Send this post to the people you'll never forget.

It is a short message to let them know that you will never forget them. If you don't send it to anyone, it means you are in a hurry and have forgotten your friends. Just click on the "email envelope" at the bottom of this post and paste that address in an email. Or share to Facebook or Twitter with one click

LIFE IS SHORT

DANCE NAKED and

WIGGLE YOUR BUTT.

True Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba , Canada


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester , MA


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered. Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR


I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI


And Finally . . .


A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name

*Thanks, Andy!

The Design of Everyday Things

 The human mind is exquisitely tailored to make sense of the world. Give it the slightest clue and off it goes, providing explanation, rationalization, understanding. … Well-designed objects are easy to interpret and understand. They contain visible clues to their operation. Poorly designed objects can be difficult or frustrating to use. They provide no clues–or sometimes false clues. They trap the user and thwart the normal process of interpretation and understanding. 

 --Donald Norman, The Design of Everyday Things

Baptizing a Newfoundlander

Valerie is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,when she comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. She proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks Valerie, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

Valerie answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs her and dunks her in the water. He pulls her up and asks the drunk,"Sister have you found Jesus?"

Valerie replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks her into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls her out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my sister?"

Valerie again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks Valerie in the water again ---but this time holds her down for about 30 seconds and when she begins kicking her arms and legs he pulls her up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

Valerie wipes her eyes and catches her breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Rednecks, Gotta love 'em

  

Inhale the good shit...

 

Words from Winston Churchill

 

Noah and PJ's First Dance at wedding, surprises guests

Wow!! Child like faith!!

This story was written by a doctor who worked in South Africa...

One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labour ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator).

We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates).

"And it is our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways.

"All right," I said, "put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts. Your job is to keep the baby warm."

The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle, and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died.

During prayer time, one ten-year old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God" she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon."

While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added, "And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for little girl so she'll know You really love her?"

As often with children's prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say, "Amen". I just did not believe that God could do this.

Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything, the Bible says so. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator!

Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there, on the veranda, was a large twenty-two pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the children.

Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly coloured, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas that would make a batch of buns for the weekend. Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the...could it really be? I grasped it and pulled it out - yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle. I cried.

I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly too!"

Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted!

Looking up at me, she asked: "Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?"

That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it "that afternoon".

Credit card fraud - IMPORTANT INFO

  

The scam works like this:

"This is Carl Patterson (any name) and I'm calling from the Security and Fraud department at VISA. My Badge number is 12460. Your card has been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify. This would be on your VISA card issued by 5/3 bank. Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for $497.99 from a marketing company based in Arizona?" 

When you say "No". The caller continues with, "Then we will be issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been watching and the charges range from $297 to $497, just under the $500 purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before your next statement, the credit will be sent to (gives you your address), is that correct?" 

You say, "Yes". The caller continues . . . "I will be starting a fraud investigation. If you have any questions, you should call the 800 number listed on your card 1-800-VISA and ask for Security. you will need to refer to this Control #". Then gives you a 6 digit number. "Do you need me to read it again?" Caller then says he "needs to verify you are in possession of your card. Turn the card over. There are 7 numbers; first 4 are 1234 (whatever) the next 3 are the security numbers that verify you are in possession of the card. These are the numbers you use to make internet purchases to prove you have the card. Read me the 3 numbers." Then he says "That is correct. I just needed to verify that the card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still have your card. Do you have any other questions? Don't hesitate to call back if you do." 

You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell you the card number. But after we were called on Wednesday, we called back within 20 minutes to ask a question. Are we glad we did! The REAL VISA security dept. told us it was a scam and in the last 15 minutes a new purchase of $497.99 WAS put on our card. 

Long story made short . . . we made a real fraud report and closed the VISA card and they are reissuing as a new number. What the scam wants is the 3 digit number and that once the charge goes through, they keep charging every few days. By the time you get your statement, you think the credit is coming, and then its harder to actually file a fraud report. The real VISA reinforced that they will never ask for anything on the card (they already know). 

What makes this more remarkable is that on Thursday, I got a call from "Jason Richardson of MasterCard" with a word for word repeat of the VISA Scam. This time I didn't let him finish. I hung up. 

We filed a police report (as instructed by VISA), and they said they are taking several of these reports daily and to tell friends, relatives and coworkers. 

*For further info, visit Urban Legends Reference Pages 

Witch Power

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and go out to have a last night on the town. 

After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. 

Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. They won't even know the difference." 

The manager does as he is told; the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. 

As they are walking home the first geezer says, "You know, I think my girl was dead." Dead?" says his friend, "Why would you say that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." 

His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." 

"A witch? Why on earth would you say that?" 

"Well, when I was making love to her, I kissed her on the neck and gave her a little bite. Then she farted and flew out the window."

R.I.P. Biz Markie (1964 - 2021)

Biz Markie, 'Clown Prince of Hip-Hop' known for 'Just a Friend' 

Biz Markie, a hip-hop staple known for his beatboxing prowess, turntable mastery and the 1989 classic "Just a Friend," has died. He was 57.

Markie's representative, Jenni Izumi, said the rapper-DJ died peacefully Friday evening with his wife by his side. The cause of death has not been released.

WELL????

 

Philosophy of housecleaning

I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.) 

I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. 

I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own. 

I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous 

I don't pull weeds in the garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, HE is an excellent designer! 

I don't put things away because ... My husband will never be able to find them again. 

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner. 

I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press" 

I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

REMEMBER . . . . 

Kitten Thinks Of Nothing But Murder All Day

 

The Thing - Phil Harris

Video version of The Thing by Phil Harris. It went to #1 on December 2, 1950 on the Billboard Top 100 and stayed on top for two weeks.

Wired too much? 8 Sure Signs That You Are

  

1. YOU PUT A BLUETOOTH HEADSET IN YOUR MOTORCYCLE HELMET 

2. YOUR CELLPHONE IS YOUR MOST IMPORTANT BATHROOM ACCESSORY 

3. YOU PREFER YOUR CELLPHONE OVER TOM CRUISE 

4. YOU BELIEVE YOUR RIGHT TO A CELLPHONE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN A RIGHT TO A FAIR TRIAL 

5. YOU BELIEVE YOUR RIGHT TO YAK IN PUBLIC IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN PUBLIC SAFETY 

6. YOU LIVEBLOG A HOSPITAL PROCEDURE 

7. YOU SUFFER FROM A WORK-INDUCED TECH ADDICTION 

8. YOU INTERRUPT SEX TO ANSWER YOUR CELLPHONE

Coming Out

 

Click Above For The PDF Pamphlet.

Makes Ya Think?

Painted ceiling of a smoking area

Riddle Me This!

With pointed fangs it sits in wait, With piercing force its doles out fate, Over bloodless victims proclaiming its might, Eternally joining in a single bite. 

What am I?

 

Click above for the answer.