makes him look so cool
'Mum I want a Barbie house, it simply isn't fair'
'Santa didn't bring that much to our house last year'

Oh, the sights and sounds of Christmas
You'll experience at the store
But it's all artificial, nothings real any more

The Christmas tree is PVC, it's made in Singapore
There's even a matching plastic wreath
To hang on your front door

Nowhere was a manger scene on prominent display
To remind us of the meaning of this very special day
There were lots of jolly santas stacked high on every row
The loudspeaker bellowed
'ONLY 10 DAYS TO GO!'

The enticement to spend and spend some more
'Don't have money?'
'That's what credit is for!'
People in debt and suffering stress
Was it really Christmas that caused their distress?

Christmas traditions are now used as a ploy
To get you to buy the latest toy

St Nicholas was a saint with a heart for the poor
People don't talk about him any more
He's now known as 'Santa'
He's been hijacked to sell
On the books at Apple
And loved by Mattel
Down at Harvey Norman he can really draw a crowd
He's good at selling Christmas spirit
Does Liquor King proud

A plastic man- made Christmas
Commercial through and through
But have you ever thought what Christmas means to you?

To me, it means a Saviour sent from God above
Into a dying, desperate world to show them of His Love
Hope, Joy and Peace can be ours to receive
All He asks is that we truly believe

And I believe in Jesus, the Son of God Most High
I think of how He's blessed me
As Christmas time draws nigh
Each Christmas, my gratitude to God I express...
By using my gifts and talents to bless

Opening my home, I fulfill my desire
To reach out to others and hopefully inspire!
So celebrate Christmas and show that you care
About this special time of the year

Take your children to choose a tree
Bake festive goodies for afternoon tea
Decorate your home - now here's my advice
Lose the tinsel, it isn't that nice!
The best decorations I'm sure you'll agree
Are those made by nature - what's more, they're free!

So if your home is looking stark
Collect some pine cones from your local park
And if you're feeling really bold
You could even spray them gold!

Resist the urge to buy gifts to impress
Instead look for ways in which you can bless
You family and friends, the people you meet
The elderly neighbours who live on your street

You could give them something - perhaps made by you
Something you baked, crafted or grew

Would you open your home on Christmas day?
Invite someone on their own to stay
To be part of your family and share your meal
These kind of gestures make Christmas real

In spreading goodwill, we can all play a part
For the actions of people reveal their true heart

But in the big, red store, the queue's to the door
Where they fought over Teletubbies, it was shown on TV
On the six o'clock news for the nation to see

But we can choose a better way and redeem Christmas Day
By rejecting the hype and pressure to spend
What kind of message could we send?
For the stores don't own Christmas
It's ours to enjoy!
And to remember the birth of a baby boy
Named JESUS and He's still the REASON why we celebrate the SEASON!


Penned in December 2000
by Ann at eightacresofeden and christmasateden

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

An Angel Visits Mary

The Story in the Bible

Now in the sixth month, the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city of Galilee, named Nazareth, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. Having come in, the angel said to her, “Greetings, favored one. The Lord is with you.”

But when she saw him, she was greatly troubled at the saying, and considered what kind of salutation this might be. The angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And look, you will conceive in your womb, and bring forth a son, and will call his name ‘Jesus.’ He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father, David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever. There will be no end to his kingdom.”

Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, seeing I am a virgin?”

The angel answered her, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore also the holy one who is born will be called the Son of God.

And look, Elizabeth, your relative, also has conceived a son in her old age; and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren. For with God nothing will be impossible."

And Mary said, “See, the handmaid of the Lord; be it to me according to your word.” The angel departed from her.

Luke 1:26-38

An Angel visits Mary

The History behind an Angel visiting Mary in the Christmas Story

Mary was probably about 14 to 16 years of age when she gave birth to Jesus. This was a very common age for young women to be engaged and marry in biblical times. So the son of God was the son of a teenage mother. Joseph was probably slightly older, around 30.

Joseph and Mary were a very average couple in Israel at that time. They would have probably been quite poor. Joseph was a carpenter and this job was seen by some religious leaders as a religious duty rather than a profession. Both Joseph and Mary were descendants of King David of Israel, but at this time his family was in the poorest state it had ever been. Mary was also related to the traditional Priest families of Israel through her cousin Elizabeth.

Nazareth, the town where they both lived, was a small hill town on a caravan route through the country. It also had a center for the temple priests, in which they could come and pray and fast when they were not on duty at the temple. So a wide range of people would travel and visit a town like Nazareth.

Under Jewish law, an engagement like Joseph and Mary's was treated almost like a marriage and could only be broken by an official divorce.

The angel Gabriel, who visited Mary, is God's chief messenger angel and only appears to very important people in the Bible. The first words that Gabriel spoke to Mary 'Greetings, you who are highly favoured! The Lord is with you.' are very important words. 'Highly favoured' means 'God's holy grace is upon you' and is a divine blessing from God - something that would have never normally been said to a peasant girl like Mary! She would have been very scared by this and that is why Gabriel said 'Do not be afraid'.

The name Jesus (or Jeshua as it would have been said then) was a very common name in Israel at that time. If you had gone down a normal street and called 'JESHUA' to some children playing, it is more than likely that a couple of them would be called Jeshua! The name Jesus means 'Saviour' and has a very important meaning in the story.

Mary would have been very surprised with the Gabriel saying that the Holy Spirit would be in her, because in the old Jewish stories, only very important people had the Holy Spirit come into them. She might not have even believed that it is was going to happen, so she went to see her cousin Elizabeth, who Gabriel said would have a baby, to see if it was really true. She did this even before she told Joseph about Gabriel and Jesus.

"The Twelve Days of Christmas"

"The Twelve Days of Christmas" is an English Christmas song which details the ever accumulating list of presents some unfortunate being's true love kept bringing to her on each of the twelve days starting from Christmas Day itself. Hopefully she either (1) owned a farm, or (2) a large hotel or (3) had a hearing impairment. Its lyrics follow, but I almost ran out of room at the inn fitting them in.

"The Twelve Days of Christmas"

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me a partridge in a pear tree (so far so good).

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (oh how nice).

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (the trees should look lovely in the front yard).

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (I'll have to build an aviary).

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (I'll have to sell one of the rings to buy the wood for the bird cage).

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (looks like goose is on the Christmas menu).

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (the swans are lovely but those geese are SO noisy).

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (why on earth did he give me eight dairy maids. I haven't even got a cow!).

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (Nine - NINE extra mouths to feed! They can jolly well help feed those rotten noisy birds!).

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me ten Lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (I hate that man. Where am I supposed to put those hyper-active idiots?)

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me eleven pipers piping, ten Lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (the police are on the doorstep waving noise complaints at me, sob, those idiotic Lords kept bounding around them, the moronic women have danced all through my vegetable patch, sob, the dairy maids have gone on strike, and I HATE those birds who poo on everything in sight!)

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten Lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree (that's it. We're through).

What Flavours make up Dr Pepper

Dr Pepper

Dr Pepper is an American-made carbonated beverage created in 1880’s by Charles Alderton in Waco Texas with a unique blend of 23 Flavors first served in 1885.  The 23 flavors/ingredients of the famous Dr. Pepper soda secret are:

    Amaretto
    Almond
    Blackberry
    Black Licorice
    Carrot
    Clove
    Cherry
    Caramel
    Cola
    Ginger
    Juniper
    Lemon
    Molasses
    Nutmeg
    Orange
    Prune
    Plum
    Pepper
    Root Beer
    Rum
    Raspberry
    Tomato
    Vanilla

Now you know! Dr Pepper is also The Wizard's favourite drink

Tuesday, December 21, 2021

Why You Shouldn't Take Kids to the Zoo

Why You Shouldn't Take Kids to the Zoo - Part 2

Maxine Strikes Again!

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself:

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Maxine: "No, they open!"


Maxine

ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

Zen1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.

2. A Day Without Sunshine is Like, Night.

3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers..

4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.

5. 42.7% Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.

6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.

7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.

8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.

9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.

10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.

11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.

12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.

13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.

14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.

15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.

16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.

17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.

18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!

19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.

20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!

21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing ACouple Of Payments.

22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-Kinesis? Raise My Hand.

23 . Ok.... So What's The Speed Of Dark?

24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?

25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked Something.

26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.

27. Hard Work May Pay Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.

28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.

29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?

31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.

32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?

33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.

34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I MadeYour Horn Louder.

35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?

36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What Happened.

37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off.

Monday, December 20, 2021

New Dog Breeds

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer 
Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute 
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Oh, never mind...

A Tale of Two Tugboats

TugboatTwo Mississippi tugboat captains, who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "Why do they do that?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of:

"An 'Aye' for an 'Aye' and a 'Toot' for a 'Toot'?"

Balloons Gone Wild!

        

BalloonsBalloonsBalloonsBalloonsBalloonsBalloonsBalloonsBalloonsBalloonsBalloons

The Wizard and facebook

 

facebook? No thanks!
Well it's been 3 weeks since The Wizard quit facebook cold turkey. Once I used to scroll endlessly through my feed, with scam ad after scam ad, so many there was almost one for every scroll. I am quite surprised that I don't miss it, at all. I used to post daily about things very personal and sometime I overshared. 

I'm not saying I will never go back on facebook, but I think taking this breather is the best thing for my mental health. I was hooked on facebook. It was the first thing I did in the morning and one of the last things I did at night. 

I am also concerned by the 10+ GB of information facebook has from me. I often wonder who they sell this information to? So Mr. Mark (META) Zuckerberg, no more!

So The Wizard is saying: facebook? No Thanks!

Sunday, December 19, 2021

Running Doe

Running Doe A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.  After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."
  
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
  
"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.
  
She said, "OK."
  
"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
  
She answered, "Approximately 500."
  
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
  
Running Doe replied, "We're called ...
  
(You know me, I hate to do this to you)
  
  
(I really do hate to do this to you; LIKE HELL!!!!!,  I love it!)

"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"

Christmas Traditions in Ukraine

 

 

Christmas season is here! In Ukraine Christmas is celebrated on January 7. The Christmas season ends on the feast of Jordan on January 19 and 20 with ceremonies that include a blessing of the water (or ice) of the rivers. Christmas in Ukraine is celebrated January 7 according to the Gregorian calendar as in most of other Orthodox Christian countries.

During the Soviet time it was not officially celebrated in Ukraine. Instead communist government tried to substitute Christmas with the holiday of New Year. But people did not forget their traditions. After gaining it’s independence in 1991 Ukraine started to celebrate Christmas officially as well.

There are numerous Christmas traditions here. They vary significantly at the different parts of Ukraine.

In most parts of Ukraine on the Christmas Eve people create so-called ‘Vertep’ (means cave in ancient Greek). These are scenes from Bible of Jesus birth. They show little Jesus in manger, Mary, strangers offering their gifts and Bethlehem star in the sky. Those verteps are exhibited at public places, usually near or inside churches. At night candles are installed inside verteps for people who come to church for the night service can observe them.

The Christmas Eve is called in Ukraine ‘Sviaty Vechir’ (Holy Evening) sometimes also called ‘Sviata Vecheria’ (Holy Supper). People usually cook some tasty foods for this evening. There should be at least 12 different foods on the table. Those should mandatory include ‘Kutia’ -- the ritual food which is prepared from cooked wheat and special syrup containing diluted honey, grated poppy seeds, raisins and sometimes walnuts.

For this evening people install and decorate Christmas trees in their houses. (Sometimes they are called also ‘Novorichna Jalynka’ -- New-Year’s firtree here). Another tradition exists in some regions of Western Ukraine to decorate the table with ‘Didukh’ -- a sheaf of oats or wheat of special shape: with four legs and numerous little bundles. It symbolizes prosperity for the next year.

St. Nicolas (Santa Claus) also called here ‘Did Moroz’ is an ubiquitous Christmas character and is supposed to bring some gifts under the Christmas tree this night.

Also in some regions people make decorated Christmas eggs very similar to Easter eggs -- ‘Pysanky’.

Halloween is not celebrated in Ukraine but some similar traditions are performed here for Christmas. Children this evening come around their neighbors with torches and sparclers (called here Bengal lights) spreading grains and colored seeds. They wish people good health and abundant harvest for the next year and ask for some donations. Also they perform some Christmas songs called in different parts of Ukraine ‘Koliadky’ or ‘Shchedrivky’ like these:

"Radujsia zemle, radujsia. Syn Bozhyj narodyvsia." -- Joy, Earth, Joy. The Son of God was born.

"Dobryj vechir, Sviaty vechir. Dobrym liudiam na zdorovja." -- Good evening, Holy evening. To good people for good health.

Next day in some villages in Western Ukraine people organize some folk performances which obviously were inspired by ancient pagan habits. They dress up themselves as monsters with pelts and horns and run through the village trying to scare people. After that they run to the special place on the outskirts of the village and there happens the main act: they fight with all people of the village and finally are defeated. The scarecrows are burned in the big fire. And all people are dancing around this fire. This symbolizes the fight of Good and Evil and that Good defeated Evil for the whole next year.

Why You Shouldn't Take Kids to the Zoo

 

Why You Shouldn't Take Kids to the Zoo - Part 3

Watch the birdie

***Possibly Not safe for work - Rated PG***


Click here.