10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Koala and the Lizard

A different perspective

A koala was sitting in a gum tree... smoking a joint



when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala!
What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'



So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard
and helped him to the side.
Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'


The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.



The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'



So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink???

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in
the bushes behind him.
He turned to look.
He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.



He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.



At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:



'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Gay Children Need Your Love More Than Ever Before

from The Huffington Post
by Max DuBowy
Best-selling author & self-acceptance expert at www.YourSuccessLaunch.com

If the Orlando shooting happened when I was still in the closet, I’d be scared to come out because I’d think I could be the victim of a gay hate crime.

My biggest fear of coming out was getting bullied and harassed by peers and other homophobic people.

I was lucky enough to be raised by accepting parents but I know that’s not the case for everyone.

If you suspect your child is gay, it’s never been more important to nurture and love them more than you’ve ever loved them before.

Right now they’re scared, shameful, and fearful. They have legitimate reasons to be so.

There are still homophobic nut-cases who could beat them up at school or put them in emotionally harmful situations.

When I was a senior in high school, another teenager hacked into my Facebook account to change my orientation status to gay. I wasn’t out yet and this experience tore me to pieces inside. I had to explain to everyone that I was straight and I cried myself to sleep several nights in a row after the incident.

People are still cruel and will do crazy, obnoxious things to hurt those of us who are gay.

Regardless of whether or not your child is out, you need to love them more than ever before because there are still hostile people who hate gay people.

What should you do to love your children more than every before?

Give your child a hug.

Tell them he is special, talented, unique, and loved.

Explain how you accept your child no matter what.

Go over and beyond to help him love and accept himself.

Find the humor in being gay, but not in a way that’s demoralizing.

Show your child that you care about him because you never know what could happen the next time he ends up the target of a hate crime.

Max DuBowy is a best-selling author and writer for the Huffington Post where he teaches families and gay men how to break free from stress and anxiety. Are you ready to love yourself unconditionally, make friends, and be confident? INSTANTLY DOWNLOAD HIS FREE SELF ACCEPTANCE CHECKLIST RIGHT HERE.

Follow Max DuBowy on Twitter: www.twitter.com/maxdubowy

The Sun Has A Technicolour Yawn...

FATHERS & FATHERHOOD: Greatest Quotations on Fathers and Fatherhood compiled by by Michael Josephson

click above to read the quotes!

from WhatWillMatter.com

This Day in Gay History

1850 – Horatio Kitchener, the 1st Earl Kitchener of Khartoum and British field marshal was born on this date (d.1916). Brits howled in outrage at the publication of Douglas Plummer's Queer People, a general history of homosexuality that sought to prove to the English people that Gayness was not limited to Oscar Wilde and a few assorted French couturiers. The book named names, among them, Kitchener, one of the great heroes of English Imperialism.

The proponents of the case point to Kitchener's friend Captain Oswald Fitzgerald, his "constant and inseparable companion," whom he appointed his aide-de-camp. They remained close until they met a common death on their voyage to Russia. From his time in Egypt in 1892, he gathered around him a cadre of eager young and unmarried officers nicknamed "Kitchener's band of boys." He also avoided interviews with women, took a great deal of interest in the Boy Scout movement, and decorated his rose garden with four pairs of sculptured bronze boys. According to one biographer, "there is no evidence that he ever loved a woman."

A contemporary journalist remarked that Kitchener "has the failing acquired by most of the Egyptian officers, a taste for buggery". J. B. Priestley noted in his book on "The Edwardians" that one of Lord Kitchener's personal interests in life included planning and decorating his residences. He was also known to collect delicate china with a passion (such allusions to an 'artistic temperament' were a common code for implying homosexuality at that time).

--more at This Day In Gay History,  based on: The White Crane Institute's 'Gay Wisdom', Gay Birthdays, Gay For Today, Famous GLBT, glbt-Gay Encylopedia, Today in Gay History, Wikipedia, and more …

Physicists probe urination 'splashback' problem

from BBCNews.com

Does your man leave urine on the seat of the toilet? It may not be their fault...

The researchers hope their work will improve toilet hygiene and bring harmony to family bathrooms

US physicists have studied the fluid dynamics of urine "splashback" - and found tips to help men and women with their accuracy and hygiene.

Using high-speed cameras, the team filmed jets of liquid striking toilet walls and studied the resulting spray. Splashback was low when the jets were used close up with a narrow "angle of attack", said the Brigham Young University team. They will present their research at an American Physical Society meeting. "In response to harsh and repeated criticisms from our mothers and several failed relationships with women, we present the splash dynamics of a simulated human male urine stream," reads their conference abstract.

But there is a more serious side to the research.

The work is led by Prof Tadd Truscott and Randy Hurd of the "Splash Lab" at Brigham Young in Provo, Utah, who jokingly refer to themselves as "wizz kids". "People ask me, are you serious? I tell them yes, this may involve 12-year-old humour, but it's also a real problem," Prof Truscott told BBC News. "We've all been in disgusting toilets with puddles on the floor - these places are a breeding ground for bacteria." For example, the detergents used to clean hospital toilets could actually increase the spray of disease-causing bacteria, by reducing the surface tension of water, according to a recent study

One might think the physics of aiming urination had already been summarised by the formula: "get it all in the bowl". But micturation is still a messier business than it needs to be, according to the research. Taking measurements live "in the field" did not appeal to the scientists, so the duo built a urination simulator. The "Water Angle Navigation Guide" is a five-gallon bucket with hoses connected to two types of synthetic urethra.

Chaotic spray
The team fired coloured water at various target "toilets" at the velocity and pressure of average human urination.
Then, using a high-speed camera, they captured the moment of impact in remarkable visual detail.

Urination simulator

The apparatus was carefully designed to simulate male urination

Splashback was heightened by a phenomenon known as Plateau-Rayleigh instability, where a falling stream of liquid breaks up into droplets. "The male urine stream breaks up about 6-7 inches outside the urethra exit," Mr Hurd explained. "So by the time it hits the urinal, it's already in droplet form. And these droplets are the perpetrators of the splash formation on your khaki pants."
His advice? "The closer you are, the better. If you can get stream impact with the porcelain, it's a lot less chaotic." Of course, in a domestic bathroom, distance from the toilet is governed chiefly by one variable: "to stand or sit". "People are always arguing over which is better. Because when you sit close, you're also closer to getting wet," said Prof Truscott.
"In Germany there is a derogatory term 'sitzpinkler' for a man who sits down to pee. It means he's kind of a wuss.

"So we wanted to look at whether sitting down is really effective. What are the splash differences?" To compare the two positions, the scientists gave rulers to their friends and sent them into the toilet. "It turns out you are five times as far away when you stand up - and that's a pretty significant difference in impact velocity for those droplets of urine," said Mr Hurd.
Impact with the toilet water is captured in a video by the team. "You can see the droplets create a large cavity in the water, which then collapses, causing even greater splashback. The amount of splash is considerable," Mr Hurd explained. "It seems that sitting down is the best sure-fire way to avoid unwanted splashing in a traditional toilet."

Angle of attack
Above all, he says, "the biggest thing you can do" to reduce splashback - sitting or standing - is to alter the "angle of attack". Aiming directly at a vertical urinal wall - a 90 degree angle - causes a nasty kickback, as does aiming directly at the toilet water.
"Narrowing the angle really helps," said Mr Hurd. For a typical urinal, "best practice" means standing slightly to one side, and aiming downwards at a low angle of impact.

Simulated urine stream

The angle of impact and smoothness of the stream dictate the level of spray

"This way you take advantage of both splash-reduction techniques," Hurd explains. Prof Truscott encourages men and women to "be artistic" with their aim and find an angle to suit the particular facility they are faced with. The designs of public toilets and home bathrooms does not always help us achieve 100% efficiency, he said. "Most surfaces you pee into, such as porcelain, are hydrophilic, which is a disadvantage. The water spreads across them, creating a puddle to splash into," said Mr Hurd. He believes that hydrophobic coatings will ultimately make toilets more hygienic, with important benefits for hospitals, schools, and workplaces. The Brigham-Young team has been "inundated" with commercial products to reduce spray - such as fabric inserts, urinals with triangular fins, and toilet bowls with unusually sloping angles. "Some work fantastically - others really don't work at all. It's almost worse than nothing," says Truscott. "My favourite is painting a fly on the wall to indicate where you should aim. Unfortunately, some companies put that fly in the wrong place."

Sega has even developed a "Toylet" urinal game, installed in Tokyo Metro stations to award men points for accuracy. But Prof Truscott says one of the most effective tricks is also the simplest - drop a few pieces of tissue into a toilet bowl to soften the blow. The Splash Lab team plans to investigate further toilet designs and find "the optimal approach for urinal usage", removing some of the obstacles between men, women and bathroom harmony.

World's Largest NERF Gun

#Brexit: Britain Votes To Leaves EU, PM David Cameron To Step Down

from HipHopWired.com

Britain, at one point one of the world’s Superpower countries, took a historic vote to break away from the multi-state European Union. The decision has sent ripples through global stock markets and could have a major impact on the West.

The state is the first of the 28 other states to leave the European Union. Prime Minister David Cameron quickly announced after the Thursday’s final votes that he will be stepping down after leading a campaign to stay within EU’s economic bloc.

Cameron’s exit came to a shock to the United Kingdom and set off a tailspin of lowering stock prices and the value of the British pound taking a hit. The margin of victory in the Brexit vote was slim, with 52 percent voting in favor to leave and 48 percent electing to stay within the bloc.

The BBC reports:

The PM had urged the country to vote Remain but was defeated by 52% to 48% despite London, Scotland and Northern Ireland backing staying in. 

UKIP leader Nigel Farage hailed it as the UK’s “independence day”, while Boris Johnson said the result would not mean “pulling up the drawbridge”.

Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon said she was “absolutely determined” to keep Scotland in the EU so a second Scottish independence referendum was now “highly likely”.

German chancellor Angela Merkel expressed “great regret” at the outcome, and EU chiefs said they expected the UK to begin negotiations to leave “as soon as possible, however painful that process may be”.

But Boris Johnson, the ex-London mayor and public face of Vote Leave who is now a frontrunner to be next prime minister, said there was “no need for haste” about severing the UK’s ties.

He said voters had “searched in their hearts” and the UK now had a “glorious opportunity” to pass its own laws, set its own taxes and control its own borders.”

Britain, at one point one of the world’s Superpower countries, took a historic vote to break away from the multi-state European Union. The decision has sent ripples through global stock markets and could have a major impact on the West.

The state is the first of the 28 other states to leave the European Union. Prime Minister David Cameron quickly announced after the Thursday’s final votes that he will be stepping down after leading a campaign to stay within EU’s economic bloc.

Cameron’s exit came to a shock to the United Kingdom and set off a tailspin of lowering stock prices and the value of the British pound taking a hit. The margin of victory in the Brexit vote was slim, with 52 percent voting in favor to leave and 48 percent electing to stay within the bloc.Johnson’s statement on border control is what some experts say is also at the root of the success of the Leave campaign. Some older, conservative voters in Britain were opponents of immigration and the EU wholly embraced the practice. There is also some chatter that voters wanted the state to have a higher economic stature within the EU.

What impact the decision has on Britain has yet to be determined, but the effects will be felt for some time yet.

—
Photo: Hugo Gloss/Instagram

Have Bucket List, Will Travel

CAFÉ TORTONI
BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA

Founded in 1858, with bronze fixtures, stained-glass windows, a polished-wood bar, and a rich patina of history, Café Tortoni is a favorite of locals and tourists alike. Come for a cappuccino and stay for the small tango show in the café's intimate back room.

Who remembers?

Ever wonder . . .

I wonder why I chose this photo? (Dragonball Z real life)

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Days of laughter

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that

her daughter was having sex...

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the

family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug

her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.

Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her

92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw,

he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY

Tom, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Tom's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Tom, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'Tom replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Tom replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Tom smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

An alarm clock that should never be built

Posted by Mike Yamamoto

(Credit: SlashGear)

Crave has seen all manner of sadistic alarm clocks, from models that emit sonic booms and electrical shocks to those that fly and roll away. But the appropriately named "Tyrant" from Taiwanese designer Alice Wang takes sleep disruption to a disturbing new level.

If you don't turn it off, this little monster will randomly dial numbers programmed in your mobile phone every three minutes, according to SlashGear. That's right--not calls to yourself, but to others who surely won't be amused. Mercifully, this is only a concept so far (we hope).

*CRAVE - The Gadget Blog (C-NET)

Airport: An Animated Film

The film is made up of entirely "those people signs" in an airport.

Click here to watch

A film by Iain Anderson, as shown in Oz Digital Shorts in the Sydney Film Festival 2005

St. Barbie

-oil on canvas by Mark Ryden. (Mark Ryden was born on January 20, 1963 in Medford, Oregon, but grew up in Southern California. He received a B.F.A. in 1987 from Art Center College of Design in Pasadena, California.)

Mark's paintings instantly trigger a warped deja vu. His work recalls a parallel universe of 1950s Golden Books and the whimsy of Lewis Carroll. His cheery bunnies, rendered in the glowing hues of children’s books, are likely to be carving slabs of meat rather than frolicking in the forest. Ryden’s work mingles superb technique with outre images to create a world of strange and disturbing beauty. “At once intriguing and unsettling, baffling and enchanting, [Ryden’s] works ... are subtle amalgams of many sources and influences as wide-ranging as Psychedelic and Vienna School artists Neon Park and Ernst Fuchs, to classical French formalists Ingres and David.” --Rick Gilbert-Panik

Dead or Alive?

Remember all those famous or infamous people you wonder about?

Are they still around somewhere or have they gone to their final reward?

Find out on the link below!

http://www.deadoraliveinfo.com/dead.nsf/pages-nf/main

Adam and Eve

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the snow, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."

"What's it called? Eve asked.

"Brains" God said.