On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare.
Eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy named Jack from Carmichael Saskatchewan stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.
One button at a time.
No one moves.
He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps...
He whispers . . .
"Iron this -- and then get me a beer."
Welcome to 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow!! Posting is at 10AM, Noon and 2PM CST daily. Up to 12 days of posts on the main page. The archives have more. You can forward posts by clicking on the envelope at the bottom of the post. Enjoy your stay! *** If you need to contact me, or have a copyright issue, please use the "Contact The Wizard" form on the left side of 'OZ'. Original source and author is cited and credited in each post where possible. ***
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The Flight
Three Women
(Sorry about the caps!)
THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY --WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!"
"Oh I wish I was Oscar Meyer's weiner, that is what 'd truly like to be..."
For the record:
OSCAR MAYER WEINER SONG
Oh I wish I were an Os-car Mayer Wie - ner
That is what I'd tru-ly like to be
'cause if I were an Os-car May-er Wie - ner
Ev-ery one would be in love with me.
Mike - The Headless Chicken
The Amazing, true story of this famous fowl dates back to September 10, 1945 when Mike, a young Wyandotte rooster, was about to become the dinner of Fruita, Colorado, farmer Lloyd Olsen.
With a sharp ax in hand, Mr. Olsen firmly held Mike, preparing to make the bird ready for his wife Clara's cooking pot. Mr. Olsen swung the implement, thereby lopping off poor Mike's head. Mike shook off the event, then continued trying to peck for food.
Mike's will to live remains an inspiration. It is a great comfort to know you can live a normal life, even after you have lost your mind.
Not grossed out yet? Then click above
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I am in LOVE - I'll admit it, for you alone
I'll admit it, for you alone
I ate the last piece of Kelly's cake
I am truly sorry
I know you "j'adore" the stuff
...
Wait, no
That's not what I was planning on saying
I meant to say
Ring
One second
...
Kelly called
She said she's making another cake
Just for you
...
You really do have girls falling all over you
I wish that was my case, too
...
No, that's a lie
I don't want heels and perfume
I want bark-colored, wavy hair
I want burnt-coffee eyes
I want cologne that smells of mint
Because they all remind me of you
...
I want you
...
I love you
...
I wanted to tell you that
...
But you're not my mirror
Organization of the workplace
Never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly.
When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads;
When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes...
*Thanks, Dwight
Useful little word!
Useful little two lettered word..bet you never gave this a second thought, I know I didnt realize this little word had so many different meanings.
Think about it.
UP
Read until the end.....you'll laugh....
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now.......
My time is UP !
Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U
P !
Did that one crack you UP?
Don't screw UP. Send this post on to everyone you look UP in your address book.. or not...it's UP to you.
Now I'll shut UP
*Thanks, Dwight
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
GLAAD responds to Ron Howard's gay joke defense
Herndon Graddick - GLAAD's Deputy Director of Media Programs
(This post was originally published at GLAAD Blog)
Leading entertainment industry columnist Patrick Goldstein published the following on November 8, 2010 on the Los Angeles Times’ Big Picture blog. View the original post at the L.A. Times.
GLAAD responds to Ron Howard’s gay joke defense
By Patrick Goldstein
If you’ve been reading this blog in recent weeks, you know that there’s been a lot 
of heated debate over whether it is perfectly appropriate or patently offensive for Vince Vaughn, the star of Ron Howard’s upcoming fim “The Dilemma,” to joke that an electric car is “gay.” Universal Pictures, who bankrolled the picture pulled the joke from its trailer after getting criticized in many quarters, starting with CNN’s Anderson Cooper. But Howard made news again a week ago by writing to me to say that the joke will stay in the film.
Howard defended the joke, reminding people that just because a character in a film says or does something inappropriate doesn’t necessarily mean that the filmmaker agrees with it. I’ve been in Howard’s corner on this issue, believing that if we start making value judgments approving one joke over another, we’re on a slippery slope to the arid wasteland of political correctness, especially since there have been gay jokes in “The Office” that didn’t arouse any of the indignation directed at “The Dilemma.”
But there’s another side to the story. I’ve been speaking to the people at GLAAD, which works to prevent defamation of gays and lesbians in the media. GLAAD has been outspoken in its opposition to the joke, believing that it plays on exactly the kind of stereotyping that gives license to bullies. GLAAD President Jarrett Barrios took me up on an invitation to make his case for why the joke should be removed from the film, along with why some gay jokes, like the ones in “The Office,” should be viewed through a different lens than the humor in “The Dilemma.”
I think Barrios has a compelling point of view that is worth hearing. Here’s what he has to say:
When is a word more than just a word? I’m sure it seemed innocuous enough to the writers of “The Dilemma” when they had the film’s main protagonist (played by Vince Vaughn) say “electric cars are gay” then qualify that he doesn’t mean “homosexual, gay, but, you know, my parents are chaperoning the dance, gay.” To people who don’t hear their identity used as a synonym for “undesirable” or “worthy of ridicule” on a daily basis, I’m sure it seems as though groups like GLAAD, concerned moviegoers, and public figures like Anderson Cooper are making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s just a joke, right? And Vaughn’s character even said he didn’t mean US.
But he did. After all, why has the word “gay” come to mean "something to be made fun of"? It’s because people who are gay or are perceived to be gay … have been historically ridiculed. Sure, it may seem like just a word, and for most people, that’s what it is. But for people who have spent their entire lives hearing their identities used as an insult, it takes on an entirely different meaning.
GLAAD is not a censor. We’re here to educate. It’s not “censorship” when someone tells you that your behavior is causing harm and you decide to stop doing it. From grade school straight through to the workplace, gay people are constantly bombarded with this kind of speech. These words are usually not meant to hurt, but they establish a climate in which we are seen as inferior. Is it an accident that gay people experience lower self-esteem, higher levels of depression and a lamentably large number of us make the sad choice never to come out of the closet and live their lives openly?
So when is a gay-related joke OK? Ron Howard claimed in his statement last week that “our film is taking additional heat as an emblem for many movies and TV shows that preceded it that have even more provocative characterizations and language.” In this very column last month, “The Dilemma” was compared to some gay-related humor on NBC’s “The Office.” Here’s the difference.
“The Office” used a gay context to find humor in the ignorance of what was being said, rather than making a joke at the expense of all gay people. In the episode, boss Michael Scott and underling Dwight are interrogating openly gay coworker Oscar while trying to track down the source of Michael’s cold sore, which he briefly (and obviously incorrectly) thinks he may have gotten from Oscar. Dwight begins by saying “I’m going to need a list of every man you’ve ever had sex with; I’m talking train stations, men’s rooms…” Michael continues the list, saying “Flower shops, fireworks celebrations…” and so on.
Anyone who has seen this show would understand that the joke is on Michael and Dwight, particularly as their list of locations grows more preposterous. The humor comes from the fact that Michael and Dwight’s notions about gay people quickly reveal their own ignorance, bizarre imaginations and distinct social awkwardness. In no way is the audience meant to identify with Michael and Dwight. The audience is meant to find their behavior absurd. Viewers identify and sympathize with Oscar in this scene, as he finds himself on the receiving end of Dwight and Michael’s idiocy, as he and every other employee in this fictional setting do on a weekly basis.
Ignorance should be a punch line. Identity should not. Humor can be a tricky thing to analyze and can be easily (and lazily) defended against criticism by saying “it’s just a joke.” Vaughn himself, when defending this line in his film, said “Comedy and joking about our differences breaks tension and brings us together.” And while Vaughn is wrong about the joke in his movie accomplishing this end, “The Office” is a perfect example of humor getting it right.
“The Dilemma” is hardly the first movie to use the word “gay” in this way, but it has come along at a watershed moment in our culture. Hearing one’s very identity regularly used as a synonym for “inadequate” or “undesirable” on a daily basis does more than just hurt feelings. Recent events have made it abundantly and tragically clear the effect that anti-gay language and attitudes can have on young people who are gay or are perceived to be gay AND on the bullies who target them.
Would it change hearts and minds if Howard had made the decision to pull this line from the film? Would bullies suddenly realize the harm their behavior was causing and stop tormenting their victims? Would spontaneous hugging break out in the hallways of America’s schools? Of course not. But it would create a tiny space in our culture -– a window in which people could draw their own conclusions about what it means to be gay, without being told it’s something negative.
Both Goldstein and Howard asked if “comedy will be neutered” if Vince Vaughn’s character didn’t use the word “gay” to mean something to be made fun of. The answer is no. Acceptance of ridiculing gay people under the guise of “humor” would be neutered. And honestly, comedy might be better off if writers found more creative ways to make us laugh. Maybe a pie in the face?
This post was originally published at GLAAD Blog. For more information about Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD), please see GLAAD's website, or visit GLAAD Facebook and Twitter
High-Speed Video: Popcorn Popping @ 6,200 FPS | Modernist Cuisine: The Art and Science of Cooking
The key to why popcorn pops is its unusual moisture-proof hull. As the kernel is heated beyond the boiling point, the water inside begins to turn into steam and expand. Since the hull will not let steam out, the pressure inside the kernel begins to rise. The hull can handle a pressure of around 135 psi before bursting open. At this point, the pressure inside the kernel is released very rapidly, expanding the starch and proteins into a dense foam that sets quickly.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.
*Author unknown
The Many Faces of Mona Lisa
Birthday: 1503-1506
Birthplace: Florence, Italy
Current home: The Louvre, Paris, France
Stats: 20 7/8" x 30", oil on poplar wood.
Marital Status: Married to Francesco del Giocondo since 1495
Working On: Being most celebrated painting in the world
I stay home to watch: Singers, musicians, jesters and The Sopranos
Favorite singer: Nat King Cole
Favorite dish: Savino Sorbet
Prized possessions: *Sfumato, *Chiaroscuro, my new room
Personal hero: Leonardo Da Vinci
Nobody knows: Why I’m smiling
If I could do it over: I’d have a contract with royalties
I’d give anything to meet: Madonna
My fantasy is: To model for Versace
The one thing I can’t stand: Paparazzi
If I could change one thing about myself: I’d be larger
My most irrational act: Being stolen in 1911
Most humbling experience: *L.H.O.O.Q.
The words that best describe me: Lisa Gherardini, Mona Lisa, La Gioconda
Below are some of the faces that are never seen, during the times when the museum is closed. Take an exclusive peek, as these were caught on film during the wee hours of the morning at The Louvre:
*Chiaroscuro the distribution of light and shade in a picture
*L.H.O.O.Q. in 1919 Dada painter Marcel Duchamp put a mustache and goatee on a reproduction of the Mona Lisa. The letters read phonetically in French: Elle a chaud au cul (she has a hot arse.)
***Facts from: Mona Lisa Mania
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Is Windows Itself A Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows
does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
Thanks To Everyone For Sending All Those Emails!
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern ... I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with HIV.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support the American troops. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. (OOPS! Too Late!)
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. I no longer have any sneakers -- but tha t will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favour. If you don't send an e-mail about this post to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of mine.
Crisis Management
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do-it-yourself' thing.