You can't read this and stay in a bad mood !

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
--Unique Up On It.


2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
--Tame Way, Unique Up On It.


3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
--They Take The Psycho Path


4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
--You Boil The Hell Out Of It.


5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
--Dam!


6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
--Polaroid's


7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
--A Stick


8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
--Nacho Cheese.


9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
--Subordinate Clauses.


10.What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
--Quattro Sinko..


11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
--Spoiled Milk.


12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
--Frostbite.


13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
--A Nervous Wreck.


14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
--Anyone Can Roast Beef.


15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
--Right Where You Left Him.


16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
--Because They Have Big Fingers.


17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
--Because It Scares The Dog.


18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
--Sanka.


19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
--The Location Of The Dirt Bag.


20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
--Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.


21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
--A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
--A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.


22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
--Either way, Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer


Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.

You Know You're Old When...

The old man, boy, and the donkey

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people

Who remarked it was a shame the old man

Was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,

So they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,

'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'

So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought

They were stupid to walk when they had a

Decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people

Who shamed them by saying how awful to

Put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right,

So they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge,

They lost their grip on the anim al

And he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone,

You might as well kiss your ass goodbye!

Have A Nice Day And Be Careful With Your Donkey.

Johnny Depp - Amazing man!

Totally messed up vision!

Painted Ceiling of The Louvre

click to see a full sized picture

Seven Truths for Bosses

by Michael Josephson, whatwillmatter.com
It’s not what you say that matters; it’s what people hear. Just because you said it doesn’t mean they heard it. Just because you wrote it doesn’t mean they read it. Be sure your message is received and understood.

There are lots of things you don’t know and lots of people who hope you don’t find out. The boss rarely hears the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. You’ve got to walk around, look around, listen, and ask direct questions.

Hire for character, train for skills. Integrity, responsibility, and the ability to work with others are vital competencies. You’ve got to screen out or weed out people you can’t believe or rely on or who are toxic to the team.

Settling for warm bodies turns one problem into two. You still have to get someone who’s right for the job, but first you have to deal with and remove the wrong person. If you can’t find the time to do it right, when will you find the time to do it over?

What you allow, you encourage. If you don’t enforce your values and rules, they’re not your values and they’re not rules.

Doing nothing is doing something. Indecision and inaction cause as much harm as poor decisions. Indecisiveness is incompetence.

It’s all about relationships. Your most important job is to get the most out of the people who work with you. You’ve got to be ready to be a boss, motivator, mentor, counselor, disciplinarian, or friend.

Powerless? I beg to differ!

Chinese man grows his own chairs

A Chinese man has patented his technique for growing his own wooden chairs.

Mr Wu, from Shenyang City, Liaoning province, moulds branches into shape while the tree is still growing.

He uses elm trees which are pliant and do not break easily, reports the China Morning Business View.

Mr Wu, who's in his 60s, says it takes him about five years to grow a tree chair, from saplings to the finished article.

As the 'chair' grows, he constantly trims and guides it into shape before the chair is finally harvested.

Mr Wu has one tree chair in his home, which he harvested last September, and six more growing in his field.

He hopes that one day people will be able to grow all of their furniture instead of having to buy it from a store.

Rest Your Mind...

Just Saying !!

Amish Elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your Mother'

What a museum did to attract people!

The Rijksmuseum in Holland had an idea: Let's bring the art to the people and then, hopefully, they will come to see more - at the museum.They took a painting of Rembrandt from 1642, Guards of the Night and brought to life the characters in it, placed them in a busy mall and the rest .....

The Cowboy and the Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Revenue Canada Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an CCRA auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Drive-Thru Confessional

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that.

But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.

Fred. Just Fred.

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. "Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

The other biker, Fred

The Love Doctor

Dear Love Doctor,

I’m afraid my partner and I don’t have enough sex. It seems we would both rather sit holding hands while watching tv! Sometimes he is randy when I am not and vice-versa. We have sex less than once a month. I’m not sure we even miss it. We’ve been together for nigh on 15 years, and our sexcapades have dwindled to almost non-existant. Is that normal or should I be worried?

Signed,

No sex please

Dear Sex,

After 15 years you and your partner have settled into a routine. How much sex is too little? How much sex is too much? How much sex is normal? I ask you these questions:

1. Do you and your partner love each other?
2. Do you spend a lot of time together?
3. Do you avoid each other?
4. Are you in a rut?
5. Are you happy?
6. Are you happy?
7. Are you happy?
8. Are you happy?
9. Are you happy?
10. Are you happy??

The answers to these and other questions you may ask each other will determine if you are having ‘enough’ sex. Do you feel that your partner is trying to put the kibosh on making love? Are you? Do you or your partner feel cheated out of sex? You don’t give your ages , but if you are a bit older, say 55 plus it is perfectly ‘normal’ to have a lower sex drive – companionship becomes more important. So think about it. ‘Normal’ isn’t for everybody! If you are happy then I wouldn’t worry about it. There is far more to life and love than sex.


Hope this helps,

The Love Doctor

--Send your questions about love to "The Love Doctor" directly from 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow! I have added an email link that goes direct to The Love Doctor - this will enable quicker responses from him. You can do this by clicking on his picture in the sidebar and put your question in the email. This will ensure that The Love Doctor gets your question. The Love Doctor forwards his replies to me for posting consideration. Note: Due to the high volume of letters that The Love Doctor receives, not all letters will be posted on 'OZ' - but the Love Doctor will reply to every email. (so he says)