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Saturday, November 24, 2012

Jesse's Story

A DREAMER AND HIS DREAM

Let me tell you, Jesse hated this job. And you would too, I imagine, if you had to do it. Jesse was a chicken plucker. That's right.

He stood on a line in a chicken factory and spent his days Pulling the feathers off dead chickens so the rest of us wouldn't have to.

It wasn't much of a job. But at the time, Jesse didn't think he was much of a person. His father was a brute of a man. His dad was actually thought to be mentally ill and treated Jesse rough all of his life.

Jesse's older brother wasn't much better. He was always picking on Jesse and beating him up. Yes, Jesse grew up in a very rough home in West Virginia. Life was anything but easy. He thought life didn't hold much hope for him. That's why he was standing in this chicken line, doing a job that darn few people wanted.

In addition to all the rough treatment at home, it seems That Jesse was always sick. Sometimes it was real Physical illness, but way too often it was all in his head.
He was a small child, skinny and meek. That sure didn't help the situation any.

When he started to school, he was the object of every Bully on the playground.

He was a hypochondriac of the first order. For Jesse, tomorrow was not always something to be looked forward to.

But, he had dreams. He wanted to be a ventriloquist. He found books on ventriloquism. He practiced with sock puppets and saved his hard earned dollars until He could get a real ventriloquist dummy.

When he got old enough, he joined the military. Even though many of his hypochondriac symptoms persisted, the military did recognize his talents and put him in the entertainment corps. That was when his world changed. He gained confidence.

He found that he had a talent for making people laugh, and laugh so hard they often had tears in their eyes. Yes, little Jesse had found himself.

You know, folks, the history books are full of people who overcame a handicap to go on and make a success of themselves, but Jesse is one of the few I know of who didn't overcome it.

Instead he used his paranoia to make a million dollars, and become one of the best-loved characters of all time in doing it!

Yes, that little paranoid hypochondriac, who transferred his nervousness into a successful career, still holds the record for the most Emmy's given in a single category.

The wonderful, gifted, talented, and nervous comedian who brought us Barney Fife...

Jesse Don Knotts


He was Jesse Don Knotts.


NOW YOU KNOW, "THE REST OF THE STORY"

There is a street named for him and his statue in Morgantown, West Virginia, his place of birth.

Give me the beat boys!

Beat Boy Baby

Friday, November 23, 2012

Trouble With My Teacher

Cowboy Kid


My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

One day, in the Australian Outback...

Last summer I took a guided tour through the Australian outback. On the 4th day during our lunch brake I saw a kangaroo. Being intrigued I tried to get a bit closer to it. It finished eating and began to hop away. I looked back at the truck and began to follow it.

I followed it a ways. I realized how far from the truck I was and began to worry a bit, but this experience was far too cool to pass up, a real kangaroo standing right there. I wouldn't miss this for the world. I decided to get a bit closer to it.

I started creeping towards it, ever so slowly. It didn't notice me. Soon I was but 10 feet from it. Still feeling a bit uncomfortable about leaving the truck way back, I just let go. I was going to live wildly. In for a penny, in for a pound I figured and got closer. 5 feet. 3 feet. 2 feet. I reached out to touch it. Feel its fur. It turned its head. It saw me. We stared into each others eyes. It was a stare down. It turned towards me with its whole body. I saw in it's pouch a joey. This was about when I realized I'd made a big fucking mistake. It reared up onto its tail and extended its legs. I heard a cracking sound and saw stars. Then everything went black.

When I woke up the kangaroo was gone. I had a throbbing headache. I tried sitting up. My sides seared up in pain. I now know that my rib cage had been fractured in 3 places.

I yelled out, causing my ribs to flare up in pain again. No response. I yelled out two more times, but not once did I hear a reply. My sides hurt too much to yell again. I decided the best action to take at this point was to crawl back to the truck, following my footprints. After a while I came to some thick bushes where I lost my footprints. I decided to crawl in the direction I'd remembered the truck being. I never found it. After a few hours, deciding I wasn't going to find the truck, I began looking for a road or town. After a few hours I still hadn't found anything. I was thirsty. Really thirsty. I was sweating to the point that the ground where my hands and knees were was dark brown with sweat.

I never found anything that day. At nightfall I was hungry, thirsty and tired. I couldn't keep going. I lay down in a ditch and fell asleep.

I woke up to the sunrise is my eyes reflecting off a bit of shiny rock. My head was hurting even worse now. My thought was incredibly dry, my tongue swollen. I was dizzy and my heart was beating fast and irregularly. The only thing to do was continue crawling. The going was hard. I was fainting periodically only to be woken up by the sensation of falling or hitting my jaw on a rock.

A few hours later, knees and chin bloody and stinging, I found a road. A sudden burst of hope, but I wasn't there yet. I crawled along the road for probably another hour, I'm not sure, after a while time stopped having meaning to me. I though I saw something in the distance, a town maybe?

I crawled towards it. It took a long long time. By the time I got to the town the sun was setting. There was a sign. In the day's last light I read off it: "Mercy; pop: 27" A small town, maybe the end of my journey. Mercy, yes, truly the world showed mercy at last. I crawled into the town. The closest building was a tea house. In my delirious state I didn't even bother questioning what a small town like mercy had a tea house for.

I crawled in and hoisted myself with great effort up onto a bar stool. I looked at the man who ran it and croaked "Water."

The man looked at me and said "I'm sorry, sir, but we only serve tea here."

"Then get me tea."

"What kind"

"I don't care, just get my some."

The man left a few minutes and came back with a kettle and a saucer. He poured a bit of tea into the cup. Beaming at me he said "Koala tea. It's our town of Mercy's specialty."

I looked at it. There was still koala fur floating in the top of it. I tried to drink it. The fur wadded up in my throat, gagging me. I retched. I looked at the man. I'm sorry sir, Mercy's tea is great, but I can't drink it with all this fur in it. Could you get me a sieve to filter it out?"

The man looked at me sternly and said. "I'm sorry; The Koala tea of Mercy is not strained."
*Thanks, Gary

Hours to stop the gay death penalty


David Kato, murdered Ugandan gay rights activist
David Kato, murdered Ugandan gay rights activist












The Ugandan Parliament is set to pass a brutal law that could carry the death penalty for homosexuality. If they do,
 thousands of Ugandans could face execution -- just for being gay.

We've helped stop this bill before, and we can do it again. After a massive global outcry last year, Ugandan President Museveni blocked the bill's progress. But political unrest is mounting in Uganda, and religious extremists in Parliament are hoping confusion and violence in the streets will distract the international community from a second push to pass this hate-filled law. We can show them that the world is still watching.

We have no time to lose. Let’s get one million voices against Uganda's gay death penalty in the next 24 hours -- we'll deliver it to Uganda's leaders and key countries. Click here to take action, then forward this email to everyone:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/uganda_stop_gay_death_law

Being gay in Uganda is already dangerous and terrifying. LGBT Ugandans are regularly harassed and beaten, and just last year gay rights activist David Kato (pictured above) was brutally murdered in his own home. Now they are threatened by this draconian law which could impose life imprisonment for people convicted of same-sex relations, and the death penalty for “serial offenders”. Even NGOs working to prevent the spread of HIV can be imprisoned for “promoting homosexuality” under this hate-filled law. 

Right now, Uganda is in political turmoil -- missing millions of aid money has embroiled the Parliament in scandal. This upheaval has provided religious extremists in Parliament the perfect chance to slip in the shelved anti-gay bill, calling it a "Christmas gift" to Ugandans.

President Museveni backed away from this bill before, after international pressure threatened Uganda's support. Let's build a million strong petition to stop the gay death penalty bill again, and save lives. We only have hours -- sign below, then tell friends and family:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/uganda_stop_gay_death_law

Last time, our international petition condemning the gay death penalty law was delivered to Parliament – spurring a global news story and enough pressure to block the bill for months. When a tabloid newspaper published 100 names, pictures and addresses, of suspected gays and those identified were threatened, Avaaz supported a legal case against the paper and we won! Together we have stood up, time and time again, for Uganda’s gay community -- now they need us more than ever.

With hope and determination, 

Emma, Iain, Alice, Luis, Ricken, Joseph, Michelle and the whole Avaaz team


MORE INFORMATION 

Ugandan lawmakers hold hearings on anti-gay bill (AP)
http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/breakingnews/world/view/20110510-335659/Ugandan-lawmakers-hold-hearings-on-anti-gay-bill

Uganda gay activist Kasha Jacqueline Nabagesera hailed (BBC)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-13278374

Pulling Out All the Stops to Push an Antigay Bill (New York Times)
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/14/world/africa/14uganda.html

Uganda’s Anti-Homosexuality Bill: Anyone Can Be “Liable To Suffer Death" (Box Turtle Bulletin)
http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/2012/11/16/51026

Ugandan Speaker Wants 'Kill the Gays' Bill Passed by Tuesday (Towleroad)
http://www.towleroad.com/2012/11/ugandan-speaker-wants-kill-the-gays-bill-passed-by-tuesday.html

Order paper Tuesday 20th November 2012 (Parliament of Uganda)
http://www.scribd.com/doc/114102346/PARLIAMENT-OF-UGANDA-Order-paper-Tuesday-20th-November-2012

See what happens when you sleep around!

Zee Pony
See what happens when you sleep around !

Thursday, November 22, 2012

The Testicle festival



all men watching this, bet your nuts just retracted!

Countdown to Christmas



Can't Wait?

How long 'til Christmas?




You can click above to find out. ...But who's counting?

Be sure to bookmark that page it keeps you up to date every day!

Bubba Had Shingles

BubbaThose of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Love Story

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years. Clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names."
          
2 old ladies


The elderly lady hung her head, "I have to tell you the truth," she said, "his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is!"



Good old Brit

The train was crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.


Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

To OWLS (Older Wiser Laughing Souls)

Wisdom from Grandpa

Wisdom from Grandpa...

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.


Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt he forgets his sugar.


Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.


When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she'll never turn into an old nag.


On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.


A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine's gonna work."


Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders.


Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.


Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.


How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?


Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.



Have a GREAT day and keep laughing!
It's good for the soul.

And remember my motto:

pay the undertaker with a bad check...

Awesomely Awkward Pet Photos


Click above to go to Pinterest

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

M*A*S*H Trivia

Click here for MASH Trivia

Click above

Say Again?

Open - Closed

Applying Logic Models to real life

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."

Stress Management

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked,"How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.

It depends on how long you try to hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.

If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.

In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management.

If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "

As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.

When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."

So, my friend, why not take a while to just simply RELAX. Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while. Life is short. Enjoy it!

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it

* Never buy a car you can't push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons...Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have a good day!!

Monday, November 19, 2012

This is AWESOME!

This photo is a very rare one, taken by NASA. This kind of event occurs once in 3000 years.


This is a picture NASA took with the hubble telescope. It si called "The Eye of God".

"FISHING" WITH A HAND-GRENADE...

A Good idea at the time maybe!


DUH...I Guess they didn't have the Hand-Grenade Operator's Manual handy.

But... my guess would be that...perhaps you're supposed to heave the Grenade a little further out...Ya' Think...?

The Useless Web

If you find yourself in need of some diversion or a way to change your focus for a bit, try the link below. When it comes up, just click on the “Please” and find yourself magically transported to a useless web site that may be entertaining.

Click here.

*Thanks Gary